Sexual Relationships
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Why do I see so many guys on GAG expecting women to be submissive?

In my professional and private life, I have never encountered this on a larger scale. I have met people with BDSM fetishes and select people with more “traditional” expectations, but it has not been a norm in any of my relationships, both friendly and romantic.
Is this purely a romanticized notion for disillusioned men who turn to online forums to vent their frustration at romantic failures? This was my initial feeling, but I see so many. Variations on statements like “I will lead because I am a man”, “women need to submit to their men” are quite common online versus in reality.
In reality I see people just being people according to their individual strengths and capabilities, which is always a give and take from partners in a variety of ways. Are there situations where one partner is dominant? Yup. But I don’t see it as a rule. I’ve always been leaned on for a lot of the decision making in my relationships. I’ve even had some scenarios where I tried to get the partner more invested in partaking in the process. I am not dominant, I am just confident and secure in handling my life. I prefer people on a similar level to myself, without power differentials.
What is your take on it?
It’s just men online
Vote A
All men secretly think like this
Vote B
It’s a mixed bag and you’re probably just biased because you’ve taken a tiny sample size.
Vote C
You are weird. Everyone thinks like this. Except you, weirdo. And your weird friends.
Vote D
Select gender and age to cast your vote:
Girl Guy
1 1

Most Helpful Girls

  • Amen, Sister! You tell it! (Ask it.)
    I have no freakin' idea. I feel the exact same way. Wth is going on.
    And if you say stuff like this, a common response seems to be 'people online are crazy.' But are they? Are they a worse sampling of the population? Maybe. I don't know. What if online, people say what's really in their heads? That's the keep-you-up-at-night freaky one to consider.
    In my personal life back in my decade of dating before marriage, I found the same thing as you. There was only one weird/bad incident. All other guys were not rigid like so many seem to be now with this D/s fixation. Though it's not just the guys. Most/many girls don't want to submissive in their waking life, but in the bdrm they want to get railed and play the sub. Or lie there and be starfish. Or "I don't know how to ride a guy, be on top. Am I bad at it? My boyfriend told me, 'No.'" Uh... wtf.
    I voted C just to see the poll results. It was the closest to a guess. But I worry it's not C and it's too many B's in the world now.

    • I have similar worries after spending too much time online. Lololol. I get off and think, is this what they REALLY think when they can play anonymous? Am I surrounded by people who don’t actually like me, but feel forced to accept me due to feminism? One guy here mentions men yearning for the way things used to be - is that a temporary adjustment, or is it really just too hard for some men to evolve along with major trends in development? I have had conversations like this before when I noticed a high tendency of women to assume the submissive role in BDSM situations. My reasoning was always this: human beings are relatively young animals and we are still evolving from prior adaptations. I can see where once upon a time, male physicality and dominance was a survival trait, as was the ability for women to not only select these types but also to deal with their tendencies. Your chance of procreating were simply higher as a woman if you could attract the most dominant provider and then functionally deal with side effects like aggression, dominance and even polygamy. These phenotypes were the ones who survived and passed on their genes, the others just died out. Fast forward to today. Currently we live in an era where phenotypes that would died even a century ago are thriving. The role of women has changed dramatically and females that would have been culled centuries ago are now reproducing and able to realize themselves in roles outside of “wife and mother”. We’re not dying anymore, or getting locked away. So it’s no longer black and white. Women are being born who do not have “traditional” tendencies at all. Other women who may have been cowed into this role long ago are now allowing themselves to properly unfold. But are there still degrees of this genetic “PTSD” in many women? (CONTINUED)

    • I can see it still coming out from time to time in varying degrees depending on the woman, especially in bedroom scenarios and mate selection, although it is often just a manifestation of the subconscious. A similar tendency applies to men and what they think it means to “be a man”. I don’t doubt that many victims of toxic masculinity are men who don’t really have the phenotype of this “traditional man” and are struggling in the shadow of these archaic expectations. All of it, however, is just a gradient, with most people not exhibiting anything noticeable at all. In the end, I go offline and see a lot of people just being themselves. So I take comfort in how transient and fleeting these concepts are. I am sure this other mentality is still hard coded into some people, but for the most part, it is subconscious or non extant at all. We are changing, but still at the infancy of this particular type of transformation, so we will see people clinging to old ideals and exhibiting outdated tendencies, especially if they cannot adjust to the current climate or if they are looking to place blame for their lack of romantic success. I don’t doubt that some of it is sincere, but I hope, just as you do, that it’s not a secret desire slumbering in everyone. Eeeek. Technically there is no “way” men or women should be - we just happened to end up like this. And as society and expectations change, so will we. We have the potential to evolve into anything really. Who knows what we will look and act like 10000 years from now, if we are still alive as a species. Thanks for the reply! I appreciate your input!

    • Girl, you just laid out some tasty treats here and they are all savoury, not junk food from the 7/11! I have a bunch of thoughts and I apologize if they are not that well organized, and fail to address all your great points. But I agree with you! Toxic masculinity is about both the hazards of testosterone, and the oppressive nature of strict gender roles - 'men should be tough', 'only pussies cry', yada yada, so although there is a softening of men today, as compared to ever in our history, it should theoretically be very liberating; but, of course, liberation also causes anxiety as a byproduct. I did a bunch of research several months ago and was able to conclude quite assuredly that male violence against women is associated with male rigid adherence to gender roles. I wrote a mytake about this. Got a bit tense, but the guys held it together, overall. (And they can dispute it all they like. I did the research, and there have been many studies on this which do seem legitimate.) But again, the key is "rigid adherence", not "gender roles bad." Delineation of responsibilities is a great concept. It should, ideally, be used in tandem with sharing, taking turns, etc. But I notice today, 20something females very, very, often are taking a stand and saying "I'm not cleaning up after him. Or doing all the grocery shopping, laundry, cooking... forget that. We're splitting it up." That's fine, but it's not like it's inherently bad to delineate, divvy things up, if it's done equally. (I guess girls think that guys are lazier. But guys have typically more lax standards for these things. So doing more of them, more often, is for the girl, not for himself. He would prefer to live more simply, be less fastidious.) I think there's a certain rigidity to this "everything's equal", in a way. Flexibility of mind often equals intelligence, progress, innovation, etc etc. Of course it would apply to the social sciences as and society as well.

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  • I have to be dominant within my professional career especially with men. When I get home I don’t want to have to deal with a submissive guy…. I want to be, I’ll definitely speak up though if needed. So I guess I can switch 🤷🏽‍♀️

    • Yup just like me. There is a time and place for everything. I also know people who take on entirely different roles in the bedroom compared to how they act outside.

Most Helpful Guys

  • I don't think 'expect' is the right word. Today most men don't expect a submissive woman anymore than women expect a Jason Momoa.

    It is the feminine ideal that most men wish for, but I don't think most expect it.

    But yes, I think many/most men do yearn for what marriage and relationships used to be, but for the most part are not anymore. And the internet is where they will feel free to express their frustration and disappointment.

    .

    • Do you think this applies to all men though or just a segment of the population that either struggles to have a successful partnership in the current climate, or is still hard coded to emulate Jason Momoa and find a “feminine ideal” counterpart? For the record, while I can appreciate the aesthetics of Jason Momoa as a well developed human, I am not remotely attracted to him. He is way too tall and beefy for me. Lol

    • It doesn't apply to all men. Everyone is different and some men prefer to be more submissive. But it also has nothing to do with struggling to have a successful partnership. Just as it is natural for many women to want to be submissive, it is also natural for many men to prefer a dominant role in a relationship. The majority of women prefer to be sexually submissive and prefer a man to take a dominant role in bed. That's natural, and I think the same is true outside the bedroom for many people. I know I'll get grief from some for this statement but I believe submissiveness is a feminine trait and dominance is a masculine trait. That doesn't mean all men should be dominant and all women should be submissive, because both men and women have varying degrees of masculine and feminine traits. But nevertheless, on average, men do tend to naturally be more masculine, and women more feminine. So it shouldn't come as a surprise that many men would want a submissive woman. It's nature.

    • I am not going to give you grief, even if I don't agree. You are entitled to your opinion. I have spent a lot of time explaining my views on the topic of "masculine" versus "feminine" traits and their origins earlier on this question to AmandaYVR, so if you'd like to see a more extensive explanation, feel welcome to take a look. In general I don't disagree with you that some people are hard coded with traits that used to establish fitness under prior conditions, traits you see as "masculine" or "feminine". In modern times, they still exist, although they are slowly becoming obsolete as they aren't as important anymore. These traits are very fragile and subject to selection - in today's world we have increasing numbers of "gender neutral" or indeed contrary survivors who are not only encouraged to act according to their nature, but also to procreate. Mate selection is also changing due to less stringent conditions, so a woman who may have been paired with a "masculine man" and told she must be "feminine", can now be who she wants to be and choose any partner. A quick look at the animal kingdom gives us all kinds of scenarios of sexual dimorphism, including cases where it disappears completely in varying environments! I imagine that in time and under increasingly different selection pressure, the definition of masculine and feminine is likely to shift from something absolute to something more like a fashion trend.

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  • I've noticed many on gag for years literally admit they're submissiveness. Then again there's a big difference in being submissive and receptive. I love tough fit dominate type of women myself so I guessing a lot of guys are confusing submissive with rectiveness or just plain looser action.

    • I think that misfortune with bad partners can often be attributed to “bad character qualities” that are then assigned to an entire gender. So if a man is left by a girlfriend for a more wealthy man, he may see it as a function of money instead of considering his personal shortcomings. Maybe that particular woman just wasn’t great either? It’s so easy to fall back on stereotypes and say “all women/men are like this” or “this trait” caused it as an umbrella statement. It makes the accuser feel like the blame doesn’t lie with them or their choices. What is your definition of submissive versus receptive? I would think partners of any gender should be receptive to each other.

    • Being submissive is to readily just give in to a commanded gesture or authority. Being receptive is to readily consider all the options on the table first then indulge or not. Women who chase money and leave one man for a nothing because of monetary reasons is a gold digging hatlot plain and simple which has nothing to do with his traits or character of the man , but shines a flood light on the woman. Just because a majority of people trend together with a dipictive belief doesn't mean stereotype. Women are built , designed and intended to be receptive. Men aren't. Men are designed and intended to compromise through a woman's accommodation towards him , not the other way around.

    • Your definition of "receptive" actually describes the actions of responsible men and women. I would expect my partner to "readily consider all the options on the table first then indulge or not" and cannot imagine selecting someone who didn't. Most relationships are based on mutual compromise, where couples lay out their options and decide the on the best route to take. Also - a "gold digger" is not the same as a "woman who leaves her boyfriend for a wealthier man", because the wealth may just be incidental. What if she really just liked this other man more and they were more compatible? That's not gold digging. Do all men then jump to the conclusion that she IS a gold digger because the new man is wealthier? No. But some do. I see you made the leap quite readily. Women do this too, and generalize men based on failed relationships, often refusing to assign themselves any blame.

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What Girls & Guys Said

4 5

  • I feel so called out lmao

  • Because they lack real world experience

    • I think you may be on to something. Lol

    • Usually am

  • I prefer women to be dominant sexually.

  • Because in general that is the natural order of things when it comes to sex.

    • Instead of explaining it again, I am going to refer you to prior threads on this question that I've had with others. In short - "the natural order" is a fragile thing when it comes to sexual dimorphism. It is not constant or absolute, it is subject to pressures affecting selection. We are a young species, with a lot of development and change left to come.

  • The good thing about BDSM is that it is WAY easier to find a submissive man than a dominant man. Most people (men and women) prefer to be submissive. But sometimes it seems that people think that only women are submissive wtf?

  • Yea it's annoying. I'm more of a dom myself and I hate it when men make assumptions about me being submissive.

  • I don't know what is "normal", but in my own personal experience I've found most women prefer to be submissive in a relationship. I don't know whether that is typical or if maybe I just attract that type of woman. I am definitely a more dominant personality myself and I would never be happy in a relationship with a woman who is dominant or hung up on power dynamics in a relationship. It just wouldn't work for either of us.

    Not all guys are dominant though. But I do think most guys who the typical woman is naturally attracted to tend to be the confident, assertive, dominant type.

    • Hmmm. Interesting. I mean I am attracted to men who are on my level of confidence and assertiveness. Usually there are no power dynamics, because it’s similar to how I interact with my friends - we are alike in a lot of ways. We clash sometimes, but most of the time we instinctively defer to each other or step up to take control when the situation calls for it. I have met dominant people who really do attract submissive types because their personality is a bit too much for more confident types. I had a friend like this once and we almost got to the point where we were threatening each other. It just didn’t work, because she expected to be the leader. She only liked me when I was letting her handle everything. So if you expect to be the leader, I don’t doubt you will end up with people who want you to fill that role. You’d clash with the rest of us for sure. I don’t doubt women in general don’t want weak partners (unless they are dominant themselves). I mean I don’t. I expect men to stand on their own before I let them stand with me. But dominant men? I can’t see how that would be anything but a screaming match if you want need up with someone who is just neither one or the other. In my experience, this has been most of the people I’ve known. We’re just not one or the other at all. I know my sample size is still tiny, but I am probably looking at this from a very limited angle, based on two or three posts I saw in aggregate hat don’t represent the average population at all.

    • *want to end up. Apologies for the crazy autocorrect and my failure to catch it.

  • No idea. I prefer us to be able to switch it up. I’m mostly submissive, but I do love to dominate from time to time.

    • I think that this mirrors most people I know - they all think they are both. Many feel submissive a lot (guys too) because it’s often just nice to not have to “drive” all the time. I am like that with a lot of things, just not some of the more critical stuff like big life decisions and finances. But if you want to decide which restaurants we go to, unless I am really craving something, I am okay with being led. By everyone. Partner and friends.

  • I prefer women to be more Dominant.

    • Thanks! It is interesting to see what take people have on it in their own lives.

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