Sexual Relationships
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I've been having sex only a few months since my husband died. I feel guilty and confused. Am I wrong for doing it?

Ive been having sex only a few months since my husband died. I feel guilty and confused. Am I wrong for doing it?
It's been a little over four months since my husband died. This is easily one of the hardest things I've ever gone through. He was my best friend who knew and loved me more than anyone else. There are so many moments when I don't know what I'll do without him.

But not that long after my husband's death I began to notice other men and even started to want sex again. I felt (and still feel) extremely guilty about it. There's a large part of me inside that feels like it's too soon & I'm betraying him (as well as our 3 kids)

However, 2 weeks ago I started a sexual relationship with another man. He's my apartment neighbor. He moved in about three months ago.

There's a big part of me that thinks that this is a great arrangement. I'm not looking or ready for an actual relationship but I do feel sexual desires. This guy isn't someone I'd ever consider getting in a relationship with as he's far too young (I''m 44, he's 25). However, he's incredibly sexy, got an amazing body, and is actually great in bed. I find it incredibly flattering that someone so young/sexy would be so incredibly physically/sexually attracted to me (a middle aged woman). He also recovers quickly so we can go quite a few rounds! Moreover, all my kids have moved out of the house so it's fairly easy to make sure they don't know.

But there is still a big part of me feels guilty. I know it's 'till death do you part', but it hasn't been that long. Moreover, even though my kids don't know part of me feels like I'm betraying them. I'm in a weird situation where I feel incredibly guilty but still want more. I've told myself I'd stop, but I keep going back. This incredible guilt yet strong desire that still pulls me back is driving me crazy. I've got to stop being so torn. Is it wrong to start having a sexual relationship so soon after my husband's death? If "yes" how do I pull myself out of this as I'm extraordinarily drawn to it? If "no" how do I stop feeling so guilty?
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Superb Opinion

  • What you may not realize here is that you're using this relationship as an escape from the reality of the loss of your husband, just as some people might turn to alcohol or drugs. And while casual sex with a young neighbor is less unhealthy than booze or drugs, you're really only delaying the processing of the emotions of your husband's death. But that time of emotional reckoning isn't going way - you can only hold it off for so long before things build up and crash on top of you, usually at the worst time in the worst way. That's why escaping isn't a solution.

    It's easy to rationalize the relationship, but that doesn't change the fact that the reason you feel so guilty about it is because you know you aren't "free" of your husband - there's a mourning period that you've not completed, and mourning is the process of healing for the people who are still living - it's for YOU, not your husband. You need that time and space and healing so that you can close that chapter of your life and feel good moving forward. Delaying it will only make it harder and more costly (emotionally and perhaps otherwise) in the long run. YOU are the one who will ultimately suffer - the guilt will only grow and grow.

    That's not to say that you won't be ready to move on at some point - of course you will. But right now you are like someone who has a shattered leg. You may have gotten surgery and plates and screws to keep your bones together, but the bones have not yet HEALED. Yet, you've "cut off your cast" and are hobbling around without proper therapy and healing time, and you're only going to make that leg worse, and the actual healing process longer and more painful. And if you continue, you may do enough PERMANENT damage that you can never walk right again...

Most Helpful Guy

  • Let me get this straight...

    "It's been a little over four months since my husband died."

    "However, 2 weeks ago I started a sexual relationship with another man. He's my apartment neighbor. He moved in about three months ago."

    ====
    So, "moved in"... Does this mean:
    A ) "moved into an apartment near yours"
    or
    B) "moved in with you"?
    This makes a world of difference

    I will assume A for the moment.

    I understand how you feel. You are on the rebound. I was madly in love with one woman who dumped me. I felt guilty too because, when you are really in love, a monogamy switch goes off in your head. But, when faced with reality - that the person is gone and not coming back - you are in this odd limbo of guilt versus need... like being a starving vegetarian but the only thing on your plate is a prime rib that tastes really good.

    It's OK to feel the way you do. You are being mature about it.

    Buddhists have a phrase for it: "Impermanance" In Buddhist, a core observation is that much sadness in life comes from expecting things to be permanent but nothing is. So, the key to remaining happy is to accept this fact and enjoy what you have while you have it.

    So, enjoy this young man while he is in your life at this moment.
    After all, prime rib is really very very good.

    • If it's any consolation, my father died in March 2003. My mother has been shacking up with another man since Fall 2006 at least.

Most Helpful Girl

  • I’m so sorry for your loss. I think it’s justified to feel guilty over that especially because it’s only been a few months. Love is a very powerful thing. I personally think you are sleeping with people to possibility forget about his death in the moment, it’s like a drug. In the end you don’t really love these men and you can’t replace your husband. I think you should honestly stop sleeping around, and find things to do that will benefit you a little bit more. After this period of times ends, you may feel more and more guilt later on

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What Girls & Guys Said

1 19

  • Sorry for your loss.

    That said, anecdotes. My parents separated when I was young. My reaction then was that they should of course never remarry unless they get back together.
    Growing up I am a little regretful I was not more encouraging towards both of them as I do not want either of them to be alone. They deserve to have someone and whatever happens this year or the next does not invalidate the many years before it.

    Young teenage me would have thought you're a little wrong. Mid 20s me think you are handling it correctly.

    And while I would not presume to speak on behalf of your former husband, were it me I would want a period of grieving (or wild celebrations in my honour!) followed by her actually being happy. Being happy to most of us eventually includes someone to share our life with.

  • Wow. I feel for you. It must be very hard. I am so sorry for your loss.

    Just live your life. The grief, the guilt, the questions will be with you for a time, then it will fade. You will be glad that you got on with your life. Some people heal by moving forward. It helps them. Others really need to grieve and shut down for a long time. You seem to be someone who has an instinct to move forward and get on with life. I don't think that is a bad thing. I would tell you as an outsider looking in, you don't have anything to feel guilty about (in my opinion).

    Your kids are going through their own process, not sure you shutting down and isolating and grieving for a year is going to really help them. They lost their dad, nothing is bringing him back. I wouldn't make the new guy a central figure at this point though, with your kids. You are smart to avoid that.

  • My condolences. It's not betrayal. You're still a young woman, and I'm sure that your late husband would not want you to be alone for the remainder of your life. My own mother is a widow who has been alone for nearly 50 years. Don't let that happen to you.

  • Try not to feel guilty. You are not betraying anyone. I do know how you feel about your husband but you felt that you needed sex, and maybe a companion. You are lucky in a way that you found someone that can satisfy you. Enjoy your time with the new guy. If I got sick and passed, I would want my girl to be happy with someone that she can be with.

  • It's okay, you are just feeling survivor's guilt because your husband died and you didn't. That said, it sounds like you may be using sex as a coping mechanism so be careful.

  • No that can be a very natural thing to do, and many can feel guilty.
    It can very depending on what your relationship was like, or was there a long illness.
    If it keeps you from enjoying yourself, maybe go see someone about it.
    You probably won't ever forget him, but it is healthy to move on with your life.

  • You are going through a terrible ordeal and you found somebody that gives you some comfort. You should not feel guilty.

  • No. The guy is dead. It's unfortunate that that happened, but you aren't married to him anymore.

  • It's fine. Quit beating yourself up. You're never going to forget your husband, this is a new chapter in your life, which has NOTHING to do with him.

  • You lost a lover and friend. Your neighbor is helping to fill that void. It's good that he's willing. I think you feel like having sex so soon after he's gone meant you really didn't love him. Try looking at it this way, you loved him so much that losing him made you feel like a vital part of you was gone. Your neighbor cannot truly fill bv that void, but he's helping make you sense of loss less severe.

  • It’s healthy and normal to move along with your life. I’m sure he would prefer that you are happy with him gone

  • Yes to wrong. No judgement though. Try to slow it down. Try to address underlying issue, as one user said. Don't do it as often. Get life. Once this is over wait for a year to process your feelings. Meditate be a part of the support group. We all have tendency to not process such feelings coz they are very hard to process. They take time. That is healthy way though. This is more of a rebound sex. Slowly increase distance between two sexual encounters.

  • itsa battle of wife/mother with woman, let the woman win and enjoy sex!

  • No, I don't think so. So please don't be hard on yourself.

  • the bible says once the husband or wife die
    they are free to date others

  • It's probably unhealthy like MrOracle said but I sure as hell would want my wife to wait at least a year. I mean damn it takes me 5-6 months to get over a regular relationship. Your husband died and you're already fucking other men.

  • My guess is you have been sexually active since your teens

  • Keep having lots of sex because your husband will watch over you and want you to feel happy and may even be a cuck.

    • oh no i got a dislike from your husband, he's haunting me 😫

  • It is most certainly NOT wrong. It is hard to let go of a loved one, but it is inevitable. and holding on to a memory may not be the healthiest reaction. You mention betrayal and that's probably normal. It is also important that you look after yourself and get on with life. All the best to you.

  • Its been 4 month. Its ok. I am sure he wishes you all the happiness and success. Its been a while. Sorry for your loss.

    • 4 months is not a long time... That's a long time to you? Wtf

    • @PoliteSpeaker yes it is! Everyone grieves different 4 month is a lot the dead is dead tge alive is alive, what’s enough time to grief 10 years? 6 years? Who are you to decide that. Her havingg a partner is not moving on anyway. I am sure she’ll always love abd miss him.

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