Do you believe it’s ok to have a sexual partner outside a marriage if your sexual needs can’t be met with your spouse?

[wellImTherealdeal]

In this situation, there are massive combined interests including children. Divorce over 1 aspect would be ridiculously irresponsible and harmful. The relationship is healthy and stable in other aspects. Yet a persons sexual needs are a huge aspect of mental, physical, and emotional well being, causing a painful distress in the affected partner that cannot be repressed. The sexual dysfunction did not occur in the beginning of the relationship but is a concrete aspect now. What are your thoughts and opinions? There has to be some room for personal fulfilment in a lifetime committed relationship right?

[Screenwriter]

I don't see how divorce is irresponsible if the people have a good relationship otherwise. Make it an amicable divorce and look for a spouse that you can have a stable relationship with AND a good sexual relationship. Is there no counseling or help to solve the sexual dilemma? Or is it some kind of medical problem that can't be solved?
If the problem can't be solved, divorce is reasonable. The couple have to decided how to raise the children between them amicably and that seems doable from the statement.
What is HARMFUL is to stay married and be unfulfilled sexually. Going outside the marriage to a prostitute or a girlfriend is harmful to the girlfriend. And, who wants to use a prostitute? I can't see that the partner would be joyful about the other using a prostitute or friends with benefits.
You mention SEXUAL DYSFUNCTION. As in DSM V ... This sounds like something psychological at base.
Before divorce, sounds like counseling and therapy are the roads to a solution. Invest in that for both parties. With a counselor who is a SEX therapist. Also have psychologists too. I'd spend at least a year trying to work t his out before doing anything else. Re evaluate after working this out together.
Though no one gets EVERYTHING inside their marriage. Not getting sexual satisfaction inside the marriage is a SERIOUS issue. I think, ultimately, it's a dealbreaker. No matter what the cause is. If it can't be resolved, divorce has to be done to give the shorted partner a chance.
Though things change throughout a marriage, if these are still young people, they need to let go of each other so at least one party is happy. Maybe BOTH can end up with more appropriate partners. This is benefit the childrenn too. Happy parents lead to happy children. children weather divorce fine when their parents are happy in the aftermath.

[loves2learn]

If both members of the relationship are ok with it.


But I think a better place to start would be to figure out why she’s not interested. We had a couple rough years of very little sex due to him not validating my emotions.


I finally feel seen and heard and now we have sex every day.


Pm me if you want help translating what’s going on in her head.

[boggboss]

Listen to her she knows her stuff ☝🏽

[wellImTherealdeal]

I respect her desires and emotions to not feel intimate as much as I do. It has been discussed at length. I do not get any pleasure from sex from a “unmotivated” partner. She desires it occasionally and I am naturally driven relentlessly to daily encounters! I cannot change what I need.

[loves2learn]

I’m telling you. That was literally me. Unmotivated partner. Look back at my posts. I’m very motivated now.

[beldath]

If it's agreed upon then it's fine. There is almost always one person in a long term relationship that's not getting their sexual needs filled. That's probably the biggest cause of divorces in longer relationships.

I've had the same problem in all but one relationship. I'm going to assume you're the one needing more.

If you haven't talked about it, I suggest bringing up your need for more physicalality. A side chick probably won't fly, but you never know. You could always do those Asian hand job places I suppose. But again, you'd have to talk about it.

[OlderAndWiser]

"Divorce over 1 aspect would be ridiculously irresponsible and harmful." Perhaps. Or may be that is just your excuse.

Although your "sexual needs are a huge aspect of mental, physical, and emotional well being" and the deprivation is "causing a painful distress" you claim that "the relationship is healthy and stable."

So. . . why don't you ask your wife for permission to fuck another woman? If you want to do this behind her back, you need to question whether "the relationship is healthy and stable."

[amadimal]

It is okay, but this is something you should discuss with your spouse. Also, have you tried counseling to see how this problem arose?

[wellImTherealdeal]

Yes, thanks. We have discussed it at length

[ShaTTeredMasterpeace]

Nope. I think the issue should be addressed with said spouse. Talk to them about your needs and help them to understand that you're needs aren't being met. If nothing changes then maybe you should think about divorce. I don't condone cheating no matter what is going on.

[wellImTherealdeal]

Divorce is never an option for me. And her submitting to “unwanted” sex is damn unfulfilling to both of us

[loves2learn]

Been there, done that.

[wellImTherealdeal]

Thanks Loves2learn. Pm me if you can please

[boggboss]

If its agreed on between both parties sure

[wellImTherealdeal]

Therein lies the problem. It would emotionally damage the partner to know.

[loves2learn]

Don’t do something that emotionally damaged your partner. Focus on the root of the problem so the two of you can get back on track.

[boggboss]

Then no its not somthing I could agree to its a lie and even if its a lie that is for the best reverse the roles I know I wouldn't be happy with that outcome and thats just from the thought off it let alone it happening that the stuff that would fully end a marriage

[wellImTherealdeal]

Reversing the roles, I respect her desires to not be intimate. Things have changed for her but I am incredibly sexually frustrated. I have zero desire to hurt her in any way.

[loves2learn]

But whyyyy does she not want to be intimate. This is what you need to get to the bottom of. This does not have to be forever and you will both be much happier if you sort it out.

[boggboss]

Your saying that yet your actions off having sex elsewhere if they came to light would do more then just emotinaly hurt her would tear your family unit apart and ofx u can claim she would never find out yet we both know there is no garuntie ot and yes reversing roles even if u have a good reason you are still doing somthing thats wrong u are cheating so yes if its not somthing ahe would agree with then no I wouldn't put this down to a viable choice off actions

[wellImTherealdeal]

We have discussed it at length. We are completely open about subjects in our relationship. But she has had many children for me and has no energy left for me when I am at home. I love and appreciate that, but damnit I am a Man! 😔

[loves2learn]

Is she worried about pregnancy? Just tired? My youngest son didn’t sleep well for 4.5 years. I get it! THIS IS FIXABLE.

[wellImTherealdeal]

I have never cheated or been dishonest in a relationship in my life. I have not done this but it is increasingly on my mind as a solution.

[wellImTherealdeal]

Pregnancy is no longer a concern

[boggboss]

If thats for ubthe solution here your marriage is doomed to fail but fair enough if thats what u want

[wellImTherealdeal]

She simply isn’t interested in it at this time... that’s the whole deal.

[loves2learn]

Ok. Cool. So she’s tired? She’s touched out because kids have no personal bubbles?

[wellImTherealdeal]

Basically yes

[wellImTherealdeal]

L2l I cannot pm you. It won’t let me

[Avicenna]

Only with the spouse’s consent

[josephinelcajon]

You mean is it ok to cheat on your wife? Maybe you need to look up your vows

[Coulis]

If you absolutely cannot solve your intimacy issues then get a divorce and don't be a crappy human.

[Eldoradο]

We call that cheating, and it's not okay in my opinion. Just curious: Would you mind when your wife is getting the d- from someone else?

[wellImTherealdeal]

Actually, no if she could have a safe non-emotional sexual experience. It would not bother me.

[Eldoradο]

Well, then tell her exactly the same thing.

[loves2learn]

That is not the solution. They need a better work life balance.

[exitseven]

I would say no. See if your spouse can satisfy you another way.

[worldscolide]

Absolutely not.. Be loyal or divorce.

[Nalix]

No, there's plenty you can do for sexual release without involving other people.

[Iron_Man]

Oh hell no that’s committing adultery

[wellImTherealdeal]

I do agree with you... but it’s a pick your poison kind of situation. I’m completely committed, but I am still a man

[Iron_Man]

You’re better off going to sex therapy the both of you and fixing the problem then doing that, that’s grounds for divorce

[Caunsos]

That depends on your spouse.

[LazyProphet]

It's not necessarily right, but its not necessarily wrong either, it is subjective based on one's own personal morals. Not sure why you are so against divorce, but whatever. If I were in your shoes yeah I'd probably get some strange booty somewhere, but you gotta either talk to your wife about it or make sure she doesn't find out, for the sake of her own feelings.

[oncpl]

I understand. I have been having sex with a lady who was not getting sexual fulfillment from her husband. She expressed it openly that there was no other way but to have sex outside.
I believe it is not a single example. Many men and women do so without disturbing their marital status. I believe when partner fails to satisfy, one has to go out.

[Dchrls78104]

"A deputy is essential." That's how they say it in my country. I, however, call it absolute poppycock that hurts people and is particularly dangerous in the modern era.

[MountAverage]

You mean an open marriage?

[Gedaria]

No. If it's causing such a distress in your life , divorce your spouse first.

[SirJohn42]

nope. I dont. I think you need to encourage spouse to spicen things up.
Because sex doesn make the marriage its the two of you. Through the good and bad times for better and the worse.

Anyone can cheat.

[Twalli]

It is a discussion you should have, but not something you should expect to get

[jerdanro]

As long as you are honest and your partner agrees.