Sexual Relationships
+1 y

Would you date someone who has been raped and isn't fond of physical touch?

Yes, I was raped. 5 years ago. I'm working on it. So before you go off a spiel about therapy; I do see a therapist on a regular basis and I have been working on this and blahblahblah. My point in asking is that I've never been on a date (or even been asked out) before and, now in college, I'm being confronted more with the dating/sex/relationship scene. The thing is, I'm comfortable dating (in theory) but I'm not (nor have I been since) fond of touching. I don't like hugs and I don't like the idea of being in contact with someone. I'm not opposed to sex, it would just take me a while to get there. Anywhodoodles, I ask this: Would you date someone who has been raped and does not like physical contact OR is that too much emotional baggage? And please be honest- I'm not easily offended. :)
Yes I would date them.
Vote A
No I would not date them.
Vote B
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+1 y
Also, when I say I don't like physical contact, I'm all right with it if I'm aware that it's going to happen (no hugs from behind) and if I'm not held too tightly.
0 1

Most Helpful Guys

  • To be upfront here, I have a lot of emotional baggage myself, so I'd be okay with it.

    Due to my anxiety, I have plenty of times felt extremely awkward with physical contact. I've jumped, tensed up, or just avoided it altogether. I'm sure it's nothing in comparison, but I'd at the least have a vague idea of how it may feel.

    Whatever it takes to get there, is whatever it takes to get there. I'm aware that my partner would have to work with me as well, it would be quite selfish to not do the same (or in some crazy sense, want to).

    You just have to find the right person to accept it and want to work with it.

  • First, I'm so sorry that happened to you. I would date a person in your situation if I liked her and knew up front what was going on. I'm a touchy feely person so I would be hopeful that the situation between us particularly would resolve as quickly as possible. It will take a very patient man and a great deal of work om your part.

    I hope you find what you need.

Most Helpful Girls

  • I was molested as a child and had a couple of nonconsensual sexual experiences as a young adult. My problem isn't touch as much as internal self hate and anger, but I do feel for you.

    I wanted to suggest a book called "Because It Feels Good". I don't know if it will help you, but it helped me when I went through a stage of acute anxiety when thinking of sexual contact.

  • I was raped when I was a child. My current partner knows about it. He is fine with it. I didn't get therapy but I feel that it haunts me a lot.

    • If you don't mind me asking, Anon, why don't you seek therapy?

    • I will.

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What Girls & Guys Said

0 13

  • I voted no. I've dated two chicks that were previously raped but they never exhibited your behaviors.

    I voted no because sometimes it's nice to just grab/hold on to you whenever I want. It's going to suck if you just try to push me away.

  • Just be upfront about it. If a guy really likes you then he will wait and take his time with you!!

  • I am going with no mainly because of the physical touch.

    I'm a person who likes affection a lot and don't want to feel like I'm just throwing haunting memories into a person's head everytime I make contact with them. I'd love to be able to surprise hug someone I am with and be playful and such. I'm sure there are more recovered rape victims out there but I'd just prefer a girl who is not uptight about physical closeness.

  • Have dated them... and close friends I have with stories longer than yours.
    Ironically they are more turned off by traditional boring sex & happiest more ribald + "I get to do whatever I want" sorts of sex trials.
    There are some hurtles even with long term trust relationships in hand but eventually these seem to level out.
    Pretty women's bane of existence is the potential date rape or worse, I've learned but never expected.

  • I wouldn't care if she'd been raped and I'd do anything in my power to make her feel as comfortable as possible, just as I would with any girl.

    For the physical touch thing, I don't mind waiting to start hugging and breaking the touch barrier until she wanted my touch, but it might become a problem if I have to wait too long. For me, I can connect emotionally with someone, but to get past "just friends" a certain threshold has to be passed when it comes to physical touch. I already hug (or have hugged) most of my female friends, so the physical touch would have to go further than just hugging eventually.

  • I voted B, but that might not be true. If I fell head over heels with you, and you were actively in therapy and I could help you slowly move through it, I'd be willing to.

    Its just such a longshot that I'd fall head over heels with someone without touching them (not sex, but touch, etc) first. I'd probably incorrectly assume your avoidance of touch was disinterest in me, and move on, never knowing why.

  • I dated two women who told me they were raped. One was rather uncomfortable with physical contact, whereas the other was rather aggressive about physical contact.

    I'll not kid you, eHeart, it is a challenge. However, in the case of the rape survivor I dated who was uncomfortable with physical contact, it was not a challenge that we didn't overcome.

    By the way, eHeart, "I'm working on it" is akin to when my students say, "I'll try." I must say that "I'll try" are among my favorite words in the English language. You take care now.

  • Of course yes, it's not going to be the easiest relationship initially, it would take time, patience and persistence. But yes x

  • Too much baggage. I'd prefer someone further along in their recovery.

  • It's not the rape that would put me off, it's the reluctance for physical tough. I understand why you're hesitant completely, but if I couldn't even hug my girlfriend it just wouldn't work for me.

    • Agreed.

  • I wouldn't take being raped, etc... Into consideration when dating a girl, so no I wouldn't mind one bit.

    I know you've asked us to not talk about therapy? But have you tried RJ (restorative justice). It's used here in the UK and apparently it had a 85% victim satisfaction rate... It's when you meet up with the culprit and a counsellor to talk about how you feel.

    • It's been thought of but he has been more or less stalking me for almost 2 years now and I've done my best to make sure he doesn't even know what state I'm in.

    • eHeart95, if he is still stalking you, you should see if you can get a restraining order. It would most likely be difficult, and they make you be in the courthouse together and walk up the stage together, but if he still is stalking you it would probably be worth it.

  • Well as someone who went through the same thing I can tell you there are people that will not only date you but support you and help you through it. To this day if someone touches my face I flinch. I don't know if that reaction will ever go away. My girl knows it's because what happened to me so she doesn't take it personally.

    My advice is be up front about it so the guy doesn't think it's him.

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