Sexual Relationships 
Sexual Health 
The world seems to revolve around pregnancy when you are pregnant. There are special parking places at some establishments, free samples come in the mail, friends and family want to touch your belly and shop with you, your healthcare team is always checking on you...
This becomes more painfully obvious when someone has either had a miscarriage, stillborn, or infant loss. We’re not encouraged to talk about it and make everyone else uncomfortable when we do.
Disclaimer: this post will be clinical and long, if you don’t like hearing about “lady bits” and “female issues” I suggest you stop reading now. Complaints about TMI or the length are pointless.
Definitions
Miscarriage:
The spontaneous loss of a woman’s pregnancy before the 20th week, that can be both physically and emotionally painful. The medical term is “spontaneous abortion”, but due to political and religious abortion issues, it’s often referred to as a “miscarriage”.
Missed Miscarriage:
AKA a missed abortion or a silent miscarriage. The fetus dies in the womb, however the mother’s body fails to recognize it and the womb and placenta continue to grow while the fetus stays the same size. Hormones continue to be released giving the illusion of a healthy pregnancy. Women with minimal prenatal care carry these the longest as they’re only caught by fetal doppler and confirmed by ultrasound.
Stillbirth:
Fetal death after 20 weeks gestation
Premature/Preemie:
A baby born after 20 weeks and before 37 weeks. Often resulting in a stay in NICU (neonatal intensive care unit). May have medical issues and be developmentally delayed behind their peers of same age.
Infant Death/Loss:
As it sounds, an infant dies. Often from complications from being premature, SIDS, infection, and medical issues. Occasionally from nutrition issues, trauma (shaken baby syndrome), social economic issues.
Ectopic Pregnancy:
A pregnancy that develops outside of the womb. This can be dangerous for the mother often requiring medication, sometimes surgery. The fetus does not survive.
Statistics:
•1 in 4 women will experience a miscarriage in their lifetime.
•Among women who know they’re pregnant, 1 in 6 end in a miscarriage.
•3 in 4 miscarriages end in the first trimester.
•80% of miscarriages during this time are caused from chromosomal abnormalities.
•Approximately 1% of all pregnancies end in a missed miscarriage.
•Women with a BMI over 30 have a miscarriage chance of 1 in 4.
•1 in every 80-90 pregncies is ectopic
•(happy one) Approx 1 in 100 women have recurrent miscarriages (3 or more in a row). More than 60% of these women have a successful pregnancy later.
•Women under the age of 30 have a 1 in 10 chance of their pregnancy ending in miscarriage
•Women aged 35-39 increases to 2-10 pregnancies
•Women over 45, more than half the pregnancies end in miscarriage.
Postpartum Care:
After delivering a baby, women are surrounded by family and friends. They have their medical team checking for Post Partum Depression during their postpartum checkups and during the neonatal visits... Everyone is caring for the new mother and wants to hear everything.
In a miscarriage, regardless of it being a chemical pregnancy, early miscarriage, or mid pregnancy; there is a hormone crash. There is not the transition of breastfeeding introducing new hormones. There is not the chemical bonding between mother and baby also introducing hormones. There’s just the crash into a void, waiting for the body to repair itself and go back into a cycle. This is a dangerous time for many women because depression and suicidal ideations creep in.
(Because there are no miscarriage survival kits)
Physical care:
Depending on on how far the pregnancy was, there will still be the aftercare a woman will have to do as if she delivered. She may have the miscarriage spontaneously, or may have had a missed miscarriage and have to have medical intervention such as medicine to induce labor or a D&C.
Maternity Leave:
Of course, most of us know the perks of maternity leave. Most don’t know there is no leave available for women with miscarriages. Some are able to take some sick time, others have to work and fear bleeding through everything (at which point, they’re finally sent home).
Mental Health:
As I stated, women are watch for Postpartum depression after delivery. And they are offered many resources. However, women who suffered a miscarriage are not offered any services. “Because it is medically common, the impact of miscarriage is often understated.But miscarriage is a traumatic loss, not only of the pregnancy, but of a woman’s sense of self and her hopes and dreams of the future.” (Janet Jaffe, PhD. Co-author of 2010 book: Reproductive Trauma: Psychology with Infertility and Pregnancy Loss Clients).
Even after a successful birth, if the woman has a history of miscarriages, she is at higher risk for Postpartum Depression. Approximately 15% of women can feel extreme bouts of depression and anxiety for 3 years following the birth of their “rainbow baby”.
It it has been proven that women who miscarry early may feel grief as strongly as one who had a late miscarriage or even a stillbrith. However, society shames these women for feeling grief. Late miscarriages and stillborns can be held by their parents and even have mini burials. Women who have a failed IVF cycle (the fetuses did not attach to the uterus) or early miscarriage are technically invisible, and therefore not validated.
Recovering from an early loss can take longer than a late miscarriage or stillbirth because they’re often told to “get over it”, “it wasn’t even a baby yet”, “at least it happened early”. Although many women have the support of their SO, they may be the only one grieving over the loss in an early miscarriage as SO’s and family don’t usually get excited until they see ultrasounds.
Men and pregnancy loss: (please know many of these can apply to a lesbian relationship as well)
Myth: miscarriages and stillbirth doesn’t affect men.
Case studies show that a father’s grief is largely dismissed by others. They’re often told “meh, you’ll have other children.” Since sadness is not socially acceptable in men, most will mask it as anger. They also struggle with the physical loss of their wives during a miscarriage.
The most common complaint with SO’s during grief counseling is “I lost her and I don’t know how to get her back.” “When can I go back to her? I miss her.”
For ideas to keep intimacy alive (even when you can’t have sex), please read my other MyTake “Keeping a Relationship Alive Through Difficult Times”.
What can we do?
Keep tabs on on your friends and family who have gone through this. Suggest grief counseling. Be an advocate and let them talk about miscarriage; make it less of a taboo. Talk to others about it. 1 in 4 is a high amount, but the lack of discussion makes it seem rare.
Thank you for the read.
If you are in denial over how people can act when others bring up miscarriages, feel free to read the comment section of the preceding article: How Miscarriages Changed my Life.
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