Partner is away, feels distant and we haven't had sex in ages, how long is too long?

[Anonymous]

So back story is, we used to have a lot of sex like 2-3 times a week or more. We moved in together and ended up with it being more like once a week. Which was ok as well and felt about right and that I can live with.

in the past month she would end up coming home from work tired and just not wanting to do anything, when it came to the evening when she was more awake, she started saying it was late or she just wanted to relax. so we didn't have sex for 2 weeks or so, she had a holiday booked to visit family as she is a teacher and it's her only time off. So we were meant to do something the night before she was flying, teased me till it became night and she ended up saying she was tired again so didn't do anything, said about a HJ, gave me one but it just wasn't the same.. and went off on holiday.

While one holiday, it's coming to an end she said about not masturbating for the week and both agreed and that when she is back on Friday she wants me badly. Had a call today and she just got her period so will be on it for a few days now while back, has said once she is off it she just simply wants cuddles/and just to relax before going back to work. So it could be till the weekend after we actually do anything if she is tired again from work.

The thing is that we both are physical people who find intimacy through touch etc. while on the call earlier she said she felt a bit distant as we haven't done anything in ages, I feel kind of the same. When she writes by text she is a cold typer, no emojis, hearts, love you's which I am guessing doesn't help, but not having sex doesn't help either, by time we may actually do something it is probably going to be a month or so

My question is how long is too long to not have sex? especially if physical touch is a love language for both of you?

[DonkeyDan]

This sounds like a real issue, I'm assuming she is the same age as you, yet she is constantly tired, particularly that she is too tired for sex, but not so tied that the 2 of you can still do other things together?
This isn't normal for someone active of this age. Have you considered asking her to go to the doctor's?
Do you feel there is something wrong and she is using this as an excuse bot to do anything?
Sorry but this seems like some red flags to me, I'm not buying the I'm too tired routine, been there on the approach to the end of a relationship.
And what's with not being able to have sex while on her period?

[Asker]

It's a bit all over the place, she one day tells me it's because I haven't initiated it then when I do says it's because she is tired and is sorry. I do understand some of the times due to her work being stressful and she sleeps most evenings, if I had her job as well so would I. Tells me half the time she feels bad and doesn't want me to be sexually unsatisfied. On the other hand, she is also telling me she feels distant due to not having sex/missing the physical side of it and has also told me that while away. It feels like I can't win..

[DonkeyDan]

Yep, been there, it didn't last long after that. You need to seriously sit sown and talk this out and find some middle ground before it tears relationship apart.

[Asker]

I talked to her just now, she tried to hint at going to the hotel earlier while we were away but when I didn't catch on didn't try to pursuit it and apologized as looking back she should have. With marking papers etc. she did say she was tired and the stress just didn't put her in the mood to do anything and it's been extra stressful at work due to GCSE students, which I can understand. The day before going away she was stressed/tired after packing and stressed about the airport, apparently they stress her out and she didn't say anything. She didn't mean to say she felt distant and was just tired/moody when she said that and was also sorry, seems like she has been sad these past few days/felt a bit distant due to being sad about her grandad having dementia, looking after him and just didn't say anything till now. Will see how Friday goes, after saying about how she told me she would feel something was wrong if it was longer than a month of no intimacy she understood while I was feeling like this, didn't realize it was as bad as she thought and how long it had been. So when she is back we are dedicating Friday/the weekend to catching up/intimacy

[DonkeyDan]

Good, hope it all goes to plan for you guys, and you get back on track. Stress is a big problem for libido, maybe see if there are things you can do to help her out, make sure she knows she can lean on you when needed and things are getting on tip of her, that kind of thing.

[RobT312]

Well this doesn’t sound like fun.
id talk with her before assuming anything. It definitely doesn’t sound normal though... you sound like a very old married couple , tired with kids, or a lost sex drive.

my girlfriend and I moved in together right before Covid, once we moved in together, we actually had more sex. I’m surprised that wasn’t the case for you and your girlfriend !

[Asker]

at first it was we had quite a bit, then it's just died off... it's gone from 3-2 times/1 time a week to literally nothing... I get she is tired/stressed a lot due to her work that she can't change but it kind of killing our sex side of the relationship. It also doesn't help when I am worried and confused when she is one minute telling me to initiate more, then telling me she is tired to then telling me lets do it this time then saying she is tired to then saying we don't have enough and she is starting to feel slightly distant

[RobT312]

Sounds like the problem is her to be honest. Very mixed signals. You should speak to her with the points you mentioned here. Stress can be difficult to deal with, may be part of the problem, and she prob needs to resolve that

[Asker]

I talked to her just now, she tried to hint at going to the hotel earlier while we were away but when I didn't catch on didn't try to pursuit it and apologized as looking back she should have. With marking papers etc. she did say she was tired and the stress just didn't put her in the mood to do anything and it's been extra stressful at work due to GCSE students, which I can understand. The day before going away she was stressed/tired after packing and stressed about the airport, apparently they stress her out and she didn't say anything. She didn't mean to say she felt distant and was just tired/moody when she said that and was also sorry, seems like she has been sad these past few days/felt a bit distant due to being sad about her grandad having dementia, looking after him and just didn't say anything till now. Will see how Friday goes, after saying about how she told me she would feel something was wrong if it was longer than a month of no intimacy she understood while I was feeling like this, didn't realize it was as bad as she thought and how long it had been. So when she is back we are dedicating Friday/the weekend to catching up/intimacy

[RobT312]

👍👍sounds like a good start. My girlfriend and I talk about everything, we found it really helps to keep our relationship and sex strong

[Asker]

Yep I think we need to do that more often on both sides, seems like we don't talk enough about our feelings. Thanks for the advice, as an added bonus she has said it's the first time she has been away by herself and missed someone so much, especially seeing her family and that being with me now feels like home and she doesn't think she can go without me next time. Always nice to hear, so in a good mood :D

[boggboss]

And have you told her how u feel

[Asker]

yep, she just tells me she feels sorry and bad, she is just tired a lot from work and just wants to rest, feels bad we didn't get to do anything before she went, was looking forward to doing something when she gets back but has to wait now and is really tired from the holiday so she just wants to relax and rest now. I get the wanting to rest part so it can't be helped, she has another year before she can change her job and it's mostly what kills the passion the other times. Just wondered if I should leave it and wait for now or say how I feel a bit more when she is back.

[Asker]

not sure if it's because I am masturbating more or not... but ever felt like you haven't had sex in a while, that your desire/sex drive for it kind of dies off?

[boggboss]

Obviously voice your concerns sooner rather then later

[Asker]

I talked to her just now, she tried to hint at going to the hotel earlier while we were away but when I didn't catch on didn't try to pursuit it and apologized as looking back she should have. With marking papers etc. she did say she was tired and the stress just didn't put her in the mood to do anything and it's been extra stressful at work due to GCSE students, which I can understand. The day before going away she was stressed/tired after packing and stressed about the airport, apparently they stress her out and she didn't say anything. She didn't mean to say she felt distant and was just tired/moody when she said that and was also sorry, seems like she has been sad these past few days/felt a bit distant due to being sad about her grandad having dementia, looking after him and just didn't say anything till now. Will see how Friday goes, after saying about how she told me she would feel something was wrong if it was longer than a month of no intimacy she understood while I was feeling like this, didn't realize it was as bad as she thought and how long it had been. So when she is back we are dedicating Friday/the weekend to catching up/intimacy