Am I the arsehole if I leave?

[Anonymous]

This is a long story but bare with me.

My partner (m) and myself (f) have been together for nearly 6 years now. 2 years in I found out he was on dating sites talk to men! He told me he was just looking as he was curious. I said fair enough as long as you wasn't meeting anyone but I don't like fact he was on dating sites and not just porn sites, he agreed he wouldn't go on the dating sites again!
Six months pass (if that) and I find out he's been talking to someone on Facebook, another man, but this time it turns out he's been talking to this man for years (at this point we over 2 years into the relationship) I tell him that it's cheating he's basically had an affair in my eyes! He tells me that is was an accident, he was just curious and it was only because I was working nights at the time he done that (I used to work 12 hour night shifts). This hurt us for a while but we worked through it a lot of trust was lost but we worked through it,
About a yr later I find him back on dating sites talking to men!
I really do love this man but he's breaking my heart. He's convinced he's straight and he doesn't like men he won't even admit to being bisexual to me but on his dating site that he showed me when I confronted him he said he's bisexual on there. And now I just feel like I'm waiting for him to do it again.
Now I wake up in the middle of the night to him watching gay porn, he's never once cheated with a woman!
I can't talk about it with him or how I feel because he turns it around and tells me I don't realise how hard it is for him and how hurt he is about it all and how it was all one big accident. How heart broken he is by it all.

But my main point to this is. I love this man with all my heart and I want things to work out we've been through to much to just walk away now, but I can't stomach the thought of him with a man, am I stupid to believe he means it when he says he is straight, I can't keep getting my heart broken,

I really don't know what to do I feel so done

[Freiburger]

There's four breaches of the relationship that I can see here:
1. He was on dating sites while he was in a relationship.
2. Four years ago he promised not to go on dating sites, and he broke that promise about eighteen months later.
3. He had an affair through texting, which may actually predate your relationship with him.
4. He has lied about his sexual orientation.

Issues #1-3 took place some time ago. Has he been on dating sites since the time you confronted him three and a half years ago? If the actions were not "breakup worthy" three and a half years ago, then it's a bit strange that you would consider breaking up over them now - three and a half years after the fact. You have also not mentioned him actually meeting any of the men he was talking to, so I assume that this all was happening in the digital realm.

Issue #4 is quite complicated. You haven't discussed your sex life with him, so I assume that he is sexually attracted to you and that sex is mutually enjoyable. In addition, if he was not attracted to women sexually, we can assume that unless he had a very good reason he would have ended the relationship himself by now. Therefore, it is safe to assume that he is sexually attracted to you and to women generally. However, based on his behaviour on dating sites and the kind of pornography he is watching it is probable that he is attracted to men as well.

Is being attracted both to men and women grounds to end a relationship? In and of itself, I would argue "no". However, if you are dating a bisexual man, then the exact same standard should apply to their behaviour with men as applies to women. If long romantic letters to another woman would count as infidelity for you, then so should long romantic letters to a man. If he is not allowed to have sex with other women, then he shouldn't be having sex with other men. On the other side, if he is allowed to watch hetrosexual pornography then he should be allowed to watch gay pornography as well. The issue appears to be that he has not completely accepted that he is sexually interested in men, and the conversations regarding these boundaries haven't happened. It also appears that he has been leading a double life, and you don't know where you stand.

I'm inclined to be forgiving of him for lying about this, since it is a difficult subject matter and he appears to also be lying to himself (which he will have to reckon with eventually). However, a result of his lies there has been a massive breakdown in trust. I think it is possible that with enough love, patience and hard work (including from him) that you can repair this. However, if you don't think that you can manage it - you should certainly end it now. If you do decide to call time on this relationship, please do make clear that you are not leaving him because you think he is gay, or because he is attracted to men. Rather, the reason you are leaving is because you have stopped trusting him because he has been living a double life.

[DonkeyDan]

He is clearly very confused about his sexuality and I can understand that it is infact upsetting to him, but that doesn't make it ok that he's putting you through this. I think you need to give him an ultimatum, either he decides he is straight and cuts all of this crap out for good, or he admits he is bisexual and deals with it. Offer to help him through it if you do love him that much. Maybe if it is too much for you to cope with then it would be totally understandable for you to keave him, but is sounds like you want to help him so you can stay and continue the relationship, but you have to be there for him for that to happen.

[RobT312]

Obviously he is bi or bi curious. While he did not actually cheat on you, his actions are disrespectful to you. The relationship is unfair to you.
the problem isn’t going away, you should leave him and let him go do his man thing.
If you still love him, Maybe you can work things out and start over once he finds out who he is

[Rixon]

Thats cheating even if it is with man and him being not discontinuing what he is already doing, you would need to think on the future of this relationship.

[Dargil]

I think you have tolerated too much as it is.
Time to go.

[CoolGuy7532]

It's an unfortunate situation. It sounds like he is bi. You shouldn't waste any more time with him. You should move on with your life.

[Twalli]

You're not an asshole for leaving.