Why am I even here?

[Anonymous]

I was lurking which i know I shouldn’t but i found the porn my partner watches and I don’t care he watches it, it’s what he watches. I found 17,18 teen porn, trans women and big and small tits. What makes me feel weird is him watching younger girls and trans. I’m 20. He watches these as soon as he gets home and takes 1-1 1/2 to shower every day, even though I’m here and most nights when I ask to have sex he says he’s too sore. He expects me to do motherly stuff for him because we live at his house but he knows I’m uncomfortable here. I don’t know why I’m crying but i feel like I’m not enough. He also argues with me about spending quality time. I don’t know why I’m so in love with him. Im just really feeling like shit. Please enlighten me on anything.

[NamerOfStars]

It sounds like you're here because your situation sucks and you don't know how to fix it. That sucks. I don't know how to fix it either, but I do know that wallowing won't make any better. Get your crying done, and then let's think about how to change things. Here are some ideas:

So far as sex goes, both you and he have needs. If there's an imbalance in sexual drive and energy, it makes sense that one partner takes to masturbation to see their own needs through- but that's assuming the other is satisfied. If he doesn't have the energy to give it to you, why is he wasting it on porn? Odds are he's not happy with how things are going in the bedroom, either- is he willing to work with you to make it right? It's not unreasonable to ask that he save his sexual energy for you (for the most part, anyway; sometimes you need to masturbate for psychological reasons, but a partnership is a partnership)- that is to say, refrain from masturbating without you. If his soreness is from work, is there a way you could jump his bones in the morning? Send him off with memories of morning sex, and he'll be pleasantly distracted all day. If need be (and if you trust him to), get all him all worked up without release and tell him to wait for tonight, when you'll have some REAL fun, and then send him off to work; he'll be MUCH more interested when he gets home. Now you can't make yourself younger, and the trans stuff- well, I guess you COULD, but let's stick within reason here. Is there anything else in his porn history that seems to be a common factor you exploit? Outfits, demeanors, role-playing scenarios, that sort of thing? Ideally, you'd be talking this out with each other, but just because it's gone wrong somewhere doesn't mean it can't be set right.

You say you're not comfortable where you're currently living. What's wrong? Is it the decor? Is the neighborhood unsafe? Do you just not know anyone in the area? Same idea; pin down what's wrong and think what you could do to make it better. It may be that your current situation is unfixable- but you'll never know if you don't try.

[Asker]

Wow. I really loved your reply. When we have sex for me, I mostly cum and I’m mostly satisfied. After we’re done, he tells me I’m good but he’s my first. I’m not his so it’s really hard to know if I am actually good. I’m not very good with oral and he never let’s me go down on him when I ask and when/if I do he will always pat my leg and say “I’m good”. Since a year and a half he never turned me down but I suddenly didn’t ask to give oral either cause it gets a bit much for my jaws. It’s mainly just ‘hardcore teens, trans women, black petite women. Nothing really stuck out except the trans and 17,18. I’ve talked to him about the porn we watch but he couldn’t really tell me, like I knew he was holding back on telling me. I always try get him to open up because I’m literally an open book but he always comes across as very uncomfortable. I do respect his space though. Well he lives at home with his whole family. Parents, older sister and younger brother. I’ve been here for almost a year and I barely talk to his parents or siblings. It’s just very awkward. When I go up stairs cause his bedroom is downstairs, someone will be in the sitting room and I’ll just go straight to the kitchen and put our dishes from the night before and when I make my way back to his room, the lounge door is shut. I can make small talk but it just gets really awkward. At my house he’s always in my room too unless I tell him to come out and talk with my family, who love him. What do you think?

[NamerOfStars]

Happy to help. I know it can be hard sometimes, but it's important to remember that the world is only as hopeless as you let it be. So would it be accurate to say that your sexual needs are being met, but you want more from him? Perhaps that these videos are getting effort and attention from him that you want for yourself? Sex isn't just selectively target friction, there's a big emotional component, too- is that what you feel is lacking? I'm just a little confused as to the problems you're dealing with. Have you suggested watching porn with him? It sounds kind of strange, and it might not be a good option for your situation, but it might help bring you together, and maybe get him to open up a bit more. Approach it carefully, though; you want to come across more as wanting this to be something you share, rather than being judgmental. Now I misunderstood your initial question, and thought you were living together. It sounds like your situation at home is better; that's good. What do you know about your man's relationships with his family? They may be kinda distant; that would explain his reluctance to engage with yours or have you interact with his. Maybe you could suggest doing something with them; even something as simple as having dinner with him and his family might let you get to know them a little.

[Asker]

I was going through his phone again. I approached it the wrong way, I made out like I was going through his phone and went on safari and he immediately snatched his phone out my hands and said “stop it, you’re trying to be sneaky”. I told him “I already know what you’ve searched” he said, “yeah, stop trying to be sneaky. Stop looking through my phone” and I said “well why are you allowed to look at mine?” He just kept telling me to stop being sneaky. I told him “I know what you’ve watched, why are you embarrassed?” And I think he tried to brush it off cause now he won’t let me go near his phone and he said “at least I don’t go on private browser” and I told him “at least you know what I watch” and it just really kept going back and fourth. His way out of it was to talk about how he wants to do anal and kept touching my butthole through my pants. He told me he doesn’t want to do anal at all. I think sex for us is good. Whenever he says he’s sore I usually take care of myself the next day depending when he gives it to me. I don’t think watching porn would make me comfortable with him because I always analyse girls I see and don’t want them around him. It’s crazy how insecure I’ve become throughout this relationship. We only ever have sex at night with the lights off because I get insecure about how I look and my body too. We are living together, at his house. My situation at home is better and I always talk with my sister and she knows i feel more comfortable at home but I’m so clingy I’m always with him unless he goes work or out in the weekends. We rarely eat upstairs cause he likes to play the game and usually before dinner we’ll watch something then he jumps on the game right after dinner. A few Wednesdays that have past we’ve been having dinner upstairs but then again I barely chat with his parents. His siblings are either always in their rooms or out doing things. I’ve never conversed with his little brother, I’ve only said hi and with his sister I’ve also not

[Asker]

said much. My boyfriend isn’t as family oriented as me. I like being with my siblings but he hasn’t spoken properly with them since I’m with him. I don’t know, my whole situation is very sad. I’m actually unhappy.

[NamerOfStars]

Understandable; I'd be unhappy too. Okay, so that first of ideas isn't what you need, let's think of what might be. What do you think would make you more secure in your relationship and happier with your living situation? What would you like people to do? Put aside how to make it happen for now, just think of what you'd want.

[Asker]

I don’t know what would make me feel secure in my relationship. Lately he hasn’t been affectionate, he’s never coming over to kiss me I always go up to kiss him but sometimes I love to keep kissing him and he says “stop, it’s getting annoying now” and I find that very hurtful but he doesn’t understand. I would want to move back home because I feel extremely comfortable there and I don’t need to tip toe my way around the house. I just know he wouldn’t move houses if I do. I think I’m slowly falling out of love, but I also still have a whole lot. I don’t think I could feel 100% secure, ever in this relationship. I just want more effort when it comes to spending time together. I just want to feel loved the same way I give it.

[knottywriter]

It definitely sounds like you need to find someone to appreciate you more. And certainly more than he appreciates porn. I certainly understand the desire for quality time as that is something I have to deal with in my marriage. She tends to think quality time is being in the same room together. My honest opinion, though just an outside opinion, is there is certainly a level of neglect and potentially some emotional abuse as it is clearly affecting you. Just make sure you know your worth... and your worth is more than what he is giving you.

[Asker]

God. That’s exactly like me. He thinks being right next to each other, playing the game is quality time. It’s not, quality time is talking, laughing, cuddling and just doing things TOGETHER. He will always complain about spending time together and recently Wednesdays have been the days we don’t play and he says he hates them. I do spend a good amount of time on my phone but he expects me not to go on my phone but he can. We aren’t very good at communicating either

[knottywriter]

Sounds way too familiar to me! If you ever just need to vent with someone who truly understands it, you are more than welcome to. send me a message.

[exitseven]

You are really sad and broken. You need to take control of your life. He doesn't know how to have a normal adult relationship. You don't want to marry this guy and have kids with him.
Find someplace else to live, make a plan, dump this guy, get on with your life.
I know it's not as easy as that but things will never change with this guy. Maybe they will get worse.

[user2345354]

There is a tenfold path to ending your suffering.

[Asker]

Meaning..

[user2345354]

Mindfulness, meditation, effort, livelihood, conduct, speech, view, and intention.

[Jamie05rhs]

Break up with him. He doesn't deserve you.

[Asker]

Easier said than done. I’ve thought about it too many times and I’ve tried to but I always end up staying. I just don’t know why I’m still here when I’ve cried almost all the days throughout our 2 years of being together.

[Jamie05rhs]

I'm sorry. :(

[Glasgow55]

Gosh, I hate to say this, but in my opinion he's just using you. Whether or not you're happy to accept that is your decision, but it doesn't sound like a healthy relationship.

[Asker]

Probably cause I bring absolutely nothing to the table, all except sex and love. Still, my heart breaks more and more when we’re arguing and I couldn’t do anything but cry and feel sorry for myself

[Glasgow55]

I really hope things work out well for you. Good luck and stay safe.

[SirJohn42]

Well his porn addiction is in the way of this relationship. He doesn't realize how it truthfully is hurting you inside. Some guys dont understand. But you dont deserve to play fiddle. You have needs and desires too.
Best to find ya a man who xarws for you.

[Asker]

It’s not in the way of our relationship because I watch it too. It’s only what he watches. It’s just weird to me.

[SirJohn42]

well in that case we all have our fetishes.

[Dantezam]

You shouldn't do anything that you're not comfortable with, make him understand it

[harry7825]

Maybe he doesn't likes you