That's a shame You still have to treat them like a person. I'd even go so far as to take them to dinner and still call it a friends with benefits arrangement.
@red324 i would never take him to dinner sucking his cock is enough and far as i'd go with him
Well maybe not that guy, but I think an occasional outing in conjunction with sex is fine even as friends with benefits.
@red324 in a pandemic there are no restraunts or dates... i don't think i'd do a friends with benefits if it wasn't for the pandemic... basically i just sucked him kind of to stay in the game and be acquantied with cock keep my skills up so when i can date again i'll be in practice... the longer you don't give head the more difficult it gets.
Don't feel bad. Nobody values relationships anymore. Just think of it as you had a good time with a hot guy. I'm sure you got off pretty good, so it's not like it was a total loss.
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I've always had the mindset of we're either fucking or not fucking. Generally i'd prefer to date one girl and stick with her only, but what I won't do is be her friend and listen about her problems with her boyfriend.
Nothing ever works out exactly as you plan it in your head though. You always have to compromise a little bit somewhere. It seems like we're in the world of hookups now and i'd really prefer to only hookup with a girl if I see it will turn into something regular and worthwhile, but like I said life doesn't always workout that way...
That's not what a friendship is like with the opposite sex😆 I mean sure relationship problems sometimes come up but tbh dudes give the worst advice even to each otherYeah I don't like the hook up era we are in either. I'd rather have the same like you. But I'm too effed in the head right now so friends with benefits is preferable.. it's been 7 months so yeah I totally get nothing ever works out the you plan lol
Its just my opinion. I just can't be friends with girls im attracted to. I'm fine being friends with a girl I'm not attracted too. That doesn't work out either because she either falls for me or falls for another guy then he gets jealous of her guy friends so she'll quit hanging around with me.
It's a hard dynamic. And those girls that stopped hanging around you for their boyfriends was a good thing considering the fact that there was no reason for them to do that unless they felt guilty, meaning they had feelings for you. So being friends probably wouldn't have worked out.
As a man with a crush on his female friend who is herself taken I find the whole argument of "can attractive men and women just be platonic friends" interesting. Especially since if you asked everyone, half the population would probably say "totally, friends fuck each other on occasion" and the other half would say "a friend is someone completely platonic".I'm the guy who's been waiting for the right girl though even going into my mid-20s.
How close are you and your female friend? Like would risking the friendship be worth it? Honestly sometimes between close friends of the opposite sex there is more of a sexual appreciation than a sexual attraction. Like the friendship has been the main focus for so long that that's just what it is. I think after awhile an immunity to any attraction just naturally appears. I don't know to me it's exactly how I see the few friends that I have that are girls. But I'm just used to having friends of the opposite sex, it feels natural and not awkward at all. I think it depends on ones perspective, like can they only see sex and relationships being the only possibility between the two genders. Do you believe that your friend is the right girl for you?
I'll break your questions down:I don't know about the attraction fading. I have female friends that I've had for years that I have no attraction to but that's just because I don't find them physically attractive. Are their personalities nice? Certainly. Do we get along? Sure. But tbh I just don't find them attractive physically and couldn't imagine being with them.If a woman is beautiful, an all-around great person and she's really sweet and kind then it gets really hard to just see her as a completely platonic friend.Do I believe that my friend is the right woman for me? Absolutely.Do I ever think we'd end up together? Not in the slightest.But there's no harm in just being that guy who hangs out with her and she can have a good time with who has a secret crush. If it is a secret.
That is very true. You are correct. Why don't you believe you'll ever end up together? What if she is also secretly into you? You never know.
She's married. And to a great guy too. If he were an asshole I'd have no compunctions about flirting shamelessly and going after her but he's honestly a pretty cool guy.And trust me, there's nothing I want more in the world than to end up with her. She's the greatest woman I've ever met. She's perfect in all her imperfections, beautiful, super funny and witty, way smarter than me, really interesting diverse skills and likes really nerdy shit like me ontop of being gorgeous. So it's no surprise she's taken by a super awesome guy.To my credit, I've become a completely different man through the pandemic. I lost my career and did a lot of soul searching and basically eliminated all of my negative qualities and built myself right up and secured my financial future and started a new career as a musician like I should've done to begin with.I still want her obviously... but that would come at the cost of her marriage and that's the last thing I want. I've told her before my intentions towards her are innocent and that's not a lie. My desires are not innocent, but as long as she's happy I enjoy seeing her smile and I'm not the guy who makes her smile. I'm not the man who asked her for her hand and she said yes to. I'm the random guy who just waltzed into her life (actually she waltzed into mine but same difference) and has a crush.I'm fine being her friend if it means I get to enjoy her company as long as I get to still have my crush. She's smart enoguh she probably knows I have a crush on her anyway.If she at all has a secret crush on me. Which is absurdly impossible... I'd like to think I'd handle it like an adult. It just can't happen.I love her and I love spending time with her and hopefully she trusts she can come to me with anything and I won't take advantage. I'm young and there's plenty of time to find someone, right now I just want to enjoy having the next coffee with her.
That was beautiful. My goodness. Is it bad that I'm totally rooting for you? I feel like this is from a movie. You are an amazingly sweet guy. And you can almost feel the love you have for this girl. I'm the same way about not breaking up her marriage and it's awesome that she found a great guy. But holy hell I wish he was an asshole. And you would literally swoop in! This is seriously a beautiful story hun. You're a good person.
So crazyish. Is there anything wrong with asking a girl out on a date every couple weeks? Like say you been on 3 dates and you want to get a 4th one? Someone once told me I need to just let things flow and dont necessarily worry about when you'll see the girl again I guess is what my friend was saying. I mean it's the guys job to schedule dates and lead the relationship. at least in the beginning.
Well thank you. As a boy I never had anyone interested in me and I always dreamed of having someone but I was a nerdy, skinny loser who no one ever noticed and everyone left alone. I dreamed of going to my prom as a boy and then when it came I knew I'd never have anyone to go with so I just didn't. One of my biggest regrets that I'll never be able to do over.
I'm a man now and I'm always scared no one will see me as that same boy because he's gone but I'm still him. And it's scaring knowing no woman will ever see that. Knowing who I end up with never would've liked me back then.I'm ripped now too and I'm not even 100% on that because on one hand, I took off my shirt in public for the first time in years recently and I immediately put it back on when I noticed a couple woman looking my way. Could've been the tattoos but either way it makes me kind of sad because I know they're going "he's hot" but... this isn't my chest. I'm not this. And they'll never see that.Makes me want to cry sometimes.Her? She saw me. Even if I don't really think she did if that makes sense? I know it doesn't. But she saw something in me because I wouldn't have overcome my addiction if it weren't for her. I'm not the same man she met a year ago and when I go back to that city to see her soon I hope she'll be proud like I kind of am.All of that though is why I probably seem like I'm from a movie. 'Cause in my mind I've been living in a rom-com since I was a boy. It's all I've wanted: To be some woman's husband and have her hold me and be held back. It's why I've waited for the right woman even though I wonder sometimes if that was the right move and will ever pay off. I mean, I'm 24. but there's still time, right?If he were an asshole life would be much easier. But, he isn't. And I don't want to be an asshole. I just want to go play her a song, have lunch and pick up where we left off. I'm not a homewrecker. If anything I'm seriously considering telling her how I feel when I see her so I can ask her if she can help me move forward and telling her that I'd understand if she wants me to go. Thanks for secretly rooting for me though, lol ;P.
I also just gotta add I don't think it's bad you're rooting for me and appreciate it (there's honestly nothing to think bad about or root for, like I said, I'm not trying to be a threat here). But I should really add in how awesome the guy she's with is. Like I'd even marry him. He's well older than me (and her, she's already older than me) in his 50s and is accomplished in the film industry and also works with firearms and martial arts (yeah he could probably kill me for ever moving on his woman anyway). He seemed like a really funny and sweet guy when I met him and he looks he's my age. Only thing he lacks is height but I'm a lean but ripped tattooed guy twice his size and he could probably fuck me up anyway so that doesn't really matter. I have raw strength and I've been in bar fights but I don't know martial arts.Oh also, he knows how to do leatherworking. He's also probably as experienced as she is physically, which I am not.This dude is MILES ahead of me, she nabbed a Great Heron. So however sweet and great a guy I seem, she already has best.
@red324No I don't think there is anything wrong with asking a girl out for a 4th date. But I think it depends on the girl and how many times you've asked. I believe that people will always end up doing what they want. Sometimes yes it's better to put yourself out there and then let her decide. If it's more than a few times and she doesn't seem responsive then that's your answer. But then again if she's worth it to you then go for it because you never know why someone can be hesitant. That probably didn't help in the slightest did it? Sorry it's just hard to say when everyone is different when it comes to dating and our past experiences. Maybe that girl is waiting for someone to put in more effort. You just never know until you try.
@InventorofWrapMaybe you're blind or unsure of other women because you want someone to see and want you for who you really are? And you believe this girl saw and accepted you before you changed. Maybe you're not happy with who you are, if that makes sense. Like you've changed into someone you're not and now it's hard for you to believe someone wouldn't love you if they saw what was underneath the exterior you created. But I get the feeling you changed for her in hopes you would seem better suited for her. I'm not sure if even by some crazy miracle she gets divorced that that will make you happy to have her now. Change needs to come from within. For yourself. Do you know what I mean?
I'm just saying maybe after a few dates it's clear she's into you and so perhaps I should be more casual about it? I tend to get more excited the more dates I get out of her so I just don't want things to fizzle out and want to keep the momentum going. I feel like maybe even though I only prefer to have a date once every couple weeks or so that I feel like I'm smothering them. I may not be at all its just that I feel like so many women will just throw in the towel so easily on something like this. I understand that life is crazy and we don't always have time to schedule a date, but instead of freaking out and ghosting why not just explain that. I'm not really sure why I always seem to feel like I'm smothering them the longer we date but I guess its just an insecurity of mine. In my experiences women will drop a guy for any number of reasons. Many of which I can easily correct or simply communicate with me. It's just upsetting to me that instead of saying hey it's going to be hectic this week so if I don't respond that's why, instead they slowly just disappear
@InventorofWarp You're just lucky her husband is confident enough to not mind having you around and you get to retain the friendship which you seem to enjoy. Many guys get insecure and tell their girl to not see certain people anymore. Seems dumb to me. It's why I think marriage is a joke. You don't own anyone, everyone is free to leave whenever they please.
Not entirely. And you're not wrong.I know people change gradually but I changed twice in my life so far. I changed once when I was 19. After my first girlfriend died when I was 15 my faith was shaken and I spent years still trying to hold onto my optimism and sense of idealism and youthful naivety and innocence and I finally gave up completely after another event when I was 19. I spent four years as a depressed, cynical, lost drug addict. I met her during this time.She still wanted me around and enjoyed hanging out with me for some reason, I don't know why. She helped me reflect and start down the path that I'm on now that's led to recovery and becoming who I once was. I feel like me again. I'm doing everything I used to love and more and learning new skills all the time and I'm continuing to be better. But I'm scared people will see that and not... me as a boy. I don't know it doesn't make sense even in my head it's like I'm afraid of nothing. Who will see me? When I get the body I want that impresses women, the attitude I want that impresses them and the skills and talents I want that impress them (many of which I had before I just had to rediscover it all) who will see who I once was... that lonely kid who no one wanted? How do I trust someone, even her?Also you're not entirely wrong... I just want to hear her say she's proud of me and how impressed she is if I ever get to see her again and how she really can see me, the real me, but I don't know if I'll ever really trust she or anyone can... but also I've changed for me. I didn't like who I was and I'm not that guy. I needed this. And I still need it. It's for me as much as it is her.
Also, no. I don't fully get what you mean by change has to come from within.No matter what I'm always a man in constant conflict with himself over the past and pain that came with never being seen as a boy and knowing I'll never be loved or wanted by anyone. Even her. No one will ever see me no matter how hard they look because I'm gone. The boy is gone, right? I don't know how to keep that same sweet kid alive because no one liked him to begin with. He was so nice and just wanted someone and everyone looked him over and as a man, those same qualities as a boy that I loved and tried to keep alive aren't liked, or it doesn't seem like it. And I'm trapped in constant conflict, uncertainty and mistrust.And if she ever did get divorced... I'd feel terrible for ever wanting that. Maybe it does make me a bad person. I'd feel bad for being with the woman that great guy like her husband loved. I'd wonder how someone can ever love again after that (especially because, call me naive but I still believe in soulmates) and I'd wonder if I could ever compare and if I could ever stack up. I'm at the age where no matter what I'll always feel some level of jealously because whoever I end up, with her past will have been more... experimental... than mine. And I know that's not fair. I actually want someone more experienced than me (which isn't hard) so I can give her my purity ring (nothing to do with marriage or religion) and she can think how sweet it is, hopefully and then I can try not to shake like a leaf and hopefully she can know how to suck a dick :P. But there are still a lot of things to work through. The odds of her having a crush on me and divorcing is less likely than Jesus coming back to have a funky dance off with Adam Levine... but if it did... you're probably right. I'd just feel terrible and be filled with inner demons and fears. Like always. She, like all women, scares the shit out of me anyway.
@red324 Actually I'm hardly her only guy friend. In fact I'd be very surprised if I'm the first young guy she's befriended who's fallen for her, I'm sure at this point she has a harem waiting in the form of her friends.She's a very bubbly and kind person and has a lot of friends and the two of them appear to value their own lives as much as their life together.Which is another reason I'd never be able to have something with a woman like her: I'm a hopelessly hopeless romantic who believes in soulmates to absurd levels even waiting for the right woman well into my 20s. I'd want to spend every moment I could with my significant other and I don't know I'd be okay with the level of friendliness she has with guys she hangs out with.
@red324 That depends on the woman you are dating. I think it's best to keep the momentum going like you say. Because women will question if you're still into them if you become more casual about it. You're completely right that people need to be more up front with their situations and explain things but to be fair, if they have done it in the past and it didn't go over well then I can understand why they believe ghosting is easier. I'm all for being up front and however they handle it is their business but from experience explaining more than I want to is exhausting. But ghosting in a relationship dynamic is never ok. But people will always take the easier way. I honestly feel like there should be an exit interview so people can understand if it was them or not.. you can make people question themselves when you ghost in a relationship. It's not healthy. I think you should be you and do what you do. In my honest opinion, I think there are just a lot of people who try to date who just aren't ready to date.
@InventorofWarp You know how you believe in soulmates? Well i too believe in soulmates, just not in the traditional way. I believe people cross paths for a reason. That there will be some that come into our lives and turn it upside down but for the better. We tend to attach to those the most because we see the change that was needed in our lives. You're not a bad person at all. You're human. Anything you feel or think, there is reason to it and even bad things will have good intentions. You're struggling with who you used to be.. like where does he fit in? Correct? But I guarantee that if you look close enough, he is still you but his behaviors and outlooks are different. He seems unrecognizable because he has changed. He's not gone. He is why you are who you are now. It seems to me that you are changing from within. When you change for yourself.. when you recognize things inside that you are not happy with. I look at it as the people we truly are, our core selves are always there. But they can become so burried by learned behaviors.. by becoming people that other's will like. It's almost like we have to destroy the people we are completely to rebuild. You might have some more destroying to do if you feel you can never be loved. Something that took me a long time to figure out is that I believed I wasn't good enough and unlovable because I wasn't living my true self. Who I became in survival mode, I ended up hating. Rebuilding yourself is really falling in love with yourself. That unlovable feeling starts to fade away when you start loving yourself. And you're completely right. It's a lot of self reflection and facing a lot of bad truth about yourself. But it's the only way to find your true self. I'm not sure what the finish line looks like but I can tell you that your in the midst of it. Do it without outside influence. Don't measure up to other's expectations. That's probably confusing but I hope you get what I'm saying.
I get what you're saying and I do agree to some extent. I used to not be able to see a light at the end of the tunnel but I can see one. I'm almost there. I know it. I can see the end.I beat a fucking drug addiction. I don't know how the fuck I did that but I'm almost 7 months sober.That's fucking insane when I think about it.And when I did that at the same time I got fucking shredded. I don't recognize the stomach I look down at. I'm 12. I shouldn't have abs.And that's the part I'm not ready to let go of: That fear. That fear that no one will really see me or ever love me because I'm still a boy and the boy is gone. And after a drug addiction I don't really know if that sense of boyish innocence and naivety can even remain. And that's who I am. I'm that guy who's so full of romantic bullshit idealism that he devoted his life to a woman he's already loyal to even if she isn't in his life yet.I don't know what the finish line looks like either... but I think fear is still a part of it. I don't think one has to give up being afraid. Fear is not always a detriment or a threat. the inner turmoil and conflict isn't always a detriment. Maybe I'm supposed to solve it before I get to see her again.Maybe I'm never supposed to see her again and I never do. She was just that one moment of my life setting me on the path to sobriety.Maybe I'm supposed to learn to live with the fear and the conflict and just keep fighting even in the face of endless conflict and inevitability.I don't know. I just know that there's still more work and improvement to do. And I have a goal. And that goal is composed of two parts: Seeing me again... and seeing her again.I've done impossible things before. The fact I'm alive is fucking impossible and a downright miracle. I should at the very least have some sort of incredible brain damage. And yet here I stand.
For the record, just to add to my level of romanticism: I learned how to play the piano as a kid and then learned how to speak multiple languages thanks to my immigrant German mother and French-Canadien father... but I proceeded to learn 2 more languages over the course of my teens and young adult years and then in the last year added 1 more specifically so I could call a woman as many words for beautiful as I could think of in as many languages and write her as many love songs and poems as possible in as many tongues.And my purity ring is inscribed "Her King" and has a matching promise ring for my lovely future lady that is inscribed "His Queen" so she'll know that my heart and penis always belong solely to her. Even when she wasn't in my life.It'll be a really difficult pill to swallow when we start talking about past lovers and she talks about fucking in her high school years while I was being bullied and left out but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.An incredible blowjob would probably help ease those jealous and resentful notions.
I've made that mistake and it was terrible.
I went through the same thing. It hurt like hell.
@jerdanro he actually dumped me today. Said I was being to clingy again and I said well this isn’t the first time you have got intimate with me and then say I’m being clingy and blame it on me. I think he’s afraid to love me back and has issues. I asked him today “what are we doing” and he said “idk I think it’s best we just continue as friends” and that fucking hurts like hell
I'm sorry. I know exactly how that feels. It took me a long time to get over it. I'm just starting to look for someone now.