Was I raped? taken advantage of? How do I forgive myself and move on?

[Anonymous]

Ok so a hookup from years ago just resurfaced in my mind. Basically this was the second guy I had sex with and the guy went in bone dry and it hurt and I bled. one moment i was like stop then he asked a bit later if he should keep going and I was like yeah whatever. (I had little experience so I believed him when he said I didn't need to be excited and i was just tight, he also thought I was still a virgin or part of the hymen was still there). I always took it as I fucked someone I didn't like much just to get attention and feel wanted and it was just a bad hookup. But after I went to my gyno and she asked me this because she said I had vaginal trauma, and I was like nah. I've changed, but I cringe at the couple of hookups (deceived hookups as well) I had because I had really low-self esteem and was desperate for attention and a relationship. This has bubbled back up and I'm getting some anxiety thinking about this.. so what are your thoughts?
*when I say deceived I mean = the guy said he wanted a relationship then ghosted, like the guy i lost my virginity to for example. my sis once said that's rape by deception, but I mostly cringe at having been so naive in regards to that experience as well.

Thoughts? advice?

[SnakeBoop]

Eww for him being a twat "you don't need to be excited". thats gross, and probably his excuse when any sex partners go bone dry from his useless-ness.
This does not read like rape. Taken advantage with him saying that and you believing him? sure. But I wouldn't say rape. While you did not fully want to continue, you still voiced your agreement for it to continue.

Also a dude ghosting you and you regretting having sex because you expected/assumed you'd get a relationship is NOT RAPE. Your sister is encouraging a toxic rape culture that gets men falsely accused by bitter biatches...
But you are absolutely allowed to regret what happened, and take from that the lesson that NO SEX EVER has to have you in pain or uncomfortable.

[SnakeBoop]

I'm also not surprised the gyno would say you had vaginal trauma from the experience you listed above. But again, that was merely a lack of understanding of how sex works, and trusting the wrong and also under-educated dude. It may be worth seeing a therapist just to talk it through to help you move on if you think that would help. But otherwise, its more a case of exploring your body/what you like and dislike to help turn you on in any further examples- having lube and such on standby if you do want to continue but there's issues. Plus explore and learn through places like Mama Doctor Jones on youtube and such about your body and sex. Anything sex related, hell, just general vagina related! And continue to learn. :) Good luck girl, and my dms are always open if you need them.

[Asker]

Thanks, I've been having a hard time sorting through this. And really really confused.

[SnakeBoop]

I completely get where you're coming from, and its a very confusing type of grey area. Especially with having relatives such as your sister embracing and encouraging an incorrect idea of "oh you regret it after? that means it was rape" when it very VERY clearly wouldn't be.

[Asker]

I've also been hit on by guys strongly and in public and some are say/act like I'm put off by it because I'm traumatized and that has messed with my head. I'm very introverted but I've also been groped/attempted grope as a kid, so maybe it's from that but some guys will come out with "oh you were raped, sorry".

[Effably]

Dude was an arse and one you are better off avoiding. Being a prick and bad in bed doesn't equal rape though.
Can absolutely argue the taken advantage of bit, but that requires believing he actually had a clue which I doubt he did and even if so it isn't illegal or any more deceitful than say, sleeping with someone for validation rather than genuine affection.

You did nothing wrong. There is nothing to forgive. A fact which might be tricky to accept but one you should accept all the same.

[Asker]

How do I accept it? any advice on that? because I really really cringe at how desperate for male validation and attention I used to be, I feel so gross. It's giving me a lot of anxiety. I've also only changed because I figured out I was doing it in part due to daddy issues.

[Anonymous]

That guys was an asshole for sure, but what he did wasn't really rape.

I'm sorry that happened to you. You didn't do anything wrong and shouldn't feel anxiety about it. I hope you can get past it and have some peace of mind.

[Asker]

i hope so too, just trying to make sense of it all but don't want to talk to people IRL

[GrahamWest]

No, it's not rape. Just a bad hook up as You said it.