Why exactly does a person’s number of previous sexual partners seem to matter to so many people?

[loves2learn]

I don’t get it. If you are both clean and have good sexual chemistry, why does it matter how many partners? I understand maybe asking how many long term relationships or how many times they cheated. But to me # partners really isn’t relevant unless one is a virgin.

[t-8900]

It's more of a psychological thing then a judgement on the woman herself for me. To me it's kind of like you're also having sex with and kissing the people she's been with. Also there are studies that show women with a lot of sex partners are much more likely to divorce or cheat behind their partners back. Not to mention the shame it brings a man when people around him talk and he hears it. It might not be as big of a thing for women but Pride, Honor, and Integrity are core to a man's entire life. In many ways every bit as important as love. When a man feels shame it can be so bad that he takes his own life or becomes a recluse. I've had 2 sexual partners in my life, one not by choice and the other who took advantage of a broken spirit. Under my right senses I would have waited till I was married. I applaud those who did because the struggle is REAL. And even if you aren't religious you can respect someone's dedication and willpower to remain on that path.

[loves2learn]

If one was not by choice that sounds non consensual and would be rape, not sex

[t-8900]

well it was intercourse but my 2nd grade teacher was raping me everyday after school throughout the year

[loves2learn]

That is not intercourse. Does not count. I am really sorry that happened to you. I would absolutely lose my shit if that happened to one of my sons. Shit, my oldest is in 4th grade and still has the body of a little boy.

[t-8900]

yep people are sick. dont understand it either because she was actually a beautiful 24 year old woman out of college. pedos are just messed up people

[loves2learn]

Some of the most depraved of our society. Smh.

[Nightroads]

It's never mattered to be. I was my first wife's 60th something partner to my current wife's second. If you really love them why should it matter. As long as everyone is clean.

[MrOracle]

It actually is relevant. Here's why:

We know that men and women are different, and that one way that we're different is that men can want (and have, and enjoy) casual sex, while most women can't. That's because most women will bond with any man she's sleeping with, even if she doesn't want to and even if she's trying not to. That's just how female biology works.

But that's a problem for women who have a lot of partners, because every time she bonds to someone, and then they break up/end things, that bond is broken, and each time that happens, the bond grows weaker. The more partners, the weaker the bonding ability until eventually her ability to pair-bond is completely gone, and she won't have patience or tolerance for anything in a relationship, and won't be able to keep one together for very long. I'm sure you've known women like this - I definitely have - and it's sad, but very real.

Exceptions always exist, of course, and some women's pair-bonding ability is destroyed by trauma/abuse growing up, before she ever starts dating - these are the girls who tend to have a lot of casual sex and who think sex is "no big deal." Many of these women are attracted to sex work of one kind or another (including OF) for the same reason.

The reason this is different for men is that men's pair-bonding isn't based on sex, but on falling in love. Unlike (most) women, (most) men can have sex without having any romantic feelings for the girl, because we can separate sex from love in a way that women just can't. And we bond when we fall in love - sex alone does NOT make us bond like it does for women.

Knowing this, it should be obvious why this is a big deal for men, and not so much for women. If a woman is no longer able to pair-bond, then there's little hope of a long-term relationship being successful. And we know who loses when a long-term relationship ends: overwhelmingly the man. But men are pretty good at evaluating risk, and especially over the last 10 years or so, more and more men are realizing that they NEED to evaluate the risks of a relationship before they commit to one - and now that so many men are doing that, they're realizing that a lot of women are a bad risk.

That's unfortunate, because that's bad for both men and women. But it's the reality we face today.

[PenkWing]

Is it more that you don’t understand it, or that you don’t agree with the underlying motivations? Myself, I know just enough about culture to kind of understand the reasoning for this kind of concerns. And I assume that you also want to provoke some thought around the matter, which is always a good idea.

I personally don’t know what to do with the information about the number of partners someone’s had. Even if the number is zero, it doesn’t mean they are entirely sexually inexperienced, because experience come from many sources. At some point during my teen years, while I hadn’t had sex with anyone, I knew more about sex than many of my peers. That kind of knowledge was quite valuable. And if someone has had a statistically large number of partners for their age, it still doesn’t mean they are particularly experienced. It might tell something about their relationship style, at least at some point of their life, but it’s still not quite informative or useful to know.

My understanding on why people care comes down to a few points. One is some misguided ideal of purity: there is this notion that sex corrupts you, and sex with multiple partners feels like an out-of-control force, contrasted to an ideal of chastity and… monogamy. Which is the other point: people still take the idea of bonding in a couple to an extreme where everything should be exclusive to that couple. Any desire, act, or thought that violates the monogamy norm suggests lack of moral integrity (see the connection with purity, as this is very connected to a Christian notion of morality as virtue; other cultures have similar tropes). The third major point is ignorance of how desire and sexuality actually work in humans. For all these points, it seems to me that women tend to get the worst judgment, as they are supposed to be pure, coy bastions of monogamy with no desire. Historically, controlling women’s behaviors and bodies is the root of this culture. Not to say that men, especially young men these days, don’t get a degree of moral judgment for being promiscuous. They do, but they might get a free pass as masculine desire is interpreted to be naturally more promiscuous (it’s not), and because having frequent success with partners is seen as a sign of prowess, and therefore a potential value.

[CrazyGirl2]

I honestly have no idea why it matters. (As long as it’s a relatively average number) if a 20yo guy has been with like 20, 30, or even 50 or more women, that tells me he’s just a fuck-boy! I’m not interested in either fuck-boys, or in JUST being # 21, 31, OR 51!

[vald9inches]

Is that the only sign you look for? What if they just believe in open relationships or are part of some local fetish and kink group?

[vald9inches]

Or they are just more open minded in general

[CrazyGirl2]

@vald9inches No, I’m actually very careful about whom I share my bed and my body with. However, ALL of the things you mentioned: open relationships, Fetish groups, and kink groups, would absolutely guarantee that I NEVER sleep with a guy! FFS I’m only 18 years old!

[vald9inches]

I am just saying that they wouldn't necessarily be fuck boys if they had a high body count lol

[CrazyGirl2]

@vald9inches Okay, and I absolutely thank you for your opinion, but ALL of the things you mentioned, are things which I would consider “fuck-boy” behavior. And given that of the two of us, I’m the one with the vagina, as-well-as the one whose entire circle of friends also have vaginas. I think I would have a fairly good grasp on what WE consider “Fuck Boys”. To us, its not JUST a guy who “cums and ghosts you”! Any guy who would join a swinger, fetish, or kink club, is doing so to get laid w/o any long-term commitment whatsoever! Now, while I completely understand that you may disagree with me, and have you own opinion (which you are 100% entitled to). As a modern woman, I too have my own opinion (and am just as entitled to it as you)! To me, the type of guy that would go to kink clubs, fetish clubs, swingers clubs etc…. Is simply not relationship material in my opinion. And that’s perfectly okay… nobody is forcing you to conform to my ideals, because you are not sleeping with me! So have all the fun you like. I’m simply telling you that everyone I know, and most of the REAL pink accounts here. Would probably not be okay with a body-count that is over 50. It just doesn’t say “I’ll be 100 percent faithful, you can trust me!” I’m also aware that many REAL pink accounts are into that and would be totally okay with it. We live in a great big world, and there is always someone out there for just about everyone! All I’m saying is that behavior is not something which I would find either attractive OR acceptable in a guy whom I was interested in dating and getting to know better. But I do sincerely thank you for the explanation. 🙏

[vald9inches]

Np beautiful and of course you are entitled to your opinion I never suggested otherwise but from my understanding your fuck boy definition is not the universally accepted one in which a fuck boy emotionally manipulates women to have sex with them and makes them think he will commit but does not. So I just thought its not fair to other men and women who are more mature than that and are upfront with what they want from you and do not waste other people's time that's all. You are free to make your own definitions if that is more useful to you and your female friends but don't be surprised if other people try to correct you that's all lol

[CrazyGirl2]

@vald9inches Thanks for your reply. Perhaps a male point of view would be more helpful to you. @MrOracle (right below this on my screen) has a good explanation. You guys are able to separate sex from the bonding of a relationship… we aren’t. Unless due to an untreated trauma, or repeatedly being cheated on, which causes that bonding instinct to diminish. Although I was raped on my 13th birthday, I was blessed to have received the best therapy money could buy. Thus, I have worked through that trauma. So to me, the idea of being with a man who thinks so little of the importance that I place on being within a strong relationship before sex, is just anathema to my values, and ideals. Again, every adult is free to pursue whatever type of relationship that makes them happy. Whether that is growing together within the close bonds of a relationship, THEN engaging in sex, or if that pursuit is just getting as much meaningless sex with as many nameless, faceless people as possible! That is entirely up to each person AS an individual! However, I simply have certain standards that TO ME (as well as my friends) means that any man who disregards the importance I place on the relationship FIRST, then the sex, simply is not compatible with my ideals. It’s not a criticism, and I’m certainly not judging anyone. I was just letting you know how most women feel. And I am fully aware that many women do not feel this way, but for a woman to not care about the relationship… there is usually some kind of deep seated trauma that has not been resolved. But again, don’t take my word for it… re-read the post by @MrOracle He seems to get it, and expresses it better than I ever could. Good look sweetie, truly.

[DizzyDesii]

Like i told the last person… The past is what makes you. We all have our own opinions. Some guys may not like that I had phone sex with a lot of dudes. I didn't share nudes but i did mentally stimulate someone. So if that makes me a mental hoe, i’ll own that shit. A lot dont respect that. And yes, i dont respect a physical hoe. If a guy dicks down anything that throws itself at him, he's not for me. I want someone who only has physical sex within a longterm relationship and when they’re in love. I also dont want him to have sexed or eaten out more than one person in a year. If he's had more than 5 sexual partners, then i do not want him. Anything more than 3 is honestly too much but I’m trying to be nice here. I’d take a virgin over a hoe anyday. And if he's ever gotten sexual with a guy, he will automatically be deemed gay in my eyes. Idgaf if it was “just experimenting”. I do not want to date him

[DizzyDesii]

May sound weird but i still act like the virgin if i have sex with someone, regardless of if theyre the virgin or not because its still my first time with them. My ex watched a lot of porn so he didn't seem like a virgin but he did freakout cause he didn't wanna have sex before marriage

[loves2learn]

Awwww. That’s nice.

[DizzyDesii]

Nah. He made me feel like trash for helping him “break God’s law.” But like dude you climbed on top of me 🤷‍♀️

[InventorofWarp]

So wait, a guy who's touched another man is automatically gay in your eyes? Kind of narrow and obtuse on that one, no?

[DizzyDesii]

@InventorofWarp if you jerked off another guy or did anything sexual with him, then you are not straight enough for me

[InventorofWarp]

There are 3 levels of virgins: 1: The ones who are extremely religious and waiting for marriage. I am not one of these. 2: The ones who are not remotely religious and do not have their own "moral" code and are actually unable to get laid despite effort but would happily fuck anything if offered. 3: The men like me who are neither but are still virgins out of their own personal code of integrity and their own reasons for their views on love unrelated to either marriage or an "inability". I've had plenty of casual offers, never taken any up. I've had a few long-term relationships (though none past six months) that have never included sex (though I've engaged in oral) and my last kiss was a decade ago. I'm also serially single the past couple years and happily working on me. What you want to look for is that last one. I'd 100% be in puppy dog love and would have some level of a mental morality hurdle to get over after I lose it but nothing major. Not like "breaking God's commandments". I actually do consider myself religious. But my celibacy has zero influence from religion.

[InventorofWarp]

Understood. I am not straight enough for you.

[InventorofWarp]

@dizzydesii It's also definitely thought patterns like that why so many men I meet, straight or no, seem to have problems with their own sexuality. You have no idea how many of my friends are always shocked to hear that I've made out with a man before and done some quite heavy petting and would 100% go further. I consider myself romantically heterosexual.

[DizzyDesii]

@InventorofWarp i usually go for a mix of 1 and 3. Outside of a longterm relationship, I am celibate but even with all my relationships, I was only in love with 2 enough to take that step to actually have sex. Even though i dont consider your actions straight, many girls still do. Im just very strict on that

[InventorofWarp]

Actually most people I talk about it with immediately ask me if I'm bisexual. I consider myself heterosexual since romantically I'm only interested in women and sexually I intend for my first to be my love and my only and don't plan on having any other women besides her or loving another. Having said that, I consider men and women quite sexually separate and while I'd never fall for or fuck another woman aside my paramour I think even if I had permission, I would 100% whore myself around with other men if she gave me free reign. I've met plenty of women who only have sex in committed long-term relationships. Some of them have still had sex with well over a couple dozen men. Either way, it's not like it really matters to me. Casual sex, committed sex, plenty of sex, no sex. Who gives a fuck as long as she likes my number?

[Lliam]

It doesn't matter to me. I expect a mentally healthy person to have had previous partners. The only thing that would put me off would be if she was into one night stands and had fucked lots of guys she didn't even know. I prefer women who believe in monogamous relationships. But I don't care how many of those they have been in or how long any of them lasted.
Beyond that, I like women who are familiar with their bodies and love sex with men.

I'll add that I never have and never would never ask a woman's "body count". I have a low opinion of guys who would.

[InventorofWarp]

Why a low opinion? I wouldn't ask it but I'd also expect the same openness about past relationships as I'm willing to give. I think that's fair. I think that's kind of information that you should just kind of offer up if you really feel that connected to someone.

[OlderAndWiser]

If I am looking for a partner for a LTR, I don't want to have just a casual roll in the hay with my partner. I want to know that a sexual relationship is part of a loving, committed relationship. The higher my partner's number is, the more likely it is that she is interested in a casual relationship rather than a forever relationship. Of course, there are exceptions to this rule. For a more detailed explanation:

Is Your Partner’s “Number” Relevant? ↗

[lilyanony1]

I have always been very feminine, unfortunately that makes guys think I'm either in a relationship or sleeping around..
My first experience he thought I wasn't a virgin and as you can imagine as it goes on its not stopped.
Guys disrespect me for being "too good"

Unfortunately that means even if I waited 6 months before sex I still have to end it fairly soon after. Because like most guys here have said guys can separate sex from love. If they're committed enough they'll do all they need to get you into bed but then they act the fool.

My number is my number I've not kept a log. It's definitely not over than 20 and I know I didn't sleep with every guy I dated.

If a guy asks me I would straight up tell him the truth. We could work it out together.
I'm not ashamed.

I didn't have a good male role model or very many friends growing up so I fell hook line and sinker for a guy I thought was being nice. Especially as although I've dated a few I was always the single friend. I won't lie I felt pressured into dating some of these guys simply because I was lonely and didn't want to look like a loser to the people I was slowly making friends with.

I'm older and more cautious, maybe even dating phobic.
Maybe when the right one comes all my fear will disappear.

[loves2learn]

I am sorry you have had dating struggles. Thank you for sharing them.

[lilyanony1]

That's OK. I just seem to be a life long misfit.

[Cryptoanonne]

Lol because it makes people seem extremely less likely to go steady and be faithful, and tbh most guys see it slutty and unattractive

[MrCommodore]

I think it's maybe a subconcious way of determining whether a girl will make a good wife or mother of your children (For some guys, not all).

Women are normally viewed as more mature or sensible than men, particularly in their teens and 20's, so the assumption is that such Women are more selective about who they hook up with or date/sleep with.

So if a girl has slept with a really large number of guys, it could be perceived that she is unstable or not a person who will be suited to settling down and having a family.

[loves2learn]

Wouldn’t it be more relevant if she had a bunch of flings or cheated?

[MrCommodore]

Yes those are relevant too, in fact they probably play into the psychology of it. I think its to do with the male perception (Only some guys) that girls are more selective, don't put out easily etc. So if a woman has slept with a large number of men, it raises alarm bells, as the guy might wonder if she has the temperament to settle, the fear being thst she might get bored after 2-3 years and cheat and have flings, eventually leading to a broken home. I know a guy who dumped a girl he was crazy about years after she disclosed her sexual history, and he later said that was going through his mind.

[loves2learn]

Awwww. That makes me sad he dumped her for that if she hadn’t done him wrong.

[MrCommodore]

Yeah I agree, she was a lovely girl, I was a bit shocked he dumped her, like its very extreme.

[InventorofWarp]

"unless one is a virgin".
Alright, gonna need that one elaborated on a whole lot more.

For me personally? It matters because I dreamt as a boy of being "pure" for someone and being able to give her everything including one of my most important experiences so she could know she's the only one for me. That matters for me. That's important for me. I don't just want to be a notch on someone's belt or another story of an ex someone tells their next lover in line. I want the same amount of effort, patience and understanding and someone who treats it with the same level of care and weight as I do.
It's an act of passion and love, same as I see for my music.

In a strange kind of dichotomy I'd also feel just as insecure as I would with someone with many previous partners as I would a lot more secure with them since at least she'd know what to do.

[loves2learn]

I mean if a female is a virgin he’a gonna want to take it slow and be gentle and check in on her. If the male is a virgin they can talk about it but if she is not he might be more comfortable with her taking the reigns the first time. I mean for comfort reasons.

[InventorofWarp]

I'm not sure which sounds better: Me being insanely nervous and shy and her taking the lead the first time. Or me pulling a Jacob Jankowski from Water For Elephants (yes, Robert Pattinson's character is a 24-year-old virgin throughout the film) where after spending so much time getting used to each other and feeling like we know and understand each other and kind of see ourselves in each other and falling in love we finally just dive into it and I fully jump in ontop of her and all as the dominant partner and being kinda spontaneous. Not gonna lie, that second one is a little more enjoyable to me. Especially since, as the more experienced and likely older partner, she'll still be dominant to me and holding the greater power in a way no matter what even if I'm ontop of her or have her bent over and at the mercy of my firm but gentle touch. I've never really had anything either: Never fingered a girl, never gotten oral, never fondled or made out heavy with a girl. I've had my first kiss. And I've given head. That's it. And even both of those I wouldn't really describe as pleasant experiences 100%. At least, definitely not my first kiss. So, I don't know, maybe just kinda let it happen naturally and then when it's finally right just jump in like that and then AFTER that have all the wonderful side menu options.

[loves2learn]

Yes! The second does sound lovely! :) And it is what I had. It is very special. It’s just not everyone’s story ya know?

[InventorofWarp]

No, but men are "supposed" to be confident. Otherwise, they're not men, they're just boys. That's a major reason as to why I never had a girlfriend in hs or through Uni and felt somewhat embittered by it. Like being a decent, kind person isn't enough. But as I find my confidence in my mid-20s I think I'm less negative towards that notion and more recognizing of the entitled thinking that it comes off as believing that you shouldn't have to prove yourself to anyone for love or to be a man. You should, but only insofar as you need to. And you can be both confident and shy at the same time. And you be both confident and dominant and still the submissive and less powerful partner at the same time. Let's face it, I'm attracted to women 35 and up, so no matter what she'll likely have years of sexual and life experience on me making her just by default more powerful than me even if I am the physically more powerful, imposing and dominant partner. I kinda like that idea. And the idea of being dominant and confident with her my first time even if I'm still really shy. I've come to learn I just never found the right woman to find my confidence with.

[loves2learn]

Nah. Maybe the stereotypical male. But not all men are confident.

[InventorofWarp]

Yeah, I know, I exist.

[ohshee]

Bingo👍👍👍👍👍👍👍👍👍
And I say if they can't handle the truth then fuck them anyway because all they're going to do is wine for the rest of your relationship

[Berethor]

Even if she don't have STDs, I still want to know how much of a hoe she is.

[AndyOh]

I really don't care how many partners my partner has had. I care about how they will treat me in bed, if they don't have a lot of experience I am happy to teach them, or they can teach me.
Numbers don't matter, quality does.

[DonkeyDan]

I don't understand it either and it doesn't matter to me, I'd be a bit of a hypocrite if it did.

[Ninani]

Because they are insecure.

[jshm2]

Because if she's so easily unlocked, then you know she's a side piece, and you can't make a wife out of a whore.

But if he's able to unlock a lot of women, then you know he's a master, and you can't find a better player than a master.

Hence it's not looks or bodycount alone that make for fruitful relationships.

[Miristheiss]

When I was young. I wanted to grow up, fall in love and get married.

I have always been drawn to women who wanted to grow up, fall and love and get married.

I am just naturally repulsed by the women who wanted to grow up (at 15), go out drinking, partying, have a bunch of loose, one night stands, flings, casual sex with lots of people... and then one day decide... ok, I've had my fun, now I'll marry. I wouldn't touch her with a 10 pole. Sex for me was always permanent. You didn't just decide to one day be committed to one person and live a faithful, relationship life and all of the slutting around just goes away. It was permanent. Once someone swims in those waters and exposes himself or herself to that... they are tainted for life. You can give it up and never do it again ever... it doesn't matter... you did it... those waters and those things are still all over you and will never go away.

Such a person was always just a life long deal breaker. You can't bond that graphically and intimately with 20 other people and then so I'm special or think you are supposed to be special to me. The person I want to make my girl for life.

To me it is low character, sleazy character to ever dabble in that lifestyle to begin with. There is no going back for me. You dabble in that slutty, sleep around, casual sex lifestyle... that is a lifetime choice. You'd never be my long term girlfriend or wife. That is permanent. You can't "undo" it. Even if you realize you hated it and wish you hadn't dabbled in that... you felt dirty and used and hollow and you never want to do it again. Too late for me. The line was crossed, and they'd always be a "never marry" type of person for life. It can never be undone.

Anyway my wife was actually a virgin. I am of the opinions that those that sleep around should just date others that sleep around and each can slut around and have 30 partners or more... have their threesomes, have their one night stands and they can settle down together if they want when they are 35. Those who aren't that way should date among themselves. Birds of a feather flock together.

[loves2learn]

My husband and I were virgins when we had sex too. But I have nothing against non virgins or multiple partners. That is just how my life turned out.

[Celtero]

It's generally a good predictor of how the relationships will go. Higher N-count women are statistically more likely to become displeased with the relationship or cheat. I think it's a more profound commitment to wait for one person that you want to be with for your whole life. I'm also plenty insecure, and never want to think of or deal with her previous partners and how I might compare. That, and I think it'd be special to discover sex together. Just less baggage overall and more wholesome.

Sex is a defining trait of intimate romantic relationships. If you've fucked everyone you could, how is that still intimate? It isn't, and that's a romantic relationship without intimacy. You might as well be roommates and fuck whomever you want.

[Tiptoetamm]

I have no idea honestly I don't care everyone has shit they've done whether that want to admit it or not

[HighValue]

More partners equals less capable of successful pair bonding. It is statistically proven. That goes for both men and women.
Plus sex is supposed to be part of a unique special bond between two people. If they did it with many people it isn't special and their partner won't feel a special and unique emotional connection to them.
Only promiscuous people make excuses and want a bad past to be accepted, but good people have no legitimate reason to accept that kind of partner.