Was I Sexually Assaulted?

[Anonymous]

Hello world! I really want to point some things that still bug back when I was 24 (2019) years old. I have a very attractive boyfriend and things didn't turned out the way it should. Me and (call him Austin) have great communications skills. He gives me advice, hardly criticizes me, and tells me how to respect my parents. We share almost similar tastes, views, and experiences. I had made love with (don't want to get graphic). Yes, he was on top of me and we switched. I got into a point that I wanted to finish to go to the restroom, but he told me that he wanted to continue and that he couldn't get off. I enjoyed the sex but I also have my feelings and will that should be respected too. So we continued much to his pleasure, I just felt like I had to please him even I didn't want it. I cried the night because I felt so dirty. I know sex is not painful. Of course, even if sex is physically harmless, it should be enjoyable. It is the same as feeding someone coffee. Relationships is more than just physical sexual pleasure. Me and him are still dating and now engaged. I had fallen in love with him before getting intimate. Also I don't feel like I'm satisfying his needs and he is now extremely busy. Aren't romantic partners supposed to consent whatever we do even for non-sexual things like going to the mall together. Yet, I'm still bothered about the unwanted sexual acts. I wasn't able to explain this well on another social outline. Just because I didn't had the gut to say "no" to him, doesn't mean that I wanted it. There are sexual assault victims who are actually either doped or drunk and cannot say no. I am autistic and I really don't know how to express myself or sometimes cannot stand out for myself.

[0112358]

No. (Based on what you've said)

"Just because I didn't had the gut to say "no" to him, doesn't mean that I wanted it."

thats absolutely true. But that's also not sexual assault. Sexual assault is violation of your consent. In this case you effectively consented to sex you didn't really want to have because you wanted to please him. (At least this is my understanding from what you've said).

Let's unpack this. It's fine for you to feel unhappy about the sex. It's fine for you to look back and think "in a similar situation again I will speak up because I felt bad afterwards". It's fine for you to talk to your partner about how you want to handle scenarios like this going forward. What I'm simply saying is you don't need to also deal with "is my partner someone who assaulted me? Should I feel assaulted". No. You had sex you didn't enjoy and regret. That's not uncommon and I'm not saying "it's not a big deal". I'm just saying it's not an even bigger deal then that.

I believe you mention "feeding someone coffee". I assume you mean similar to that video about consent and tea. So I will use that analogy. He offered you coffee and you drank some and it was good. Then he wanted you both to have more coffee. You were full but he really wanted to so you agreed. You drank more coffee and felt bad. So
- you learned next time not to drink more when you feel that way
- your partner is not a coffee forcing sociopath so don't worry about that
- don't also feel like you made some horrific error in bit standing up for yourself. You tried compromising in one area. Compromise is a big part of relationships. You learned that you wish not to compromise as much in that area next time. This is a normal learning experience. Expect yourself to learn.

you mention a few other things I didn't touch on but happy to comment if you ask more.

[Asker]

I'm the asker of this question. I know this is extremely complicated. I admit that it was consensual to have sex with him, but I wanted to stop so that I can actually have my own space. Yes, he refused. I'm still confused. Yes I had been inappropriately touched at least twice before once in high school and in college (groped). If it wasn't for covid19, I would have gotten in-person professional help. Thank you for answering my question.

[0112358]

What does "he refused" mean? I've been groped as well it's very unsettling.

[Asker]

I just meant that I kind of wished that I was more prepared for this type of intimacy. He isn't a bad person at all and I know he can get nasty. You seem like a very nice guy. I feel a lot better because this case I brought up here into my question isn't serious. I don't agree with one particular answer here that "I allowed it." That's the typical blame victim whether I wanted it or not.

[SueShe]

If you were coerced into doing something that you did not want, then you were sexually assaulted.

Putting pressure on someone, motivating or forcing (verbally or physically) a person to perform a sexual act or part thereof against their will is indeed a sexual assault.

He may not see it that way as he could argue that you were only mildly protesting. But there is more to protesting. There is the way that the person has been motivated to perform an act and how much psychological pressure was applied.

The typical forceful motivation would be the seemingly innocent phrase "... or else!" that indicates that there is a consequence to expect.

If one or more of those conditions are met, then you have been sexually assaulted.

[Asker]

Thanks Sue. But I would really like for you to give me on your opinion whether I was or not. I myself have experienced unwanted touching and I won't go into further details.

[SueShe]

Well, you said that you cried that night because you felt so dirty. To me, that is a reaction of a person that had to do something against her will just to please someone else. I personally view it as an assault. What worries me about your story is that despite the fact that you had a traumatic experience, you are still together and are engaged. You will not be able to shake this uncomfortable feeling that if something once really gets serious, he would be able to stop and be compassionate about your situation. Also, the fact that he did not listen to you when the event occurred while he was aware that you are autistic would cause me to wonder what else did happen on other occasions that you cannot or don't want to talk about. G@G is definitely not the right place to discuss this issue and I believe that you should consult a qualified therapist because I feel that you carry this episode like a heavy burden. PS: sorry for the late reply, I did not see your answer.

[Iron_Man]

If you didn’t want to have sex you could’ve said no and if you had to you could’ve gotten physical With with a knee to the balks. I’m sure he would’ve gotten the point. But you allowed it to happen so no you weren’t sexually assaulted

[Asker]

This is typical blame victim that "I allowed it." Thanks to some other responses here showed me that I wasn't assaulted.

[Iron_Man]

You are not the victim I just told you that you’re not assaulted

[Asker]

Yes I am aware of that, but no one allows any sexual act whether it was consensual or not.

[Iron_Man]

Didn’t you just have normal sex

[Asker]

I don't want to discuss more of this. Have a great day!

[Iron_Man]

I have no idea what you’re getting at

[Iron_Man]

If you’re so concerned about it why didn’t you call the cops because you know it was a No go And you didn’t wanna get in trouble

[Asker]

You're just a useless idiot wasting your time answering my question. If you don't have anything nice to say to me, get lost you ignorant troll!

[Iron_Man]

You are the fake and a phony troll you made this question six months ago I remember coming in here you have no idea what you’re talking about people like you are a disgrace to the court system for your faults lawsuits

[Asker]

You don't know me as a person so shut the fuck up you sexist man. You are very senseless towards women. You belong to jail for being a troll. I hope you die from a disease or heart attack one day. So stop talking to me!

[Iron_Man]

That’s what I thought you piece of shit you’re nothing but a fake dumb ass phony a liar you should be kicked off the site I remember you exactly This very same thread you’re a disgrace to the human race for your faults accusations

[Anonymous]

I don't think you were assaulted.