How can I forgive myself for this (long post please read!!)?

First... please keep any rude comments to yourself. I'll immediately block you anyways.

So here it goes... about 5-6 years ago I went through a phase where I visited several escorts & paid for sex. I feel completely disgusted with myself over it now and am finding it very difficult to forgive myself for sinking so low and doing something so completely nasty. Something I never would have thought I'd ever even consider prior & so unlike me.

Back story... prior to this I'd been alone for a very long time and it was just getting harder and harder to deal with getting no attention from girls with each passing day. At the the time I'm pretty sure I had a porn addiction going. Thats a whole other story. Combined with sexting random girls online and sending dick pics to girls ( who i realize could have been gay dudes for all I know) makes me wonder if it wasn't a budding sex addiction of some kind.

I visited the first escort i don't know 4-5 times. Then found another girl i liked better and saw her several times as well. Then I went to a concert in another city and called a girl to my hotel room. What makes me feel especially bad about this one is shed just been gang raped the night before. Her leg was still bandaged. Finally I got a blow job from a girl in a very rough part of town & I realized this has to stop. I felt it was going to far and I was going to wind up in a bad bad situation and can't do this anymore.

I feel completely disgusted and horrible about it. Its been years but im still finding it difficult to forgive myself for what I did. How do I explain this to any girl in my future if we start to get serious? I don't want to keep secrets but this is something that could really damage any potential serious relationship i may have. It wasn't just about sex it was always about being extremely lonely and feeling completely unwanted from from any female and needing to feel something.
Im not a bad person. How can I forgive myself?
1 y
I ran out of room... please understand im not a bad person. I feel horrible about all this now and wish I could undo all of it. It was a bad time in my life for a multitude of reasons & the overwhelming feeling of being alone was getting unbearable. I guess I needed some kind of attention wherever I could find. I know that doesn't excuse my actions but its the truth as I recall it.
How can I forgive myself for this (long post please read!!)?
Add Opinion