How do you talk to your kids about sex? What ages?

[loves2learn]

Mine are still prepubescent but I’m determined for us to have a sex positive house where they can ask us anything and always have access to condoms. My oldest son knows the basics of how babies are made because he asked when I was pregnant with his brother.

I don’t want to share too much detail too soon, but I also don’t want to wait too long. It’s a balance!

Thanks for your helpful advice!

[Meldrum]

It's a gradual process. My wife and I would sometimes walk around the house nude. This was when the girls were very young so that they learned not to be ashamed of their bodies.

When they asked questions, we answered them in an age-appropriate manner.
"Daddy? What's that thing you have that I don't?"
How innocent but such a hot topic for a 5-year-old.
"That's my penis, sweetheart. I'm a man, you're a girl so you have something else."
"What do I have?"
Mom would pipe in, "That's your vagina. It's where we pee from."
That's all that needed to be said to satisfy a curious little girl.
As they got older, they experimented with masturbation.
All kids do at a very early age.
If they did that in the living room, we said it was a private thing and should be done in their room.
BUT! We told them it was a natural thing to do, just don't use anything but their fingers.
That was enough to put down ground rules to keep them from hurting themselves.
When they turned 12 they knew what sex was, one of them walked in on us while I was doing mom in the doggie position.
She asked what was I doing. (Talk about a deflation!)
So we sat her down and explained the birds and bees to her. (both but at different times).
I then got her a condom and explained how to use it and when and if anyone tried to do what we were doing to her, come to us.
Her Mom got her a prescription for the pill. These were just in case.
The older they got the more they wanted to know but by the time their mom died, it was up to me to keep up with their developing bodies and curiosity.
The final talk was about when they were graduating high school and about to enter University.
Kids go wild when they're away from home and the "glaring eyes of the parents".
"Be careful, use your brains and make sure, if you have sex, use a condom and stay on the pill.

The thing you have to remember is, boys and girls are sexual creatures from birth and even in the womb. You have to give them dribs and drabs of information when it becomes age-appropriate. A rule of thumb I used was, what was it that I wish I knew when I was at a certain age?

[loves2learn]

Thank you for the thoughtful answer. My parents were good about not shaming the mastrubating when I was little and redirecting me to my room. But they utterly failed at talking to me about sex or making birth control available to me. I had to find it on my own. I haven’t caught my boys mastrubating yet, but I wouldn’t shame them. And they get lots of erections.

[Meldrum]

They're boys. Erections cum with the territory. When I was a young lad it was all I could do to hide mine.

[Anonymous]

Would having a sex positive house include allowing your sons to bring their dates back to the house and to their rooms to have sex? If so, I think that can be a very positive experience too!

I had an experience when I was much younger, as a teenager, and was in the bedroom of the girl I was dating, and her mom came home unexpectedly. We had forgotten to lock the door, and she walked in on us at the beginning, when I was putting on a condom. She told us to have fun, and glad that we were being safe. That was a very comforting experience, although I realize others may not feel the same way.

[loves2learn]

Yes! Absolutely they can have sex in my house. I would a million times rather know they are safe/being safe at my house. My boyf (now husband) and I lost our virginity with his parents in the next room. Tbh I think they thought we were already having sex. His mom gave him the condoms.

[loves2learn]

I have to mention what a stark contrast this was from my parents who preached abstinence before marriage and we dense enough to think I did have sex with my fiancé until I moved in with him FOUR years after being together.

[Opinion Owner]

See, I think that is a super positive experience. They gave him the condoms to be safe, and have a good experience. That, I think, made you comfortable too, even knowing they were in the next room from you.

[loves2learn]

At the time I felt a little worried about getting caught, but now that I know them I think they wanted to have a sex positive house. :) His younger sister had been having sex for 4 years at that point, so they were probably happy for us.

[Opinion Owner]

Can I ask how old both of you were at the time? And you said his younger sister had been having sex for 4 years already prior to the two of you. I was nervous too about getting caught when I was younger, but it made me so much more relaxed that first time with her knowing her mom approved, was happy I was putting on a condom, and just wanted us to have fun and enjoy each other.

[loves2learn]

I was 18, he was 19. His sister had been with her boyf, now husband, since she was 14 and he was 16. They started having sex when she was 15 and he was 17. Well shit, my math was off. That’s 2 years, since she’s 2 years younger. Oh well. My statement stands. 🤣🤣🤣

[Opinion Owner]

Well, math notwithstanding, yeah, I think they definitely were promoting a sex positive house, and I think it’s really cool that they did. And that you will for your kids.. let’s them be safe, to have fun, and to know that you care.

[loves2learn]

Exactly. I want them to be happy and safe and know they can come to myself or my husband about anything. I also spend a lot of time talking to them about how “stuff” can be replaced but people cannot. If they total a car or we have a house fire, as long as everyone gets out safe that’s all that matters.

[Opinion Owner]

Absolutely right. Just out of curiosity, did it turn you on a little bit more knowing they were in the next room, maybe listening.. or were you too focused on what was going on in your bed?

[loves2learn]

Too focused on what was going on. Lol. It only lasted 30 seconds anyway.

[Opinion Owner]

30 seconds isn’t too bad for the first time.. 😊

[loves2learn]

I agree. He said “I guess that’s what happens to virgins.” And we both laughed The 15 min later we tried me on top.

[Opinion Owner]

Nice. Lose your virginity together, enjoy that moment and laugh, and start trying new things together. Hopefully, his parents gave him plenty of protection 😊

[loves2learn]

Exactly. And they did. :) Feel free to pm me if you want.

[Opinion Owner]

I tried too.. I am following you, but you aren’t following me.. 😕

[loves2learn]

Hang on. I’ll find you. :)

[Coulis]

2 year old girl - knows what nudity is and proper name for her private area. Associates her privates with nudity specifically. Currently in her no clothes phase.

5 year old boy - he knows that boys have penises and girls have vaginas. He also will name adults and descrube them as having either a penis or vagina. He is a cheeky bugger and will yell vagina out into the street. Inhave to explaine that isn't appropriate behaviour. He does some ither thi gs but even as embarrassing as it is, nithing I should worry about.

9 Year old girl knows about privates and about the sperm fertilizing the egg. I think she already knows about sex but is shy to admit it. She is beginning puberty as is struggling with the change from girl to woman since she seems to be an early bloomer.

For the youngest I mostly am blasé about sexual stuff so it isn't seen as a negative topic. For my oldest I just answer any question she has with the same tone as what does "obtuse" mean.

[loves2learn]

Good answer @coulis thank you! I think I need to start having more conversations with my oldest.

[Coulis]

Yes and it dosen't have to be lkke "the talk" and all awkward. It's not the discussions about sex just we are so bombarded with lewdness that we are so traumatized by this.

[Coulis]

@loves2learn 💋MHO💋 Thanks!

[loves2learn]

You are so welcome! 🥰🥰🥰

[rubygomez012]

My mom started talking to me about sex when I turned 11

[loves2learn]

I’m glad she did that. Mine did not. Ever.

[rubygomez012]

Yah lol she even showed me a video of what sex was.

[loves2learn]

I actually approve of that. It’s better to know than not to know. My parents said “don’t have sex till your married.” End of talk. I was 12. Even then I knew I would be doing whatever I want with my own body.

[rubygomez012]

I starter at 11 .

[IronLady6354]

I talked to my two daughters about sex right before middle school. At that time they're either going to learn it from you, the school system, or the kids at school. As a parent I wanted them to learn from me.
My sons are both 1 right now so we're not talking to them about it. My husband will give them the talk though since they're boys.

[loves2learn]

I only have boys. I want both of us to talk to them. I want them to be comfortable with me. And I can provide a female perspective.

[ChrisMaster69]

@loves2learn yes fully agree, we both had a talk to our daughter, together and separately, its intimidating asking two parents at same time. So we did the big chat, then over the month had the separate talks. You can imagine how mine went lol

[loves2learn]

Lol! @chrismaster69 I’ll be pming you about that.

[ChrisMaster69]

I was sort of pushed down this route as my daughter saw my sister kissing her girlfriend.

that obviously leads to questions, and both me and ex are open, so we answered everything.

it is however a never ending stream of questions, they can and will ask about crazy stuff.

I do prefer it being me than the internet.

also dinner evenings with guests can be a mixed affair, with various professions and sexes, and orientation present.

So yeah, interesting birds and bee conversations

[loves2learn]

I love this. And I completely agree. Better me than the internet.

[ohshee]

Well you can always pass it off to the birds and the bees and let them do it

[ohshee]

And that right there is why your kids will always come to you , because you guided the conversation has to happen in his words not in your words that was beautiful

[loves2learn]

Thank you. :)

[Erik-7]

Let the school do it, they have sex education 😂

[bowenw]

Answer any of their questions regarding sex truthfully with as much detail as you feel is appropriate for their ages. If you don't they'll try to find answers online or from their friends. There are some age-specific books available you could get them to read on their own in case they feel embarrassed to ask. Then encourage them to ask questions they may have. There are likely some G rated videos on the subject.

[loves2learn]

We own the book “It’s not the stork.” :)

[bowenw]

Excellent. In my experience I've noticed we teach kids the physiology, but leave them on their own to figure out how exactly to have sex with someone. Having said that, I'm not sure how appropriate it would be for a mother to discuss performing oral sex on a girl with her son, but it's the kind of thing that is important to know in the real world.

[loves2learn]

Man. You make good points. Hmmm. But, then again all women are different. I’m hyper sensitive so what feels good to me would do nothing for the average lady. 🤷🏻‍♀️ And what’s good for the average lady hurts me. Hubs and I had to learn that together the hard way.

[bowenw]

Oral sex was just an example of the kind of thing that most people have no idea how to do when they are faced with doing it in the real world unless they've watched some porn or read a book like Joy of Sex, and of course porn is more fantasy than educational,

[loves2learn]

Well on porn the first thing they do is attack the clit. Which is very bad advice for me.

[bowenw]

So maybe it is important to teach kids when they are old enough is that communication is a critical part of having sex.

[loves2learn]

That’s a good way to look at it. Thank you. :)

[bowenw]

👍🤗

[Alexandrubaschet08]

If you have a boy is the father job to do that.
If you have a girl is your job.
Personal, my father whas asking me many time about the girls, if i like them, if i see them in a secial way.
"do you like your new girlfriend Alex?" starting whit age 6-7. He know i didn't see them in a sexual way because i whasn't able to make the giference from girlfriend and girl friend.
When i get like 12-13 i start to answer like "she is not my girlfriend" from that moment he know i'm starting to change and some comverstations start like:
Do you want to have a girlfriend? "yes"
Why? "because they are pretty and make me feel happy"
Who you like? "that one/nobady in this moment"
What will you do whit her? "hang around"
Will you marry her? "maby, i don't know"
And from such a start the conversation start, about how a girlfriend become in time a wife and afther that we are a family and that will probably bring kids in it, because i will want or she will want and BOOM conversation about sex, condoms, STD, pregnaky, period, erection, cum, hygiene and the warning that I will destroy my future if I do not listen to what he told me.

[loves2learn]

Wow. I like your dad. I’m still going to talk to my boys. I want them to know they can come to me for anything.

[Alexandrubaschet08]

it still whas the moust horible conversation that i ever have it whit mt dad. i know all thous things from porn and religion surprising.

[loves2learn]

Sorry it was horrible. I had a great conversation with my oldest son this morning. :)

[Alexandrubaschet08]

:)) can i ask what did you guys talk?

[loves2learn]

Basics. Do you remember when we talked about where babies come from? He said yes. Do you remember when I told you how a baby gets in a mommy’s tummy? Yes. He remembered. He says they don’t talk about it at school. He knows he can come to us. He doesn’t have any questions right now. He wants animal crackers for snack at school today. Very natural conversation.

[Alexandrubaschet08]

i never asked my dad for thous information and he say the same to me. But i never wanted to ask him or my mom.

[loves2learn]

That’s why I want to keep the communication lines open. I want him to know it’s ok to ask me. And if he’s not comfortable asking us, I’ll find another trusted adult he can talk to.

[MickJemill]

I don't know about you, but I prefered my mother/aunt talking to me about sex, masturbation, protection etc. I just found it weird, and still do, to talk with the same gender about sex. My mother taught me the basics. She saw that I was feeling uncomfortable so she let her sister (my aunt) do all the work. I feel way more comfortable talking to my aunt, than my parents. I don't know why though.

[Alexandrubaschet08]

@MickJemill i feel you, but parents mother and father are the moust thrustfull

[MickJemill]

True, but my aunt is as well.

[Alexandrubaschet08]

@MickJemill your decision.

[MickJemill]

Yeah I know. I felt way more comfortable talking to my aunt. I think it's because I don't see her every day, unlike my mom. I would mind talking to my mom either, but I prefer my aunt.

[Alexandrubaschet08]

@MickJemill as a boy you need your father :P

[MickJemill]

Like I said, I don't like talking to my father lol. I have no problem with him, but I prefer those kinds of talks to be with an opposite gender.

[Alexandrubaschet08]

@MickJemill i prefer whit the same gender, i can't talk whit my girl member of family about boys parts. Even as a father if i have a girl i will call the mother to talk whit her.

[MickJemill]

People are different huh? Haha

[Andres77]

Them walking in on you and having to explain that daddy is NOT being mean to mommy... it's not preferred but it's an interesting segway...🙄

[loves2learn]

I love our master bedroom lock!

[TaureanBull81]

Start when they hit puberty as it'll be the right time to introduce this topic.

[TaureanBull81]

Thanks for the upvote @loves2learn

[loves2learn]

👍🏻👍🏻

[TaureanBull81]

Thanks for the upvote @BlacklightShade

[JulianRoy]

When puberty hits I guess. If the school teaches the basics then you don't need to do anything.

[loves2learn]

There’s no way the school could replace the support of a parent.

[JulianRoy]

My school taught me about condoms and the dangers of STDs. Perhaps ask the school if they teach such things?

[moviedude714]

My dad talked to me about this far more than my mom did, he started giving me the talk about this in Middle School

[loves2learn]

I want both of us to talk to them. :) And we both have.

[Cam45795]

Seems like it has to be early these days..

[Kelly6]

Always answer there sex question with truth

[nawtee_me]

My ex-wife and I decided that if they were old enough to ask they were old enough to know. We wanted to be the ones to tell them instead of them finding out the wrong way or from people who didn't care if they had questions. We always told our kids they could talk to us about anything and they did. My stepdaughter caught us having sex when she was about ten. She asked and we told her but we did not go into detail. That came later when she was older. Our sons as well were told when they asked about it, they never caught us though... lol

[Valnac]

Talk to the kids doctor.

[Satish2607]

This is the exact I have too, with a nasty world out there, need to teach my daughter how to stay safe from predators.

[bananathunder]

ignore it as long as i can lol... I'm sure the internet will teach them everything they need to know :P

[anylolone]

Just tell the naked truth and feel the field.

[Maspolomas]

We had our third son when his brothers were in their teens so they had to watch him from time to time and change diapers so that was the best sex talk ever they seen first hand on what it’s like having a kid. I’m guessing when they are 14-16 should be good

[MrTaboo]

Family sex, kinky

[CubaPirate]

Tbh they've probably already had "the talk" at school. So just go over the basics and the safe sex stuff. There's really no need for unwanted pregnancies these days.