Did im rapist or its all misunderstanding?

[Lokijato]

Hello there. I wanna talk about my sexual experiences what makes me feel anixiety. I was with girlfriend from my 15. When we was together she tells me she was raped under drugs. This time I was cry a lot when she tells me and I have a lot of anixiety and problems in bed - I mean, I was very aware what im doing to her, feel anixious like I can hurt her. One day I have panic attack when I feel like im doing her something bad - I just want sex and feel like im doing her what the guy does. We broke up. It was 5 years relationship. After that I met a girl. This girl was so different and she tell me after our first sex she need me to be more evil to her. It was very uncofortable for me, but I was trying to do be evil. And now I feel like I was trying a lot. She was into BDSM and I was really didn't know how to handle that. So, sometimes when I was trying to have sex with her, I was very pushy. Like it will be that evil thing what she need from me. She likes choking and other things and I was doing that, but to be honest I didn't feel pleassure from that, I just think thats way. But one day, when I was doing that and we have sex, she started to cry. I was stopped and feel horrible, I feel like I was do what I always hate. I aplogoise to her. One night she tells me she feel like im raping her when im going to her slowly, but maybe it cannot be like that if I will be more like real rape. I think we had some more issues with that. Also one day she tells me she like to be prostitute. And she dont understand why im against it, like she dont have emotions in sex. Now, im superconfused what I was done to her. One day she said we dont have chemistry because maybe we done something wrong to each other. And if I asked her, she dont want me to tell. I know I push boundaries, but I must say it was look like she want it from start. When I ask what she like in bed, she just Rolls her eyes. I was really confused all the time of relationship and now I feel like monster.

[SnakeBoop]

this sounds like a great deal of miscommunication and simply two people not built for sex together.
its very extreme for her to have made a comment like that "when you're going "too slow" its like you're raping me".
You're clearly uncomfortable with what she considers normal sex (choking etc, the things that get her off). PLEASE stop all sex and have a sit down together seriously to discuss how you both feel.
I would personally advise this situation sounds toxic for both of you to continue sexually, but you both may reach a compromise from speaking.

[Lokijato]

Thanks for reply. Relationship is over now, she never want to talk about sex. All the time she refuse me.

[SnakeBoop]

Yeah, definitely not a relationship that sounded healthy for you! In the nicest way, I'm glad its ended for you.

[Lokijato]

But still, I can ask more about premission to have sex. I just want to turn her on and dont know im pushing boundaries. I think something is really bad with me But maybe its because im healing from abuse from this relationship now. Because I just now in my 23 years old im discovering something like connection between two people in sex. Like can feel the second and feel together. I definetly hurt her in some way. She didn't say no but it doesn't mean yes. How I said, im so confused our of this relationship.

[SnakeBoop]

it definitely is confusing. So far nothing has set off alarm bells. I would focus on moving on, perhaps adopting a "stop as soon as you are unsure" kind of approach

[Lokijato]

Thank you so much, its nice to see somebody listen.

[RCase321]

She's looking for excuses to leave. She wanted you to be more Evil. She enjoyed it the whole time. She's playing with you

[Lokijato]

Thabns for reply. Ok I will tell more about our relationship here. She was very abusive on me whole time. I think she was narc. I know its popular to say now but she was yelling at me for little things. She cut me off from friends, looked into my messages all these things. But truth is I didn't respect her boundaries in our sex life on start. All I was thinking was she need it like that so I will do that. It wasn't about I have control I just trying to be best in her eyes. But just because she was abusive on me doesn't mean I didn't do something wrong. And I was forcing her into that, thats the point. Forcing her because I think thats the way. But still forcing, I wasn't ask her enough maybe. I dont know im very confused about that. But again, thanks for reply.

[Anonymous]

You haven't done anything wrong.

You didn't rape your first girl friend and that can take a lot of time to get past, maybe some never do.

Your second girlfriend just wasn't sexually compatible with you and thats fine.

Hopefully girl number 3 will not have been raped and will not get off on being raped and all will be well.

[Lokijato]

Thanks for reply. But I know and feel I didn't ask her enough. Like I just do that. I need sex and just think how to get it and think this is the way - be agressive and pushy. But how I said before in comments, im healing from this relationship more than just sexualy.

[Opinion Owner]

Maybe i misunderstood. She is saying that you raped her? No means no. You should be talking about what sort of sex you like and what you want to do in order to gain informed consent and understand your partner.

[Lokijato]

She just say we maybe did something bad to each other. I mean, we was together for two years. This issues happend during maybe first year of our relationship. When I realize im hurting you, I was very aware of what im doing. She was very on/off with me In bed. Sometimes she tells me im awful, or yunk. Sometimes she want sex. And I can't answer you, because I dont know. She never want to talk about sex.

[Opinion Owner]

Youve had some difficult experiences, its not always that complicated.

[Lokijato]

Yes this relationship wasn't easy at all. Im emotionaly numb after that.

[Jamie05rhs]

Bro, I'm sorry. Please don't feel bad; I don't think it was your fault. But this is why they say "don't stick your dick in crazy.". If a girl says she wants to be raped, you RUN.

[Lokijato]

Thank you a lot for that. Another reason why I was act like this was - she tells me before she liked when one guy choked her (not sexualy) and she almost collapse. She tells me she LIKED THE FEAR OF THAT. Next time she tells me she met a guy on street, he pull her hairs and she get wet because of it. In some way this crazy things was atractive. It was new. And because she tells me things like this, I was act like idiot and think this is the way. Now how Im telling it all here I realizing these things. I complete forgot she tells me these things before. It was reason why I was trying. Thank you again.

[Jamie05rhs]

Yeah, she crazy a f.

[Jamie05rhs]

No problem. Just remember for the future to stay away from women like that.

[Iron_Man]

Take something like this to a counselor

[Lokijato]

I will thanks for reply.