My boyfriend went to a strip club, what do I do?

[Anonymous]

My boyfriend and I have been together almost 2 years. Something we’ve talked about is that neither of us are to go to strip clubs. We got in a big argument and I didn’t hear from him for 3 days. During this time, he went to a titty bar, a strip club, and downloaded tinder. He didn’t tell me about these things, I found out when I saw it on his phone. I don’t know how to get over it or how to forgive him. His reason is that he didn’t think we would work out after our fight, he was trying to get over me, and planning to break up with me. He said all those things he did just made it worse and made him realize he wanted to be with me. I’m heartbroken. How do I get over this? He told me the strip club was really gross, he didn’t even get turned on, and he wanted to leave the entire night but his friend didn’t want to go. What do I believe? What do I do? If he was going to do all that, I would’ve preferred he just break up with me first. I love him, but I feel betrayed and like trust has been broken. I don’t feel like our relationship is special anymore.

[Anonymous]

To address the getting tuned on thing. There is a chance he found them attractive in the same way if he saw porn I'd guess. But jg could be missing that emotional attachment.

In regards to the other stuff if he wasn't enjoying it he could have left and left his friend. I personally would have if my friends dragged me into a strip club I would have no issues leaving and if I was seeing someone is call them to partly say what happened and also to see if they would want to do something. And even if single I'd leave I'm not into that stuff.

Whats a titty bar? I've never heard of it and well I get the feeling it's not something I'd want to do.

If I'm honest it seems like he wanted to be there and is just trying to make you feel better. However downloading tinder and saying he wanted to break up isn't on. If he wanted to look for others he should have only downloaded it after breaking up. Personally I'd break up with a partner for this stuff but it's up to you and how you feel. I really hope it all works out for you.

[Asker]

Yeah, my boyfriend admitted it was his own idea - not his friend’s. And a titty bar is where they walk around in thongs and bras. He says he didn’t want to be there, and immediately felt bad but was trying to like it so he wouldn’t be as upset over breaking up with me. But yeah, I agree. How are you gonna go to a titty bar, then a strip club, then download tinder and say you felt bad about it the entire time? He kept doing it, so he didn’t feel that bad.

[Asker]

He said he was trying to seem cool to his friend, and trying to get over me at the same time. I don't know

[Opinion Owner]

It seems like he did want to break up saddly and I actually find it sad things like titty bars exist it's nothing I'd want to go to. I maybe single but it doesn't interest me neither do strip clubs I honest don't see the appeal of them. And also tinder is awful it's a hook-up site and people bit way to mcub info on there profiles as I learnt the hard way. The fav that it was his idea and was him trying to be cool I think makes it worse. Yeah I if it was his friends idea and he took him to either the strip club or titty bar. As long as your boyfriend didn't know first and I think left quickly I'd say he would be innocent. Sadly that's not the case. More so when it seems it was is prep to end your relationship. Which I think is more. of a betrayal in that way. Genuinely what is the appeal of strip clubs or titty bars. I just fail to see the appeal.

[Asker]

Same. I think they’re gross. Especially when you’re in a committed relationship with a girl whose begging you to talk. He wouldn’t even text me back for three days

[Opinion Owner]

That's not on. I understand some enjoy working or have to work at them so I have nothing against employees tho I feel bad if they are more forced to it by financial means. As it must be quite degrading. It's not on to not reply for 3 days and do that. I tend to reply instatlly when I can to people but if not I always apologies. And if I've tkane a break or been away from tech I've always said to those who contact me most. Like just saying I am unlikely to reply for the next few. days due. to. whatever circumstances. Also as far as I'm concerned if you want to see others in those situations just go watch porn I guess I don't know if that's better or not. And well depending on where in the realtionship you could find things to do with a partner better then going to a. steip club and that. Also what is it with people going all TMI on tinder.

[Asker]

Now he’s telling me part of him enjoyed it, but most of him felt bad about being there. Which isn’t what he told me before. And then he said he was sexually frustrated after and got mentally turned on but not physically. Like is that even possible. I don't know why his answers always change.

[Asker]

Now he’s telling me part of him enjoyed it, but most of him felt bad about being there. Which isn’t what he told me before. And then he said he was sexually frustrated after and got mentally turned on but not physically. Like is that even possible. I don't know why his answers always change

[Opinion Owner]

I don't know why his answers change tho it just proves he wasn't honest the first time. And I do believe the mental turn on but not physical either way can happen.. I've been turned on by something I've read and well I was unable to react physically if that makes sense. Like you know it doesn't react.

[DonkeyDan]

To be fair many strip clubs are pretty gross, I went to one in the US back in my 20s and couldn't wait to get out of there. I get that he thought you possibly weren't getting back together, and thought that is was possibly over. But if it was really just a fight and neither of you said "I never want to see you again" or words to that affect, then he should have still considered it a viable relationship situation. Nevertheless people can agree to and do crazy things when they are hurt and angry, and it's a standard guy thing to take your recently dumped or seperated friend to a strip club. It doesn't necessarily mean it's right but it's understandable, they are hurt and are trying to bury their emotions.

[Asker]

Yeah. I said a lot of hurtful things to him during our initial argument, but it didn’t deserve this. And I was calling and texting him constantly. He said he “thought he was going to breakup with me”, so we weren’t officially broken up. I don’t know what to believe. He seems sorry, but I’m scared for what’s to come. I don’t want to forgive if it’s going to happen again. And I also don’t know how to move on from this.

[DonkeyDan]

The fact is that if he didn't care he wouldn't have come back, how you deal with what he says and did is up to you, we don't know him. People do genuinely make nistakes though, but trust is a very hard thing to get back once it's lost. So the question you have to ask yourself is do you think it is possible for you to trust him again, if at this point the answer is no then it's probably bot worth wasting yours or his time. The other question I would raise is the reason you were arguing for in the first place, has this issue gobe away, or has this incident overshadowed it? Does that still need dealing with too? It seemed serious enough for you to have almost broken up over.

[Asker]

Now he’s telling me part of him enjoyed it, but most of him felt bad about being there. Which isn’t what he told me before. And then he said he was sexually frustrated after and got mentally turned on but not physically. Like is that even possible. I don't know why his answers always change

[VIVANT]

What bothers me is how easily he decides it can’t work bc of a fight. You should be able to argue without worrying it means a break up. That’s gonna result in walking in egg shells. I don't know what the fight was so maybe in this case it was an unresolvable issue, but generally this is a very very poor communication capability.

the bar stuff is not great but I’m not suture see he was grossed out as I don’t think it was primarily based on desire but more an acting out bc of his reaction & inability to deal with interpersonal disagreement.. Kind of self sabotaging to keep him safe from having to deal with any conflict. Like spilling coffee on a presentation that you are too nervous to give and regretting it after the fact of letting it happen.

was the content of the argument a really big deal like something impossible? Or was it just arguing in its own that he didn’t like?

[Asker]

It was a pretty big argument. We had been having issues for a few weeks and I agree that he self sabotages. We’ve talked about that before. He doesn’t feel good enough, so he ruins the good things in his life. I’ve asked him 1000 times if he had fun or enjoyed himself and he swears he didn’t, that it only made it worse. The next day is when he reached out to me to talk. He’s apologized over and over, says he will do anything to regain my trust and he doesn’t care how long it takes. I just don’t know what to believe.

[Daniela1982]

If you believe what he says I got a bridge for sale in San Francisco I'll sell you cheap. Just wire me the money or send me $1 million in gift cards. A person doesn't go on Tinder unless they are looking for sex. Dump this loser and get some nads and self respect. Stop wasting your time on worthless lying sacks. Tell him to KMA!

[DaveJord]

I think you end the relationship because obviously you two want different things out of a relationship. Cut this fish loose.

[slatyb]

Grow the fuck up. How does his outing affect you?

My opinion: he should stay broken up with you and find an adult to date.

[AviatorTom]

The real question is... can the two of you just put this behind you and work on your present and future relationship. There's nothing really wrong with going to a strip club with friends... look but don't touch.

Sounds like you might be a bit too controlling, and that's why he rebelled after your fight.. Back off a bit, let him be who he is.

Good luck with the relationship.

[Asker]

In my opinion, looking at naked women and giving them money to dance a foot away from you is cheating. Lusting after other women is cheating in our relationship, him and I have both agreed on that.

[AviatorTom]

You and I have different opinions, which is fine. Are you positive that both of you agreed that a strip club and lusting for another woman is cheating, or is that your opinion and he just gave into it? Again, the real question is what the two of you do going forward. Only you two, together, can answer that.

[Asker]

Yeah we have talked about it in the past and agreed on it. Along with porn. He was watching porn, sexting other girls, etc in the beginning of our relationship. Now he's done this

[Asker]

It's hard to trust after that. I love him, but sometimes don't feel like the feeling is mutual.

[Socal99]

Go with the next time

[exitseven]

okay- his explanation really makes sense. He went there with a friend and it was not what he thought it would be. I have been to a couple of them and they were not like you see on TV. I never got turned on either. He probably thought about you the whole time.
You should forgive him. If you are really curious about it maybe you should go to a strip club on ladies night and see it is not such a big deal.

[bowenw]

If you think the relationship is worth saving and he is genuinely sorry for what he did, I would let him use his once-in-a-lifetime get-out-of-jail-free card. If he ever does anything like this again it's over between the two of you.
Remember, many guys enjoy looking at naked women, be it at strip clubs or in porn. It doesn't mean they care any less for their SO. Of course there are exceptions. Some guys are addicted and need professional help.
You may want to offer to go to the strip club with him if he ever feels he want to go rather than him sneaking off behind your back.

[Hangry06]

He already decided to break up with you.
Don't take him back

[Asker]

We were in TX with my family when it happened, didn’t find out til I was back in Florida with him. Ugh

[Danny_dan92]

Well clearly he doesn’t give a fuck.


So now you make a choice

[Asker]

He’s been apologizing constantly, in tears over it, etc. I don't know what to do

[Danny_dan92]

Is he in tears cause he got caught or cause he is genuinely sorry?

[Asker]

Honestly I don't know. He swears he’ll never do anything like that ever again. And that he hated all of It, was trying to move on from me. But what am I supposed to believe. He could’ve broken up with me first.

[Danny_dan92]

Let try that again. Did you find out? Or did he tell you?

[Asker]

I found out from looking at his phone

[Danny_dan92]

Yeah. He’s a pos

[Asker]

I don't know maybe I’m too nice. He said he was afraid to lose me if he told me.

[Asker]

Maybe I should go to one to get him back. Though I have no desire to

[Danny_dan92]

Your relationship is done. If you stay with him, you’re only going to enable him to continue to do unfaithful shit behind your back. And with his logic of “being afraid of losing you had he told you” Umm.. I don't know. Maybe he wouldn’t have to worry about that if he simply didn’t go to one in the first place right? This guy reminds me of a friend I used to have, played the victim card when he was the piece of shit towards his wife. If you are just his girlfriend, get out now. Before it’s too late

[Asker]

Yeah. He should’ve broken up with me if that’s what he was thinking anyways. And he self sabotages. But that’s not a good enough excuse to hurt me like this.

[awkward_author]

If he did this after a big fight, I'm not sure it's possible to completely trust him again. Without trust, how can your relationship last?

[Capt_Obvious]

He did it to retaliate..

I dont know all the details that led up to this point, but thats how some guys will respond..

I would focus on the issues that led upto the argument..

Yes.. guys can go to a strip club and not get horney.. Its a show.. nothing more.. (no I dont go to strip clubs).. Do you think guys get horny walking through a museum..(yes some pervs will.. but not most)..

[Asker]

Yeah. I think he does things to self sabotage. He said he did it to try to get over me but it made him more sad. I don't know if that’s true

[Capt_Obvious]

Mmm.. not seeing sabotage or "getting over"... Guys are not vocal animals.. Think of us as "communication challenged".. We tend to act.. often by "leaving" the relationship.. ie disconnecting.. Again suggest you guys address the issues that led upto the argument. If those issue (s) are not addressed it's likely to happen again..

[Asker]

Now he’s telling me part of him enjoyed it, but most of him felt bad about being there. Which isn’t what he told me before. And then he said he was sexually frustrated after and got mentally turned on but not physically. Like is that even possible. I don't know why his answers always change

[VikingWarLord]

He sees you as CuckQuean material.
Men are visual, if you aren't above average, we're more likely to cheat and think we can get away with it. If I saw one of your pics, I could tell you if he thinks of you like that. But from what you said here, it sounds like you're most likely average. 5 or 6 out of 10 in looks I'm assuming.

[Asker]

I feel like above a 5 or 6 haha but I don't know. I mean there’s more to relationships than looks though

[FinalFantasyBro]

Honestly just dump him you can do much better compared to a loser like that.

[OmegaSTC]

So sorry to hear that. Here’s the facts: you were betrayed. Anything he says to convince you otherwise is manipulation. Now your decision is what to do about it. You can work to salvage the relationship, or you can start anew

[CaptainLegal]

I don't really understand why people go to strip clubs, I went one time with 2 friends because we were celebrating our 18 birthday (I wasn't in a relationship at that time). I felt really uncomfortable, a room filled with guys watching some girls stripping, really weird, won't do it again, I would rather sit at home and watch porn LMAO 🤣

[Wise4myage]

Next time, ask to go with him?

[Asker]

Or I could be a stripper

[Wise4myage]

I like that idea, lol

[Asker]

Haha I have honestly been contemplating it

[CaramelChocolate]

Wow. What an asshole. He doesn't care about you. Leaving him will be a good thing for you

[LegendaryIcon]

He's allowed to go where he wants to go. You don't control him

What you can do, is tell him how you feel about it..

And if he doesn't stop going. Then you have a choice to make.. stay with a guy who doesn't something you don't like but can't control... or leave

[steveRogers12]

It's possible but unlikely that he didn't get turned on. And it's a red flag that after a fight he was making a tinder profile (more so then the strip club)

[Asker]

Yeah. He’s done that before too

[steveRogers12]

Seems he's itching to leave but keeping you around until he finds something he thinks is better

[Asker]

Ugh. :/

[OddBeMe]

Did he know you’re adamantly against it?

[Asker]

Yes he did

[OddBeMe]

Then it’s bad. He made a decision. Now you must.

[888theGreat]

dump him