Guys, would you prefer to know I was raped before marrying me?

[Anonymous]

Please be honest. I won’t judge. And if you do is there a reason why? Would you be mad finding out that I hid it after getting married? I honestly can’t hide it because I feel guilty because you deserve somebody better not someone who was used and violated.

[btbc92]

Listen. ALWAYS TELL THE TRUTH. It is best to say this before dating a person. Not date them or marry them. Not even as friends. Because people may take advantage of knowing your information. If they cannot stand the fact you were raped, that has nothing to do with you. Many may not be able to handle that and it's fair. Better truth than a lie. Others may, but you have to be careful as you don't want to deal with a man who will take advantage of you because of your a victim of rape. If a man isn't of God, waiting for marriage to have sex, have strong Godly morals, if they are into porn, masturbating, other men, start trying to get you into sexual things, convincing or even telling you they will "teach you" sex, RUN.

just understand that it takes bravery for you to admit that on here, and you have a good heart for being humble and admitted that. More than I can say of other people. But I do warn you don't share that with everybody. Because not everybody has the best intentions at heart. A man first has to have a desire to love you, but it can't be true love if he doesn't know that. Anybody would be mad or mostly frustrated, but relationship/marriage fraud despite fear of rejection is no way to go or to receive love and respect in return. I know perfectly well what that guilt feels like. I am an abuse victim growing up. Still, deal with the same abuse by people, and people don't want to change.

What you're saying I tell guys the same who ask. And let me tell you something, you have to find a way to overcome. Even if you don't get married or involved, you wait for marriage to have sex. And if a man doesn't show you love and tenderness because he loves you, he is not the man for you. A man who loves honors and respect. I cry every day hearing things like this. Because I know what that is like to suffer and wonder what your worth is. I dealt with sexual assault but not been raped, thank God. And I had to be careful who I interacted with because plenty of times that could have happened. Just again be careful, because I sadly met men who would take advantage of you. But just because a man wants a virgin or not been raped, that doesn't mean they deserve somebody who is. I am a virgin but even I know that if somebody says they love you they would appreciate you. People have standards, etc. But the question comes in why a man wants to get involved with you. Because there is a lot of selfish people out there. But my advice for you is don't beg, don't please or people please a man to be interested. If a person wants to get to know you and love you they would. They wouldn't act like they do when they don't.

[Asker]

I’m sorry to hear what you went through it’s not easy... I don’t mind if he rejects me because if that, it’s better than to marry and him finding out afterwards and leave me

[btbc92]

Exactly. I'm sorry you had to suffer through that also. That is a very scary and traumatic situation. Just know that, and I just been reminded of what one of my close friends have said to somebody who has been raped brutally and she is Christian, and what God had done for her life. The docs said she can never have children because of what was done. And God healed her womb, she asked God why did he allow it, and all and God was and still is ever faithful. She is married and pregnant to a loving man. I don't expect a man to tolerate or deal with it either, which is another reason why I am single. But anyone who doesn't value or respect you, please do not date them.

[Asker]

That’s terrible 😭 I never dated anyone too but I still long for someone to love and protect me

[btbc92]

"That’s terrible I never dated anyone too but I still long for someone to love and protect me" I understand but you have to find out why you desire that. It's important as I had to discover that. I learned for the most part it was because when I needed that in my family, others who say they loved me, I sadly didn't have it as I needed. There were times I was told I deserved to be treated that way. I needed Jesus and God more than ever. And I now leave that in their hands. Because no other human being sadly can do that for you unless proven and shown. It's okay to desire it, but be careful because these days men hear that they will come taking advantage of you. A man, let alone a person who knows AUTOMATICALLY does it. You never have to tell them because they just know. Not always intuitively but it's just common sense and basic needs. Some may need it more than others. I know what it's like to not only feel like you have no help but to have people around you physically and they refuse to help you or just stand and watch. Guard that part of yourself. Guard your mind and heart at all times. Still be loving and caring, but understand that nobody is entitled to what you have. What belongs to God and Jesus belongs to them. Others have to earn it.

[btbc92]

my close friends have said about somebody who said about being raped* Sorry for the typo.

[Asker]

I know... when I was raped some people laughed and joked about it. It felt bad and tbh I don’t know how to even tell a guy that I like about it. I’m scared it’s something that is very personal and vulnerable about me, because I wasn’t strong I was used and control against my will. I hope there is other good men in this world. You’re right too, I had a guy in my class told me “I looked like I would holler down if I got raped”, he didn’t know I was raped before but it’s weird he could just tell

[btbc92]

Oh no. That is demons. A familiar probably attached to him because he is spiritually vulnerable and told him that you were. A lot of people are demonic and have spirits they don't know about. Only say something if that person notices such changes and senses something is wrong. Only when and if that person wants and it's starting to get serious. If it's not, you don't have to say anything right away. Because that is how you can tell when that person is quick to run without a logical reason. I remember being severely bullied and nobody helped me. Teachers knew about it and did nothing but suspend me for trying to defend myself. I know what that is like to not have that kind of strength. I was malnourished growing up because of parasites eating it up. Just know that good people are hard to find. But not impossible. Just continue to pray and stay true to who God made you to be and who he wants you to become. And eventually, you'll find the right kind of people.

[Asker]

Thank you. God can only help me

[btbc92]

Your welcome. I pray you find a man who is right for you, who will love and cherish you, who God wants to be able to bring into your life when the right time comes. Just be patient. Don't rush and take your time. Get to build yourself up and focus on healing.

[SweetRomeo]

You ladies are truly sweet and caring perhaps if only men took these to heart. Unfortunately world we live in with so many women on tinder n other apps it's become a norm to expect sex as form of building relationships. Guys advice other guys, dude if she ain't gonna give you the cookie. Bounce. By 30 days. Most men will sugar coat you and be Sweet n romantic. But I agree. If his here for love. Sex is last thing on his mind. More about talking about love n life n kids.

[Destiel_24]

Girl you tell whoever you want and whenever you want and don’t disrespect you because an asshole raped you saying you are not good, enough or whatever, you are obviously the victim and that guy was a fucking jerk. A good man won’t EVER look down on you because of it or blame you nor something like that

[Andres77]

I'm the kind of guy that wants to know everything. But more importantly I'm not one to judge your past.
IF you tell him and he's anything less than supportive... there will be trouble.
I've been with girls that after we have sex and fall asleep I'm woken up by getting slapped and pushed and scratched while she's screaming "stop, get away..." because she's having a dream reliving her rape.
The second time I got away with fewer scratches on my face because I recognized it right away and grabbed her wrists and gently but firmly called her name until she woke up and they both just turned into a blubbering mess.
Scratches on a guy's face get lots of negative attention, by the way.
It's delicate. Your past is your past. Share it with caution.
I'm sorry that happened to you.
Personally, I'd want to know but I'd only ever be supportive.
My wife was wild when she was young. She was never raped but she was beaten up a few times when she was robbed at gunpoint.
Violence leaves a mark that takes forever to heal even after the physical marks have cleared up.
So many of my cousins were raped or molested, boys and girls. My mother in law was robbed at gunpoint and tied up and beaten in her home in Colombia.
Her sister was raped when my wife's uncle was traveling. He found out who the guy was and paid for a sicario to kill the rapist (early 80's in Colombia).
My wife and I talk about everything in our past.
I was dealing with sexual addiction and when we first got married my wife noticed patterns of behavior that worried her and she got me into therapy. That helped with lots of my issues. That's also when I found out more of my wife's past. We just spilled about everything in the safety of the therapist's office. And there was never judgement nor shame nor guilt.
Therapist said that not all couples survive that level of sharing. With us it was perfect.
Again, I'm sorry you had to deal with that.
It sounds like you're out of the victim mentality and not letting it stop you from moving forward, which is awesome because many people just stay victims the rest of their lives.
I hope your man is man enough to love you through this and your past.
This is really just a test for him.
Can he handle you.
Better to find out sooner than later.
Good luck.
I hope you find what you need.

[imbeingmyself]

tbh I don't think so it was your fault if someone forced u to do something and I guess as a partner I expect my partner to tell everything that happened with her at any time without fearing that I will leave her because if someone leaves u because of this then I don't think so he deserved u.

"you deserve somebody better not someone who was used and violated"
I totally disagree with this point, yea if u murdered or raped someone then I would have thought once before marrying but getting raped wasn't in your hand and should not be in your destiny, not only u getting raped should not be in anyone destiny. and miss if someone leaves u because of this reason then believe me u deserve someone better and someone who understands u and also accepts u as u are and loves u unconditionally.

I don't know who you are and where u live but I pray that u will get someone who truly loves u and understand and support u rather than leaving u for something in which it wasn't your fault.

[Asker]

Thanks for the kind words. It means a lot to me... especially going through such a hard time. I um I don’t feel to go on anymore... I don’t know how long I can do this. Please is there anyway to end it?

[imbeingmyself]

firstly really sorry for the late reply I wasn't online for someday because of my project and all that and secondly only if you want we can chat in PMS and if u feel comfortable in sharing things with me maybe u will feel better I'm not a creep and if u think I'm then np no need to pm...

[TurboKid]

I don't know. I guess it depends on whether she still needs some help with that, like therapy. If she is over it and fine, then I don't mind if she keeps it to herself.

[TurboKid]

The things in the past that I would like to know about are the things that are very likely to affect the present and future. Yet if the woman is very uncomfortable talking about it and has moved on and doesn't want to resurface bad memories, I'm okay with that.

[God_of_Thunder]

First of all, I just want to say that such a thing does not, in any way, diminish your worth/value as a person, so saying we deserve someone better is unnecessary.

I would not think less of a woman who had been through something like that, nor would it change my opinion of who she is, as a person.

That being said, if I were in a position of dating someone who had been raped in the past, I would appreciate her telling me, but only insofar as it meant she trusted me enough to share something so traumatic from her past, and allow me to reassure her that it doesn't affect my feelings for her.

[Lliam]

I don't consider any woman who has had sex before to be used or violated. I certainly wouldn't think any less of her if she had been raped. I would want to know, though, so that I could understand her. I would empathize with her and hate her attacker.

The most amazing woman I ever had a relationship with confided that her step father had sexually abused her for over ten years, from the time she was around two or three until she reached puberty. It had effected her psychically. At 31 years old, she was still seeing a therapist. She was a recovering alcoholic. But she was very smart, hard working and determined, compassionate, and everything a man would want in a woman. She a priceless gem; a goddess.

[MrNameless]

Yes, I definitely would. I would never judge you for it. Rape is scary and you have no control of it--and it doesn't make it easier for you knowing that its a traumatic experience that likely shaped you how you see the world and how it could affect relationships for you. Men would want to know because they want to better understand you more, and help you if you need it

[OlderAndWiser]

I would want to know because it potentially impacts how I act with her sexually; I would anticipate that you are a bit more fragile in some aspects, and I would want to be prepared for that. I would feel disappointed to know that she did not trust me enough to reveal that information to me. But I would NOT consider her to be damaged goods.

[ChrisMaster69]

No I would not.

that’s terrible for you, please it does not lessen you are a person.

this was outside of your control, you had no say in the matter.

you love the person because of they are not what happened in the past. It is the present that matters with a relationship.

However yes he may need to know if you still have certain triggers or issues such as been blocked in a corner, someone walking up behind you.

It’s your choice, to say or not say, a lot comes down to how you are emotionally with love making, closeness with someone, all the stuff that a rape can simply destroy.

I would say no, unless it’s really necessary or you have a lovely guy that is understanding and accepts you for who you are, not what was in your past.

it’s a personal thing between two people.

We all have areas of our past that we chose to share or not, I have a load of things I need to decide on what to share or keep private.

[MrCommodore]

Yes, but only because I would want the woman I love to feel comfortable enough to be fully open and honest with me, and know it wouldn't change anything.

Just because a person was a victim of such a horrible attack/violation, it doesn't make them lesser than any other person.

[ohshee]

Yes I definitely would want to know because I am a very touchy-feely type of person who likes to seduce who loves sensual touch loves to make out and who loves to make love in every type of position and I would feel that you would be holding yourself back if you didn't tell me so yes I'd want to know everything and then also let you know, it wasn't your fault and please please whatever you do don't take it out on me I want to give you pleasure I don't want to hurt you and I would hope that I could do it in a way to where you had the best orgasms and you totally enjoyed it would let yourself go to enjoy it and never hold back

[williamHD]

I feel like You should tell because he loves you and probably wants to protect you and always make you comfortable but it’s also an option not to but he may be confused on why you might be acting a certain way if that makes sense.

[summiter]

I would want to know so I could assist her if she ever had issues.

[TwistedTube]

yes, because I already want to know as much about you as I can BEFORE marrying you. ofcourse, minor things can always be learned at a later time, but I'm sure you and I can both agree that having been raped was not a minor thing in your life.
also: having been violated does NOT make you lesser. the only issue with having been raped could be mental issues that (could) come with it. there is no reason for you not deserving as much as anyone else for something that you had absolutely zero control over

[Alyssa11]

You are not unworthy. You deserve the best. You are more than a woman who has been raped. You are more than your feelings of being used and violated.

[GuyWithaBrain]

I chose no, and my reasons are this why should it matter though not knowing i could cause you mental harm doing something that could make you scared and i wouldn't want that i would want to be the kind of guy to make you happy and feel loved as you can tell many said yes and they have their reasons but someone with a kind heart would not judge you for what happen to you but accept you as you are and want to be with the person you are today.

[rosemilk]

Shouldn't you do that before having sex with them? And it may be obvious when having sex or talking about sex. Unless you are waiting for after marriage. Regardless, this is/was a big part of your life unfortunately and I'm sure he'd like to know 🌸

[AndyOh]

I think you need to understand there is NOTHING wrong with you. What happened was awful, but you seemed to have bounced back if you are in a new relationship. You should be honest so he is not blindsided later. Also, if you have any issues with sex because if the event.
I don't know why any guy would reject a woman who was raped. If anything he should have sympathy for her. My concern would be how has it effected your mind and if it will affect our relationship and sex life. Hopefully all is good.
Good Luck.

[slatyb]

Finding out wouldn't change my opinion of her. I would hope that she would feel comfortable telling me anything.

[Avicenna]

That's something you definitely have to tell a partner before you get married and, IMHO, before you have sex with them. No partner worth being with would do anything but reassure you when they find out.

[Agape93]

Don’t technically qualify here but oh well 🤷‍♀️ Far as I’m concerned that is wholly my partners private matter. She doesn’t have to tell me shit if she doesn’t want to do so.

[Dargil]

I would want to know as we started getting intimate to avoid anxiety on her part.

[Inexpensivefurniture]

It wouldn't make a difference in my choice to marry someone or not. I would want my partner to tell me whenever they felt comfortable with me having that knowledge. Whether that's right away or not until 10 years later, it's not going to change my opinion of them