Is it bad that I don’t enjoy having sex with my husband?

Question

Don’t get me wrong, I love him, I find him attractive I thinks he’s awesome.

However I don’t physically enjoy having sex with him. I enjoy the intimacy and the closeness but the physical act in and of it’s self brings me no pleasure.

Is it bad that I don’t enjoy having sex with my husband?

meetkitty123 · Accepted Answer

It is VERY bad. I am so sorry you have to endure this challenging condition. The worst is not having a diagnosis which therefore means no clear way to improve it. I was going to list the causes of painful sex but instead I found this list: Reasons for Painful sex in Women
I have nerve damage due to an injury it does affect sex for me. The injury affected my pelvis spine neck and arms. My muscles may go into spasm and at times it affects the muscles in my vaginal canal I have to take a muscle relaxer and use a special Lube when this happens. Which by the way it is a big misconception that just because you are wet you are well lubricated. No. We need a certain amount of slickness and some women can't produce enough. I can't say what is affecting you but I don't buy that nothing is wrong that Doctors are trying to sell you.
Keep googling your symptoms. You are your best advocate. Sometimes we have to diagnose ourselves. When I was injured down below my ob group had a doctor that was also a sex therapist. It wasn't going to cost me any different because they write it up as a wellness check. Maybe you can find an OB group who has a sex therapist in their group. Though I don't believe the route of your problem is psychological but I have no doubt your physical problem is affecting you emotionally... as my injury affects me.
I wish I could do more to advise you but all I can say is know that you are not alone. Many women have problems with sex but they just aren't always brave enough as you were to speak up.
I myself have two different problems.
1) I no longer enjoy sex with my husband. I advoid it. He has dementia and he doesn't have all his faculties. At best its like trying to have sex with an awkward teenager from an era when their was no tv or internet when "porno" consisted of peaking though keyholes. In other words he just stands there not quite sure what to do or where to place himself. At its worst its painful because he's clumsy rough or can't really gage what he's doing. He has ended up scratching me internally with his nails both vaginally or anally. This has caused infection one time and another rectum bleeding. He has actually been so confused he couldn't find my vaginal entrance. So he be thrusting onto my clit actually hurting me because he's pushing hard on my pelvis which has nerve damage. Or worst he once shove himself at the wrong angle and ended missing my vagina and hurting my rectum causing a slight tear. I bled for weeks. It was quite serious. I just can't get involved with him sexually anymore.
2) My physical injury from the past makes sex challenging in general. My pelvis bone is very sensitive. Too much applied presure causes pain. Where You have problems with penetration I have problems with clit stimulation. Oral sex is actually an annoyance at times and i need penatration to climax. The left side of my lady bits and clit experiences numbness. Some parts near the clit cause ANNOYING tickling and another area cause GREAT pain. There is a small portion of my clit towards the right which will cause pleasure but is hard to find the angle. It takes time to find the right area. If a man isn't mindful of his forehead he might place too much pressure on my pelvis and cause me pain. I feel so inadequate when I see the frustration a lover endures when trying to learn me and trying to please me. I have no problem pleasing myself but being pleasured by another is challenging. Penatration isn't as challenging as long as a man is mindful of not grinding down too hard of my pelvis. But if he penatrates me from an angle coming from left side I actually may not know or feel it.

ChrisMaster69 · Accepted Answer

It’s going to be emotional / mental side of things, which is a bugger to work through.

Do you know when this issue kicked in?

was there something occurring around that time?

Have you looked at moving a lot of the foreplay to outside of the bedroom.

this is working on foreplay being anything that suggests sex, including flirting with each other, sexual comments, etc

This is about building up anticipation by suggestion.

it removes the focus from the bedroom and puts it in to everyday life.

For example, going for a meal out, spend it flirting and teasing each other, building up that ‘I want to feeling’, then when you get home make out in kitchen, living room, dining room etc, have mutual oral in one of those rooms. Making sure it’s as you walk through the door, not after you do the usual stuff when you get home.

Also, assuming you masturbate, what do you think about, what pushes you over the edge?

VikingWarLord · Accepted Answer

This happens in all monogamous relationships, because humans are POLYAMOROUS by "Default".

If I told you that you could only eat one particular food item for the rest of your life and nothing else (say, Pizza), do you think you could do it? What if I said you could only listen to one of your favorite songs for the rest of your life and nothing else could you do it? Or if I told you that you could ONLY drink gatorade and nothing else, etc.. Apply that to relationships, eventually you will want VARIETY. It's a biological imperative inside us that no one can change.

talover · Answer

I'm having a hard time understanding the question. I'm reading too much into this, perhaps, but it is certainly a complicated issue. Do you mean that you don't enjoy sex with your husband but may enjoy sex with someone who is not your husband? If so, then yes, I'd say this is bad. If however, you don't enjoy penetrative sex with anyone, then I would suggest you visit a physician asking about this. Also, a sex therapist may be able to advise both of you on alternate sex acts. For example, do you like receiving oral sex? My wife hated receiving oral sex when we first started having sex. She was a virgin when we married and she found it unappealing. I decided to read a book with her called, She Comes First, by Ian Kerner, a sex therapists. My wife was very intrigued and I learned a lot about proper preparation and technique. That book changed her view of cunnilingus and she loves it now. In fact, it's the only way she experiences orgasms.

Jake99999 · Answer

Its a major problem.

Oigit · Answer

Maybe you two take a trip to a adult store.

Red_Arrow · Answer

You really should consult a therapist. Even if you enjoy clitoral stimulation, couples should enjoy the closeness of intercourse. Pretty sure he misses that! As your husband you should be having a marriage with intercourse in it. A therapist could help you explore your feelings and the reasons and get your marriage better.

MrCommodore · Answer

Its not bad, it is just unfortunate that you aren't getting anything from it other than enjoy the intimacy and closeness. Like the point is for both people to be sexually satisfied, its clear you love your husband and its good you take care of him.

Try to seek help, but before then maybe conduct some experiments yourself to try and figure the basics out, such as are you getting turned on at all or if alone etc.

DonkeyDan · Answer

What other things do you like that bring you pleasure? And does he do those things for you? I think as long as there is a compromise as to both partners getting some satisfaction it can work out.

Mofunfour20 · Answer

He's not the right guy for you then if he likes sex. Be honest about it. Dont string him along knowing that you dont respect the same values as he does (penetration) . He probably is on the verge of saying something if he knows you aren't into it. Turn off for me, unless he's that desperate. Yuck

slatyb · Answer

Yes, that’s bad. Eventually your disinterest will become clear. Do you masturbate, or do you justbhave little desire in general? Is there a possibility you could discuss it with a professional counselor?

Nik1hil · Answer

Yeah.. That's bad.  Do you enjoy Masturbation?

Sam_The_Savage · Answer

It's serious issue. Sex is processed.. It's need to be done in slowly n smoothly.. Most of the guys don't understand this. You can talk to him. What you want in sex. Talk to him.

Andres77 · Answer

Sounds like therapy is needed. Have you tried that?

DiegoO · Answer

Hmmm😕 Do you actually think a healthy man wants a sexless life?

oncpl · Answer

Think of otherside. Man can't wait long. If he is denied of sex from wife or partner, he moves to other girl.

backblueblack22 · Answer

Was it always this way or was it fun in the beginning and then faded fast?

Wise4myage · Answer

That’s never good!

noohair · Answer

Have you ever had pleasure with anyone else? Some women have been trained by their mothers that sex is nothing more that a duty and it is not to be enjoyed. Most men don't have any idea how to please a woman. I don't know where you fit in to this. I would not marry anyone that I did not enjoy the sex with, but I am a guy and guys think differently. Your question lacks some details that might help me and others to give helpful advice.

FreeOhSeven · Answer

Have you talked with a counselor about it? In the past have you been too timid to tell your husband what you really enjoy in bed? A lot of women I have met have been guilty of not communicating in bed and as a result their partner’s have no idea that what they’re doing isn’t enjoyable so they just keep on truckin along.