What should I do, I feel so lost in my relationship, is this normal?

[Anonymous]

First of all, I'd like to start of by saying to please not judge me I'm a young girl (17, From Belgium) and I have different kinds of morals than most people. So it started when I was 16 I met this guy I really liked but he was in a toxic relationship with a girl that cheated on him and he sometimes emotionally cheated on her with me (and with his ex before her which he didn't have contact with), which, I don't respect his decisions, but I was wearing rose coloured glasses, this went on for 4 months, and suddenly his ex from before her came back, they break up and I don't hear from him for a month, suddenly he's back and in a week or so we're together. He's a really good guy now (we're together for almost 9 months now) but I found his behaviour for the first 4/5 months quite heartbreaking (I cried a lot and I still have trust issues and problems with my self worth) he followed thirst traps in our relationship, he still spoke with his exes and he didn't let me see the conversation with one of them, he liked posts from girls even though he didn't want me to do that, he spoke with a girl that I didn't trust (she tried to get in between my relationships before) and she made up rumours although I told him not to talk to her and he didn't listen. Now, he did stop doing all those things or so he says and he says he has the same morals as me but I'm still stuck on the things that happened. And another thing, he had sex before our relationship with someone he wasn't together with and I was a virgin (he took my virginity) I still sometimes feel gross doing it with him 'cause he was 15 and the girl was 18 and I just don't like it. I'm worried he still thinks about other girls in a horny way, I don't like it. I'm so insecure about myself but I don't think his behaviour was okay.

[Twalli]

It probably wasn't, but you stayed. The question is about his behavior now. If you like his behavior now, then stay with him. You knew he wasn't a virgin when you had sex. You still did it. You knew he was talking to other girls and you stayed with him. You knew he was unfaithful before you and you still chose to date him. Clearly you forgave the things that are causing you worry now at the time. Because of that you can't hold him at fault for things you knew that you let slide if they're not still happening. Granted if he was still doing those things and you were cracking under the pressure, then it's a different story, but it appears he's not doing them anymore and it's hypocritical to have an issue with them now when they weren't enough for you to break up with him then, especially since they aren't still happening now.

[Asker]

You're right. But I think he didn't change them immediately because he didn't know I knew and when he knew that I knew he said "well I didn't know it would bother you" and he quit after I told him or so it seems. I stay with him 'cause I love him and I waited for so long. And when we had sex for the first time his past didn't bother me (and I kinda thought he was a virgin and just lied) but I was more confident then. I became insecure in this relationship but I still love him very much.

[Twalli]

It sounds like you've entered stage 2. Stage 2 and 3 if a relationship are thr most difficult. I recommend that you remember what you love about him. Remember a relationship is work and nobody is 100% perfect. Even if there is (as I believe) a perfect person for you there's a 1 >7 billion you will find that person. This could still be good for you and you for him even if you aren't perfect.

[Asker]

What is stage 3? :(

[Twalli]

Stage 1: everything is good you notice how well you fit Stage 2: you notice all the difficulties Stage 3: you have to decide what you can accept and vice versa and he has to decide if he can change what your absolutes are Stage 4: mutual love and respect Also be aware that you will also have to see if you can change as per his absolutes.

[kyleelyn199723]

I agree with the other answer. If you choose to stay, then you shouldn’t be imposing toxic behaviors in a relationship because you feel insecure. If these things are a deal breaker that you can’t come to terms with, then you need to leave the relationship, and start fresh with someone else. You obviously have morals that you didn’t even listen to yourself when you went for this guy. If you stuck to your morals, you would’ve never dated him to begin with.

[Asker]

The thing is I became insecure in this relationship and the morals came with them. I think it just didn't hurt me as much as now because I was confident and I was kinda blind.

[kyleelyn199723]

@asker well if that’s how you feel, then you need to break up and stop talking to him, start fresh. What you accepted doesn’t give you a right to act toxic in exchange.

[Asker]

I still love him a lot and I don't want to break up but I'm not allowed to speak to other people about his wrong doings so who else should I speak to than him? Asking people anonymous is literally my only option because he doesn't want to talk about it.

[kyleelyn199723]

@asker if you still love him, then you need to put your insecurities to the side so you have the ability to create a positive relationship. Unfortunately, the more insecure you are about this, the more likely you are to create a stale relationship.

[Asker]

He's not helping me tho I'm literally alone in this

[kyleelyn199723]

@asker what exactly do you want help with or expect him to do?

[Asker]

Build my self-esteem en trust back up

[kyleelyn199723]

@asker your issue here is you expect someone else to build up your self esteem. That’s actually really dangerous that you put your ability to love yourself on someone else. Didn’t you say he has changed his behavior? So how is that not building back your trust when he has changed? Maybe you should tell him what you want in the relationship that will make you feel loved. Example : “I love when you tell me you love me and give me words of affirmation” “I love when we go out on dates and have an overall great time together” “I love when you show me you love me”

[kyleelyn199723]

@asker I think the issue here is you have no actual solution to the problems you have in the relationship right now and that is going to taint your relationship real quick. In order to solve problems, you need solutions

[Asker]

I believe he got better at hiding it.

[kyleelyn199723]

@asker so why are you still with someone you think doesn’t care for you so much that they are now furthering their hiding of things that hurt you? You need to figure out if your personal morals and thoughts are more important than this guy.

[kyleelyn199723]

If you think he is more important, then you need to personally change as well otherwise your relationship is going to be draining. Change is a two way street.