Sexual Relationships 
Sexual Health 
Oh, a darling sweet young woman, having had her first roll in the hay had begun to worry about an STD because they had trouble using a condom and decided to go raw AND she had burning, itching and pain during sex and now an eruption of irritated red bumps around her vaginal opening. But what she said made me immediately jump to the conclusion that it was very unlikely to be an STD, because...
She said they had tried to use Vaseline as a lubricant with the condom.
Then there was AIDS
And we learned - those things also destroy condoms, and now everyone had to use condoms because sex could now actually kill you. And suddenly the lube market exploded!
So to this young woman I say, don't feel too bad. It's almost certainly not an STD, but most of all - it's not your fault the dumb sex ed in our country is so sanitized that kids get bored of the bullshit and quit listening.
So here it is kids. I'm a cranky old broad with a juicy, safe, informed sex life, and these are the things they should have told you about Lube, but didn't. (I'll try to make this brief, ok?)
Wet Vaginas: All human vaginas are naturally moist all the time. How moist? Think of your mouth when it's just dry enough you crave water - it's about that wet. In most women, with sexual arousal comes more moisture to the vagina - the moisture is mostly blood plasma with some mucus. Many reasons why some women don't get very wet - we're not broken, it's ok...just use lube.
Butts, on the other hand, do not self lubricate at all.
So for this, lets assume the two people are STD free, monogamous, and have their birth control figured out besides condoms, and when I say vaginal, it applies to fingering, female masturbation and intercourse, and when I refer to condoms they could be male or female condoms - here we go.........
Spit: Ok for vagina if no food particles, may not be enough, dries out fast. No good for anal or handjob - dries out too fast.
Water: Just doesn't work. Don't bother.
Various edible oils like Coconut or Olive: Bad for condoms. Bad for latex and silicone toys. Vagina can't clean it out as quickly as it needs to, so using it a lot may become irritating and throw the vagina off. Some women find it all very irritating, and some like it. Great for anal, handjob, male masturbation. So-so with female masturbation.
Crisco: bad for vag, good for butt stuff esp. fisting, bad for latex.
Butter/Margarine/Oleo/"Spread": Bad for everything and a waste of money and, if you're that desperate, just go take a cold shower.
"Boy Butter": Oil based sex lube for handjobs, anal and fisting. No bueno for condoms and vaginas. Comes in a tub and looks like margarine, which is very amusing. There's other lubes kind of like this.
The Basic Three "Good Ones"
Standard "Water Based" Lubes like KY Jelly and Astroglide: Condom safe, may dry and get sticky, tastes weird if you get any in your mouth. Many women find it is irritating and invites yeast infections, especially if they use it a lot. Really not good enough for anal or handjobs. Cheap, readily available, and already what's in a condom.
Silicone and Silicone Hybrid Lubes like Wet Platinum: Very slippery, long lasting, condom safe, latex toy safe, wrecks silicone condoms and toys. Great for anal and handjobs and masturbation. Some women find the vagina doesn't clean it out well and it can irritate if used too often. But I always have some handy. Oh and no taste or smell.
Advanced formula Water Based Lubes like Sliquid Sea: These vary a lot. Basically this is where you find a good all purpose vag lube that stays wet longer, doesn't irritate, and can be used often. You go here when you have identified which ingredients in the cheap basic lube is bothering your vagina. Maybe some of these are anal and handjob good, you have to know what to look for. I use Sliquid Sea - it's tatesless, odorless, matches the natural pH of the vag.
Needless to say, if it's made for cars, boats, RVs, industrial machinery and hardware/garage/handyman stuff: It is BAD for humans. Do not use. Can do severe harm.
The Lube that comes on the condom: Usually water based, helps keep the condom from drying out in the package and they all come this way now. Anyone remember those unlubricated Gold Circle condoms? Thick as a rain boot? Anyone? Buuuuuut - it's never actually enough lube, so always have other lube handy to add to it, especially for anal.
Pre-Seed: Some couples trying to get pregnant have reported that regular sex lubes keep the sperm from getting to the cervix in some cases, and kill off too many sperm in other cases, so there are special lubes made that are fertility friendly as they say. Pre-Seed is one of the brands.
Vaginal Moisturizers: Due to some medications, hormone level fluctuations, and the loss of estrogen in menopause, some women may experience dryness all the time, and not lubricate when aroused. This can be very irritating and painful, and make sex excruciating. For a persistent dryness, some vaginal moisturizers are made to basically keep the vagina from getting chapped. They are based on the same things as lubes but they add more of a hint of long lasting moisture, than a gushy sex lube would. They can be just enough to be good for spontaneous sex. YMMV.
Hand Lotion, Baby Oil, Mineral Oil, Glycerin, bath and body products, soap: Probably only good for use in handjobs and male masturbation because everywhere else it does damage and stings and ouch. Yes, I said ouch.
Vaseline/Petroleum Jelly: Has one use, and one use only - IF you are in a swimming pool, and you are both STD free and all that jazz, if you do this once in a while it will be ok. A little dab of Vaseline on both partners, uh...it's the ONLY way underwater sex produces any good friction at all, and you have to go sloooooooow. Yes Vaseline, your one good purpose has redeemed you.
Some of these are marketed specifically to men who have sex with men. They are all pretty high quality. Who knew there were so many?
Anal-Eze or lubricant containing benzocaine: Never ever ever ever use these for anything ever except applying to a bad sunburn. I don't want to get into why it is so bad for anal. Please, just trust me.
Warming/Tingling/Flavored Lubes: Flavored lubes taste like someone sprayed air freshener from the car wash in your mouth. But if you like 'em, they are usually water based like KY and same applies as above, but may be extra irritating for some women. Warming/Tingling Stuff - ok I guess, for vaginal. Probably numbs tongue a little if you get it in your mouth. Bad for anal because they can irritate your bowels so much that you, oh please don't make me say it.
Bonus Round: If you like something "iffy" and macabre and creepy sounding, or you want the most economical lube known to man, or you are really into fisting, you can purchase a product called J-Lube that arrives as a powder you mix with (impeccably clean, distilled) water. It is the consistency of walrus snot as best as I can tell. It's kinda weird. It's an obstetrical lube made for livestock veterinarians. Read all the research and use at your own risk. My review is that if you use just a tiny bit with silicone lube it gives it a more natural consistency for vaginal. It's considered condom safe. It's truly excellent for fisting and giant insertions when combined with Crisco. The $15.00 bottle is a good size and it makes about 900,000 gallons, or maybe like 700 gallons, I'm not sure, but that bottle will last you two decades you cheap so-and-so. Buy an extra for your Zombie Apocalypse survival kit, or just keep it in that bag in the car with the extra underwear, toothbrush and deodorant for surprise sleepovers. Dear Lord please do not strike me down for telling this stuff to young people.
This is over simplified, but review it anyway:
So, can you think of anything else someone might try to use as a lube? Let me know. We can discuss the pros and cons.
Most Helpful Girl