Sexual Relationships
+1 y

How long would you wait for sex?

So kinda heavy, but when I was a teenager I was sexually abused by my then boyfriend. It's left me with a lot of issues around relationships and sex. One thing that's kept me from dating since is that I know it would probably take me a long time, months even, to feel ready and comfortable to have sex, and I don't really think anyone would be willing to wait that long. But I'm wondering if this is true or just trauma. I'm bi so I would like opinions from both sides.
Updates:
+1 y
To people asking if I went to therapy for this, I was in therapy at the time because I was depressed and suicidal. I did talk about this, but it wasn't ever the main focus of my treatment. I thought I had worked through it, but something happened recently that brought him baco into my life and it's made me realize I didn't really work through it, I just buried it. Therapy isn't really an option at the moment though. I just want to know if I can ever have a normal relationship.
0 4

Most Helpful Girls

  • If someone won't wait for you to be ready, then they are not really good for a long term relationship. I have had plenty of guys not want to wait too long and they take off. I view them as just wanting sex and nothing serious.

    If they really wanted something serious, they would be willing to wait and build up trust and have some patience.

    There is not really a time line of what is too long, but adding more time (if that was the only issue) does not necessarily make it easier or better. There will come a point when waiting longer will have no effect if you just are not ready and will not be.

    You can have a normal relationship if you can find the right person, build up trust and have great communication. It will take some time, but a big part of that is how much time you spend together. If your only dating one or twice a week, it will take longer than if your together every free moment getting to know each other.

    When possible, I suggest you get back into therapy. I know it isn't easy though, either due to cost or time. There may be some programs that assist with cost, or if you have insurance through work they can cover some of that.

  • Long as I need to, it can easily take months. I'd have to know them, trust them, love them and for them to get tested and come up clean.

Most Helpful Guys

  • If after a while of dating somebody and you're able to comfortably open up about that and you feel the trust is there to tell him about it and he doesn't slow down or take the time respectfully until you're ready then he's not the guy that you need to be with. The girl I'm talking to was raped when she was younger and at first she was trying to tell me after about 3 months of talking to her when we were opening up a little bit nothing that we were going to do. That she would enjoy being slapped or spanked or choked and I was like where's this coming from not that I wouldn't do it for her pleasure but where is it coming from and then she told me she was raped and I said well why would you want that again and then she broke down crying and we haven't had sex or anything for 6 months we have only had handjobs or I've gone down on her and that was after 4 months of talking to her. I'm completely content with until she's ready

  • I waited until I proposed, but my wife was a virgin and so was I. For you, I can tell you that I have known several women who suffered sexual abuse and decided to wait until marriage to be sexual again, and it wound up destroying the marriage because all the negative emotions that hadn't been dealt with would come bubbling up.

    If you want to live your life with someone, and that person has a sex drive, you need to seek professional help to get you ok with the idea of sex. Therapy can do wonders.

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What Girls & Guys Said

0 16

  • It’s a mix really in my view.

    for me I really need an emotional connection to make the sex mean anything, and can wait a month or two until I feel ready for it.

    this can be off putting for the girl when she’s wanting but I’m going ‘can we wait’ lol

    i would say for most 2-3 months is fair, a lot depends on the relationship, how they are, how long Trust takes to develop, as a lot has to do with trust.

    Is it really worth dating someone that wants sex up front?

    • @dana646 yes you can, however it will take time and working out what works for you. I really would not discount counselling for this specific issue. Also tagging @aerissa_jade as she may have some insight for you.

  • Usually I would be happy to wait a month or two, but if we have a really great connection and I knew about your past I would be happy to wait longer and work through things with you. Any successful relationship is going to be based around communication not sex. This is probably a silly question but you've already had counselling for this, right?

  • There's no real time limit. It's just that when I think that you have no intention of having sex with me at all I'm probably done with the relationship. We can just be friends at that point.

  • UI am sure you will find somebody who will think you are worth the wait.

  • Well I waited 5 months in my first relationship

    Well I should be truthful here so she wanted 5 months before she got bored of me not making a move and just sprung it on me

    Probably an almost unlimited amount of time but then sex really isn't something that I care that much about at all

  • For the right person, I'd be willing to wait as long as it takes for both of us to be ready for sex. They would have to be fine with me masturbating, though.

  • I can wait up to 2 years for sex. I won't have sex with someone like you (nonvirgin) in under 3 months. My view is that I say that I am ready any time from the 3 month mark on and the girl can decide when she is.

  • Well I can wait for 2 to 4 months :)

  • I believe in determining sexual compatibility before marriage, but no issues waiting weeks to months

    • You can have a normal relationship, just takes time and an understanding boyfriend

  • You can wait a long time. Depends on what level of connection and what is expected of him.

  • Couple of months only

  • as long as you feel comfortable and ready to do it with a person you trust and love you could do it when you and they want.
    you know your own body and i think you know what it feels like when you love someone. but have the person you are to be intimate with to know your history as well.

  • Its not about time... but when you both are ready...
    Sorry to hear about what happened with u

  • Until marriage.

  • 30 seconds

  • You might need some theropy to work though that experience? But if you meet someone, and things seem to be getting serious, then this is something important that you should share with him. If he likes you, he won't "run" and it'll help him understand where you're coming from and why you might be acting the way you do (this could come out subconsciously in some of your actions or behaviors), and he won't take it personally.

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