Is this fear irrational?

[Anonymous]

I was raised traditionally and so was told that having sex is taboo and 'cheap.' Unless you are deeply in love and willing to give your life to somwone, I believe the other person will laugh at how 'cheap' you are. I feel that even though you are married to someone they will lose respect after you have sex with them. I don't even want to pursue relationships for this fear, I am an adult I'm 25.

[Gbear01]

This fear is definitely irrational, and you should talk with someone about it before pursuing relationships. Let's look at your fear. If your partner loses respect for you after commiting an act made to unify the both you, then they never respected you to begin with. Not only that, but if your fear is the act of sex will cause your partner to think lesser of you then your partner should think lesser of themselves as well seeing as sex is done by two people. Also, let me note that Sex is a gift that can and should be used in the right confines (i. e. marriage) so there's nothing trashy about it. If someone has committed the act of sex outside of marriage, they are not trashy and shouldn't be viewed as such for simply letting their flesh get the better of them. Sex is to be enjoyed with your spouse not feared.

[Asker]

Hey thank you for your response. The fact that I think my partner will think less of me is because of my body. I'm not excessively overweight or anything, but I'm not comfortable with my body at all. I could never imagine being undressed infront of anyone let alone a guy. I was always told that sex is disgusting, and I knew a girl who was overweight and she sexted her boyfriend, so everyone automatically said it was disgusting and 'ew' how does he look at her body and all. But I then asked what if she was married to him, and everyone automatically said 'that's different when you're married'. In our culture we have arranged marriages, and back in the day even the concept of falling in love before marriage was considered 'bad'. How is it that you are allowed to have sex with someone after marriage even though you aren't in love with them considered 'normal' but having with with a partner who you at least love alittle more worse? Simply illogical

[Gbear01]

That is very illogical. Love just as sex is a gift and as I said before it's meant to unify. What is there to unify if there is no love? I personally believe you should love the person you're going to marry because Marriage is a promise and a sacrifice. Part of you now belongs to your spouse and vise versa. Marriage itself isn't even the promise but Love is. There can be more love held in a regular romantic relationship than a marriage. Love is not a noun, but a verb. Love is to be there for someone through every good and bad part of life. A promise to help, honour, and cherish that person. Not because that's what's expected of you, but because you care for this person so much that you can't imagine not being there for them. You have to be on one accord together. That love right there is the reason why people can see the beauty in someone that no one else can. It's also the reason why you shouldn't be afraid to share your body with your spouse. Love is beautiful and the love you two will have for each other will make you both more beautiful to each other. It will also make the sex more than just sex, but an intimate solidarity of that love. You also have to know your worth and value for yourself. You need to know that you're worth it first and make sure others know it too. I'm not saying be haughty but be confident in your person. It's the love that you have for yourself that will make you beautiful in your eyes too.

[Asker]

Many in my culture don't marry for love. There is a thing called 'arranged marriage' so although you can love in an arranged marriage, most marriages are just a compromise. Even love itself is deemed a 'bad thing' to many, I know a guy 3-4yrs older than me who sacrificed his love because he was trying to 'prove' that he only gets married because his parents told him to. And his parents boast about raising their kids 'right' and that their kid will only choose amongst the potential partner the parents present and not go find someone in their own accord. He liked the same girl for 5 years, he'd even peak through the door to look at her everytime he sees her but sacrificed everything because he didn't want to disappoint his parents. He later got married to a friend of his that his parents chose. So yes, even having the desire for 'love' is deemed as cheap to many in my culture. Many parents take pride in saying their kid doesn't have an interest in relationships. This is what I don't understand. If you say ur kid will only marry because of their parents will, then isn't it worse that ur kid is having sex with them after marriage?

[Gbear01]

That is definitely worse. No one should ever have to walk away from potential love because it's not deemed acceptable in culture. That's very unfair.

[Asker]

Thank you :)

[Charliefretz329]

I was taught similar things to this. As a young person, that shit sticks far longer than many think it should. I was taught that sex is dirty immortal and disgusting I’m any way shape or form until you are married, by one of my parents. It really fucks you up to think that a normal healthy sex drive is so shameful, evil, and despicable.

[Asker]

Thank you, your comment really resonated with me, and I'm glad you understand. I do have a relatively low sex drive, but my problem is relatively similar except for the fact that I was kinda under the notion that sex is bad even after marriage unless you are completely in love and willing to give your life to that person. Since I was taught that sex was disgusting and immoral, I was questioning what exactly made it virtuous 'after' one is married? It's the same thing isn't it, most people aren't completely in love with their spouses, some people have much more love and respect for their girlfriend/boyfriend or even their crush, so marriage doesn't always equate to love. So I didn't understand why it was just ok after marriage, but not before? In our culture we have arranged marriages (not forced) but not completely in love when you get married either, so how is sex alright there? Since sex is disgusting, how does 'just' getting married supposedly change the fact that it's disgusting? I just don't understand.

[Charliefretz329]

I understand the conflict 100%! It hard to switch over to acceptance when you are conditioned to despise it. I have a super high sex drive and have felt despair and shame and failure my whole life.

[Charliefretz329]

I agree that sex is better in a committed relationship where possible children will have a supportive family to raise them and pregnant women a supportive partner to assist them. That is true! But even though I know now that sex and sex drive is normal, I have unrelenting baggage always related to the shame of sex.

[Asker]

I agree with that, but I do guess it's taken far when just the fact that someone had sex without being married is deemed immoral. In the culture I was raised in, some even they treat being in love as a bad thing and we have what's called an arranged marriage. You can love in an arranged marriage but it isn't necessary and parents pretty much boasts pride in saying their kids aren't interested in relationships or being in love. I know a guy who liked me for 5 years but due to this reason he didn't even openly admit this to me and got married to one of the prospective partners his parents chose. When after 5 years he'd peak through the door to look at me whenever he saw me but was trying to prove to his parents that he was 'immune' to love and ended up marrying one of his long term friends according to his parent's choice. This my question is if ur kid is supposedly 'immune' to falling in love, then obviously they wouldn't love their spouse so hence isn't it worse that they're having sex immediately after marriage?

[Charliefretz329]

Culture places some of the most ridiculous structures on natural healthy life. I have no explanation for it. Your culture is different than mine. But in my culture we have to wear clothes while swimming, and have to hold our Urine on public, wear heavy clothes and shoes in the heat and also prevent flatulence around others. All significantly physically unhealthy cultural norms.

[Charliefretz329]

The mental and emotional unhealthy norms are just as bad

[Asker]

I agree with that, but I do guess it's taken too far when just the fact that someone had sex without being married is deemed immoral. In the culture I was raised in, some even treat being in love as a bad thing and we have what's called an arranged marriage. You can love in an arranged marriage but it isn't necessary and parents pretty much take pride in saying their kids aren't interested in relationships or being in love! I know a guy who liked me for 5 years but due to this reason he didn't even openly admit this to me and got married to one of the prospective partners his parents chose. When after 5 years he'd peak through the door to look at me whenever he saw me but was trying to prove to his parents that he was 'immune' to love and ended up marrying one of his long term friends according to his parent's choice. This my question, if ur kid is supposedly 'immune' to falling in love, then what makes it alright that they are now having sex immediately after getting married to their spouse? Is this not 'immoral and disgusting'?

[Charliefretz329]

Being taught that sex is dirty and wrong is stupid. Adding love to that is terrible

[Asker]

Sorry, I accidentally posted the same reply twice. But thank you, finally someone agrees with the fact that this is insanity :)

[Charliefretz329]

You are very welcome! I’m glad you could find some relief here and answers. I know first hand how much these things can bother you inside! 🤗

[DonkeyDan]

Wow, your parents really did a nunber on you. It's completely irrational.

[AustinMan]

Not irrational but not true.

[MTC29]

Crazy stuff. At age 25, you're an adult and should be well clear of any such influence.

[Ms_Vanderquack]

Yes, very irrational.

[Caliguy88]

Don’t worry about what others think. That’s not for them to decide that