Sexual Relationships
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Do I have a right to be extremely uncomfortable with my boyfriend (23m) subscribing to our “friend’s” onlyfans?

My boyfriend (23) and I (20f) have been together for over a year. I’ve never had a problem with him watching porn, but draw the line at him viewing lewd content of people we know. We have a pretty sex positive relationship. I’ve entertained his desires and we’ve discussed open relationships and threesomes. All which I’ve been open to because of open and honest communication. I recently discovered on his laptop that he’s subscribed to a girl we both know. She’s even tried to go on double dates with us. He’s spent 470 dollars on her alone. He was even her top 5% fan in the month of October, which is my birthday. That month he couldn’t afford to get me a nice gift or take me out to dinner because he was struggling with money. I was fine with that because I love him and just his time alone is a gift to me but now finding out he instead paid money to look at this girls content I feel really betrayed. He’s even talked about how he doesn’t like her too much and how she’s too skinny for him. Now I know he was probably just over compensating for his guilt. I feel beyond hurt. I want to end things with him but I feel like he’s going to say that there’s nothing wrong with what he’s done. I don’t even know how to approach him. Just the thought of him pleasuring himself to 15 sec videos of a girl we know makes me repulsed by him and I don’t think I could ever look at him the same. And this girl thinks they’re genuinely friends as far as I know so I feel bad for her as well. Can you guys give me advice on how to approach this when he gets home?

Tldr; my boyfriend subscribed to a mutual friends onlyfans and I don’t know how to confront him.
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Superb Opinion

  • Yes, you do have the right to be uncomfortable.
    I don't know if it's what you *want* to hear right now but you've just about answered your own question;
    "Just the thought of him pleasuring himself to 15 sec videos of a girl we know makes me repulsed by him and I don’t think I could ever look at him the same."
    The fact that it's pushed you this far - shows entirely that the trust & respect you had for him was shattered. Rightfully so, with him having hid something like this from you..
    The wife & I are poly/swingers - and we've also set the same ground rules of keeping that respect for each other & running things by each other. I've never turned her down, and she's only turned me down from 1 woman that she felt she had some competition with, and that woman was a pretty close friend of mine that we'd previously played with. The wife didn't feel comfortable with the way our friend was handling herself & how she fell asleep on me.. So, we completely cut that friend out of the bedroom - we're still friends but I don't visit, hangout with, or talk to her without the wife alongside me. It's not that she doesn't trust *me*, it's that she doesn't trust *her*. I hold enough respect for my wife that I see it as a reasonable reaction. I wouldn't want to feel that way, so I can't subject her to it..
    Now, imagine the reaction if he'd found out that you'd spent all your money the month of *his* birthday on what is effectively a stranger (because it was all kept secret) & couldn't then get him anything nice for his.. Do you think his reaction would be similar to yours? Because I'm willing to bet it'd be an instantaneous fight with some pretty nasty words being slung around..
    I'm sure you've still got very deep feelings for him but at this point it seems like it's just going to be more painful to drag this thing out & just wind up hurting more in the end.
    I'm usually all for salvaging relationships but this isn't just "subbing to her onlyfans", this is cheating.
    This is deliberate and intentionally misleading you, saying he doesn't like her that much, that "she's too skinny!" and then backswinging and spending more on her.. for nothing.. Rather than showing you he cares for you on your *birthday*.
    Please don't try to rationalize this as "Well, we *were* in an open relationship...", either.
    The boundaries for "Cheating" are different for every relationship - and you had already defined those boundaries.. I'd let my wife get trained by 18 guys if she asked, but if she hid ONE hookup from me, that tells me that there's something much deeper than just sex with that one hookup. That's a betrayal not of lust & flesh, but a betrayal of my trust. If they're willing to do that once, they're going to be willing to do it again.. They'll just be more careful to not get caught next time.

Most Helpful Guy

  • Doesn't matter he paid $1 or $5000, you ALWAYS have your rights.

    The question is do you want / need to exercise this right, if that's what you're asking.

    And yes, $470 is a big sum for a guy why can't get ends meet.

    And spending on her instead of you did create a sense of unfairness and jealousy.

    If my girlfriend were to do this to me, I would bring her out for a sumptuous meal to show how much I love her.

    Then I would confirm all and ask why she does that.

    I'll make sure she know that excuses is NOT what I want to hear.

    After that, I would tell her that the hurt is deep and painful and then I'll foot the final bill with her and leave.

    But of course, since you're in an open relationship with him, it's up to you to resolve it.

    Talk should be honest and open. Definitely more open than your relationship. And then you may redefine the boundaries and stay, or break off neatly. It's your choice.

    • I just know when I confront him he’s going to say he’s done nothing wrong despite this being a continuous boundary of mine. Which is why I feel inclined to end things. And maybe it’s backwards to allow him to sleep with other people but not be okay with porn but I’ve always said people we know are off limits for any type of sexual activity, porn and sex alike.

    • The key principle to this argument is Honesty. Be it threesome or swapping, you both agreed and then do it. Hence the basic trust is there. This case he for sure know you won't approve. And worse, he choose her over you as apparent from the "gifts" he gave to you and her. Hence, you decide based on the basic principles that keep a relationship alive, which is honesty, trust and love.

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What Girls & Guys Said

0 13

  • That’s kinda the point of onlyfans. Now spending $470 is where I’d draw the line. But the act of it itself I don’t see an issue I don’t think it’s a problem with it being a mutual friend tho he’s supporting sex workers and yalls friend so that’s a plus to me.

    • So if your partner pleasured themself at night to a video of your friend stroking his dick you’d be fine with that?

    • It wouldn’t matter if it’s my friend or not it’s all just porn if I allow one I’ll allow it all if I allow none then it’s none. Some people are just very sex positive like that

  • Only if he is allowed to be extremely upset when you make an onlyfans 🤷🏻‍♂️ fair is fair

    • I’ve never made an onlyfans and have no plans to

    • Good

  • Yes. OF is quicksand. One foot in and it could very well mean disaster. I'd run.

  • Yes or no but if he knows the chicken person is probably I'm going to hate to sell a guy out but he's going to try it going to try at some point

  • You're disappointed, you need to communicate this to him and let's see if he does anything about it, like delete OF for a while or any type of action that would show he cares.

    We have 2 issues and you should definitely not mix them together, you don't wanna mention your birthday in the same conversation as subscribing to a real life friend and paying a bag for.

    Start with telling him how you're not comfortable with the situation, then pick another time in the future to get the other incident off your chest.

    • Apparently he has deleted it but resubbed just before I caught him because he couldn’t help himself and needed to see if our friend posted something new. He calls it a habit. I call it an addiction. He thinks the only thing wrong here is him wasting him money.

    • It's becoming something else now, just make sure it's his only addiction as a start

  • Since that was where you drew the line (I hope you told him that was where you drew the line beforehand), you need to consider ending the relationship. I know you don't WANT to, but what he did was a major betrayal. Plus him paying her made it unable to buy you a gift, and honestly that's pretty bad. I mean I don't pay more than $50 for both my girlfriend's birthday and Christmas (they're 20 days apart), so I buy them together. So if he can't afford about $25 for a nice gift for you, that is a serious problem when he has given her $470+.

  • Why you're dating someone 21 and over, i dk

  • pissing money away on a porn subscription when your already broke. he a winner. nuke him

  • Let me ask you this. If he had been honest from the start with you about this would it have bothered you as much? I ask because you said that you have discussed other things that did not bother you since he was honest and open with you. o would you have had a threesome with her if this had not happened and he was open and honest with you about it?

    You certainly have the right to be upset with him over this because of what and how it happened. Does this now change how you feel about open relationships now?

    • I would have never been okay with it because I don’t think we should involve people we have personal relationships with into our sex life. And no I don’t feel different about open relationships but I feel different about him. Thinking about him spending 50 dollars on a 15 sec video on 3 separate occasions just to get off is repulsive to me

    • I agree with you even though I have paid for time on a website with random girls. I have never been a fan of onlyfans and don't think I could look at someone I know like that. I think you are probably right about leaving him though. If you ask him and he says there is nothing wrong or going on then you know he will keep doing it. better to stop it now.

  • Only if he can be upset if u fillow someone on only fans

    • I don’t have an onlyfans account and would never subscribe to peoples content I don’t think it’s necessary

    • Then u can be uncomfortable

    • How do I approach this conversation with him

    • Show All

  • Do u wanna finish that open relationship?

  • I don't see how it being someone you know would be any worse than random strangers, but admittedly he is spending too much time and money on them and not enough on you based on what I read here.

  • I think that you should join her in one of her videos and at the end say "Hey X, I know you are watching this; I am done with you."

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