Would you sleep with someone else anyway?

Question

I’m in a sexless marriage. We don’t even sleep in the same room anymore. My husband told me a few years ago that he’s aroused by women and their bodies, but he’s not aroused by women’s pussies. (We didn’t have a very good sex life, and that totally explains a lot.)

He still loves me and wants to stay with me, and he pushed the idea of an open relationship. I love my husband, but having a no intimacy relationship (like no sex, no cuddling, no sleeping with each other) is taking its toll, and honestly I feel deceived and stupid.

I finally say okay, signed up to a site, and found someone. I’m only interested in sex. I tell my husband and this other person every step of the way that I’m married, I’m only interested in a sexual encounter.

Husband says no. Now that someone else is interested, he’s not okay with it. We got into an argument over it, and he said that if I chose to proceed to not tell him. I’m so frustrated.

Would you go through with it anyway?

Markm3212 · Accepted Answer

firstly i am sorry to hear about your situation. this must be horrible and one of the worst things i could imagine happening in a relationship. its almost like you are a prisoner of your/his own making. to have a relationship is to have intimacy/sex/cuddles/love etc but to be in separate rooms and for him to openly admit that he doesn't get aroused by your body/pussy is kind of water on the fire of love/life/relationship.

to try and answer your question is impossible, only you will know if it is a good idea to have sex with someone else. unfortunately asking a load of GAG users will not get you the answer you are looking for.

it must be so frustrating to want sex and the closeness and intimacy that comes with it, and to be told by your husband that its ok to find this else where and for him to put the stoppers on it after finding a guy must be even harder. however i believe that he was doing that to be nice and thinking of your wants and his lack of ability (not sure if thats the right word but all i can think of at present). however when the cold light of day is there, he then realizes that, potentially this is the start of the end. if you go down that road (i personally) believe that there is no going back. we all like sex/intimacy/love etc and we crave it, to be wanted, to be loved, to be part of a family and protected. and to get some of that from another person, how long until you get all of that from one person and one place making it easier and more for filling?

i know that you say you love your husband, but for how long and how long can you last without the things that you crave. at the mo you are still communicating and loving, but soon that will turn to resentment and all the rest.

if it was me, i think that i would personally have a chat with him and lay it all out on the table. say to him, that you want permission to have sex with other people, its not a secretive thing as that would be cheating and he has agreed. give him ultimatums, do this or we will be in trouble, start doing this or we will again be in trouble etc. but personally i wouldn't have sex outside of marriage unless i was allowed.

hope it all works out for you and you get a happy medium. but remember, you have one life and to waste it on someone that doesn't treat/respect you for who you are and all you are, then you are wasting those great memory opportunities and life experiences

MrOracle · Accepted Answer

in my opinion, your husband is failing you, and that's not right (granted, we're only hearing your side of the story, but I'm assuming that you are telling the full truth here). What the two of you really need is marriage counselling - a third party who can root out the problems that you are keeping from each other and building up resentment about. Roughly 2/3 of the time, this can save a marriage and get it healthy again.

The other 1/3 of the time, the counsellor will recommend divorce, and should that be the case, it would be the best thing for both of you. It might not be easy, but it would need to get done, just like you'd have to drop everything and deal with it if you or he got cancer or were in a terrible car crash or something.

What will NOT fix it is cheating. If your husband HONESTLY was fine with you seeking sex elsewhere, then PERHAPS it could work, but he still has feelings for you, so if you go out and cheat, you'll hurt him and divorce will go from a possibility to a certainty, and it will be a lot uglier than it needs to be.

I have sympathy for you - again, it seems clear that HE is failing to uphold his vows and duties here - but two wrongs doesn't make a right. There is a right way to address these things, and that is marriage counselling. Find a counsellor - make sure they are working with both of you (and if they aren't, dump them and find another one who will), and work the tasks they ask of you. If it still doesn't work out, then an amicable divorce is the proper way forward.

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

If I was a sex addict and my husband didn't want to sleep with me, I would divorce him and then eat whatever I wanted. But if my husband said he wouldn't leave me and I couldn't stop having sex, I would consider the only option I have, the men in my husband's family. But if I look at it from your point of view, if your husband loves you and does not want to leave you, then instead of giving it to other men, simply give it to your brother-in-law or father-in-law. Your secret stays in the family and no one notices it.

Ez-Bri-Z · Accepted Answer

No, but I would give serious consideration to maybe ending the marriage if I was that miserable.

RobT312 · Answer

Sounds like a tough marriage.
I can’t even imagine love without intimacy too.
if you were both fine with just companionship then ok. But obviously you are not.
if it were me I’d go for it and go have sex, and would ultimately have to end the marriage if things didn’t change

ohshee · Answer

This is a very hard question because I'm not in your shoes well kind of LOL I absolutely understand where you're coming from well where you want to come from anyway LOL sorry I had to say that anyway I agree with you I'm single at the moment and I'm a very very passionate giving person when it comes to sex and romance and fucking and having sex we all have an energy within us and when you understand this and you can touch somebody else's energy and makes me feel it it is the most beautiful intense feeling ever that I have ever had or did I ever given to somebody and it's just absolutely beautiful and being single craving this is driving me crazy it's a little bit different in your shoes because you're married what sucks is he got the ball rolling and now all the sudden wants to take it away from you I think what I would do if I was you and I'm not telling you to do this or anything I'm just try this first since I am single and since covid-19 I don't really go out searching anymore I do get into role plays and also phone sex and I can tell you this it's going to be hard to believe you probably won't believe it but it's the truth 100% the truth if you understand energy but you can have phone sex and it will be better than any sex you've ever had in your life the orgasms will be better than any orgasms you had in. And I can h e a r you laughing but I'm telling you you have to experience it to understand it the try those two things out first you have the internet. hell get a hold of me. LOL a voice said in order to understand something you have to experience it but you're in a catch-22 type of thing I can tell you other ways around it but I can't give you the answer that you're probably looking for if you weren't married it's something very simple you can do it but experience something before you go out and do the real thing

StrongMale · Answer

Hi there,
What a terrible dilemma! The way I see it, you have two options:
1. Cut your losses and file for divorce so you can find a man who will love you and WANT to have sex with you.
or
2. Just go ahead with arranging discreet sexual encounters with other men and keep it to yourself. Just protect yourself from STDs.

And just for the record, vaginas are beautiful!

Mantinziza · Answer

why the fuck did you get married?

Berethor · Answer

It's a mess.

Aurora1010 · Answer

I would get divorced if I was you

NathanDavis · Answer

no, I would not even... ever marry in the first place, without knowing about this "minor" detail... had I been "deceived" anyway, divorce is the option

Miristheiss · Answer

No.  He said no.  Divorce is really your only option.

Citizenkirk · Answer

Your husband is a douchebag. My grandparents slept in separate rooms for decades but Grandpa was never like that to Grandma. They just didn't have sex anymore.

Bricealan · Answer

Based on what you describe, yes, I would go on with it. I know you said you love your husband, and I understand, but you have to consider that you many become attached to the new partner and want to end your marriage based on that, or at least modify you living arrangement with your husband.
I had the same condition, as my girlfriend became VERY interested in her on-line sex partners and I became somewhat jealous, even though she and I still did have sex.
A cousin, that I am very close with had a similar situation when she was newly married, and sought out two other sex partners that lasted over several years, as I understood her to say, and she was very attached to the other men, but did not leave her husband, and I am not sure if she still regrets that

AviatorTom · Answer

You have to decide if intimacy (sex) is that important to you, and if not, you may want to end the marriage. It's not a good idea to have sex with another guy when your husband doesn't like that... that will inevitably end up in divorce.

Perhaps you might consider masturbating to satisfy your sexual urge. And maybe, if you're lucky, your husband can masturbate with you... you say he's aroused by women's bodies so maybe you can enhance things by watching porn together. Can't hurt to suggest it.

Dragonpurple · Answer

This is totally me, I'm going through a divorce right now cause several months ago my wife said she was Asexual and no longer wanted to have sex ever again. She was not open to the idea of a open marriage and just expected me to go along with it.

The last year we barely did anything and when I did she wasn't much more than a doll, which she said she would be willing to do but that's no fun, her just laying there and letting me do my thing.

I totally get where you are coming from, and it is a very tough choice. If you do proceed then honor his wishes and don't tell him.

If you do not want to do the divorce, then your options are no sex ever again or to go through with it.

I like sex too much to do the never again option so I would.

It almost sounds like he might be gay and not realize if he doesn't like pussies, that just seems odd.

I'm sorry this is happening to you, but best of wishes and good luck.

FilmGuy93 · Answer

He said that if you choose to proceed; don't tell him. That... almost... sounds like permission.  The whole situation sucks... is there any reason you can't get a divorce?

TheSpaceGnome · Answer

Get a divorce.

Marry someone who's not going to fall short in love or sexual affection.

He's not being honest, if it was just about the way a pussy looks, he'd still want sex, or at least making out and cuddling, because there are other things to look at during the act.

He is either gay, or he doesn't think you are attractive as a whole, or he is cheating and plans to leave.

If it was something like not wanting kids, he'd still want blowjobs/handjobs, cuddles, making out, sleeping in the same bed, etc.

awkward_author · Answer

I would divorce him and have sex with someone else.

VikingWarLord · Answer

This is how your typical MONOGAMOUS MARRIAGE ends up. I tell people NEVER GET MARRIED AND NEVER MOVE IN!

Monogamy ruins sex and romance. The best thing you can do now, is read the book "SEX AT DAWN" by Cacilda Jetha and Christopher Ryan and expand your mind.

OmegaSTC · Answer

As a psychologist, the way I see it, you’re heading to three options:
1 you decide you’re okay with your marriage the way it is, start seeing this guy. You realize how much you love the physical part of the relationship and eventually catch feelings (for him or someone). The marriage doesn’t last much longer
2 you give him the ultimatum of going to a therapist with you and building a real marriage, or you get divorced.
3 you understand now that your marriage is being roommates with a good friend, and only a marriage on paper. Marriage is based on romance. No romance, no marriage. You get divorced

so sorry you’re in such a trying spot. I speak bluntly for lack of room for longer answers and also because sparing feelings in a very serious conversation is a way to keep you where you are. Something has to change by your hand, our the changes that happen will be out of your hands

PAcc92 · Answer

Men: "We want sex"
Women: "OH MUH GOD MEN ARE SUCH PIGS"

Women: "We want sex"
Women: "Oh my god, like sex is a HUMAN RIGHT, everything I WANT IS A HUMAN RIGHT!"

Either you are a troll, or women are a fucking joke.

Staximus · Answer

Time to get divorced

whatsthereinname · Answer

Can we talk over it?

Would you sleep with someone else anyway?

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