Sexual Relationships
+1 y

Im uncomfortable performing my girlfriend's sexual fantasies. I think theyre abusive/degrading towards her, but she loves them. What should I do?

Im uncomfortable performing my girlfriends sexual fantasies. I think theyre abusive/degrading towards her, but she loves them. What should I do?
I feel very confused about my girlfriend's sexual kinks. She absolutely loves doing stuff that is super degrading towards herself. She absolutely loves the 50 Shades of Grey BDSM stuff and she wants me to be the dominant every time while she's the submissive. She gets super turned on when I call her 'whore' or 'slut' during sex (but she'd hate it if I called her that any other time). She also loves it when I 'make' her beg for me to do (or for her to do to me) various sexual acts. She loves it when I essentially act like I'm forcing myself on her while she's powerless to stop me. I say that I 'act like' I'm forcing myself on her because I'd stop whenever she asks, but she really does love it when I'm aggressive with her and boss her around during sex to do whatever I feel like (and again, she wants me to be 'forceful' about it). The only time she ever wants any kind of control in those situations is when she wants me to do BDSM 50 shades of grey stuff on her, and then she wants to act like she has no choice while we're having sex. Moreover, whenever I've suggested we reverse the roles (just to change things up a bit) she obviously just does it because I asked and tries to go back to me being the dominant, controlling one and her being the submissive and powerless one.

I feel super weird because I feel uncomfortable doing a lot of these things because I'd think they'd be harmful towards her. However, she loves it when we do that stuff. Even though I feel uncomfortable I don't want to ask to stop because that's the sexual stuff we do she bar far loves the most.

Is the fact my girlfriend gets so much sexual pleasure from me acting like an abuser and her acting like a victim indicative of any underlying problems? Also, what do I do about being uncomfortable about performing her sexual fantasies because I feel like they're degrading to her even though she loves them? Should I tell her 'no' or should I just do them anyways?
Updates:
+1 y
Also, whenever we role play she wants to act out situations situations where I'm abusing her character. For example, she'll want to do a role play where she's a sex slave and I'm the master or I'm some powerful man coercing whatever her character is into having sex with me (kind of like Harvey Weinstien). It's just kind of weird (and a little disturbing) she gets so sexually aroused acting out situations where my character is abusing her character.
1 1

Superb Opinion

  • Your comfort is as important as her pleasure, especially during kink scenes.

    It would be worth seeing if there's a sex therapist or coach or someone who could help the two of you get on the same page, if possible.

    You don't need to force yourself, but you should also talk to your girlfriend openly and honestly about this. Perhaps a shift in mindset is all that's needed, but that can be very difficult and sometimes isn't the answer.

    Kink play, BDSM, and roleplay are demanding on you as the dom. It's important for her as a sub to recognize this and to respect your boundaries and feelings.

    My ex was likewise a bit more meek than I wanted him to be, but through effort, communication, patience, and time - and a willingness on his part despite his extremely cautious nature - helped a lot.

    But communicate.
    And take time to genuinely think about what you can and can't do, and what you're willing to do. Your boundaries matter. Your experience matters. She's not the only one in this scene, you're there, too.

    Connect with your local kink community, or find a sex therapist, and talk with your girlfriend seriously. All goes well, it'll lead to even better and less awkward fun times for the both of you.

Most Helpful Girl

  • Do you enjoy doing them at least a little? Are there stuff that she wants and you enjoy too?
    You can focus more on them.

Most Helpful Guys

  • You have been 'blessed' to be loved by a GENUINE 'Submissive' who's earliest sexual experiences were coercively imprinted by someone she had trusted, conjoined to their earliest repeated intense sexual orgasms. She may also have been conditioned for humiliation & exhibitionism.

    They've been conditioned to feel they're only free to become their truest Self by sexually subservience and have 'gifted' you with THAT exceptionally rare Role of beloved Dominant. You may placate her appetite partially... by obtaining a bluetooth controlled in-panty vibrator

    If you find this untenable, rest assured she will find NO difficulty in soliciting your Alternate.
    If you truly love her, either adjust or assist her in locating someone capable of cherishing her deeply-ingrained Submissive conditioning without imposing genuine abuse!

    MOST males I know, myself included, would KILL to be in your enviable circumstances~
    I myself have been trained, by a professional Toronto Dominatrix

  • How’s your sleep❓Wrinkle lines and puffy eyes recently❓ Let’s say I’ve been there as strong, built, not hard to look out, and fairly smart 20-24.-With a woman twice my age. I didn’t know she was married until it was all over and I was in grad school. Turned our her husband was on Ship overseas for 3 years.-that was not a good day when I found that out.
    The whole thing shocked me at first but I grew to like it actually.-She knew/sensed things about me I didn’t know. She was obviously acting out some things she had been dreaming up…
    —Can’t your partner sense your hesitation ❓Are you sure she does not want a little bit of the Leader in public thing too? Decide what she’s going to order one time or at least speak on her behalf…. puppy dog or raging fire eyes🙃
    Sounds like you just got thrown all up into it. I was “baby stepped” into it…. Im pretty sure mine was more physical than yours. You may be heading that way…❓

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What Girls & Guys Said

1 19

  • I had a relationship like that. We went from being very equal partners during sex, to her trying to force me into BDSM and abuse simulation type of sexual behaviors.
    I hated it to be honest. I see myself as a lover, I don't get any happiness out of degrading or inflicting pain to women no matter how much she enjoys it.
    It was best that our relationship ended around that time.
    I wasn't interested in her kink, and I would rather she gets that from someone else. I went on to meet a woman who enjoyed love and attention and my style of sex. I think it was for the best.

    • But I don't want to break up. We actually have a pretty great relationship and we really do love each other. We also have a lot of sexual attraction towards one another and very much want to have sex with each other. The problem is exactly how we have sex with each other. I'd much rather figure this out than toss away a super great relationship over an issue we're (or really I'm) having in our sex life

    • "Figure this out?" You're either going to have to force yourself to do her sexual acts that you find disturbing and be unhappy, or she's going to have to suppress her desire for BDSM and end up unhappy. She'll probably cheat at some point just to get that feeling of being used and degraded. Sometimes you just aren't compatible. You may be better off as friends with benefits, or looking for partners who will satisfy you both better long-term.

    • So you don't think there's any way we can work this out even though we love each other, have an otherwise great relationship, are very sexually attracted to each other, and want to have sex with each other (yet have some issues with exactly how we have sex with each other)?

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  • wow, you have quite the situation!
    I guess I’ll preface by saying I love roleplay and bdsm.
    i introduced it to my girlfriend and she understands my kink... leather, cuffs, blindfolds... and I start getting excited.

    BUT... the big difference is I guess I like the fun parts Of bdsm. ... I guess I’d call it light bdsm. Yes to sub/dom roleplay and kinky sex acts... but No degrading situations, no pain, and no slave situations.

    talk to her man, this stuff is only fun if the both of you enjoy it! If you are not enjoying it, find a way to make changes with her.

  • Be honest with her.

    • I just feel weird about the situation. I feel uncomfortable with what she wants because I feel like I'm degrading her. However, she gets sexually aroused whenever I do those things. Moreover, if we did just quit doing her degrading sexual fantasies I think she'd get a ton less enjoyment out of sex.

    • If you aren’t happy how is that fair to you? You need to talk about doing what you both can enjoy.

    • But part of me feels like I shouldn't be uncomfortable with it because the only reason why I'm uncomfortable is because I feel like it's degrading/abusive towards her. However, she LOVES it. Consequently, I feel like I shouldn't feel like I'm being abusive since she loves it so much. Moreover, I'm pretty sure a ton of the sexual pleasure she gets would go away. Whenever we switch things up where there's more of an equal power dynamic during sex (or even if she's the one with the greater level of power) it honestly seems like she's just doing it because I asked to and she usually tries going back to the usual dynamic (I'm uncomfortable with) once she feels like she's 'done her part' in being a good girlfriend in terms of being willing to try things out I suggest. Another big reason why I'm uncomfortable is that I'm worried the intense level of sexual pleasure she gets from me controlling her and basically pretending to be abusive to her is some sort of sign about some underlying issue. I'm not sure exactly what it is because she's not like this outside of our sex life (where she's REALLY, REALLY like that). She's willing to compromise and such, but she's not someone who lets people walk all over her or doesn't stand up for what she wants/thinks is important. She'd hate it if I acted the way she wants me to act during sex in literally any other situation. However, during sex she gets this incredible level of sexual pleasure from 50 Shades of Grey type of disturbing sexual stuff. Furthermore, if she had her way I think that's all we'd do. It's certainly where she gets her biggest amount of sexual enjoyment.

    • Show All

  • Well first things first, this is a kink/fantasy and a fairly common one at that. There is nothing psychologically wrong with your girlfriend. As for you, you don't seem to find this erotic at all - in fact the opposite. This is also normal, though it places you in an awkward position.

    If you don't participate in her fantasy, she won't derive the same pleasure from sex whereas if you do, you feel uncomfortable and sex will be less pleasurable. This suggests that you should both compromise, but it seems that at the time being, she is really "in charge" (ironically) and setting the terms. I would propose you discuss this with her and agree to participate but not all the time. Maybe there are things you want her to do for you, and in return for participating in her fantasy - just a suggestion.

  • Sounds like a fairly typical dom/sub sexual relationship, if you don't like it just tell her, but if she likes it and you actually don't have a problem with accepting what she likes just get on with it.

    • I think the problem is that I kind of do have a problem accepting what she likes. I really wish I felt comfortable doing what she likes because I know she LOVES it when I do it, but I just don't.

    • I do think a decent part of the problem is that I'm worried the intense level of sexual pleasure she gets from me controlling her and basically pretending to be abusive to her is some sort of sign about some underlying issue. I'm not sure exactly what it is because she's not like this outside of our sex life (where she's REALLY, REALLY like that). She's willing to compromise and such, but she's not someone who lets people walk all over her or doesn't stand up for what she wants/thinks is important. She'd hate it if I acted the way she wants me to act during sex in literally any other situation. However, during sex she gets this incredible level of sexual pleasure from 50 Shades of Grey type of disturbing sexual stuff. Furthermore, if she had her way I think that's all we'd do. It's certainly where she gets her biggest amount of sexual enjoyment.

    • Some people just get a thrill from being submissive, but also some may get it from past sexual abuse. Unless she opens up to you about something that has happened in her past, then it's unlikely you will know either way. If she is not like this outside of the bedroom, I'd say it's just normal sexual submissive behaviour and is unlikely to be doing any harm mentally.

  • Try to get over your discomfort and enjoy it. They aren't degrading and you aren't abusing her. It's just role-play, as if you are both playing parts in a play she wrote.

    Life is much simpler if you assume that when other people tell the truth about their feelings. She says she likes it, it makes sex better for her. Believe it until she tells you otherwise.

  • If you hate doing the things she loves sexually, thgen you to obviously aren't sexually compatible.

    • Maybe we sort of aren't, but I'd much rather work this out than break up with her. We have an amazing relationship and I truly am in love with her (and she's told me she loves me). Moreover, having a celebrate relationship seems like a really bad idea to me (and she'd agree. We both very much want sex. How that sex is done is a bit more of an issue)

  • Girls tend to love that! It's why they always go after abusive assholes instead of us nice guys!!

  • Yes she’s insane like me who is also into bdsm. I’m just telling u know women with these fantasies will likely not be fufilled without them but I don't know. Most women today deep down know they treat men like shit and want men to “put them in their place” for it is what me playing psychologist right now thinks.

  • I'd love to fulfill someone's fantasies. But yeah it sucks when it's only 1 way , her way. Like 50\50 ! If it was me always doing the work, in not sure how much longer I'd take it. Like what about your fantasies? Does she care about that? Make a deal with her.

  • Tell her how you feel

  • Well, that's exactly why she likes it.

    • What do you mean?

    • You said they were abusive/degrading towards her and that makes you uncomfortable. I said that's exactly why she likes it.

  • Do what turns her on and gives her pleasure

  • Get ready buddy because most women's deep sexual fantasies are revolting and disgusting. Most want to be degraded and treated like dog shit in bed. If you only know how to have sex like a "respectful gentlemen who respects women" you're going to get cheated on a lot in life and not only that - women will start to disrespect you over it.

    Every SINGLE women I've been with that treated me like a man and gave me no shit were women I dicked down like basically useless whores that were there for me to treat as meat.

  • No no dumb her she is clearly a perverted nympho with an oversized sexual appetite
    …. now give me her number

  • I hear you mine is that way

  • Is it because you feel slightly embarrassed.
    You feel you can't meet her sexual desire.
    Try to be spontanious. You call the shots.
    You innitiate the sex when she is not expecting it so you are naturaly in charge.

  • Why do people think guys who like ballbusting are crazy? That’s a kink to.

  • If she loves it then keep doing it as long as she isn’t getting hurt but maybe take breaks and have normal love making if she is willing to for you

  • Tell her how you feel. Have her confirm that she doesn't feel abused or degraded when you do what she wants so you can put your mind at ease.

    • I know she doesn't get degraded. In fact, I know she gets super turned on. I feel uncomfortable with what she wants because I feel like I'm degrading her. However, she gets sexually aroused whenever I do those things. Moreover, if we did just quit doing her degrading sexual fantasies I think she'd get a ton less enjoyment out of sex.

    • You can either tell her you aren't comfortable doing what she wants and stop, or try to enjoy the fact that you are giving her pleasure. Would it help you to watch videos featuring what she's into to make it feel more normal to you?

    • I don't think so. When I watch those videos I feel uncomfortable too. However, I think figuring out how to get comfortable in doing her sexual fantasies is the best option. I'm just not sure how to go about that since I often don't feel comfortable when doing them (even though she LOVES it when I do them)

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