How do you get over your partners sexual history?

Basically the situation that I 26M have been dating a 24F.

We started out on a few dates, and during COVID ended up having something more casual where we both dated others during this period of time, now am currently officially together. She's fun we have have great chemistry and I like her.

Issue is she have revealed that she has slept with 15 guys including me. Most were either casual things from dating app, or drunk hookups when travelling overseas. This is a lot for me to be able to deal with and makes me internally upset. She also casually mentions things in the past - Eg about making out with a bunch of guys, or and ex hook up she liked choking her etc. Also annoys me that she slept with other guys (2 i know of) while we were seeing either, despite me sleeping with 5.

The part that is quite hypocritical, is that I have slept with 37 girls. A few relationships but majority were ONS. I've done much more than her. I completely acknowledge that, I am being hypocritical here. But what I am hoping with us guidance of being able to get over this massive barrier to our relationship moving forward. What is interesting is that she didn't care about my hook ups but relationships affected her, for me I don't care about her relationships its the hook ups.
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Superb Opinion

  • I'm surprised you have been with 37 women and still hold such ideas about sex that you are disturbed your partner has also enjoyed sex with others.

    For me, having had sex with more than twice the women you have, I feel like a bit of an "expert" when it comes to sexual relations, and most people I talk to that have these conservative or frankly what I consider limited perspectives and isolated views about sex normally have had sex with less than 10 people and almost always less than 5. I just see them as beginners, who are having these views because they don't have experience and don't really understand sex. They're living sheltered lives with conservative views that are usually very negative about sex.

    Though I guess you can have a lot of sex and still have negative views about it. This is what I think you are doing. Somehow you are stuck with ideas about women having sex like it makes them "less", and yet in a contradiction, men having sex makes them "more". It's these patriarchal and sex negative perspectives that are messing with your head, imho. I can't change your mind about what sex is or means to you, but I offer you the insight that you can continue with your perspective and continue to be upset, or you can broaden your view and lose the mental anguish about it.

    Sex is pleasurable for both genders, a major part of who we are as individuals and as a species. It has a long history of being hidden, forbidden, frowned upon and treated negatively. But it's possible to be counter-culture and let go of that negativity, which I encourage you to do.

    Sounds like if you do that, you have a great partner who has some experience and is able to communicate well. This could be a good foundation for a relationship if you can adjust your perspective.

    • @zeitgeist057 do you see people as beginners based on number of partners or frequency of sex and trying new things with a partner over several years? I would not consider myself a beginner...

    • @loves2learn well, not entirely. You could have one or even no partners and still be very sexually aware and adept. I do find there to be a general correlation between experience (s) and proficiency or knowledge. Just as a general rule and not just limited to sex. I'm not here to judge you or anyone, but in response I would say many people might consider themselves "experts" in something or other (sex, cooking, travel, etc) but might not actually be as proficient as they imagine. One example actually to use cooking is a woman at my work who made dinner for everyone one night. It wasn't terrible, but it was far from good. I said something nice about it anyway, and she responded with something along the lines of "If there's one thing I'm good at, it's cooking.". You might question if perhaps other people liked it, but I saw a few faces so I don't think it was just me. I also worked as a professional chef in restaurants for several years and have some experience with various levels of cuisine both as a creator and consumer. Not to say you aren't as proficient at sex as you think, but if you have only one or two partners and your own smaller "fan base" to go off of, there is a possibility there are some aspects of sex that are unknown or not part of your practice (also possibly due to preference, even if you have an awareness of them) On the flip side, someone who has had many partners might also be "beginner" status, as there is something to be said for quality as well as quantity. There are many ways of experiencing intimacy with another person, and I believe even though I have a lot of experience, I still have a lot to learn and can develop and grow with focus and practice.

    • @zeitgeist057 I’m by no means a sexpert lol. But after 20 years, def not a beginner.

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Most Helpful Guy

  • Tbh, I don't know if I could. But, then again, I'm a virign... But if I really wanted to, I'd contemplate my importance in the world/universe. And I'd remind myself of my views. It would sound a little like this:

    "If you weren't in existence and everything else was, then there's nothing you'd be able to do about it. So why worry? Why should you be so special that nobody else can have fun! I mean, I get it... When women have sex with guys, they tend to either be or get emotionally attached to them. But we're all humans! We're animals! And people have sex because of their desires that they don't have an option to have. And are arguably not in control of resisting. And you damn well know that if someone you were attracted to came along; wanted to do a little somethin with single & available you, you'd snatch them right up and have some fun! Well... Safe fun. ;) My point is that the world doesn't revolve around you, Sonorous! So stop fucking acting like it! If you want them, then overlook it. And if you don't, then don't be with them! Life isn't meant to be fair or make us feel special! Again, we're animals! And remember we're not monogamous by nature. So stop acting like we are if you have other views that conflict it."

    😂 If it isn't totally clear, I struggle with this as well. Grew up a Christian so I was really brainwashed by all of the monogamy and marriage stuff. Now I'm conflicted.

Most Helpful Girls

  • Numbers are just numbers as long as you are both healthy. Her hook up's really shouldn't trouble you and you'r sleep record shouldn't trouble her.
    If you guys are now in a stable relationship why would you be worried about her doing those activities again while you are together. As for your side you are the relationship guy she shouldn't have issues with that other than maybe some jealousy. What if you run into a former ex-girlfriend 😉. Unless she's afraid of commitment and that is why she hasn't had a lengthy relationship then this is something you might need to discuss with her soon. As for the choking you mentioned has she asked you to do this to her? Is this something you are uncomfortable doing? These are things that have to be decided between you that can be a difficult for some young couples.
    The thing is you are both young things can be forgiven between you two if you weren't supposed to experience life and then find each other and then be honest with each other. If she can't tell you things and you can't handle the things she tells you because they bother you and eat you up inside because it was in the past how can you ever have a future? Everyone is going to have some kind of past, but if you can't handle being told the hard things then how can you ever be relied on by someone who really needs your trust, your strength, and your, love someday?]

  • I'm not sure you *actually* recognize your own hypocrisy in this. Saying and knowing, are two different things. From your description, it sounds like your goal is to demonize her for the same exact things you have done even more than she has...and by the way....neither of you have actually done anything "wrong" as you acknowledge you were fine with doing what each of you did because you agreed it was casual until you got into your relationship....so what exactly is the problem....are you looking for some holy virginal girl? Do you think women can't have as much or equal to sex as men (newsflash...who are the men doing it with if not other women!!!! unless they're gay). The problem is you, and basically get over it if you intend to keep her in your life or move on and seek out whatever it is you are seeking and don't keep dragging her along if you're just going to unfairly keep judging her.

    • Hypocrisy? No. It's called biology. Men are hardwired to be repulsed by women who have a high body count. There is a reason why virgins are seen as high value in the sexual market (from the men's perspective), while a man who is a virgin is being frowned upon by both men and women. In the eyes of women studs are better than virgins. While in the eyes of men, virgins are more wanted than women who sleep around. This has everything to do with the biological difference between the two sexes. So it's only natural for him to be bothered by it. As do most men.
      Fact is: women look at the future of a man, while men look at a woman's past.

      Enjoy some facts:
      s3.amazonaws.com/.../Bookofcharts.pdf

    • @TruthBringer No, it's called hypocrisy which the OP mentioned with his own words so it's not an "all man" thing because all men do not think alike (give yourselves some credit). To add to that the very definition of hypocrisy is "the practice of engaging in the same behavior or activity for which one criticizes another or the practice of claiming to have moral standards or beliefs to which one's own behavior does not conform." Check mate.

    • Just because you like to believe it is "hypocrisy"doesn't necessarily make it hypocrisy. He is the only one who seems to have a problem with her past, while I have not read anywhere that she complained about his sexual history. Just because you say it's "hypocrisy" does not invalidate anything I've mentioned which point out to it not being the case. The only reason why he thinks this is "hypocrisy" is because he is dealing with cognitive dissonance between his biology and his morality. Also, he did not criticize her for her past, he is sharing that he is bothered by it. One is a hypocrite to say to someone not to do something and then partake in that same activity. And no where did he tell her not to do something. You've pretty much misplaced the definition here. Good job playing yourself. Check mate

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What Girls & Guys Said

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  • Why does it matter? How about you stop being selfish. Stop believing what society tells you and start thinking for yourself. I’d rather be with a woman that loves sex and knows what she’s doing and how to achieve it than a woman that knows nothing and is completely ignorant about her own body. I’ve been with women that were frightened when an orgasm approached or have were ashamed that I knew more about their body than they did.
    Having a relationship with a virgin can sometimes result in them realizing they’re gay. I’d rather invest in a relationship where I know my partner is interested in sex than one where they are lying to me about it.

    • This is why it matters: s3.amazonaws.com/.../Bookofcharts.pdf

      Actually, society tells him not to be bothered by it, something you're doing exactly just that. So you've contradicted yourself. On the other hand, the link above isn't "society" trying to be politically correct, but an actual study that shows WHY it matters and why it matters to men. You said it yourself, you'd rather invest in a relationship where your guy has a sexual history, this is the opposite for MEN. Men dislike it when a woman has a rich sexual history. A clear difference between the two sexes. And those men who claim to like it are often just lying to themselves and are makeing a virtue (out) of necessity. Some even got cuckold tendencies

    • @TruthBringer Giving "modern" women facts is like hitting a tank with a tennis ball... No effect.

    • @KrakenAttackin Tell me about it. 'Modern' western women are the most allergic to the truth and to accountability

  • I think you need to ask yourself what this knowledge has really changed about anything.
    Are you still attracted to her? Do you like her personality? Do you have fun with her? Is she still the exact same girl before she told you?

    Is everything is still the same as before, you just need to let it go. She can't change your past and you can't change hers. What's being pissed off or bothered by it going to achieve? Nothing.

  • Men, can you smell the 💩 that females have to deal with?

    You keep getting each others left overs, so please talk some sense into your brothers lol.

    • Nobody forced you to deal with a stud. That's your own decision. You can always date a guy who is either a virgin or has a very limited sexual history. You got yourself to blame for this. But we all know women frown upon men who are either virgin or have a low body count. Often these men get labeled as "incel" or are simply seen as undesirable

    • @Xoxocutekitty 30% of men in the west are virgins by the age of 26, women just have eyes for men with high body counts, and keep on increasing them

    • The old adage applies. A key that opens any lock is a "master key". A lock that will be opened by any key is just a shitty lock. Women hold the gateway to sex. Men hold the gateway to marriage. Think about it.

  • I suggest you see a therapist to work through this. I don't see any other way. Ask your doctor who they'd recommend to work out personal issues.

  • It’s called putting on your big boy pants and getting past your own insecurities. The whole premise of your post seems misogynistic. She’s been less free with her body than you have, by a long stretch... yet you have a problem with her sexual past. You don’t really have a leg to stand on here. Bottom line is that the people you meet in life have a sexual past. You just have to be mature about it and realize they’ve made a whole host of decisions, both good and bad, before they ever met you. It’s unfair to hold those past choices against her. It really is as simple as making a conscious decision to let it go. Apparently she was able to accept your past. Does she not deserve the same respect?

    • @chrismaster69. I give you some slack as you are a male from the UK and simply don't know any better. You have been indoctrinated brutally and are more like a rape victim than a man.

  • "She's fun we have have great chemistry and I like her."

    Just remember that her past is who she is. If her past was different she wouldn't be the same person. Do you like her? Or do you like someone else?

    She is who she is. Either you like her or you don't. You have to decide. If you decide you want to be with her then you have to be with HER. So decide.

  • the fact that you slept with double the amount should ease the pain for you. But if you can't handle someones sexual history, just dont date em (or stop dating them). Plus you already slept with her so i assume you enjoyed sharing that same space that other guys already had. No backsies now 🤷‍♀️

    • OMG! @dizzydesii “no backsies” so true. LOL

    • @loves2learn lol i’d be more understanding had he not already plowed the field with the rest of the farmers 🤣

    • @dizzydesii I couldn’t agree more!

  • You both have to accept you've had a past and be grateful that it has led to you two being together.

    Talk about why it bothers you. Are you bothered because you're worried you cannot satisfy her? Is she worried because she's afraid you're emotionally unavailable?
    Talk about it and reassure eachother.

    • Very well said. 👍👍

    • @little_bumblebee here it comes the relationship expert.. Ahh if only you know a thing about mature relationships 😀

    • @Light_beam ok I've gotta know, what's your beef with this person/their opinion?

  • Why do you think you have such a problem with her history?

    • Men of value don't invest in women who are an easy lay. This is a biological thing. Especially if he can get with women easily. Best thing for him to do is find himself a girl who hasn't been sleeping around.

    • Women of value don’t want a man who’s slept that either.

    • That is also true. A woman of value doesn't get with manwhores either

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  • You all need to stop talking about the past. C’mon! Focus on each other. The end.

    • Exactly, it is her history

  • What is it about the number that bothers you? You think she's comparing you to her previous partners? You're embarrassed to see anyone who was a previous partner for her? You think you can't measure up to some of the wild stuff in her past? What is it that's really bothering you?

    • Good sir, you do realize the difference between the two sexes when it comes to viewing this topic? Women don't put as much thought into a man's past, while a woman's past means a lot to a man. This has a biological explanation. This is his biology that is ringing him a bell and for good reasons too.

      You can shove the blame to him all you want, but he is a man and cannot override his biological instincts. Men dislike women who are an easy lay (if they happen to want to build something long term). No man of value wants to invest in a woman who had no respect for herself and allowed herself to be a cheap pleasure hole for other men.

      Here is a study that shows the correlations between many bad things in life with sexual experience: s3.amazonaws.com/.../Bookofcharts.pdf

    • Yes, I already understand most of the differences between men and women. All I did was ask this man a few questions. Why is that problematic?

    • Not problematic, I simply assumed based on these questions, that there is a bias behind them. Just like so many other comments here talking down about this guy, calling him a hypocrite, while his reasons are actually more solid than most here realize

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  • Fucking hell what a wuss

    just man up and accept it.

    who cares how many a partner has had, 20 single blokes for 1 shag.

    or 2 guys constant for 4 fucks a night

    it does not matter live now not in the other persons past.

    for fucks sake.

  • You get past the "barriers" by choosing to. You recognize that most people have a history to different degrees & that it has shaped them into who they are now.

    Of course if someone's history is one you just can't accept or deal with then you need to let that person go & look for someone whose past is easier for you to accept.

    Good luck & stay well.

  • Don't let the past dictate your future.

  • Dig deep and ask yourself the why first. Is it fear that they are better in bed?

    • It's called biology. Men are hardwired to be repulsed by women who have a high body count. There is a reason why virgins are seen as high value in the sexual market (from the men's perspective), while a man who is a virgin is being frowned upon by both men and women. In the eyes of women studs are better than virgins. While in the eyes of men, virgins are more wanted than women who sleep around. This has everything to do with the biological difference between the two sexes. So it's only natural for him to be bothered by it. As do most men. Fact is: women look at the future of a man, while men look at a woman's past.

    • Double standard bullshit. I do not look for a man who’s had many partners. Though it wouldn’t bother me either.

    • @loves2learn I agree. All that really matters is that the person is clean. I also wouldn’t consider a virgin valuable, male or female. I’m not investing time and effort on someone like that , they probably have terrible down stairs grooming habits and are emotionally immature. Not to mention inexperienced men have the whole premature ejaculation thing. And I wouldn’t be surprised if a woman virgin didn’t know what to do despite us having the same parts.

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  • It was before you. No need to worry about it.

    • It is relevant though because she will judge you by everyone of those past guys. That's the real reason guys want women wirh low partner rates. They don't hate men yet.

    • "No need to worry about" WRONG. Studies have shown that the higher the bodycount of a woman is, the more likely she will not be able to bond with a man, more likely to divorce, less overall happiness etc. THe past is the best predictor of the future. The past is what defines us.

    • Most don't compare. I don't. Even if they do compare so what? She is with him now and enjoy each other now. Women have to be virgins because guys are too into their feelings & thoughts? His count is high should she be losing her mind too? I have never heard of that study and if that is true then I question who did it and the resources. That doesn't make any sense.

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  • Easy, by not being an insecure little twat. And yes, you are a hypocrite.

    • @RandomLoser Only thing right about you is your user name.

    • And twats like certain blue accounts in this convo stream should get hit by a speeding bus. But we can’t all get what we want. Thankfully there’s a lot of buses.

    • Did you call someone a loser after removing his comment?

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  • Well... I would never date a guy like you, gross. Personally, I have no sexual history and would prefer a guy with the same. And yes, I would feel jealous and angry if I was with a guy who had a girlfriend or hookups or whatever. I prefer to be with one man only and him the same.

    • Same lol

  • How can anything that happened BEFORE you were together be such a concern that it is effecting your relationship? Keeping track of sexual encounters sounds like someone is more concerned with boosting their ego than what this girl is actually saying to you. She likes you enough that she was HONEST with her sexual past. And in my opinion, your 37 or whatever versus her 15 makes it even worse that YOU’RE having the issue. Even if it were all 15 at the SAME TIME, she’s still got work to do just to get into your man whore numbers neighborhood. If you like each other, leave it at that. You’re making the relationship all about YOU. That’s the first step of the beginning of the end. Sorry stud 🤷🏻‍♀️

    • 15+ makes her a skanky-ho.

    • Past is the best predictor of the future. Here are some stats to why a woman's sexual history is important to keep in mind. Now will you excuse me, I can't hear you ranting over facts:
      www.heritage.org/.../harmful-effects-early-sexual-activity-and-multiple-sexual-partners-among-women

    • @TruthBringer Truth Bringer FOR THE WIN!

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  • Umm... get over yourself. You demand of your partner something you cannot uphold yourself? Based on what? Does it have to do with the fact she is female and you’re male and as a male you need to be sexually dominant? Are you feeling insecure because she has had experiences that might make you seem inferior?

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