Sexual Relationships
+1 y

My boyfriend had sex with me whilst I was asleep?

My boyfriend and I have a great relationship, he's so lovely with me and treats me so well. We both have really high sex drives and have a lot of sex.
Some mornings when he stays over I wake up to him feeling me up or playing with me, or occasionally going down on me, but I have always woken up to this - we continue a bit of foreplay and then have sex.
This morning however I woke up to him inside me having sex. I have a history of sexual assault and abuse on multiple occasions throughout my life and he's aware of this. When I've woken up to him feeling me up in the past I've been fine, because I've always been awake when we've started having sex and have actively engaged in it.
This morning though I froze when I woke and felt him inside me (which can be a common reaction in sexual assult survivours) and lay there for a bit and kind of zoned out to it (which again can be a bit of a reaction when you're scared or triggered). I was half asleep still as I had taken some sleeping tablets the night before and barely engaged throughout the rest of it. It was very obvious that I wasn't fully awake and wasn't properly engaging. He finished and said "wakey wakey" and made a comment along the lines of "someone really didn't want to wake up for that".

I didn't say anything after I was too embarrassed and wanted to act normal because he's a nice guy and didn't want to make him feel embarrassed or upset him.

I feel really triggered and anxious today and don't feel like talking to or seeing him. He's sent a few nice messages but I'm not sure what to do. If I bring it up I'm scared it'll ruin our sex life and he won't initiate sex again. One friend said I should leave him, but he really is a nice guy and treats me amazingly aside from that incident this morning and I do love him. I just hate that I felt like a bit of an object this morning.

Any advice?
Sorry for the long story
Thanks x
0 0

Superb Opinion

  • Looking at the other (predicable) replies, I think people are missing the context. It sounds like him "waking you with sexual activities" is a pretty normal thing, and something you are normally just fine with. That is IMPORTANT here, because you have an established pattern. This isn't some guy you had a one-night-stand with who did this in the morning - this is your boyfriend who you live with, and have done this regularly in the past.

    It sounds to me like you took those sleeping pills, which zonked you out to the point where you didn't respond as you normally do - you said you normally wake up from the foreplay, but this time you didn't. But from your boyfriend's point of view, the amount of actual reactions and visible movement may not be a whole lot different - women can be pretty passive during sex, especially morning sex when they're just waking up. You feel like there's a difference in your level of participation, but I suspect that it's not as big of a difference as your boyfriend perceived it. And, yeah, maybe he was kind of clueless and not paying any attention - assuming that this is a normal thing between you two and having no idea you'd have a problem with it, so he wasn't looking out to see whether you were zoned out a lot more than normal.

    Essentially, the two of you created a big grey area here, and in my opinion you're putting too much expectation on him to "notice you weren't participating as much" - though I'd also blame him some for not paying closer attention. He clearly didn't intend any harm or hurt to you, and had you not taking the sleeping pills, we probably wouldn't be talking about this. This is why communication is so important: you need to make it clear when you are taking sleeping pills (because they can have a number of problematic consequences - what if there was a fire and you didn't wake up?), and you need to make it clear that it's HIS job to ensure that you are awake before he goes beyond foreplay, especially if you have taken sleeping pills. I'm guessing he never put 2 and 2 together to realize that taking a sleeping pill at night can leave you dead to the world in the morning and unable to wake up normally.

    Anyway, in my opinion, the people saying "rape" or "break up with him" are not looking at the context here. I'm the first to say "end it" if there's something actually problematic, but this is, in my opinion, simply a communication breakdown, and talking about it will almost certainly fix it. If I thought he had any malicious intent, that would be very different, but it seems clear that there was none, and that this was otherwise fairly routine for you two. So, go have the conversation with him, tell him how you felt, and LET HIM GIVE YOU HIS PERCEPTION, and then work out a solution that you can both live with.

Most Helpful Guy

  • Hi X, wow... I think you are over thinking his reaction to something that he already knows about. I don't think he had a clue that you were freaking out; he thought you were groggy or half a sleep.
    Don't be afraid to voice your feelings or concerns. If he likes you that much and you talk to him in a nice way, I am pretty sure he will listen.
    I do hope you find a way to get over this pain from those experiences.
    Take care.

    • Thanks for the MHO :)

Most Helpful Girl

  • Talk to him. Tell him why what he did hurt you so much.

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What Girls & Guys Said

1 10

  • You ever hear of boundaries. You meet him in person... and say: "I had some bad experiences in my life that I'm reminded of when I wake up with you having sex with me. From now on don't touch me down there if I'm not awake." Then you smile... and take a sip of coffee or whatever you like to drink.

    If he says he can't follow that or he goes against your wishes then you dump him.

  • That’s rape.

  • Tell him your feelings about it and ask that he not doesn't do that again.

  • Well tell him how you feel. Some girls like stuff like that….. could be a misunderstanding….

  • Tell him that while you're fine with hiw he wakes you up sexually that you want to be awake before having sex. Tell him that waking up while he was inside of you reminded you if your sexual assault. He needs to know that what he did crossed the line. I am not saying that it's wrong unilaterally and I don't think he had bad intentions. Therefore he didn't do anything wrong intentionally.

  • U self induced urself with a sleep agent , which in turn kept u drowsey beyond normalcy and that choice actually made you remember some triggering moments due to altering your own mind. Out of a pattern of foreplay with ur so , u didn't react as usual because of the sleeping agent so now ur concerned something not right happened... ur fault and fears are gravitating u to overreact wrongfully.

  • Very sorry to hear that. But if you still have feelings for him you must talk to him. Not straight away but soon. You must take the time to gather enough of your feelings and you have to be open with him.

    Maybe for now tell him that you are going through some emotional difficulties and that you want to talk to him, but you have to gather your feelings first.

    Other than that I have no idea.

  • Don't be an idiot. You need to tell him about your history and let him know what you're comfortable with, and what you're not.

  • That's strange I just saw some other girl that suppose to rape her boyfriend

  • so basically he raped you. he fucked you and you couldn't give your consent to him fucking you and now you're still wanting to stay with him even though he KNEW about about your sexual traumatic past and your sexual assault and rape history. and he STILL went ahead and had sex with you while you were unconscious violating your rights and boundaries. Listen this guy sure as hell doesn't respect you and isn't as nice as he's pretending to be especially if he knew about your prior history. You need to leave his ass like your friend said and possibly file rape charges on him but that's entirely up to you.

    • Oh shut up dude. Comprehend correctly next time.

    • @Djaay fuck you asswipe

    • @Djaay go get your ass pounded by some gay guy

    • Show All

  • that's a shame. All men are evil. you will end up with a lesbian sooner or later. don't have children because the sperm come from dirty filthy males

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