I like giving my friends with benefits oral, but this time I felt used. am I overreacting?

[Anonymous]

I am in a friends with benefits situation that is basically a friend who I occasionally hook up with when a lot of drinks are involved. so far we have been able to keep our sexual encounters to ourselves, which I like, since we are not dating. I see this as a sexually compatible mutual crush, not a potential relationship. I know there's a danger of this ending badly, but it's been fine for about 6 months. I feel like our alcohol fueled encounters have allowed us to be much less shy and reserved compared to how we normally are. Although I hate pda in general, we have hooked up in public, which is always fun/exciting. I feel like we can get pretty nasty/freaky while still being considerate. I like that he can be aggressive about what he likes while being attentive to what I like and want. It's because of this that I feel really comfortable, and really enjoy, giving him oral sex. It's a major turn on, especially when he asks for it really politely, or kinda begs for it. Our last encounter, however, made me feel a little used/cheap. While at a bar, we started to get a little close, which got him really excited. He claimed to be so excited that it was hurting him, so we planned to meet up in the restroom. It was pretty clean, but I can be very ocd about public restrooms, so I have never done that before. He didn't have a condom for sex, so he kinda assumed It would be fine for me to just give him oral. It's not an outrageous assumption, since our encounters always include oral, but he still seemed a little too aggressive/bossy about it for my taste. I know he really likes how I do it. so the encounter was great for him, but left a bad taste in my mouth (pun intended). We left immediately afterward, with his friend giving us a knowing smile. I was annoyed. I'm not sure if it was the fact that the bathroom is not my idea of a great hook up spot, or If I was just being moody, but he felt a lot less considerate than normal. Men, do you ever find that you become more aggressive/demanding about sex when you become "that" hard? Do you think he sees me as cheap/easy/gullible? Should kissing afterward be enough to imply respect? He claims that he blacked out eventually that night, and doesn't really remember everything that happened. Is that just an excuse? I'm not sure it's fair to bring it up as an issue since he probably barely remembers it. I do wonder if this is a sign that the benefits part of our friendship should come to an end. Should one bad experience spoil the whole bunch? should I let it go? Part of me feels like this is bothering me way more than it should.

[HandsomeRaj]

1. it's common tendency for the woman to feel 'used' more than men do and this is due to the emotional quotient that links sex with love :)

2. Yes it's possible that he doesn't remember what happened. There are good reasons to doubt his statement and not to

3. Respect is something that is a subjective term. When one is showing respect as he / she means it may be interpreted as disrespect by another

4. In FWB the general idea is to have fun without attachments while still being a friend in the true sense. When ego and / or expectation seeps into it, the whole situation may get worthless

5. I think you should take his statement on face value as doubting it is disrespect to him and your friendship

6. It's difficult for a man to go down on a woman in a public place even when kinky which is why it doesn't generally happen and generally a woman doesn't want it too (I've done crazy things at crazy places and didn't feel insulted or degraded though I'm a man cause I respect and understand my partners situation, moods and wishes) owing to various reasons including the way women are made naturally apart from society stuff. I'm sure however, that there are tons of men out there who'd do things to their women in public places if she wanted them to but not feel used and it on the contrary may be the woman who feels that again - that's nature and refer to point 1

7. Here in this case you are the person who seems to be getting emotional for which yes you should considering calling off the FWB if you aren't able to control / logicalize the situation :)

[Littletad]

General rule of friends with benefits, do not expect ANYTHING from such a relationship, because it began with no constraints. So naturally, you're feeling a bit like it's a relationship somewhat, or expecting him to be a gentleman. Obviously, he isn't anywhere near those things. If you ask me, this whole incident has shown that the relationship has run it's course.

[Simple-Simonette]

Maybe it's none of the above.

I think when you get to the point to where you're questioning how you feel about how he makes you feel - you're either getting tired of this same scenario or you're looking for more - be it emotionally or mentally, which is something you need to determine.

Maybe subconsciously you feel he's taking you for granted - being a FWB doesn't mean you don't respect yourself or you're a slut, it means you aren't willing to deal with the baggage that comes with being in a relationship. He could be forgetting that - what you both have is a mutual agreement toward sex, and he's starting to act like it's more about his pleasure than yours. Or maybe you're ready for relationship baggage and just haven't acknowledged that consciously yet.

You have a lot of reflecting to do, in my opinion.

Good luck.

[Asker]

Great advice!

[Simple-Simonette]

Thanks.

[anita0191]

In my opinion if you felt like you weren't respected and you were used then it's a problem. Tell him you understand the type of situation you and he are in together but that doesn't mean he can demand it anywhere, anytime. If you didn't feel right about it in the first place, you shouldn't have done it. That doesn't make him justified in expecting it from you in a public bathroom. When you say he begs for it sounds like he's guilting you into giving him oral sex?

[Asker]

I definitely don't want to give the impression that he made me do something, or pressured me into doing something. There has also never been guilt in the "begging" for me, it feels much more playful than that. I take full responsibility in my participation. It's just that, unlike other times, in the bathroom he had this selfish urgency that I wasn't used to from him.

[Anonymous]

the point of friends with benefits is to use each other, right? So that's gonna happen once in a while! If you dOnt like it drop him! You said he's always making sure he pleases you so maybe for once he wanted to be pleased 100% of the time! It's really not a huge deal accept it sounds like your getting attached! Maybe take a break would be a good idea?!?

[parkway]

He doesn't remember a thing is a lie and if true, you may have some medical problems promised to come your way.

A lot of guys love to degrade a woman to see how far they can go. You be surprise how low a woman will go for a man.

The entire friends with benefits is designed around the fact that the USA is the only country that has millions of whores and no whore houses. The feeling of aggressiveness and bossy is what is normal in most john type situations, so don't feel bad. A guy being "that" hard makes you that gullible.

You don't need to end it, just charge him more than a drink, makes you look and feel cheap.

Good luck,

[Asker]

Although I agree that men can test how far they can go/get away with, the "whore" analogy is way off base. The friends with benefits situation is based on the idea that consenting adults can enjoy sex without having to leap into a deep committed relationship. Friendship makes it the opposite of a whore+john scenario. The cheapness I felt was not about my personal self worth, as much as it was about his selfishness rubbing me the wrong way, especially since he's normally very focussed on making me happy sexually.

[yopyopyop]

I think that what really annoys you is the shame of knowing his friends know what happened.

He didn't respect you at all this time, that's the least to say.

And he probably wasn't that drunk, when a guy is so drunk he's about to pass out, he won't be able to get hard.

[nate18]

whiskey d*** lol...can be over come...get horny enough, or get viagra :P

[Asker]

I am partially annoyed that people knew, but that was just the icing on the cake. As far as not being that drunk goes, I know that he was really wasted based on what he drank that night. Plus, when I left him, he was in pretty bad shape. I do think that his blacking out probably happened later in the evening, and he's using it as an excuse.

[yopyopyop]

Maybe. Well anyway, you have buyer's remorse. Because he didn't really force you in this. The question you ask, in my opinion, is more towards yourself : do you want to stay in that type of relationship or not ?

[Asker]

"buyer's remorse" is a great analogy

[baliguy11]

he is FWB right? I am in this too. I get use all the time. so does she. just how the FWB thing goes. message if you want.

[Dionysos]

Sounds to me like the benefits part of your FWB routine isn't working for you. Cut him off and go back to just friends.

[justincider]

Obviously bothering you based on 4 paragraphs on GAG... Yes, I would say you are overreacting. It sounds like he was really drunk and said some stupid stuff. Happens. Your FWB used you for sex, isn't that what FWB are for? Mutually using each other? I've never done the bathroom thing either as it is just gross, but I think you should chill on it. If there is another bad encounter or two, then you can ponder this again.

[nate18]

let it go. its not a big deal. he clearly had a bit too much to drink and he knows it. even if he didn't black out and he remembers the whole thing he still probably knows he left a bad taste in your mouth (pun intended lol) which is why he lied if he did lie. which means he does care about you at least enough to want to keep banging you.

either way he still wants you. its a one time thing. act like the adult you are and put it behind you. if it happens more often then bring it up.

[Anonymous]

it's quite normal to feel used in a friends with benefits relationship which is why I wouldn't want to be in one