Sexual Relationships 
Sexual Health 
I have sexual dysfunction. I’ve had sexual dysfunction since my early 20’s thanks to epilepsy. It got worse when I had kids because the birth was physically traumatic. (I pushed once). My sexual dysfunction affects my natural lubricant (or lack there of) and my ability to orgasm.
I had several partners before my first marriage. I serial dated because I didn’t know what I wanted in a partner and I always felt uncomfortable sexually. Most of my partners would give up because I didn’t have an orgasm within a certain time frame. My ex husband even told me “why bother, you can’t have orgasms anyways.” So it became my expectation to be a sexual object, but not a sexual being.
Because of my my horrible experiences (and failed marriage) I decided to become celibate. I remained celibate for four years after I separated. Over time, any desire I had died.
Enter my husband. He was the first person I dated, ending my celibacy. Why is this special? I told him up front I have sexual dysfunction and have never orgasmed with a partner. It became his goal to have me experience an orgasm. He would spend hours on me, getting me closer than ever before. We decided to introduce toys, arousal gels/oils, and new sex techniques and that helped immensely. It still takes around an hour to get an orgasm with manual stimulation. If we are crunched for time, we bring out the toys as aid. Sometimes we have to forfeit the orgasm all together if pressed for time. Also, a very important item is lube, lots of lube. Dry sex is the major reason for painful sex. (Second is how your uterus sits. Woman with inverted uteruses often find doggy style and reverse cowgirl painful).
On the flip side, sometimes my husband will stay soft or become flaccid during intercourse. It used to be a huge ego blow for him. However, you can still be intimate even with a flaccid penis. Not widely known, but “soft sex” (intercourse with a flaccid or semi-hard penis) is still possible and is even encouraged for individuals with ED as a natural treatment. This technique requires a lot of patience and slow movements from both parties. Because of this, it can be more intimate that traditional “hard sex”. This is actually in practice in Tantric Sex.
Of course there are days when neither of us can really have sex, but that doesn’t mean intimacy has to end there. Being sex free does not equal being aromantic (not a spelling error). We often laze around nude, together. Being nude frequently without sex removes the expectation of having to have sex (which can be a huge factor in male and female sexual dysfunction). It also helps us rid ourselves of the body image issues. We see wrinkles, new stretch marks, weight bloat, hair... because this is a normal practice for us, we don’t fear disrobing on date nights.
My point is, toys and lube should be viewed as aides, not as a threat to the relationship. Patience is key to any sexual relationship with sexual dysfunction. Love yourself, your partner, and let your partner love you. Be open and honest. And always remember real life sex is not porn sex.
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