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I'm MTF transgender, and I thought I'd share what it's like being so.
I'm still pre-op; I only transitioned in November after having FFS (facial feminization surgery) in October (Here's my Mytake on that: https://www.girlsaskguys.com/h ealth-fitness/a50096-what-it-s-like-getting-facial-feminization-surgery ), and you can't have SRS until you've lived as your true gender for a year.
In almost every way I hate being trans. For me it's meant having to endure decades of uncertainty and doubt about who I am, decades of feeling emptiness because I was unable to be sure about who I am.
I showed no signs of femininity as a child; my favorite toy in fourth grade? G.I. Joe. It was only when I was a few years into puberty that I began to realize that things were wrong. When you're sexually attracted to girls and being so is a new thing, it's not immediately obvious to yourself that what you feel towards them is not just attraction, but also envy. Like sure, all of a sudden I was into boobs, but never having felt that way before, how was I to know that wishing that I had them wasn't a normal part of desiring them?
By eight grade I did know that there was something different about me, and that difference was that I should have been born female. Yet that changed nothing about how I lived my life. Why? Unlike some transgender people, I wasn't repulsed by being my genetic sex. I didn't hate being male; in many ways I enjoyed masculinity. I reveled in my nickname of "Boomer", which I'm sure some of my college rowing teammates still think of me as. Yet something was always wrong. Some part of me always felt apart even as I felt as masculine. The best way that I can describe how I felt about being a woman is "being on the outside looking in".
For many years after college I did nothing about how I felt and continued to live as a guy. I even had a girlfriend, and the feelings I felt towards her were totally masculine. I wanted to hold her, to protect her, to have her femininity complement my masculinity. I felt angry when there was nothing that I could do about the asthma attacks that she suffered because it made me feel powerless. But our relationship was not to be, and that was because deep down some part of me knew that I couldn't be a man.
Many transgender people worry about getting the shrink's letter that they need to start hormone therapy. I didn't. Why? Because I was so uncertain and doubtful about who I am that it finally reached the point where my then shrink said "I can't tell you what you should do, I can't give you any advice. But what I can tell you is that I think you're a candidate for hormones, and here's the letter you need to get them". Spurred on by that vote of confidence, I started HRT (hormone replacement therapy). Yet a few months after I started I was still so uncertain that I stopped them. Why exactly? Damned if I know- all I know is that it wasn't right at that point. I changed therapists and felt more certain about who I am, certain enough to restart HRT and a year and a half later, have FFS.
Restarting HRT when I was 100% certain was amazing. For the first time in my life, I could feel my body become as it was meant to be. Having FFS was magical- in one fell swoop it became possible for other to look upon me and see my true self. You can't imagine what it's like to no longer have to look in the mirror and see someone of the opposite sex.
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