Is it generally true that whatever role you like in bed - Dominant or Submissive - is the opposite of how you generally act?

Is it generally true that whatever role you like in bed - Dominant or Submissive - is the opposite of how you generally act?
Is it generally true that whatever role you like in bed - Dominant or Submissive - is the opposite of how you generally act?
Is it true that Subs in the bedroom are generally dominant people in everyday life, and Doms in the bedroom are generally submissive people in everyday life? A woman I knew once said this to me; she was heavy into the BDSM sh*t. I'm not; I don't really want to be, either. But she suggested this theory was the case. Is it?
Yes it's true; in the bedroom, people tend to be the opposite of their personality.
Vote A
No it's not true; it depends on other factors.
Vote B
Results, please.
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Most Helpful Girls

  • I don't exactly know how are people supposed to act outside of bedroom to be called submissive or dominant.

    Do you measure that by their willingness to serve or be served by other people, for example in the house or a business setting? Is it about who wins the arguments or gives the orders around the house?

    My guy runs his own business for example. He's dominant in bed and likes to have complete control over his life. His position would be considered domimant relative to his emplyees, and maybe you could say his inner will and desire to take responsibility for other people (because that's what a Dom mainly is in BDSM. A Dom doesn't just order people around for his own selfish pleasure) is a little involved there. But generally, business interactions are far more complicated to be defined with the concepts of dom and sub. You have an entire hierarchy of people simultanously serving and being served by each other. It's not exactly sound reasoning to say because someone isn't a CEO, he is necessarily "submissive outside of bed", thus he would desire to be "dominant in bed".

    Yes, a dominant man who orders people at his work might tell his sub to top him for the night because he is a little tired and needs relief. But that's not a rule or a recurring theme, speaking from experience. It really depends on the situation. A dominant man could be jobless and still need to feel partial relief from responsibilities and seek it in bed. There is also a difference between being dominant and submissive and being a top/bottom in bed for the night.

    As for who wins the arguments, you're either a brainless couple incapable of proper reasoning so naturally the more powerful force wins. It could be a loud screeching woman or a man with a heavy hand. You could also have brains and have discussions like two civilized people and don't let your dom/sub instincts in bed get involved in arguments. It has nothing to do with BDSM.

    Ordering and decisions are the same as discussions. Some decisions need two educated brains or more, capable of complex thinking.

    Some decisions are more trivial and you could even sexualize them. Like a dom ordering a sub when and where to do X before doing Y before dinner. Ordering or being ordered can be a lot of fun and very sexy in a Dom/sub dynamic.

    I myself am submissive in bed. I enjoy giving to and serving the one I love. But I don't exactly act "submissive" when I am working. That could put me at a disadvantage. I wouldn't want that. I also think I could run my own business if I get more educated.

    I also enjoy being ordered around. I find it very arousing. But that doesn't expand to every single area of our lives because we aren't binary AI. It's not either/or.

    Overall, dominance and submission in BDSM are mostly about experiencing different kinds of pleasures. A D/s relationship is also all about choices. It's never one absolute declaration of servatude or "lordship". It's just fun and games + psychological fulfilment/satisfactions related to activities and behaviours that you allow each other to experience.

    • Confident and shy.

    • Like, shy people want to be dominant and confident people want to be submissive?

    • Basically.

    • Show All
  • No. I'm dominant in bed. Outside, I don't mind following, I don't mind leading. Depends on the situation, the person

Most Helpful Guys

  • I don't think it's a rule.

    I've never known a woman who was dominant in the bedroom. But none of them had dominant personalities outside the bedroom, either. They acted like regular girls all the time.

    I can't speak for any guy but myself. I'm not a dominating type outside the bedroom, although I refuse to be dominated. I'm friendly, agreeable and supportive toward everyone I meet. In groups, I enjoy listening to the thoughts of others and collaborating. I can be seen as a leader but don't particularly want to be in charge. I'm pretty extroverted when interacting with others. I am open and sometimes too honest with my thoughts and opinions. I don't put on a show of machismo but anyone who tries to boss me can fuck right off. I don't take orders or care about rules. I don't stand by when anyone is being bullied or treated unjustly.
    Anyway, that's how I would describe my personality. It doesn't sound dominant or submissive, does it?

    With female partners, I enjoy being a gentleman and treating them like ladies. I like thinking of them as frail, soft, delicate creatures but with a full understanding that they are tougher than they look and have wills of their own. They are capable and competent. I don't denigrate that. I want them to have dignity and confidence. I respect their intelligence and independence. I really enjoy earning the admiration of an admirable woman and being looked up to as a man who will make her feel safe, secure, nurtured and appreciated.

    In the bedroom, I am definitely not submissive. I'm not going to be tied up or subjected to BD or M. But I'm only dominating in the sense of being masculine. I mean, men do the fucking and women like to get fucked. Getting fucked good means being gripped, moved, positioned, lifted, pinned, sometimes having their ass slapped or their hair pulled a bit. I love that shit.
    At the same time, I love a woman who aggressively pursues her own pleasure by fucking back enthusiastically, moving around, telling me what she wants, riding me at times, and basically using me the way I am using her. Sex is a cooperative effort. It's not one sided.
    Back to dominance, I do enjoy spanking a woman's bare ass with my hand, and I'm willing to play the game of binding her hands and/or feet on occasion if it turns her on. I just draw the line at hurting, harming, disrespecting or degrading her.

    So I'm not sure if my personality/behaviors inside and outside the bedroom are much different.

  • I disagree. I think for SOME people this is true, but I think it has far more to do with their psychological profile then anything else. I'm dominant in bed, doesn't mean I'm submissive in real life. I'm laid back in real life but I'm also known as some one who doesn't give a fuck and I speak my mind and I speak it bluntly (as can be seen in my posts and comments) and while I try to be nice about it I'm not going to lie to spare some one elses feelings.

    However with my dominance in bed and my kinks, that is directly tied to my psychological profile. That is I like to dominate, but I don't like to hurt, I want her to want to submit. Its because as a child I was not loved and now I crave that love during sex to the point where I want her to need me to the point where she will let me do what ever I want to her, that I want to own her but also want her devotion to me which again, is directly related to and an amplification of that lack of connection intimacy and love in childhood.

    So not the opposite of what I am in real life but a massive amplification of psychological trauma and psychological desires. I think the reason why this some times is mistaken for being the opposite is because of dominant women in everyday life (in positions of power) have a biological inclination to being submissive so they are more likely to go to the extreme end of it and crave that submission, while men who are submissive in real life have an inherent desire to be more dominant (but are not, perhaps due to psychological trauma or fear or what have you), and thus are more likely to be dominant during sex as a way of releasing and fullfilling that craving.

    • "I think the reason why this some times is mistaken for being the opposite is because of dominant women in everyday life have a biological inclination to being submissive so they are more likely to go to the extreme end of it and crave that submission. While men who are submissive in real life have an inherent desire to be more dominant... thus are more likely to be dominant during sex as a way of releasing and fulfilling that craving." That's what I was thinking. But everyone is saying that is not the case. I wouldn't know enough about people's bedroom kinks to know for sure, either way, so I'll assume everyone else is right.

    • Well like I said, this is the most obvious situation, but its not so much a switch as that psychological underpinning that is being ignored that creates that perception. Also political views have been shown to influence it as well i. e. conservatives tend towards bdsm (dominance submission) while leftists (I refuse to call them liberals because they are not) tend towards the more out their stuff like swinging and cuckolding. Women tend towards sexual acts that make them submissive and men towards ones that assert dominance. Again, their biological drives affect it but the pychological aspects create some "interesting" kinks.

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What Girls & Guys Said

2 2
  • In my case, it’s pretty true.

  • Naw. I don't think it's true.
    At least not in my case

  • I don't know if its true, but very interesting theory

  • No i dominate in and out of the bedroom