How can I reconcile my personality with how “badly” I want to be treated in bed?

[Anonymous]

My personality traits: Intelligent Creative Snarky Caring/Nurturing Loyal to a fault I really pride myself on being as smart or smarter than the guys (and girls) around me. I’m overwhelmingly attracted to intelligent, witty guys…I hate guys who bully other people, and I always stand up for the weaker person, I can’t help but defend those who need defending. I’ve been told that I’m beautiful and pretty…but I think that guys assume that because I’m not overtly sexual or flirtatious, that I’d only want vanilla sex. What I fantasize about is the complete opposite... I like the idea of being cuffed during a slightly aggressive blowjob, cuffed/hands tied behind me during sex, hair pulled, ass spanked, his hand around my throat with just a little added pressure, a finger pushed into my mouth, and I get SO turned on by somewhat demeaning dirty talk, terms like “little slut” or “little whore”… I love the “illusion” of being someone’s sex toy, being used for pleasure. But I would NEVER EVER EVER really, truly want to be used and abused...I wouldn’t want my SO to think that I’m only good for sex- and in general, I am disgusted by men who use women, assault them, etc. I just like the fantasy of it... Does this make any sense? Can anyone relate to this? :\ And then a smaller part of me wants to dominate a guy. Tie/cuff HIS hands behind him while I get to suck or f*ck him, and talk dirty to him, but not in a humiliating way- more in a bossy way. I’m just really confused I guess. And I wanted to know if anyone had any tips on how I could get to be “ok” with how different I am personality-wise and sexually. Also… are there any guys who would be into the two “sexual facets” I’ve described above? I don’t want to have an unhappy, unfulfilled sex life…but at the same time, I understand that we can’t always have what we want. Any thoughts on this would be appreciated. For those who read through the whole thing, thanks for your time. :)

[holograph]

It just comes down to recognizing and accepting the difference between reality and roleplaying. Not just recognizing this for yourself, but also recognizing that if you, an adult, choose to have sex with a consulting male who is also an adult, he will not interpret your desire to roleplay as an instruction book on how to treat other women.

You're not at fault for anything here, and you shouldn't feel bad about your personality in any way. Nothing is wrong with you, and nothing needs to be reconciled. You've just been brainwashed by society and religion (religion influenced society in ways that basically turned us into prudes).

All you need to do is learn to accept that fantasy for the sake of fantasy is perfectly acceptable and normal between two consenting adults. Many women have come out and admitted to having rape fantasies, even though they would never want to actually be raped in real life.

Fantasies are often a way for your mind to think about scenarios that either definitely won't happen in real life, or for which you hope never actually happen. But acted out in certain ways, with a trusted partner, may allow you to experience some of the thrill of these situations without the significant risk to yourself.

[kheserthorpe]

I can relate to, literally, 100% of it.

My ideal relationship has the type of sex you describe, often, occasionally intimate loving and gentle sex, and lots of warmth and affection and caring the rest of the time.

It took me a while to get comfortable with that, and i never sought out someone who wanted it. TBH, I didn't know nearly as many women were into this stuff as seem to be. My partner likes a little of it, but most of it no.

Anyway, I have no idea how common guys like me are, but I can't be the only one.

[Asker]

I would have to characterize my ideal relationship in the same way... Given that your partner isn't the biggest fan of it, are you still happy with your sex life? Or does not being able to have this kind of sex "take a toll"? What scares me is the kind of response that I got from ManThatKnewTooMuch... I don't want to be thought of as crazy or a freak, in a clearly negative light. He had knee-jerk reaction to it and started labeling it... I don't consider it BDSM because it's not as hardcore as that- at least for me.

[kheserthorpe]

No. But the bigger problem is a lack of interest and enthusiasm in general rather then not doing exactly what I want. But the worse things are the more I think about what I'd like... Of course I've never had what I want. If I had I might never have settled for less.

[kheserthorpe]

I didn't really even consider bringing it up when young I just assumed no women would like it so actually thought about it less. That and telling someone you want to call them degrading names while spanking them is a bit awkward if it's not their thing.

[Asker]

Could the lack of enthusiasm stem from her being aware that she isn't fulfilling what you would like? Or is it a general lower sex drive issue? If it's something that you were able to think about less, maybe I can too lol. Hopefully. And that's another thing, how could I even bring this up? I imagine it's so much harder for a guy to express such things because it would automatically be alarming, not unless the other person fully understood that it's just a fantasy and that you'd be warm and loving in all other aspects of the relationship. I just wish I understood where this came from. When I was in high school, I thought that the idea of blowjobs was degrading...and now I'm turned on by aggressiveness in bed lol. I know that people assume that it's because of daddy issues or sexual trauma but... I think my dad is awesome and I've never been hurt that way before. It bothers me that I can't pinpoint why I'm so attracted to this.

[kheserthorpe]

General issue. It could be the fact you thought it was degrading that tied into arousal. If you want to talk more feel free to follow me.

[Asker]

It just feels "wrong" to be aroused by something degrading. Very backwards... I don't want to blow my cover though :P

[kheserthorpe]

Neither did I, bit I did. I just didn't say everything. When I first started GaG I actually was ashamed to answer questions like what's your biggest fantasy without going anon. I still am a little but I do it.

[Asker]

I can't imagine ever answering a question like that without going anon... but if I can muster up the courage, I'll send you a message. :)

[ManThatKnewTooMuch]

Plenty of people like you exist. That's why bondage p*rn sells. All that bondage shit they sell in sex shops? yes, people actually buy them. You are one of them.

I assume they meet up through websites that cater to that community.

I am unattracted to you. I don't want a crazy chick in the sack lol. Your alter ego is pretty much what I look for. If you end up with a guy like me then I'll let you know right now that he probably wouldn't be into the masochistic role. there is no way that you're tying me up. I can do the sado stuff but at the minimal level. I won't be using torture devices... but like I said, plenty of guys that will.

[Asker]

But I don't like bondage p*rn... I don't want to get hurt during sex or hurt the other person either. I'm completely turned off by torture devices, I don't even know what that would be... I want to have slow, gentle sex too. Does this change your perception at all?

[ManThatKnewTooMuch]

No not really. I dated a girl like you. She wanted minimal force... I just wasn't into it and thought it was weird. I laughed when she first mentioned it, actually. It's just a turn off. But you know, different strokes for different folks.

[JohnWhilkins]

Those things are small time! I think MOST people would be at least slightly into both things you described.

The sexaul abuse thing is such a touchy subject. I don't think hating people is the right mind set and this shit could happen with people you wouldn't necessarily think about in that way, I'm just saying take it slow and don't do shit like that early on, if that was ever your intentions, keep an eye out.

I think it spawns from the intentions during the actual act? The thought should be

"I love you so much I just want the fuck the shit out of you!"

rather than "She wants me to be rough"

[Metal189]

beautiful in the streets, freak in the sheets, every mans dream