Is it normal to not be able to climax with your spouse?

Question

bodiesands · Accepted Answer

Historically, I think women's needs were probably disregarded in this area, as in so many others.

I imagine that men pretty much always managed to get their rocks off, especially when the woman couldn't legally refuse (once married, as is still the case in e. g. Pakistan), but that whether a woman did too was seen as utterly unimportant.

The fact that you're here asking at all is therefore a result of your living in the modern feminist age - in order to see yourself as able to ask this question at all, never mind as able to expect a fair answer. Thank God you are, thank God you do, thank God you can expect those things. But the answers you get, from your partner or us strangers, may still have some residue of the old ways. So yes, I think you can and should expect to be able to come, but whether he agrees I cannot say.

All of this may be missing the point though, and he may be already on board, and you may just not be able to get there despite both of your best efforts. In which case, there may be some valid questions which are somewhat more subtle. Are you happy in the relationship? Are you attracted to your partner? Are there blocks of some description where you can't let go with him?

These questions, again, would not have been able to be asked historically. Happiness was often seen as neither here nor there, attraction was often thought to inevitably fade, and emotional blocks were often unheard of. Marriage was often seen as a more practical arrangement, for the sake of stability and family, as opposed to the source of much of life's satisfaction as it sometimes is now.

So back in the day, not just because of patriarchy, but also because of a broader view on what is important in life (which includes companionship, and kids, and financial stability), the answer may have been that this does not matter. Which doesn't make that true. It just gives some context. What you decide matters to you is what matters to you (personally, I see it as important to me). So you should see a sex therapist if you're feeling stuck.

I'll finish with a cautionary tale, which maybe goes against much of what I've said above. I was once with a girl I wasn't attracted to, having lied to myself and gotten with her despite knowing this in advance - partly because it was easy, partly because I didn't want the emotional risk of someone I actually cared to lose. I didn't have a problem getting hard or cumming (which in retrospect, I find somewhat disturbing). But nine months later, it was beginning to tear me apart at the seams. I was lying to myself constantly, and as a friend said, it sounded like I was actually raping myself (strong word, I know, but accurate). If I hadn't left, I may actually have gone properly insane - it seems I really am that good at being stubborn and trying to prove a point. The point that I was trying to prove to myself being that attraction didn't matter, because it anyway fades in the end. I failed to prove this to myself, and almost lost my mind in the process. Just some food for thought.

ChrisMaster69 · Accepted Answer

I would say no it’s not normal.

There are a multitude of reasons why not and both genders can have this.

For women it can be lack foreplay, stimulation prior to sex.

for both it can be stress, emotional issues, alcohol, drugs, etc.

I’ve had it before where just not been able to cum, remained hard forever and a day, just unable to cum.

Then there is the entire, Asexual, Demisexual side of things where we can find ourselves suddenly sitting.

link below for NHS info on it.

https://www.nhs.uk/common-health-questions/sexual-health/what-can-cause-orgasm-problems-in-women/

https://www.imperial.nhs.uk/~/media/website/gps-and-referrers/gp-documents/gp-professional-development/sexual-health-june-2018/female-sexual-function-dr-ali-mears.pdf?la=en

With guys it’s usually erectile side of things.

snowgirl123 · Accepted Answer

depends. mostly women do get orgasms because their men don't care about them as much as they should. maybe they are body conscious and feel ashamed for the way they look. something they have in their mind that does not let them focus. sometimes they're tired and they're there juts to avoid fighting.

but mostly women will not have orgasms when men do not take the time to please them, some girls just take a really long time to climax, some guys do not have experience.

GoldenCage · Accepted Answer

From your other answers the only thing left to explore is visiting a doctor.

It might be as a result of previous sexual truama as well. even before you meet him.

It is not a question of normality. Try to treat it or accept it.

LingyRolls · Answer

It's not normal at all. Has it always been like that or is this a new developement? Had something changed, such as his level of effort?

nachosaresexy · Answer

Being a guy I can't directly relate, but it does seem fairly normal. With time & patience hopefully it'll change... ask him to spend more time on oral and help him learn what feels best for you.

kqueen · Answer

Normal? sadly yes, it's pretty standard for women. Doesn't mean that there isn't something wrong with that tho

OlderAndWiser · Answer

It has not been normal in my relationships.

TheorionMage · Answer

FEW 'climax' simultaneously BUT... if you mean 'never' their foreplay game needs worked upon~

Red_Arrow · Answer

If you mean that you cannot climax when having sex with your spouse, that is not normal. Most couples learn how to satisfy their partners, so you shoul usually be able to climax with him.
If you mean at the same time, people have different progressions to climax and having it at the same time with your partner needs to have both be careful to not get too far ahead of the other (or behind). Communicate your desires and excitement during sex and you should be able to reach climax at very close to the same time.

ohshee · Answer

I don't think it's normal I think you should be able to do it easier than anybody else LOL maybe there's a mental block of some sort subconsciously

summiter · Answer

Subaru... we all are different. I know my wife does not orgasm every time but she still enjoys the sex. Oral sex before seems to get her to orgasm more easily. How bout you?

spartan55 · Answer

Completely.

Apple1996 · Answer

Not normal and shows that there is a communication issue. Everyone should be able to communicate to their partner what feels good to them and be able to make then orgasm

Ms_Vanderquack · Answer

Why would you get married do someone who doesn’t know what they are doing?

NathanDavis · Answer

something or a few things are missing...

DonkeyDan · Answer

I wouldn't say it's normal, it might be relatively common though. It all depends if the partner times the time to learn what gets their partner off. If they aren't making sure it happens then the chances are they don't really care about their partner. A fair few women won't climax through penetration alone and that is where you need to work to find out how they get off, otherwise they are just selfish.

Paige90 · Answer

He can't or you can't? I think it's normal for either of you to not be able to every now and then but if it happens all the time I would be concerned.

Jaximus-Lion · Answer

In my case! Yes. I have a damages nerve and the Mrs can't handle it for a lomg time. We use a vibrating penis sleeve, it helps.

Finchie40 · Answer

Not normal , definitely means something is off in the relationship if it’s a consistent thing , , your husband should do his best to make you get off before he finishes , if he only makes it about himself then theirs is issues you both should try to fix in the relationship if not you will both end up miserable and probably end up divorced

shepardmaddison · Answer

If the one person doesn't usually reach climax there are basically two possible causes: 1. You have no idea what he/she likes2. You are not good at sex

AviatorTom · Answer

As a guy, I usually climax, and occasionally don't. In my relationships with women (including my spouse (s)). sometimes she orgasms and sometimes she doesn't... she's usually okay with that.