Should I be worried about boyfriend’s porn usage (also not having as much sex as I would like)?

[Anonymous]

So I realise this is a pretty bad thing to do.. but I did it out of desperation more than anything else

I feel my boyfriend of 2 years always seems disinterested in sex and doesn’t seem to want to be sexually intimate.

In summary sex life has dwindled to have sex once every 2 weeks which isn’t enough for me. And he often says he is tired from work as the reason. We have discussed this before but things don’t really seem to be changing.

I realise this is an invasion of his privacy and I feel terrible but I found he has been using porn very regularly - and unexpected categories like GILFS/ grannies/ MILF/ older women/ really large women. He is 30. Im the same age and large breasted but not fat.

I think he obviously watches this when I am out but it hurts me that he seems to be able to browse lots of porn but not be sexual with me. I understand that most men watch porn even in relationships, but surely if we are having less sex than I would like this is a problem? He clearly seems happy with sex with me once every couple of weeks because he is satisfying himself in between.

I feel very hurt. I can’t bring this up as I obviously invaded his privacy and have probably made things worse! I thought about casually asking him directly if he watches porn but think he will likely hide it.

[DonkeyDan]

It's definitely a problem when someone is choosing porn over actual sex. I don't really have any suggestions as to how to tackle it, but do you think there is anything you could do to spice things up a bit. Maybe he is just a bit bored and needs a bit more entertaining in the bedroom department.

[Asker]

Well I assume he is using it over actual sex, as I am always keen and the one who gets rejected. And I don’t think guys can physically go 2-weeks without sex. Our sex life is very “vanilla” / standard. That is why I was so shocked to see some of what he watches but I guess it is fantasy. I also wonder whether him watching porn and masturbating is just the “easier” option. But it does upset me.

[DonkeyDan]

Yeah I think you're right to be upset. I wonder if there is more to his lack of interest. How does he seem when you do actually have sex? Does he seem really into it or like it's more of a chore? Does he have any issues getting or staying hard?

[Asker]

When we do have sex - he seems into it. There probably isn’t as much foreplay as there used to be in the early days. No issues with getting or staying hard in general. There was one or two times where he did loose his erection and I did notice after that he didn’t seem as up for having sex (I think because he was worried the same thing might happen). interest. Sometimes it also seems like he is in a rush to finish (sorry if graphic) like we might just stay in one or two positions. I don’t know how is also work related as when we have gone away on breaks we have quite regular sex (eg twice in 3 or 4 days).

[DonkeyDan]

Yeah it's certainly true that stress from work can have an effect on libido but then that wouldn't just affect sex. I'm wondering more if he is having some performance issues and that is why he's turned to pornography. The issue with porn is that you become desensitised the more you watch it, and need to search for more and more extreme imagery. Eventually some people get to a point where very little turns them on.

[Asker]

Exactly if it was just low libido he wouldn’t be using porn. The loss of erection was literally only once or twice but he was very upset and embarrassed by it. And felt very awkward which is understandable. I think our sex life definitely started decreasing after that and also after moving in together. This is what I am worried about. I’ve been reading about porn compulsion and whilst I don’t care about what sort of porn he watches, I’m concerned as I don’t know over how long it has been escalating. And is this someone which will continue/ get worse? Whilst sex isn’t everything we are planning our future together and I’m now so anxious about this

[DonkeyDan]

So if you've spoken to him seriously about his lack of desire to have sex with you what does he say? Has it been a proper sit down discussion or what it more of a conversation as a response to him turning you down?

[DonkeyDan]

Also did you ever discuss the erection thing or did you just leave it? I think that incident might have been a contributing factor to the reduction in sex between you and maybe need talking about.

[Asker]

Thanks.. One thing which I don’t do well is I tend to avoid bringing it up (because when I have in the past he just says we will be more intimate, that he still finds me sexually attractive etc and he thinks I’m making a big deal over nothing). So when I do bring it up it is then at the point of being like 2 weeks since we have had sex and by this time I’m very frustrated and anxious. I realise it isn’t great bringing it up late in the evening/ before bed. Last time I spoke with him - I asked if he still found me sexually attractive and he said ofcourse. I said that I didn’t feel having sex once every 1-2 weeks was enough for me and he said we will try and be more intimate. He also said that he didn’t really see how often we have sex as an issue/ he was happy with the frequency. I was upset about this as I can’t understand how this is enough. Then when I checked his phone it made sense! I also suggested we could do more things in the bedroom which aren’t just sex such as oral/ hand. I definitely don’t bring this up in the best way as it often gets brought up late in the day/ when it has been a while since having sex. And he finds it annoying that I panic and make a big drama out of it. But I want him to understand that it is really affecting me in a big way. Sorry for long post.

[Asker]

We never really discussed the erection thing. I think it was only once, maybe twice and a while ago. He was very embarrassed and defensive and did not want to dwell on it. So I just left it. It didn’t happen again but maybe that is because we aren’t having as frequent sex

[DonkeyDan]

Yeah I can't imagine any man thinking once a fortnight is enough sex, it's usually the other way around. In my relationship at that age I was wanting it about every or every other day, thankfully my then wife was on board with that. I hope you manage to work it out and get the satisfaction that you rightly deserve. Do you "help" yourself out when you're sexually frustrated?

[Asker]

I can’t understand it. I also feel he is replacing sex with me with porn instead. I would happily have sex once every other day if he wanted to! I do but don’t use porn. I need to talk again with him if things don’t change. Do you think I should casually ask him if he watches porn? (Difficulty is if he lies - as I can’t say I have seen the messages). Or if there is anything else he would like to try?

[DonkeyDan]

I would bring up the subject of porn ( not that you know about him watching it already), maybe even suggest watching it together might be an idea. He might even be more open to discussing it. And yes maybe suggest trying new things

[Anonymous]

After the argument about his right to privacy and your reasonable sexual needs you will still have to deal with the addictive nature of porn. It's up there with smoking, drinking, and gambling. His kink for older women is non-negotiable - it's a fixation and extremely unlikely to change or ever be realized. It's his personal fantasy. I wouldn't worry too much about that. The only suggestion I have, and it is out of the blue and comes without a warranty, is that when you do make love, keep it short and sweet. Don't deprive yourself but bear in mind that a woman's sex drive is much stronger and more demanding than any man's. Is it possible that he's intimidated by you?

[Asker]

I can’t tell him I invaded his privacy in this way. My main concern is not so much the kink for older women, it is more that he is using this to replace sex with me. I don’t have a problem with him viewing (any kind of) porn as long as we are still maintaining a sexual relationship rather than him just satisfying himself to these women. It’s fine to have fantasies but not if it is impacting on our sex life. I am worried this has been escalating and is the reason we aren’t having sex and why he seems to have no issue with the frequency of partnered sex. Well when we have sex it usually isn’t for very long anyway. I don’t think he is intimidated by me. But I think he gets abit exasperated whenever I bring up the subject as maybe I have a higher sex drive for partnered sex. Though I don’t think me wanting sex 1 or 2 times per week is demanding.

[Anonymous]

Nothings wrong with watching porn but it becomes a problem when you’re taking a back seat to it. I wish I could say I knew why he’s doing this but I don't know him or his character personally. If you haven’t talked to him about this then you need to. Screw the fact that you found his porn stash, this is a problem and you can’t just like not address it.

[Asker]

Thanks for the reply. I definitely feel we are having less sex than we used to (which is normal in long term relationships) but I have said to him that I would like to have more (say like once or twice a week which I don’t think is crazy!) I don’t know how long he has been watching porn for- doubt it is recent but I only recently found it out of anxiety and desperation. I really can’t tell him I checked his phone as it will completely ruin his trust in me and will make things worse. I think I need to try and find a way of bringing up porn as a general topic.. but I think he all probably just deny it out of embarrassment

[Opinion Owner]

Well I mean, if you don’t think bringing up the porn is a good idea, I respect it, you have to do what feels most comfortable for you. Maybe you and him can compromise, bc wanting sex 1-2 times in seven days is far from crazy or asking too much. If he isn’t down for that the. I would assume there is a bigger issue than he’s letting on.

[Asker]

Yes I think so. Previously I have suggested trying to “schedule” time for it/ have date nights which he was up for. But sometimes this doesn’t materialise because of work/ hours and then it ends up being ages since we have sex. I honestly don’t think he sees the frequency of which we have sex as an issue and doubt he would bring this up if I didn’t. I’m worried he doesn’t even notice because he is using porn. I agree and don’t think it is asking too much at all.. especially because I actually have quite a high sex drive so could have more. What do you think bigger issues might be? I’m worried as we have discussed future/ engagement/ marriage / kids etc. And want to spend our lives together

[AustinMan]

I'd just tell him you want him to forgo the porn until he satisfies you.

[Anpu23]

I wrote an article about this
Why Won't He Have Sex With Me? My Personal Story. ↗
Perhaps that might give you a little insight.

[VikingWarLord]

We are NOT monogamous creatures, we are Polyamorous by 'Default'.

Eventually you lose interest in screwing that same person. It's just the natural way of things. You may like a song now, but listening to it over and over for a few weeks, you'll wanna hear something else. Same with food or drinks or whatever the fuck, the same applies to relationships.

[Asker]

So then why be in a relationship or talk about marriage and a future with just one person?

[VikingWarLord]

Read the book "SEX AT DAWN" by Cacilda Jetha and Christopher Ryan. Your mind will be blown. Or go watch videos with them in it.

[Iron_Man]

Yes It can be a problem

[MrSwisher]

I think you should talk to him about it but subtlety get to the topic, I too struggle with porn and it's very damaging.

[Asker]

Thanks. He has been very defensive in the past when I have brought up sex life and that I would like to have sex more often. He seems to not have any issues with how frequently we have sex. Do you have any tips for how to casually bring it up? Im worried he won’t be open with me about it because he will worry about what I think.

[MrSwisher]

I know a lot of porn users are into some depraved fetishes so it's understandable why he is defensive, he probably feels lots of shame about it if that's the case. I'm also a brash person so subtlety is not something i'm good at. However, I think it's important to know what about that topic makes him tick so he doesn't shut down.

[Pterodon]

Yes you should be

[StephanX]

You should, porn is bad

[superhash]

If he is important. Than try to change his porn category first and then becone the same category pornstar. How you can change that? By watching with him. Its bad but i said if he is importnat then you have to get him back. Otherwise its terrible ahead. Believe me. Coz if he is into like satisfying himself with watching porn and masturbating then try to change his habit by watching with him and them makin him cum every 2nd or 3rd day so you also become his adddiction along with that.

[Anonymous]

porn and sexual interest in partner are not correlated in any way.

Porn is FANTASY just like female mental fantasy.
Sex is completely separate.

He could be stressed, depressed, etc.
You may have done something that turned him off.

There are many reasons we lose interest.