How do I stop blaming myself for being raped?

Question

When I was 18 I moved in with my online boyfriend 500 miles away and he got me drunk until I passed out and raped me. I keep blaming myself. I was so stupid.

I thought no trans-attracted man would to hurt me like that. I considered this cis woman problems. I thought that trans-attracted guys were extra sweet and that God had someone special for me! There HAD to be good things about being trans! I thought he knew that growing up trans made me one of the saddest girls ever and he would give me happy feelings so I could be happy for once. My first was supposed to be the most magical moment of my life, it was supposed to take the sadness from my heart and make me feel happy.. It was supposed to prove to the world that it IS beautiful for me to love a man!

I also blame myself because when I first got there after driving 500 miles he pulled his penis out and asked me to suck it but I was tired and wanted to settle in so I said no- AND HE ASKED AGAIN!!! About 4 or 5 times I tried telling him no until he asked again and I could just say "I'm scared" he stopped but he wasn't happy. I thought it was normal. If I wasn't so stupid I would've known that it's not normal. He was a rapist! I loved him and thought God saved us for each other 😭

Then I got drunk with him. That's when he stole the most precious moment of my life from me and made it the most heartbreaking moment. I told him I wasn't ready yet. I was scared. But I was so stupid to think he cared.

The worst part is that I decided he must've just made a mistake. He loved me and this was what I've been waiting for- to finally be somewhere I wasn't the only trans girl. To finally have a man who made me feel lovable. I was just waiting until I was 18 for my turn to be happy!

I was so stupid! I was stupid to think there could ever be anything happy about being trans!. I was stupid for thinking anything special could happen for me. I'll never be good enough. God doesn't have any happy plans in store for me.

Screenwriter · Accepted Answer

This isn't about being stupid. It's about being young and naive. We have ALL been there. There is no way to know in advance that something bad will happen.

But, Eliza, consider this. If this was a LD relationship and you'd never met this guy in person before, that was the first red flag. Getting drunk with an unknown man was the second. Both of you were not acting normally.

It's unfortunate you had that experience. Join a trans group for support. Go to meetups where the men who are there know you are trans and accept who you are. They don't just SAY they accept you and then take advantage of you and use you.

Don't EVER establish online relationships where you've never met the person or long distance relationships. Meet people in person in safe places for coffee. Do not use alcohol at any initial meetings. Do NOT go to anyone's home until you've known them for many dates and your friends have met and know them too. You need to employ extra self protection because there are trans-haters who prey on trans people.

Always have friends and family know WHO you are with and where you are and when to expect a phone call from you telling them you're safe at home. Make it CLEAR to whoever you are dating that your parent, girlfriend or male friend have "heard about you" know about your date and where you're going and WILL MEET YOU after the date for a date report!

Anyone who has honest interest or feeling for you will be flattered that your friends are interested in him and how he's treating you. Get therapy for this rape. And don't make this horrible first experience sour you on a loving future with someone.

Shore up your circle of friends and family that have your back. Be super cautious about who you date and take it slow. If you are ever a victim again, GO STRAIGHT TO A HOSPITAL and have a rape kit done on you and PRESS CHARGES. Too many cis women never do this and rapists keep hurting others. It's the same for trans women. Take care and good luck.

readyplayer001 · Accepted Answer

you are not responsible for anyones actions in life but your own. the person who raped you is a pathetic excuse for a human, doesn't matter if you are trans, gay, straight, girl, guy etc, no matter what you maybe no one ever has the right to do this to anyone else. you have to process it still, there is so many different emotions you'll be feeling and you may never get over it you just live with it. it was not your fault turn around being a victim into being a survivor, dont ever allow yourself to take blame for something you didn't do or agree participation in.

TheorionMage · Accepted Answer

What I'm going to 'opine' may sound callous however it is not mean-spirited so much as it is blunt. Often in life we fantasize, we create a 'best of all possible' scenario out of what is, at best among the least likely 'real world' outcomes.

In my youth my parents, predominantly my mother... promulgated behaving as a gentleman, restraining my adolescent appetites like a 'goody two shoes' Christian teen. I grew up believing in serial monogamy... my ONLY sexual education came from the public library, Kinsey and Master & Johnson 'dry' technical treatises. DRY reading for a horny 12 yr old. Unlike you I'd didn't feel 'pretty'; I felt randy~

The girls I dated, THEIR PARENTS idolized me... which ran contratemps to the handsy pervy peer males those girls clandestinely fantasized. Ever wonder 'why' in high school, the desirable underclassman girls dated the upperclassman concupiscent 'romeos'? ALL the 'forbidden fruits' alcohol, drugs, sexual experience~ 'Romance' is the post-copulation rationalization we, in our youth sell ourselves; til a better opportunity presents itself.

Even amidst my companion peers, there exist NO loyalty when it comes to sexual opportunity. Consider the lyrics to: "I wish I had Jesse's girl" Acquaintances 'bird dogged' my dates and laughed behind my back at my romantic naivete, while they 'ran the bases' on equally-horny complicit girls.

YOU were equally naïve, MORE so... because you'd invested SO much of your emotions in your vision of trans lifestyle. Then, you got 'played' ... waking up hung over, 'used' and aching like you'd sat on a cucumber.
He used you as his 'bitch'. And in your own way, you'd been as naïve as I'd once was.
You can't undo the past BUT... you now 'jaded' and initiated... can wisen and NOT repeat the experience.

"FOOL ME ONCE shame on you; fool me TWICE, ... SHAME ON ME" until someone proves to ALSO BE the exception to the societal 'norm'.

Whislelowblow · Accepted Answer

Well, First I’d like to thank you for being so brave to share your very traumatic experience. And I’m sorry the horrible thing that transpired. Yes made a miscalculation by assuming all men who are into trans are sweet, but it’s not your fault. I know in American culture we put a lot of emphasis on individualism and if something bad happens to someone it’s their own fault, but that’s far from the truth. It’s okay to ask for help and a lot of times we try not to ask for it because we think we are supposed to handle it ourselves. And be strong. Yes, we get stronger when dealing with trauma and pain, but crippling trauma can consume somebody. The asshole took advantage of you when you were emotional. He played with your emotions so he can act out his sick sexual fantasy. He doesn’t give a shit about anyone he shares a bed. If it wasn’t you he would’ve done it to someone else. It wasn’t your fault. It disgusting how he doesn’t about the person he shares intimate space with. You need to forgive yourself for blaming yourself for something that disgusting thing forced you to do against your will.

loves2learn · Answer

It’s not your fault hun. Have you talked to a therapist? Also, rape is NOT sex. I would put this in the Health and Fitness category if you would like.

Zenpanda · Answer

I'll say 3 things.

1. That guy was a cunt.
What he did was horrible and in no way your fault.
You were naive and he took advantage of that.
Don't think all men are like that.

2. You have no reason to blame yourself.
You did absolutely nothing wrong.
Let me ask you.
If a man breaks into my house at night and stabs me, is it my fault I got stabbed?
No of course not.
And neither was any of this.
He's a thief, a criminal and a bad excuse for a man.

3. You are completely deserving of love and happiness.
You're a beautiful girl and someone will see that and treat you like you're supposed to be treated.
Something horrible happened to you and your self image and image of being trans have been damaged, but believe me, there is nothing wrong with you.
I have multiple trans friends and some of them are in happy relationships and a few are even married.
You're beautiful
You're valid
And you will meet a man who can see all of your wonderful traits who will treat you like you should be treated.
You will know the love you want and you won't even have to ask for it.
What happened to you doesn't define you unless you let it.
Please try looking forward.
To a brighter future
A happier future
A future where you are happy

OneManOnly01 · Answer

That guy was a fucking dick. He deserved to go to jail for what he did to you. Did you report him by the way? Did he go to jail?

And online boyfriend? What does that even mean? You never even interacted with him in person? You just moved in with a person you barely even knew?

To be frank, you should’ve put him in his place even before he raped you because those ‘innuendos’ of him were a bit too offensive already like you said.

I’m assuming you didn’t file a report against him. Is that correct? Do you really want him to stay out of jail even when he made your life miserable?

lovedejj_xo · Answer

Its not your fault when I was sexually assaulted that was a pretty low point in my life and I ended up going to therapy!!! It’s never your fault ❤️

Juxtapose · Answer

Don't blame yourself for other people's actions.

Twalli · Answer

Being trans is already difficult for anyone. To add rape on top of it must be terrible. Therapy will help. It doesn't mean you are weak or defective. It shows wisdom and strength, resilience. You will not let raoe define you, your rapist will not control you. You are your own woman, and will find a man who loves you as a man should love a woman.

EaterPeter · Answer

Stop it already, it may not be easy, you get to choose.

princeofromance · Answer

You must never blame yourself for being raped by a rapist who needs to be put away.

Sabretooth · Answer

aside from therapy--all you can do is take this as a lesson. least a question I was curious about has been answered... don't go looking for a red flag... but, learn to always recognize them.

Eric98 · Answer

You can't still blame yourself it was a honest mistake  Definitely try to move on though it may be difficult but with time it would be easy

Nice222 · Answer

Wake up tomorrow and say. “Fuck the past, what good today? How can I make tomorrow better? It’s a start….

Anonymous · Answer

Before I start: I'm not going to read your whole story because of triggers, I'm sorry for that. I used to blame myself as well, but you're the victim here, you're not the one to blame. What helped me was therapy (emdr therapy to be exact). Please talk about this with a professional. I thought I could do it on my own, but I needed the help to process what happened.

I don't know where you're from or if you need to pay for (possibly expensive) therapy yourself. If it's not an option there are online therapists that you can check out. But please know that you're not the one to blame.

Anonymous · Answer

I told you lat time and i’ll tell you again. Get off gag and go to your therapist. Women ARE in fact the majority of rape victims but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen to others.

How do I stop blaming myself for being raped?

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