Sexual Relationships
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Fwb is now pregnant but wants to keep the baby?

I have had a friends with benefits for nearly four years, she's 35 and I'm 28. We only hooked up when I was single but never in a relationship. Two months ago we had sex. But now I'm back with my ex girlfriend and we really both want to make a go of things. My friends with benefits was on the pill however she is saying that she was taking antibiotics which messed up the contraception. She is now 8 weeks pregnant. I told her I appreciate her telling me that she is pregnant however I'm not in a position to be a father and we agreed the sex to be casual . She wants to keep the baby. However she's not given good reasons why she wants the baby, she is financially capable of looking after the child and has her own home but I think she's keeping the baby because she's lonely and worried about not having a child in the future. I explained to her that its more than that to keep a baby,the baby deserves a mother and father in their life. In the right circumstances at this situation is not it. I cannot be a father and if she does have a child I cannot ignore it because it will be mine. This will change both our lives in a big way. I have not had a father in my life and I do think of him now and then and it does hurt when you see others with their father, watching football, going to the pub etc general bonding which I never had. I cannot give that to a child now, I'm not ready and it will not be fair on the child not to have a father from the beginning to the end. I think she's keeping the baby for wrong reasons. It will be unfair on both of us and especially on the child. What can I do to let her see the light and be realistic about the decision. Basically we were just having fun and now she wants to keep the child. I feel like she's trapped me.
2 0

Most Helpful Girls

  • Or could it be that she kept the baby because it is a part of her and it is made from her and she loves it? You do NOT tell a mother that she can't keep HER baby because YOU don't have the balls to step up and take responsibility for YOUR actions. Yes, that baby does deserve a mother and a father. Maybe one day, his/her mother will find a man that can fill that role, but for now, you're it, whether you like it or not. If you aren't ready to be a father, you aren't ready to have sex.

    As for abortion, aside from the whole controversy about whether or not it's murder, there's the scientific fact that abortion can be dangerous.

    In rare cases, it leads to death. After a first trimester abortion, breast cancer risk doubles, as well as an elevated risk of cervical, ovarian, or liver cancer. An abortion can also lead to uterine perforation or placenta previa, which can impact future pregnancies. Future children could be handicapped, and finally, there is a high risk for the mother to develop depression, mood disorders, substance abuse, or PTSD.

    Now answer me this... Are you asking her to get an abortion for the right reasons? If something was growing inside of you, that was made out of you and was growing into a little person, could you let someone "destroy" it? If you loved it like a mother loves her child?

    I'm not saying you need to marry this girl or anything. Be happy with your girlfriend, and do whatever. But stay in that baby's life. Even if it's only rarely, be there. Be like the cool uncle you see once a year or something, but man up and do SOMETHING. I'm only 19, and your immaturity sickens me.

    • I give that answer a standing ovation

    • haha why thank you :)

  • It's obvious why she wants to keep the baby. She's 35, her biological clock is ticking, and as many others have said here: this might be her only chance to have a child. If she were to have an abortion, chances are her body wouldn't be able to handle the "blow" (mostly because of her age) which would result in her not being capable to get another baby. How are those not "good reasons"? But of course you wouldn't understand what it's like, since you're not her and you don't know what it's like to have maternal instincts. This child seems to be very important to her already, far more important than what it seems to be to you, so why don't you just let her keep it? It's time for you to step up and be the father you never had. You say you're sad and hurt for not having a father in your life, and yet you're ready to completely bail on, or even kill, your first child. Since you know how hard it is to not have a father, how in hell are you able to let your child go through with what you've been through? You're a selfish coward, really.

    Talk to her. If you don't want to be in the child's life, then fine. Maybe it's best if you aren't if you really don't want to. But that's something you'll have to settle with her. If she's financially stable and has her own home, it sounds like she's capable of taking care of it herself. If you decide to not step up and be there for her and your child, then that's something you'll have to live with for the rest of your life. I say at least be there for her until she finds another man. Jesus, grow a pair. You're a grown man. This is the consequence you'll have to take for not wearing a goddamn condom.

  • I think you may be looking at this the wrong way. As someone who had an unplanned pregnancy at 19 with a man that didn't want the baby I have a little insight. As soon as I found out I loved that baby more than anything. All the sickness I had was worth it. I was barely pregnant, but I talked to it constantly telling it how much I loved it. Everytime I threw up I just remembered what I ate so I could eat what my baby liked. It was as if love never existed before this. I didn't care that I was broke and the father was a spineless coward. All I knew was that I had an amazing gift of life growing in me. Until I lost it. I went into the deepest depression I have ever had, even worse than losing my grandparents. I cried every month for almost a year when I got my period. To this day I look at kids that would be my kids age and tear up. Every year on the due date I have a special moment of rememberance for my lost baby. Sometimes a mother's love starts as soon as she knows and who are you to tell her otherwise?

Most Helpful Guys

  • You made a decision to have sex with her, and regardless of intent the act of sex is designed to create children. I was appalled when you spouted your piss poor excuse of "we agreed the sex to be casual". You are (theoretically) an adult, and as an adult you are responsible for your actions. I would expect that kind of response from a 3 year old that broke his mother's vase and said "I was just playing around". At least the 3 year old has an excuse. You don't.

    Here's a shocker for ya- she isn't trapping you. You did that to yourself two months ago.

    Do us all a favor- if you aren't ready or smart enough to man up and be a father at 28, go get a vasectomy.

    • Here Here!

    • Excellent point with the vasectomy

  • This baby did not choose it's parents, and deserves a chance to live, whether you think it should or not. Step up or step aside, either way, she should have the baby if she wants one.

    Good Luck,

    James

    • Let me add, I have a 32 year old son from a woman I had a one night stand with. She was 25 and I was 18. It took me 8 years to acknowledge him, but one I GREW UP, he became a part of my life. NOW, he is a blessing to the whole family.

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What Girls & Guys Said

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  • I have a strict rule I developed for this. I call it, "Don't f*** someone you wouldn't make a parent should the case arise."

  • You are being really selfish. You two had sex and it created a baby. What did you expect? You are 28, you should know that no birth control is 100% and even if she was on the pill, if you never wanted a kid with her then you should have wore a condom too. You don't want this baby because it is going to ruin your relationship with your girlfriend. You don't give a damn about what the kid deserves or any of that other crap you tried to lay out. She is 35. Sure the circumstances weren't ideal, but a financially stable 35 year old is going to want a baby and she has every right to keep it. You made a decision to be a man and have sex and you need to be a man and take care of your child. How do you honestly expect to get sympathy out of this situation?

  • Well you're assuming that your way of thinking is correct and it may possibly be but ultimately it's her decision. Pregnancy is always a risk and both parties have to be prepared to deal with that should it happen. It's not just the female's responsibility to prevent pregnancy-she can tell you anything (like she's had her tubes tied, she's on the pill, etc) that doesn't mean it's true so the male needs to take steps to protect himself as well.

    Maybe you could recommend counselling for both of you before the pregnancy gets too far along to help both of you understand why she wants to keep the baby. I do hope that if it is your child and she goes through with the pregnancy that you will step up and be the best father to this child that you can possibly be.

  • Well in the end it's her call. Even though it was casual, there is always a risk this will happen. She isn't trapping you because everyone knows that if you have sex, there is a chance of pregnancy.

  • Unfortunately there is nothing that you can do to change her mind. It might seem realistic to you for all the logical reasons why this child should not be brought into this world. For some guys it might seem like nothing big; but when you have that small life inside of your body your logical rational doesn't always seem appropriate.

    As far as her trapping you. I don't think so. She's had plenty of time to "trap" you over the last 4 years. You trapped yourself by not doing more to prevent the possibility of pregnancy. Hope this doesn't sound too harsh but you were being really stupid and careless. You are not in a monogamous relationship with this women. Why would you think it is okay to have unprotected sex with her. You should be well aware by now that any kind of sexual intercourse brings a risk of pregnancy and other things.. I hope from now on you don't leave the responsibility of pregnancy prevention up to one person.

    I understand the need to want to have a child when the time is right. And while it may not sound conventional; you do have the choice to relinquish your paternal rights towards the child. Based on what you've said it sounds like you feel like you have to go all in if she decides to keep the baby. Every child does deserve to have the influence of a father and a mother. And if you don't want that responsibility then you don't have to take it.

    If she has that child and you decide to not be apart of his/her life. Do keep in mind that he/she might come looking for you later on in life.

    Good luck with your situation. I hope that you tell your ex girlfriend what has transpired. She deserved to know that there are things happening with you that could impact your future relationship with her.

  • It's HER pregnancy. She has made the decision to keep the child. You don't have the right to tell her to get an abortion. Killing her child and risking her own well being should be nobody's decision, but if it is it's hers.

    At any rate, now you get to reap the rewards of your poor decision making. Just because sex is casual doesn't mean it can't produce a child. You're going to have to decide whether you want to be in its life or stay away and send child support.

  • Oh shut up! You say she is being selfish! Obviously you are you even said she was capable of raising it. Maybe its her maternal instinct. That is her child. If you don't want the responsibility than walk away! Trust me when I say no child wants to feel like a burden and that is exactly what this child is to you.

    • No your forgetting its our child! We aren't together never will be in a relationship we both have our separate lives, friends and family. It wasn't planned so why does she want to keep it. She thinks she will never met someone else or have kids on the future so she's doing. If she does have an abortion she still can have kids after with someone she loves in a relationship with etc

    • Trust me its het child. You are doing and saying everything possible to distance yourself from yhis new reality. She is 35 let her have her chance at motherhood. Because she may never get this chsnce again. You even said your living separate lives.

    • Actually an abortion raises the risk of miscarriage by 8 times. And at 35 her options are pretty low as she has lost most of her eggs. I agree you don't want to act in an unselfish manner. And yes she is SO selfish to carry a child for 10 months and raise it without the "donor" who doesn't want it.

  • Dude, what the hell do you expect from a woman well in her thirties?

    Trust me, there is no way to change her mind, this might be her last chance to have a child.

    I'm sorry but you did this to yourself. You can either accept it and be a father or butt out and let her raise it on her own.

    My bet is she wanted to become pregnant. 35 year olds don't become pregnant on accident generally. But you only have yourself to blame really.

    • Accidental pregnancies happen at any age. I don't understand how guys can think they know women so well. We are all different and think and behave different.

    • Well, from the top of my head I know 5 women in my social group that are in their 30's, single and stopped taking birth control. One of them already had a kid that way. They want a child and who can blame them? Accident is a possibility, but my bet is she cried tears of happiness when she found out.

  • I say it's her body, her decision...you said it was casual hook-up, you two aren't together so it's HER baby...you're just the sperm donor. Sound harsh? Get over it. Most pregnancies aren't planned, she has every right to keep her baby.

    I don't have a dad in my life either, but my mom has done an awesome job raising me.

    • i agree with all the girls on here, its her body, yo already said yo don't want the baby, and maybe she is OK with that? if she is then she should go for it. But unfortunately(for you) you will have to pay child support until the little one is 18. I don't see why it can't work out as long as you two don't have feelings for each other, which it sounds like you dont.

  • shes 35 years old I think if she wants to keep the baby why not, she's not expecting you to look after it right . I mean she's avoiding contact with you which shows she doesn't care. I mean you've stated what you want is to be with your ex girlfriend. And she has a right to be worried about not having children in the future she is older after all. I get that it will be unfair for the child not having a father there, but don't you think it takes two to tango I mean you both kept it casual and you didn't expect it and she used contraceptives but there is always a possibility of it happening. This is why I'm not really for friends with benefits situations, it will eventually get messy.

  • ok, I don't think its right that everyone jumped all over you, judged you and attacked you. what's done is done, no point in being judgmental now.

    What you should do: Whether of not you think she trapped you, she's doing it for the wrong reasons, etc. etc. she is PREGNANT. She has expressed that she is going to keep the baby. There isn't much you can do about it. She is being realistic and honest with you - she's 35, this might be her last chance at pregnancy.

    Figure out if you ever want to be in this child's life. Tell her the arrangement you'll have *before* the child is born, or else it won't be fair to the child if you're in and out of his/her life. They'll end up very unstable because of it.

    Figure out if she'll be expecting you to pay for the child. Again, do this *now,* get a lawyer involved so it's all legal and so if you win the lottery one day she won't come at you for half.

    Best of luck to you.

  • Pregnancy is one of the consequences of having sex. Now it"s time to take responsability for your actions.

    You can't chose to keep only good sides of sex, it would be too easy.

    Now you can tell her you don't want to have anything to do with this kid, but he is going to have the same childhood you had : no dad, no authority, no maturity. And he will turn out just like you, because he didn't have the chance to grow up with a male role model.

    & I said he, because, a girl without a dad well.. We all know how they end up. & you don't want your daughter to end up like this. Just because you refused to be an adult, for once in your lifetime.

  • You gotta be a man. You really wanted sex and that's what happens. You have to look over your child. Children need both parents around and it's unfair to the girl too. Shit happens but you have to do this. I would HATE to have a child right now but if something happened where I did I would DEFINATLY be there for it no matter what the circumstance. Don't ruin that child's life just because you feel your not ready, be a man.

  • if she was taking medicine when she got pregnant the child probably won't be too healthy, you should at least tell her that. But it's her choice, let her do what she wants.

    • Nonsense, for a baby to be unhealthy because of medication intake a mother must use heavily beyond the first term.

    • This statement is completely false and completely rubbish, you have no idea what you're talking about.

    • I did say "probably", sheesh. Medicine does tend to screw up the genetic code though. I don't have a 100% idea of what I'm talking about yeah. but wow you guys have no reason to attack me like that cause I was wrong about something. Seriously.

  • I know this isn't what you want to hear & I'm sorry. But I think you're pretty much screwed. It sure as hell isn't fair, though. How women have reproductive rights & men don't. You should at least have the option to opt out of parental rights if you don't want it.

    lol @ All the women taking your FWB's side. Predictable, but still funny.

    • I don't think we are taking sides but just because she wants the baby doesn't necessarily mean she is forcing him to be a parent. He will automatically, biologically be the father of the child but he doesn't have to be there if he doesn't want to.(even tho personally I think both parties should be responsible for their actions.)

    • You are, haha. & He'll definitely be forced to pay child support. That commitment will be maintained under threat of imprisonment. I can pretty much guarantee if the situation were reversed (he wanted to keep the kid and she wanted an abortion), the girls would still take her side. Classic.

    • @your comment below: No, because I overall am not really for abortion. I'm tolerant of those who do, but I would never advise or condone it. It's definitely a rough situation, and I understand his issues with it, but, the overall principle for me isn't the conveniences or desires of the involved parents, but the life of that child who is at present already alive. Would you want someone not respecting your existence to mean you didn't deserve to live anymore?

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  • I probably wouldn't blame her for "trapping" you unless she poked holes in the condom. But since she is pregnant, I'm assuming you relied on her for birth control methods and not protect your self from these incidents. If she has her mind set on having the baby, there's really not much you can do. You can always suggest adoption and give the reasons its beneficial rather than raise the baby as a single parent.

  • You knew this going in that pregnancy was a possibility. I would try to waive your parental rights if it;s possible, and she's cool with it. If not, don't be selfish and take care of your child! She's not trapping you, because you were the one fucking her.

  • Realistically, go talk to a lawyer about surrendering your parental rights. I know in CA that even in doing so, you are still responsible for child support. So she's probably happy about the baby and only telling you to get child support. You can have confidentiality agreements signed saying that she can't reveal you as the father of the child until it is 18 and so on. Just go talk to a lawyer if you really don't want to be a father.

    • As someone with a father who was trapped into being a father, most times I wish I didn't have to experience the emotional heartache of knowing my father didn't want me. I'd rather just have no Dad instead of actively being resented. So if you don't want to be a dad, save your kid the heartache and don't. Sign the papers and walk away. Your kid might not understand while it's young, but will probably thank you later, if given the chance.

  • Guys like you are the reason why so many single women are raising kids alone and with the help of government assistance. Here is a thought. "Don't play if you can't pay."

  • yes you can you just don't want to... you have to grow up and be a father, just because you don't want to be a father it doesn't mean you aren't one. you sound really selfish and pathetic.

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