Why exactly do you end up catching feelings?

[iAmAWESOME18]

I've had friends with benefits relationship...I didn't catch any feelings I hadn't already had. I've caught hell for not understanding why it's hard and why you "automatically catch feelings" (which I've never done). I feel like, I have friends, I have friends I'm sexually attracted to, but don't want to be with them. Why is that so complicated? (Don't Answer this it's rhetorical) This is ALMOST like every other friends with benefits question I'm just trying to understand what about adding sex to a friendship makes you catch feelings? You should be able to end it at any time and not feel sh*t. I separate love from sex because sex isn't love and love doesn't require sex so PLEASE help me understand: 1. At what point do you develop feelings for the person you're f*cking 2. What is it that makes you develop feelings? 3. What is making it hard for you to separate "lovey dovey" form sex?

[kheserthorpe]

I'll point out that nobody knows -why- they like things or feel certain ways. They can come up with theories, but we never really -know-.

I'll throw out as a suggestion that 'love' is something we evolved to feel. Why did we evolve to fall in love (or more specifically, why did people who had the capacity to fall in love enjoy greater reproductive success then those that did not)? Almost certainly the answer is it enabled co-raising of children. Note that the alternative is the mother raises the child on her own.

I think its fairly obvious that a 'simple' male reproductive strategy is to knock up as many females as possible - and men do have urges to do that.

But another male strategy would appear to be 'devote your resources to the best available female who has sex with you and only you and help her raise her (hopefully your) children'. And men seem to have instincts that make them do this as well.

What about women? Well, if she doesn't think men stick around (i.e. no male relatives) or doesn't think she can get a male, the best strategy is to sleep with the best mate possible. Unlike men, banging lots of men is a poor strategy - she can only get pregnant once she should be selective. Another female strategy would be to find a male who is looking to bond with her. In order for this to 'work' she probably needs to bond back to him (if she's sleeping with lots of males he won't bond with her because who knows whose the kids are).

Well, that's my best theory of how our instincts work, and it seems to match a lot.

So why do women 'catch feelings'? Because unless the guy is a literal danger to her (and there ARE a few guys like and some women DO want to sleep with them and not date them) there is relatively little to be gained for a female in having sex with a male on an ongoing basis and NOT accepting his help. That's all (romantic) love is in nature - a deal where the female is monogamous and the male provides resources and help. Since she has relatively little to gain from having sex with many different males beyond the 'best' one she can get, she might as well fall for the guy she's sleeping with.

Men will tend to fall for a woman they are sleeping with too, unless they are convinced they can 'do better' or are having sex with multiple women (which is exactly what players do to avoid falling in love). Women generally do FWB with guys they would have been inclined to date anyway, men are generally doing FWB because they consider her not worth being monogamous too.

[Anonymous]

Most women develop "feelings" in a friends with benefits situation, because that's just how they're biologically programmed. Whether you like it or not, when you have sex, your body releases chemicals in your brain that trigger bonding. This happens in both men and women, but to a greater extent in women.

That's not to say that you can't logic your way around it.

[iAmAWESOME18]

Man that's like that sh*t about chocolate. Why don't women go crazy over a dude bringing them chocolates then? These females go on thinking they're in love or whatever, looking dumb.

[Opinion Owner]

The effect isn't all that strong, you know. Like I said, you can logic your way around it. And it's not the same sh*t as chocolate. That's a different thing entirely, and I've personally never even liked the stuff. Men and women are different, but not so completely different that we'd be (generally) affected in vastly different ways by the same thing, and there are always exceptions. I.e, weed does literally nothing for me. I don't get why people smoke it. Other people love it. No idea why.

[iAmAWESOME18]

True I hear you and same here with the weed thing.

[Anonymous]

I understand your pain. I am a girl who will tend to have close male friends that I have been cool with for probably a few years that will make it known to me that they want to be sexually involved. If I'm deprived of sex at the time and I feel comfortable with them I'll agree to it. But it always seems like somewhere down they line they start catching feelings. It'll be little gestures or comments made that I'll ignore at first until it becomes more frequent and hints of a relationship are dropped, and then I wonder how we got there, because generally if I agree to a friends with benefits relationship, I'm not romantically attracted to the person as in I don't see myself actually dating them and so it becomes weird. Like even if I do on the off-chance catch feelings for that person, I feel like I know them too well as a friend, and all their flaws to ever consider them seriously as a romantic partner. So right now I'm just trying to figure out why I keep getting involved with these situations with guys. Like am I friend-zoning them when they actually liked me or were they not used to a girl who could actually follow the friend with benefits guidelines and so the newness of it caused them to like my personality or some crap, like I'm just confused.

[iAmAWESOME18]

I feel you SO completely my best friend of three years who we had been sexually attracted to each other mentioned being sexual with each other but nooobody mentioned a relationship. We would hok up here and there but we were literally just friends with benefits but he's like why wouldn't you be my girlfriend I'm like ooooh here we go.

[Anonymous]

well you are lucky you are able to separate it.

one time I met this guy I was interested but didn't have feelings. but we lied together in bed, cuddled there for hours, made out, did oral sex. didn't actually have full out sex but came close. and I felt so bonded to him after. it was hormonal. I don't know how to explain it but doing that sh*t with someone makes it happen.

i think a lot of times when we enter these situations we may already have feelings for the person. having sex may intensify them. or they may just already be there.

[justme20]

Ive never had that issue. sex isn't emotional for me and I can separate sex and love. You could have already liked that person and during sex became closer. You aren't the first guy or girl to catch feelings

[caligirl3]

i think most girls can't separate sex and love

[travisx2019]

I think catching feelings can happen when sex is involved (yet...) or not.

[Jcoj613]

It's genetic. When people have sex oxytocin is released which is a chemical that basically makes you like someone more.

[Anonymous]

Maybe you have a higher level of testosterone or male hormones than most females. It is biologically ingrained in us to "catch feelings" because of oxytocin.and vasopressin.

[Anonymous]

I think it's just how women are, sex isn't just sex for the majority.