Will I ever fall in love with him (I'm not too much sexually attracted to him)?

[Anonymous]

Exactly next month will be our 4th anniversary. We have a 3 year-old daughter and right now she's over at my parents'. I'm getting dressed up to pick her up in a bit. She's our first and only child. It was a very complicated pregnancy (my first pregnancy ever too), I lost consciousness for several minutes and I needed blood transfusion.

This isn't my real name and I'm trying to keep this short. Our families liked each other from the start, things are going great. I'm happy to have him in my life and our bundle of joy too. The only thing is I'm not totally in love with him. I love him but not madly in love that I want to have sex all the time, not that type of love. We still have sex and I try my best. I have to think of other things in order to feel orgasm though.

I'm not going to crush him by telling him that either but I'm not backing out of this. I made a promise to him and in front of everyone to be with him till death and I never break promises, esp not vows. I don't mind not being in love. I'm just wondering if I'll ever fall in love with him? Will it one day come natural?

[AsheSky]

If I base my opinion solely and what you've described, you seem to define how much you love him based on how much you want to have sex with him (or how much you actually do have sex with him, so to speak).

Looking at successful couples, I've noticed that, at first, some couples are like rabbits. Over time, this fades out. It's natural. At first, sex is new and exciting. After a while, it's not the same as it used to be. So not having sex all the time is not necessarily a bad sign.

If he's not doing enough for you in bed, it is your responsibility as a spouse to convey it to him, and to ask him to please you better. It's important for both of you, not just for you. If I were you I would try to figure what causes this issue (i. e. why is it that you don't want him all that much ; does he have time for you? Does he understand your needs? Is he not flirting enough with you? etc.). Once you've found the problem, find a solution together that both fits you. Then you go on from there. This may not be a one-shot process. You may have to iterate over time until you're happy with the solution.

Perhaps I am wrong, but it seems to me that your expectations of "being madly" in love are probably too high. Again, if I base my opinion solely and you've said, he seem to be a great person, one who brings of joy and one who is certainly putting effort into making you happy. As George Lucas puts it, joy lasts forever, pleasure is much more intense, but it doesn't last as long.

We also often forget that our spouse is also our best friend, not just a love machine. Based on what you've said, he fulfills that role (and so do you, it seems). You're very faithful and committed to your word, which ultimately makes you committed to him. I've noticed that it is not easy to find people like you and he can be happy (or feel lucky) to have someone like you as his spouse.

All this to say, if I had to solely base myself on what you've said, you seem to love him and, like any other couples, you're not always madly in love with him. The question naturally arises is: is there someone else out there who you'd be madly in love with all the time? Most likely there isn't. The notion of soul mates was invented by a weird philosopher who has said many stupid things. If you look at it from a mathematical perspective, the probability of finding someone who fits you absolutely perfectly (I am talking a 100% fit there, so you'd be madly in love with him all the time) is close 0, even though there is a lot of people on this planet.

Think of it this way. I love Astronomy. It's my passion since I am a kid. I do not love everything about it though (I sometimes hate the study of exoplanets, which I mostly find boring). Some days at work can be difficult, undeniably. It does not always pay well, sure. However, I absolutely do not regret choosing that subject and making a "career" out of it.

[AsheSky]

So, to answer your question, I think you're already in love with him and you're realizing that you cannot love him all the time, which is perfectly normal.

[Birdlegs]

Damn that was some real stuff right there. Don’t skip this comment everybody, go and read it my mans is spittin

[Asker]

This is all good stuff. We can't expect perfection after all.

[Anonymous]

A lot of guys don't realise that for the most part, most women do not fall in love with any man... the man does certain things, acts a certain way, and connects through emotion, sexually and physically to bring out attraction from her. The woman might feel it happened naturally but this is rarely the case. It's invisible. Therefore you will never be that attracted to him unless he understands how to build such attraction.

Men aren't really taught this, and judging by how other men react to the women that show interest in me, they are clueless of this. They think all these women just happen to like me, or happen to be attracted. NO, you need to understand how to build it. Some happens naturally of course, but most is through understanding how to build it.

I will hazard a guess that you dated or were with a lot of men that knew how to do this and that you had no issue being sexually attracted. But those guys were not interested in marriage. This man you are with is probably a nice guy but not the same as those other types.

[SixFootSexy]

'Alpha widow' most likely. Good observation.

[Asker]

I wouldn't say a lot but just average. Though I don't how my first relationship would've ended. That's the only relationship I never got a chance to see it flourishing or having a natural death like the others. That's something I'll never know. We were dating for nearly 3 years by then (ages 16-19). He pushed me out of the way of a drunk driver but got killed in the process. His last words were ''I love you'' and next thing he was dead. Moving on, I've gotten in a couple relationships and realized after a while, our goals didn't math and we had little in common. Then finally I met my now husband at age 33 and got married the following year.

[OlderAndWiser]

Yes, it will, and it will be a deeper love than that which simply begins with lust.

[Asker]

I think so. Our daughter is our happiness, our joy. What more can I ask for? Nothing else. The thing is just as lust can begin, it can fade fast is that's what all love was about. Many people probably still confuse lust for love.

[OlderAndWiser]

Indeed they do!

[Avicenna]

If it hasn't happened by now, it probably won't ever happen

[Asker]

Then I don't mind staying with him till death out of empathy and obligation. I'm the type of person that sticks to promises till the end. I can't fail him.

[Avicenna]

That's OK. It would only be problem if you were unwilling to do that.

[Truthatanycost]

That's very well her saying that... but living it will be entirely different. Resentment, frustration, passive aggressiveness and he will pick up on how she feels eventually.

[Avicenna]

@Truthatanycost : Excellent point

[SixFootSexy]

Turn him on to some books. He needs to hit the gym, learn game, get money. Tell him he's a great provider, but you want a lover and you need him to learn how to be one. It'll hurt, but if he feels respected, he will be inspired to change... Maybe.

One of the hardest lessons in life: You can't change other people, you can only change yourself.

[Asker]

Good point.

[exitseven]

I imagine that after 4 years it will not happen.

[Asker]

I'll still try though. I'm not ever giving up. In the end, I already have my life partner and our bundle of joy. What else can I ask for? Nothing else.

[ImNoOne111]

Yes it can. It's totally possible but unlikely. The commiment you have to your life should give you the energy. It's an unconscious thing so don't try for it, just let life go and wait for it to happen

[Asker]

Yes the commitment I've made, my marital vows and our bundle of joy is more than enough to me. That's more meaningful than people that just rely on lust and nothing else.

[ImNoOne111]

You are right. You got it!

[Valso]

You won't fall in love with him bc you women are not capable of that. There's a reason the expression "ice queen" exists and there's no male version of it.

[Asker]

Now wait a minute. Just because I'm not in love with him and don't feel too much sexual attractive, doesn't mean I don't love him as the father of my daughter and as a wonderful husband. I'm not going anywhere. I'm stick till the end, till death; as I said in my marital vow. How is staying with him and caring for/loving him (just not the ''in love'' type of love) being an ice queen? He gave me my happiness, which is stability and our daughter.

[Valso]

Judging by your response, you love him the way one loves their best friend, not the way the man would like and you married his money, not him. But there's a secret women don't know - one can have stability without a truckload of money.

[Asker]

Or perhaps I probably love him in all ways but might not realize it. I've confused lust for love long ago when I was younger. That's really not love.

[pizzalovershouse]

Probably not

[In_Trance]

Probably not

[Asker]

I'll try though.

[Anonymous]

In the jewish faith, we have a saying: “we do not marry the one we love, we love the one we marry”.

[Asker]

Interesting. I'll make a note to this.