Should I feel guilty over this? How do I stop fantasising about this?

[Anonymous]

TW: SA & SH
This is hard for me to explain so I'm sorry if I'm not completely clear.
I was sexually assaulted when I was little. It affected my childhood massively and led to me being groomed by older men, which I blamed myself for, and used self harm as a form of punishment.
I've stopped self harming about a year ago, which was hard but I'm proud I managed to do.
Lately I've been having fantasies of being that little kid again and getting sexually assaulted and raped by an older guy I looked up to. I seem to enjoy it in the fantasy and I keep thinking about it. I feel extremely guilty whenever I think about it. I've cried and thrown up over how sick it makes me feel. I ended up relapsing.
I want to know why this is happening, should I feel guilty over it, and how I can stop it.
I really thought I was getting better.

[LingyRolls]

I was also used sexually by an older guy for a few years. According to society it was wrong and technically rape. However, I never truly felt that bad about it until I was told to as I got older. I went through something similar and I felt sick with what had happened to me. But then I looked back honestly and when I blocked how I "should" feel out of my mind... it just wasn't as bad as I was being told it was. Evaluate it for yourself and don't feel bad because you're being told to. For me it wasn't a terrible experience and I remember it fondly actually. Stay true to your own feelings and don't let society dictate how you feel. When there is a sharp divide between those two things, that's when you experience the distress you're feeling

[ChillDad]

If you could change it would you?

[Asker]

Its not necessarily society dictating how I feel, it genuinely makes me feel horrible. It effected almost every aspect of my life, I was afraid to even let my dad touch me. I want to know how I can stop having these thoughts.

[RebeccaBI2000]

You should not feel guilty over it and hopefully your parents know what happened. You need to be in therapy to help with this and not blame yourself for any of this. I had a friend who did the Same thing and had it happen to her as well

[ChrisMaster69]

Did you have counselling (therapy) when this was first reported or you just self coped all these years?

This is the type of thing you need to discuss with a trained counsellor, one specialising in this area.

There are various coping strategies and ways to avoid triggers.

Also are you keeping a journal, as this would be helpful for any counsellor.

Also you are not going crazy with the fantasy side of things, it does happen and our brains do really crap stuff to us at times.

Dont get overly freaked out about your fantasies, get some professional counselling (therapy) and they will help you develop coping strategies and what to do.

this is fairly common response by your brain.

[ChrisMaster69]

Also if you are in the US, get in touch with these.

https://www.rainn.org/

[Asker]

I've just been self coping I do keep a journal Thank you, I really needed to hear that

[Asker]

Thank you

[ChrisMaster69]

No problem, if you can contact RAINN, they will giv better advice than you get on here. Also be aware of people trying to talk about it, they are likely just wanting to get off over it

[Asker]

Okay, thank you so much I'll watch out for them

[ChrisMaster69]

@ Pink Anon, thank you for MHG, most appreciated. Did you manage to get something sorted? If not get at it and contact a support organisation, it’s what they are there for

[Asker]

No, thank you for commenting I have not contacted them yet, I'm working up to it.

[ChrisMaster69]

@ Pink, we’ll work faster, there are a number of ways. That very first step is the hardest. I have seen it so many time at the counselling centre I worked at, young adults and young teens making that first Initial Appointment, admittedly it’s free in the UK.

[crmoore]

I don't think anybody should feel guilty for their feelings (including liking something), as those or innate, they weren't a choice and you can't change them. How you react to those feelings is different. Being mad isn't wrong, but shattering a vase as a result is.

Obviously this is a controversial subject so I'm sure a lot of people won't be fond of my answer, but as long as some sort of sexual escapade remains either fantasy or consensually roleplayed between two people, I don't believe it is wrong or worthy of guilt to indulge. I obviously don't support inflicting suffering onto others, but you don't appear to be doing that. So I don't think you should feel guilty at all.

[SkipPerk]

You need professional help. I am a survivor as well. Working through these issues takes time.

if you ever feel the desire to engage in sexual conduct with a minor, go straight to the Emergency Room

[Asker]

I don't feel the desire to do that with a minor, but thanks

[sensible27]

Maybe it makes you feel powerless and you enjoy that part of it because if you are powerless it exudes you from responsibility and moral obligations

There's this quote in a book.. somewhere along the lines of "I'm morally responsible for everything I do thus I'm free"

[Wise4myage]

You need to be in therapy.

[Asker]

I can't afford it

[Wise4myage]

Look around, their are affordable therapies.

[Asker]

I'm already struggling with money

[ChillDad]

Never feel guilty for liking what you like. You can't control that. Don't worry what others think.

[Asker]

It's not about what others think, It makes me sick when I think about it. I want to know how to stop.

[noohair]

Where are your parents?
Ask for psychological help.
You were abused and you should not feel guilt.

[Asker]

How would I ask for help? I've kept it a secret for a long time.

[noohair]

Talk to someone you trust. Teacher, Parent or Clergy.

[Anonymous]

You have no reason to feel guilty for something that was done to you. What happened was not your fault. If you have a counsellor at school, they may be able to help if you cannot afford therapy.