27F, told I’m attractive but impossible to find someone, what gives?

[Anonymous]

I’ve always assumed that it’s because I haven’t met the right one. I feel like most people get into relationships so easily & thought that meeting someone that checks off my boxes would change my views. I feel like I have the sexual maturity of a 15 year old. I haven’t had sex in almost four years & don’t really care about it. Masturbating also doesn’t do anything for me which is why I was considering getting a vibrator. When I hear people talk about their sex drives & women my age talking about dick dick etc I just can’t relate lol. Even when I was 15 and girls were talking about guys I always felt very innocent I still am. I don’t think it’s lack of sexual attraction, if a guy checked my boxes physically and personality wise I think I would get some kind of intimate desire but maybe not full blown sex. I’m almost thirty with a very very very brief relationship under my belt and this is a. I’ll also add that I was raised by my gma during these pivotal years who is super catholic and judgy, would also call girls I knew in HS loose/slutty so I know that rubbed off on me.

I will say I’m unlucky, I don’t think dating is this hard for the average person. In fact, most people have it easy as long as they’re attractive. Since I’ve been on dating apps on and off for years, that’s the only way I’ve met people but I just never catch a break. The one time I saw someone short term, it felt like settling because no one else gave me attention & he wasn’t physically attractive to me but treated me okay. I always get pursued by the ones I don’t want, if they’re attractive they’re dicks or there’s no connection OR if they’re good looking but decent personality they’re too short for me.

I really don’t have a desire to be social and meet people in person, it’s so hard to make friends. I’ve never met someone through a friend like most have, I don’t know if even having a dating app profile is worth it. I’ve tried bumble but it didn’t change my luck, I wanted to be more in control.

[MrOracle]

"What gives" is that you haven't made being in a relationship a priority - you've made other things your priority instead. I don't know you, obviously, but it's probably college, career, or just "having fun with friends", but you've definitely NOT made finding a relationship partner a priority in your life.

Second, you are prioritizing the wrong things when trying to find a partner. That's fine if you're still in high school and have lots of time to make mistakes and learn from them, but that's less fine at 27. You won't want to hear this - you may deny its truth and you might even call me names for telling this to you, but it won't change the truth: women value men for their looks, wealth/resources, ability to protect, and confidence, but men value women for their YOUTH, beauty, and fertility.

Average Social Market Value (SMV), by sex and age

Notice that I did NOT list "education, career, or experience" in that list. Men and women value very different things, and this is relevant to you because you still have youth - which means you have high value as a potential life partner to men right now - but that youth is slipping away, and the longer you take to act, the less value you will have to the market of men looking for a partner, which means you'll have less and less ability to attract the better men. And there's NOTHING you can do to offset your lack of youth - no diploma, no career, no amount of money, no nice house or expensive vacations can replace it. So... to get the best partner, you need to work quickly, while youth is still on your side.

You also need to rid yourself of the "handsome prince" fairy tale mindset. The kinds of men that most women find the MOST attractive are exactly the kind of men who tend to make the worst partners - yes, they're good-looking, very successful, and powerful, but that also tends to make them selfish, self-centered, entitled, and promiscuous. They might give you "the butterflies" in your stomach just looking at them, and they might score high on the "Instagram value system", but they're not going to be the kind of men who are going to make good husbands and/or fathers.

The good husbands and fathers will be men with high morals. They usually aren't the most handsome, or the most successful in business, and a lot of women tend to consider them "boring" because they are predicable and dependable - they can be counted on to do the right thing in almost any circumstance. That's not "exciting", but life comes with plenty of excitement, and the point of a life partner is to share your times of joy together, and to help each other through the hard times, and while "exciting" is desirable in the beginning, it's rarely a good trait long-term.

It may be fun to rent a convertible Mustang 5.0L V8 for a week in the summer, but if you live in a northern snow state, and if good gas mileage is what you need, and you've got to keep that car for a decade and drive it in all seasons, then that's a disaster of a car choice for the long term. A pickup or a small SUV might be "boring", but it will get you places reliably in all situations and it won't break the bank doing so. Teens who don't know any better tend to buy the convertible Mustang because it's fun and good-looking at first - adults tend to buy the pickup or SUV, because they have a much better understanding of prioritizing long-term concerns over short-term ones.

[MrOracle]

Oh, and also, get OFF your phone, delete the dating apps, and go OUTSIDE and meet men locally IN PERSON. Dating apps aren't for dating (and a handful of exceptions doesn't change the rule) - they're for casual sex hookups, and are treated as such by most people who use them. The other common use is to "meet" guys who live far away from you, who you'll rarely if ever see in person, and then "think" you are "dating" because you text each other. That's bullshit. If you aren't spending time in the same room with the person at least 2 days a week on average, you aren't "dating", you're just wasting time. in my opinion, you need to figure out what you REALLY want - what your long-term life goals REALLY are - and then start taking REAL action in the REAL WORLD very quickly, while you still have a significant advantage. While your chances of finding a man after 30 are not zero, they definitely get worse every year, and what's even more important from your perspective is that the highest SMV of man that you'll be able to attract will go down every year - it's like inflation, where the same dollar buys less over time.

[MCheetah]

"I haven’t had sex in almost four years & don’t really care about it. Masturbating also doesn’t do anything for me which is why I was considering getting a vibrator."

This sounds like most women I've met. Most women I've talked to don't even like sex. It's like they treat it like a chore for their man or something. Sex is completely irrelevant for them. So I wouldn't say this is uncommon or rare at all for women (SUPER rare for men, though).

It's also really annoying that you're calling yourself "unlucky" when you say you're highly attractive looking, can get any man you want, have really high standards ("meeting someone that checks off all my boxes"), and assumes "dating isn't hard for the average person" but also say that you have to close as good-looking as you to find someone (most people, especially the "average person" are not attractive looking). You even dismissed an average person because you found him ugly and boring despite him treating you really well. ("No one else gave me attention & he wasn’t physically attractive to me" or "if they’re good looking and decent personality, they’re too short for me").

No offense, but everything about your personality displayed here annoys me. You come off shallow, judgmental, entitled, arrogant, and self-victimizing. Are we really supposed to feel sorry for the woes of a highly picky, super-attractive woman who looks down at us "average" plebs for being hideous, but "can still find someone without much effort." That's not even true! No guy less than a 7 in looks and under six feet tall will be able to find anyone on a dating app! It's rigged for like 80-90% of men! Thank GOD you don't want to date anyone! I feel sorry for the hypothetical man you'd use and dump once bored!

God, after reading this, I'm glad to be one of the 'short uggos' you wouldn't waste your time on! Either way, being asexual is usually good in today's dating climate, but far more so for men. People suck... As evidenced here. Not having to worry about horniness or romance would be the best thing ever for me. I'm not "lucky" enough to have your "problems."

[Asker]

I never said I could have any man I want, hence I can’t since I’m always single. I’m just quoting the people that have complimented me

[Phoenix-gb]

I've put haven't met the right one, but part of that is it does look like you have rigid preferences that you aren't willing to move on. You wisely dodged the guys acting like jerks, but left the guy who was treating you well because he wasn't as attractive as you wanted (were you actively repulsed by him?) or turned away guys with good personalities and decent looks over something as arbitrary as height.

If you're happy trying to hold out for someone who ticks all your boxes then that's fine, I still hope you find them, but you're potentially missing out on some great people who might otherwise be able to provide what you're looking for by dropping some of those boxes entirely.

[Indyrugby]

I'm going to go with "you haven't met the right one yet". With the very limited background information you shared Ii would say that option is the most likeliest. But i already have some more questions coming to mind before I could feel comfortable with the best answer.

[Adam1978]

So turn the table, and pick someone you think are a good choice. The fact is that good people is busy and pick very few girls to go after. While people who doesn't care go for everyone more or less. So obviously that makes most pursuer bad purely statistical.

[Citizenkirk]

I think you are overthinking it. Walk up to a guy and tell him you like him. It's as easy and awkward as all that.

[convo_king89]

Either scarasim or ur personality

[Zlantur2]

Maybe there are some that like you but are shy to tell you.