Virgin, got blacked, ended up having sex?

[Anonymous]

i’ve been hanging with this friend of a friend. we stopped talking fir a month. but he came to visit my friend. on Friday night he ended up coming to my place. I ducked his dick. he ate me out. he slept over. next day, I was drinking with separate friends than him. I ended up blacked out. he came to the apart I was at. I blacked out. don’t remember having a convo with him but apparently he was very jealous of me talking to other guys. then he apparently walked out with his backpack. and I followed and went to my place. we ended up naked in my bed. I remember having a convo with him but jen what about. then somehow he ended up sticking it in. all I remember is me telling him not to tell anyone, and saying I was too dry to keep going. I know he didn’t finish in me. but he left my place right after to drive home at 6:30 am. I feel really uneasy about it cus he wasn’t as drunk as me (at least to my memory) I know I told him Friday I didn’t wanna lose my virginity. just full regret and I wish it didn’t happen. I don’t know what to do. feels like sexual assault cus I couldn’t fully consent being that intoxicated. what do you think I should do? was it assault? I don't know

[Anonymous]

I don't know.

not sure how experienced you are with drinking that heavily but blackouts (periods where you don't form memories) are not THAT closely tied to how drunk you seem to others. You can apparently consent to sex, you can actually initiate sex, you can assault someone else while blacked out. You can also be assaulted, vocally not consent to sex and forget that too.

we know you
- consented at various points to mutual sexual activity
- had penetrative sex that didn't feel good
- remember telling him not to tell anyone - which sort of sounds like at the time you were at least okay with having sex given you were communicating and sort of suggesting it was going to continue.
- as noted you said it wasn't feeling good
- not sure how you know but sounds like he stopped... did he just pull out or did he stop because it wasn't working?

anyway it doesn't -sound- like assault. It sounds like a mess where at various points different people were unhappy. It does not sound like the way you'd like your first time to have gone. I'm sorry about that.

[Anonymous]

I don't know?
I guess you were naked in bed together, you told him not to tell anyone and that you were too dry. You remember everything, but feel regret.
I don't know that qualifies as sexual assault or just a sign that you drink too much and make bad decisions.

[Anonymous]

Tough situation. Was it sexual assault? Technically it may have been. Someone who is incapacitated by drugs or alcohol can’t legally give consent. The only question is, how drunk does one have to be to be considered incapacitated? I’ve been in similar situations where I got drunk and had sex with guys I normally wouldn’t have and regretted it later. I pretty much just chalked it up to my own poor decision to drink that much and moved on. I willingly had the sex but only because of my impairment. I didn’t really blame the guy for it. As for what you should do, that’s a tough one. Do you feel violated enough that you want to see him punished? If so, report it to the police and go on the record. They can advise if you have a case. If not, then consider it a life lesson learned and modify your behavior to avoid these situations in the future.

[Anonymous]

Sounds more of a sexual assault and could also be rape.