Should you tell a guy you’re nervous before you have sex for the first time with him or is that weird?

Question

I’m not a virgin but every time I sleep with someone new I get super nervous that I almost don’t want to continue seeing them because it eventually leads to sex and I get so nervous. When I was younger I didn’t care at all but now I’m 27 and it’s crazy how nervous I get. I’ve been seeing someone and I know we will eventually sleep together soon so was wondering if it would be weird if I told him how nervous I am… he’s also 17 years older than me so I’m beyond nervous for a lot of reasons. Please help.

224466881010 · Accepted Answer

I think you should tell them.

When you're that nervous, all sorts of crazy things could happen and the guy might never know why. Ask him to have patience with you. If he's now down, then you have your answer that he's probably not a good partner for you.

You even said you might just can the relationship entirely based on an anxiety that you mentally twist yourself into (unless there are legit reasons to be worried for your safety, then run gurl).

It's also my opinion that it would be nice to get over your anxiety for your own satisfaction.

Idea: What if you both just got calm. I'm talking meditatively calm. Just sit across from each other in silence at first for as long as it takes for you to overcome your anxiety and feel comfortable being in his presence. It might be hard, but just try to chill and take breaks if you feel you're gonna have a panick attack. Your mind probably knows you aren't in danger but your body might not know that and still be freaking out. He is a man after all, and that can be scary. Your body will probably continue to do so until you repeatedly prove to it that you survived that encounter and it might let go of some fear.
Later just work up progressively, like next step is hold eye contact for an extended period until you get comfortable (like 3min or more). Then maybe put a hand on each other's thigh. Take it super slow. Then try cuddling (and only cuddling). Then maybe putting your faces like inches apart. You know the things that make you most nervous. Try just tackling one thing at a time in really small chunks. Thank him for being understanding of he's doing a great job. I don't know if that would work, but if I were dating you I'd try something like that with a lot of patience.

Or maybe just see a professional about it.

ScottStevens · Accepted Answer

It’s a wonderful sign that you are nervous for many good reasons.

1. It says you respect yourself and understand you are giving everything you are to that person. You want them to feel the same and that this one moment of pleasure means so much more to you.

2. wanting to share your most intimate thoughts with the person you are willing to share your body with is a sign you want more than friend with benefits.

3. Thinking the way you do puts you on the path to real adulthood. Being open with your feelings means you want a solid relationship.

I could go on and on. I like that you want to discuss your feelings before you act. He should too!

best wishes

Brown-Kitty · Accepted Answer

It’s perfectly fine to be nervous before every relationship for different reasons regardless if you’re virgin or not. So, it’s okay to tell him how you really feel and whether you are ready or not when that moment comes. Sex is about communication too not just physical activity. Also if you don’t feel like it or ready any time soon be honest and clear about it because it’s better than ruining the moment for both of you.

readyplayer001 · Accepted Answer

communication is way more important then sex, if you cannot communicate with a person, sleeping with them shouldn't even be on the radar. its never weird you feel how you feel and anyone who cares would wanna know that

PenkWing · Answer

I would appreciate being told. To be fair, most people are nervous when having sex with someone the first time, so it’s a safe assumption to make. If you feel it’s even more than what people would expect, then saying it would help both you and your partner.

What’s the worst that can happen? I can imagine being intimate with someone who doesn’t care if I get nervous. If he doesn’t react well (which is unlikely) you would have found a huge red flag and I would recommend running away.

DizzyDesii · Answer

he's about to take your virginity. Now is the time. Its absolutely necessary and not weird

MTC29 · Answer

If the guy is 17 year your senior (age 45) then he's likely as nervous about being with you than you are with him. In short, ignore it.

nachosaresexy · Answer

Do you have anxiety in other aspects of life? Might be worth talking to a doc about. There's low dosage meds that can make a huge difference.

But back to your specific question, I think it's totally normal to discuss *things* before having sex with someone new. You don't have to frame it as "omg I'm so nervous that the thought of us having sex is SCARY" ... just keep it more low key, let him know how slow/fast you'd like to take things with the intimacy stuff. Does it help at all if you do other physical stuff without sex for a while, to get comfortable physically with a new person before going all the way to sexy town?

ZDoes · Answer

This is a great moment in a new relationship, a true opportunity to connect and foster intimacy. Why? Simple. You're both nervous even if he's to cool to admit it and she's trying to maintain sexy and sofisticated. Truth is her inner slut is screaming for release and permission to just let go and he's hoping to hell everything works and he doesn't disappoint or say something stupid that causes her to put the breaks on immediately.
Honesty about being nervous makes everyone less so. Because we all are in that moment. All of us. It's part of what makes new and different so damn delicious.

whirled_up_girl · Answer

I was always a little nervous with a new guy, it was a new relationship and every person's sexual technique is different. Lucky for me, all the guys I've been with have been mature and liked to talk about sex before we jumped into bed together!

NicoletteXO · Answer

So... could you explain what exactly is making you nervous?

midnightmoon05 · Answer

You okay when the kid is 15 having a 60 yr. dad?

If you are only having sex... he will be okay regardless of what you tell him.
You being nervous... tell him. If he have been around women, he will help you out if he loves you.
More importantly, communicate about if when you two have a kid... what will the future be like for you 3.

ohshee · Answer

Okay so first of all why do you get nervous. Are you afraid that you're going to like it. Or are you afraid that you're not a good lover. Or are you afraid that you're going to fall in love.
I like your question because as I read it I felt this anxiety but at the same time I can feel your energy is so deep is that what it is is that you feel energy and that feeling that you feel is just the most beautiful overwhelming feeling you've ever felt

ArrowheadSW · Answer

I would tell him that you tend to get nervous. He should be understanding. And talking about it up front might ease up some of the nervous tension. I had a tendency to be that way in my mid-twenties.

dustybiker · Answer

I wouldn’t sleep with someone I couldn’t communicate with on the most basic level.

Toldol2 · Answer

Tell him but usually they feel it and become gentle. Don’t pretend

_Angelsbaskett · Answer

It should not be weird

DonkeyDan · Answer

Yes I think that is a good idea, if anyone told me they were nervous I would take things a bit slower and make sure she it ok with moving on with each step. Try to do what I can to put her at ease so she has a good time.

Ninani · Answer

Of course you should tell him, your feelings are completely valid.

Mofunfour20 · Answer

I wouldn't try to sleep with someone thats nervous. Better to wait and build more sexual tension

Sarahr123 · Answer

Why are people so scared to express themselves? Just tell the guy that. Anyway why are you so nervous about it if you are experienced I mean are you scared that you’ll have to live up to his expectations?