NSFW- my boyfriend is way more into anal than PIV sex, what do I do?

Hi, so to start off Im a 22 (f) and my boyfriend is 35 (m). We’ve been seeing each other for about 6 months now and for the most part it’s really great, the only issue is our sex life, he’s much more into anal than piv sex. He’s honestly not even really interested in vaginal sex, he loves going down on me and foreplay and all of that but when the time comes to put it in he starts to go soft or can’t get off. Most the time I get the impression he’s really only doing it for my sake. When he does actually get off it’s usually cause he’s talking dirty and talking about putting in my a$s.

A lot of conversations, even non sexual ones, he drops a comment about doing anal, and honestly I’m just getting tired of it. Im supportive of fetishes and kinks and all that but to drop it into every convo just seems excessive to me. I’ve been open to trying it, we’ve used plugs, fingers and even done anal a few times but everytime I’ve asked to stop because it causes too much pain (he’s pretty well endowed). Honestly it’s starting to really hurt my self esteem and made me feel inadequate because he gets way, way more into it when we do anal and gets off way easier. And afterwards he’s way more satisfied and affectionate. I know it’s unfair for me to think this but now I have the constant feeling that somethings wrong with me and my vagina isn’t good enough, and I’ve never had this issue with previous boyfriends. I’ve tried talking to him about this but he’ll usually just brush it off or turn into a joke to avoid talking about it.

It just really sucks cause we were really good friends before this and connected on such a deep level but now that the relationship has turned sexual it’s completely wrecked my self esteem in the bedroom. How do I handle the situation and is there any way I could ever possibly make this work?
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Superb Opinion
  • It sounds like there's just a fundamental difference in what you're into when it comes to sex, and long-term, it's probably not going to work out between you.

    To be clear, there's nothing wrong with either of you and both your views are valid. People are into different things. Absolutely nothing you do is going to make him not be interested in anal, and he's probably already suppressing how much he's into it around you. But there's nothing wrong with you and your feelings are valid.

    My boyfriend is a lot like yours, actually, so I get it, I really do. Difference is I'm also pretty into it, so it works out. Pain and discomfort is something you can overcome, and it doesn't hurt if you're relaxed and into it, but fundamental lack of interest, feelings of inadequacy, that part is not going to get better.

    It's really easy to get into a relationship and desperately want your partner to feel the same way about something that you do, and feel crushed when they don't. Sadly, you'll both probably have to move on if you want to be happy. Hopefully you can keep your friendship.

Most Helpful Guys

  • Do you know the difference between a fetish and a kink (or, more properly, a paraphilia)? It's the difference between a fuel and a fuel additive; one's a requirement, the other a spice. It kind of sounds like he's got a fetish for anal, and really CAN'T get off otherwise (or not nearly as well). That you haven't had this problem with other guys supports the idea. And it's not really his fault, either; you don't choose what arouses you. You may be able to help tweak some of those associations in his mind, but helping is all you can do; he has to be willing. If he isn't, well, you need to decide what kind of compromise you'll accept.

    You say that he's happy enough to go down on you; that the trouble only starts with penetration. If penile penetration's unavailable for anatomical reasons, would him using a vibrator on you work (psychologically, I mean)? Oral and fingering's all well and good, but sometimes you crave real penetration (well, so I'm told); can you be satisfied with something other than flesh doing that regularly?

    I realize these aren't fun questions to contemplate, but you need to decide where you want to go, and how you're willing to get there.

  • I'm like your boyfriend in the sense that I love anal sex and, truth be known, I prefer it to PIV sex. But I'm not like him in that I enjoy PIV sex and do it every time. But I always finish in her ass. But my girlfriend also enjoys anal a lot, so it works great for us.

    I say all that because I think I understand your boyfriend and he's not going to change. For whatever reason, anal is important to him and that's not going to change. I think you really only have two options. You can learn to enjoy anal sex and embrace his need, or you can move on and find someone more compatible with your sexual needs.

    The good news is a lot of women do learn to love anal sex because it can be pleasurable and lead to very intense orgasms if combined with clitoral stimulation. But you have to get past the pain, and that's going to take some training for your ass with toys. That's a whole other subject.

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What Girls & Guys Said

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  • I like anal as a change of pace, but I'm not going to force the issue (so to speak). It makes me wonder if a girl from a previous relationship was into anal (some women are) and he simply developed a preference for it?

    The bottom line is that if you don't like anal and you can't get off on it, there's no reason to continue to allow it. If you're feeling "generous" you might allow it occasionally as a reward, but otherwise no.

  • I use to not like anal but now it's my favourite

  • you do what he demands.

  • PIV is natural, anal is not

    he’s just a little fekd and maybe gay

  • If he doesn't respect your wishes it's time for him to find a new girlfriend.