Sexual Relationships
+1 y

Am I being unreasonable about getting upset about finding my boyfriends sex toy?

We've been together almost 8 years. Lack of intimacy has been brought up, several times. I asked for 1 day a week for intimacy. However, my drive is hyper. I know this and don't expect him to meet it. But even once a week has to be initiated by me every time. Most times it's closer to 2 weeks. He tells me all the time he just doesn't have that kind of drive. Yesterday I went into our spare room to find some shorts, I lift up a towel and a flashlight drops out. Immediately I'm angry. I would understand if we had marathon sessions, but even with foreplay they average about 20/25 minutes. I'm definitely not exhausting him with hours long sex. I asked him about it and his response was "I'm not talking about this" which apparently I'm just supposed to accept. So conclusion, he can't find 20 minutes to be with me but finds time to use this toy. Am I being irrational here?
0 1

Superb Opinion

  • Yes, completely irrational. Way off the charts in fact.
    If you're committed to this relationship, which seems questionable as you're shacking up playing house instead of being married, and you want to work out differences in sexual compatibility, you're going to need to spend more time discussing it like rational adults. It is rather obvious he would rather pleasure himself than put up with your whiny bullshit, so you might want to consider that first. Try seducing him instead of berating him. Try making him your number one concern, instead everything being all about YOU.
    And if you've already done this and he's just an unreasonable jerk that cannot satisfy you no matter what, then cut him loose and go find one that can or will.

    And this is why I always say if you fuck up the sexual compatibility thing you sign yourself up for a lifetime of frustration and anxiety. But you surely sound unreasonable and irrational - that's what comes across in your Q.

Most Helpful Guy

  • Sometimes a guy can make himself feel better than a woman can. I've been jacking off since I was old enough to do it. Don't know how big my cock was or anything I just remembered it felt good. That carried over into my marriage and sex. My wife would make all kinds of faces (pain) and it took the fun out of it. I worked nights and when I got home in the morning I'd crawl into bed and jack off. If she was awake she didn't let on. Maybe if you could "catch" him with his toy you could join in. Get some toys of your own and let him know you have them. Her bitchin' about giving me a blow job really affected the sex life.

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What Girls & Guys Said

1 10

  • You simply have differnt wants and needs if its somthing u can't adjust to or be happy with then I don't see any other option but to end it

    • It's not a matter of adjusting, it's a matter of communication. If he has other wants or desires, I'm willing to try that. What I'm struggling with is his unwillingness to communicate with me about these things.

    • Because maybe they are things he wants himself some guys prefer masterbation over sex it's possible he dont enjoy it

  • Eight years? Why? Is he the best you can find? Lack of consortium is a perfectly good reason to end this.

    • 8 years because I truly love him. He is a great man, aside from our differences in sex drive, we have no other issues. I'm simply trying to understand if this is something I'm blowing out of proportion or if I'm being reasonable in wanting to discuss this.

    • Are you willIng to spend he rest of your life unsatisfied to be with him? You definitely need to talk about this.

  • OK am gonna be brutally honest with you, it's not that he doesn't love you he is just not attracted to you anymore and he doesn't want to hurt your feelings and your pushing it too much, so what if he has a sex toy you said it yourself your sex drive is hyper, can't imagine you don't masturbat if you don't then you should probably with a sex toy of your own, but that's just my opinion.

  • what is his age? does he usually go off alobe in the days your going to be intimate (before getting intimate with you but after he knows its going to happen) ? i ask because i can think of one good-ish reason for the toy depending on the answer to one or both questions. that reason could be he feels he is not going long enough for you and is trying to make himself last a little longer by cumming once before getting it on with you.

  • What was it

    • Flashlight. Nothing absurd, but I'm trying to understand why he says he has no drive, but has a toy he uses. I'm not opposed to using it with him, I'm very open. My struggle is with his refusal to even discuss it with me. Considering our libido are not the same and I understand that. But he finds time to use the toy?

    • Talk to him about it

    • What do you mean you wouldn’t be opposed to using that with him?

    • Show All

  • Did you ask this question but worded it differently a few months ago? Or stole it from someone else and added your own spin on it... I bet. I can find it in my opinions feed because I had an opinion that how I remember...🤔

  • He isn’t attracted to you

  • I absolutely don't know how men can put up with once a week and barely being horny.
    It's beyond me... He should be treated by a doctor for excessively low T and I'm being serious.

  • Yea you are would you really want him to come to you everytime he was feeling amorous no you wouldn’t he might be being considerate of you but then again he did he didn’t wanna talk about it so I don’t really know

  • If you can get him to open up about it, try to find out if there are things he's into sexually that you aren't and if that's the reason he uses a fleshlight to fantasize.

  • You should understand that this also happens to women when we no longer desire our partner. We still have the sexual desire but not with our partner, and that is what I think happens to your husband. He feels like it but he doesn't want you anymore.

    • This has absolutely nothing to do with him loving me. That I don't question.

    • He can love you but also not want you sexualy i never mentioned about love. Its all about he not wantning you

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