How can I forgive myself for this (long post please read!!)?

First... please keep any rude comments to yourself. I'll immediately block you anyways.

So here it goes... about 5-6 years ago I went through a phase where I visited several escorts & paid for sex. I feel completely disgusted with myself over it now and am finding it very difficult to forgive myself for sinking so low and doing something so completely nasty. Something I never would have thought I'd ever even consider prior & so unlike me.

Back story... prior to this I'd been alone for a very long time and it was just getting harder and harder to deal with getting no attention from girls with each passing day. At the the time I'm pretty sure I had a porn addiction going. Thats a whole other story. Combined with sexting random girls online and sending dick pics to girls ( who i realize could have been gay dudes for all I know) makes me wonder if it wasn't a budding sex addiction of some kind.

I visited the first escort i don't know 4-5 times. Then found another girl i liked better and saw her several times as well. Then I went to a concert in another city and called a girl to my hotel room. What makes me feel especially bad about this one is shed just been gang raped the night before. Her leg was still bandaged. Finally I got a blow job from a girl in a very rough part of town & I realized this has to stop. I felt it was going to far and I was going to wind up in a bad bad situation and can't do this anymore.

I feel completely disgusted and horrible about it. Its been years but im still finding it difficult to forgive myself for what I did. How do I explain this to any girl in my future if we start to get serious? I don't want to keep secrets but this is something that could really damage any potential serious relationship i may have. It wasn't just about sex it was always about being extremely lonely and feeling completely unwanted from from any female and needing to feel something.
Im not a bad person. How can I forgive myself?
Updates:
+1 y
I ran out of room... please understand im not a bad person. I feel horrible about all this now and wish I could undo all of it. It was a bad time in my life for a multitude of reasons & the overwhelming feeling of being alone was getting unbearable. I guess I needed some kind of attention wherever I could find. I know that doesn't excuse my actions but its the truth as I recall it.
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Superb Opinion

  • Ok, first of all, I am sorry you are feeling so uncomfortable about this, and I want to assure you that I have heard similar stories from other men. You are not alone.

    That said, let me also suggest to you that you absolutely did NOT victimize these women. They do what they do for money, and in my own experience, they are grateful for men that treat them decently and pay them well. It is the ones that don't do these things that are the abusers. Don't forget, these women chose this work.

    Also, what they do has social value - they comfort men who are lonely and sad, and you have experienced this yourself. There is value in that. Also, in areas where prostitution is legal, the rates of reported rapes are far lower. It may be that prostitution saves lives.

    There is no shame whatsoever in what you did, and in what they do. There is no need or obligation to share any of this with any future girlfriends or for that matter with anyone.

    Please DM me if you want to discuss this more. I hope you feel better, and I hope you forgive yourself.

Most Helpful Guy

  • Take an std test. As long as you didn't catch anything you're ok. There isn't a need to bring up having escorts if you don't want to.

    You already seem to have difficulty in getting female attention, why push them away by blurting this out to them?

    • I have been tested every thing was fine thank God

    • Then you're fine. Treat it as a learning experience and go from there.

    • I've been contemplating getting the same services because I have had absolutely zero luck with women. I baulk at the price and that is the main thing preventing me from following through.

Most Helpful Girl

  • So why do you feel bad about that? She was the one who answered and got to you wanting your money. Get over it it's a hooker she trades sex for money. Not you who forced her to cum after gang rape she wanted money get over it.

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What Girls & Guys Said

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  • You are NOT a bad person and good for you to realize that things had to change. Look many of us have done things in the past that we regret so do not get down on yourself. Have things turned around at all? Is there a girl in your life?
    Maybe just get tested for STDs for your piece of mind and that way you can move on with a smile. Hang in there!

  • You have to let yourself off the hook a little. Everyone gets lonely, everyone feels like they just cannot go another day without being with somebody.
    Hopefully you will meet somebody that you really care about and she will understand about how lonely you were.