Help on my situation?

[Reikonshoumetsu]

Warning: BDSM and Poly Topics!

Please Be kink friendly and knowledgeable ♡

So for almost a year now I have been talking with this guy online. He lives out of the country but close enough that a relationship would be pheasable traveling to visit along with online dating.

Personality we hit it off amazing. I can talk to him about anything without being worried. I have anxieties that have often come up between us and he's always there to help me calm down and gather myself while supporting me and easing my anxieties.

However, along with distance he's sexually unavailable right now. There are some legal things that he is going through that mixed with stress and the nature of said things - his libido is ZERO.

Me and guy 1 are NOT dating. I am SINGLE and have communicated this very early and clearly to anyone involved here. However, emotionally our feelings are very deep and we've discussed dating and are going to make a decision on this once we meet in person to make sure chemistry and everything translates to being around eachother in person.

Between covid, boarders, and the legal stuff this has been on hold almost a year. Should be able to visit him in a few months.


Going back to guy 1's entier lack of sex drive:
Because of this, he and I have talked about me doing hookups, and having a dedicated person that I mess around with.
I did not have to ask for his opinion of this, but it felt the right way to go about being very open communication wise and having nothing to hide if things do work out, and as a courtesy to him and his feelings. He is chill with it with a few rules (don't introduce them to eachother, don't need to tell him when stuffs going to happen, what we do ext ext)

Guy 2 is the guy I met while having hookups, he's currently the only person I sleep with physically, and he is also 100% aware of the situation with guy 1 and knows that emotionally I intended to be unavailable.

I am reaching character limit, and will continue to explain in comments

[Bdsmaster]

I think you want to ask who should you choose or can you go for both, am I right luv?
Firstly I don't see a problem in a poly relationship luv, if you like both of them and they like you then it is ok, but the problem is for a poly relationship to work out you need partners who like eachother too or at least they won't get jealous of eachother.
And secondly I think bdsm is a fun lifestyle I have it too so if you want you can go for it

[loves2learn]

Sorry, what is the base question?

[BarryLiverstone]

Didn’t see comments?

[Reikonshoumetsu]

I was only able to add updates and HIGHKEY ran out of updates and space to share more about it c: was waiting for someone to comment so I could lol you ok if i use the rest of this space to do so?

[BarryLiverstone]

Go ahead. Or you can follow me and continue. I’ll try to help you

[Reikonshoumetsu]

Continued: I have asked guy 2 about if he would be open to dating me (after our initial agreement of being friends only) and he said he would but he would feel a bit as a second choice. I can understand where he would feel like that, but he's not a second choice he's literally making me question everything... With everything around guy 2 tho, I wonder if some of the infatuation is the fact he's physically there, supportive, taking care of me and my animals while I am injured, and that it's the first time I've gotten to explore my kinks so entirely with someone not just online. I have a ton of insecurities, self esteem issues, and anxiety that have me second guessing my feelings, and what I should do about them. So far I've figured maybe the best bet is wait till my trip to visit guy 1 and see how we hit it off, and go from there accordingly.. Or do I take the chance with guy 2 now? I am poly, I care about them both deeply and have been very open and clear about things with everyone. They are both mono and are aware I am poly willing to be mono with an open relationship. I'm in a yelling loop In my head so any advice is appreciated ♡

[BarryLiverstone]

That’s complicated. The easy button is begin a relationship with guy 2 and have it be open. But would he be ok with you spending time with guy 1?

[Reikonshoumetsu]

Guy 1 is in another country, so visiting him in person would be a lot and with the emotional connection I don't believe so.

[BarryLiverstone]

Have you asked guy 2 if he’s ok being in an open relationship?

[Reikonshoumetsu]

Yes. To clarify by open relationship would be able to sleep around with protection but no emotion or dedicated partners. I also know they don't want to meet eachother.

[Reikonshoumetsu]

Also, no matter what, they are both very clear that nothing like this will effect our relationship. They have both clearly said it in their own words.

[Reikonshoumetsu]

Friendship*

[BarryLiverstone]

Ok then pick guy 2 and let guy 1 know you have moved on. You can’t be friends with both because of the emotional connection

[BarryLiverstone]

Does that help?

[Reikonshoumetsu]

Ish, something to think on at the very least

[BarryLiverstone]

How can I help beyond that? Clearly guy 1 isn’t close so while you have an online connection guy 2 is in your life and opening you up to kinks

[Kyle40]

Which guy makes you more turned on?

[BarryLiverstone]

You asking turned on emotionally or mentally?

[Reikonshoumetsu]

I am very much into kink. Even tho I am the sub in the dynamic I am teaching him the kinks uwu I've been into bdsm for years, but online predominantly. Also. I've not had a chance to do much sexually with guy 1 but lots with 2 They both matter a lot to me tho

[BarryLiverstone]

What’s preventing you from dating guy 2?

[Reikonshoumetsu]

I am Unsure, insecure, scared, and guy 1 is like my best friend / pseudo boyfriend emotionally. It's a big choice. It changes lots of things going forward for me

[BarryLiverstone]

If guy 1 is your bestie then think of it this way. That emotional connection will prevent all future romantic relationships. So while you have developed such a tight bond with him that’s holding you back from growing and evolving new opportunities. And if you can’t say goodbye to him guy 2 may choose to move on. Being scared and insecure makes sense. But it sounds like guy 2 will step up and take care of you. Wouldn’t you want to be with him?

[BarryLiverstone]

Bottom line is to be happy moving forward you need to pick one. And don’t let guy 2 wait while you travel to meet guy 1. That’s not a good option