Sexual Health
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How do I tell my wife this?

So my wife doesn't like giving head and we have agreed that I can get head from a friend of mine that is gay. He didn't have a problem with it and has actually had a crush on me for awhile. Well it happened like once a month at first and then started happening more. I was a straight man and would never have thought but he gave the best blowjobs and orgasms I have ever had. This then turned into me returning the favor to him because I was growing curious of what it was like. By this time me and my wifes sex life was little to none. I was seeing my friend daily and things were getting more and more involved with us. We started kissing and then one day after talking about it it happened and he f***ed me. I can't even describe the feeling of acceptance and it felt right when we became one. I haven't had sex with my wife in over two months and she is starting to ask questions. I don't even want to have sex with her or any female at that. the thought actually doesn't seem right to me. I belong under only one man. Our relationship is beyond over I know that but how do I explain and tell my wife this? I don't even know where to start
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Most Helpful Girls

  • I may be looking at things from a completely wrong perspective here, but I feel as if your wife drove you into the arms of that man herself. When two people who love each other are in a relationship that is not being consummated by sex, there is a problem. The solutions are often difficult; talking things through, forcing it to happen, even counseling. But if you give your husband or wife you consent to allow them to have sex with a third party, they should realize that ANYTHING can happen. And their partners falling for the person granting them sexual favors can indeed happen. Namely, because sex is often more than sexual. Especially when finding it outside of a relationship that's missing something emotional. The fact that you fell for another man is insignificant. The fact of the matter is you're feeling something real and intense for someone either than your wife. That's the error. Your wife was wrong to assume that since your partner was a man that things would be okay. You failed to mention why it was that your wife stopped having sex with you. When a woman forgoes sex with her husband, there is usually something negative going on in her life. Perhaps she is hurting about something? Perhaps she even had the feeling that things between you and her were not right and that you might possibly be gay?

    All you an really do hon, is go to her and tell her the truth. You know you owe her that much. What more can you tell her, but the things she already knows, and then the bits and pieces that she doesn't?

    Tell her that you've been doing what she's allowed you to (being pleasured by another man), and that over time you have begun to enjoy it a little more than intended. This has nothing to do with the fact that you guys have not been having sex. You enjoyed it because you were probably like this to begin with and you didn't even know it. Let her know that you are sorry that things did not go as planned, but that you are happy and content. Let her know that you have found yourself and that your only regret was the possibility of hurting her in the process. Because truth be told, she told you that you could engage in oral with the guy. Nothing else. You broke that vow, and for that you should feel ashamed and make amends.

    I hope that you and your partner work out alright, and that your wife will be okay. It's better to have this happen rather than live a lie.

    Good Luck!

  • I totally agree with helmsgirl here. There was something more than sexual going on, between you and you wife, that had caused this entire issue. This guy, well, he fulfills you sexually and emotionally, and you have the right to that. It doesn't matter that it is a guy, and it wouldn't matter if it was a girl. He is what you need, and you should go after that. Personally, any woman that would consent to her husband having sexual intimacy with another person because she didn't want to do it herself-well, she wasn't in it for the intimacy, and she probably has some emotional issues concerning yourself, and she's only worried now that she sees it will most likely affect her life in ways she wasn't planning for.

    In other words, she thought she could have a replacement for the things she found too tedious to do, and she worried that you've found someone who will replace everything she does. Which is true.

    But what to do? Well, be honest and come clean. It's obvious your marriage is over, and it seems time to admit that and explain everything to her. She's going to be upset, but you have a right to happiness, and maybe after everything is said and done, perhaps she can find someone to fulfill her like you have found.

  • i don't have to much experience in this field because I'm only 16, but I strongly believe that if you love someone no one else should make you feel that it is wrong. your wife agreed to you and the other man having bj's so it wasn't like you were going behind her back. If you enjoyed it and you feel that it is right for you to be with men then you should tell her so, and end the relationship. be truthful with her, make sure she knows that its not her fault and make sure that you know that its not your fault either. Love is blind, and you can't help if your not attracted to women.

Most Helpful Guys

  • Your wife is now very far from your circle of sexual energy. I don't think she is ready to understand. Since you have invested so much of your sexuality with this other person this is where your intentions and attention remain. Ask yourself what the purpose of explaining all of this to her is for? YOu have violated your marriage by giving your sexual energies away to someone else but that was something you seem to have needed to do. We always wait way too long to include our partner in our decision making processes and now you both are far apart. If you need to break off the marriage vow you need to deal with this so that she has a fair shake at doing what she wants to do with her life also, that's being respectful of her life as well as yours. Just tell her that your feelings have become very attracted to someone else and you are considering a gay life style and need time alone to consider all of this. If you have courage you would take a month or so and weigh all of this without all of these sexual energies impacting your decision, most can not do this - they keep up the attractions until the energies again balance and you find yourself in a new set of problems or decisions. Begin to come into your self more rather than be entangled with others and you will make the more loving choice - which ever way you feel led to go. it is your life, no one elses.

  • well I would say that if you would let your friend do this, you weren't a strait man to begin with... It will be a hard conversation. But if you are gay, you have no business leading her on, so let her know, and hopefully leave with everyone's emotions in tact

    • I agree with this. A true straight man would have never considered this. He may have considered a female acquaintance but not the same gender. A lot of issues here.

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What Girls & Guys Said

11 4

  • Tell her the truth. If she can allow a gay male to perform oral sex on you, then this is a woman who clearly wants 'out' in the marriage...but is waiting for YOU to do so. Trust me, tell her, she will be relieved!

  • Just explain it like you did here. And the sooner the better. Be very gentle about it but don't drag it out. I mean she opened the door to this so she can't exactly be mad about it. That's why marriage was meant to be monogamous and sacred. So you're gay now and you understand it. Great. Now file those divorce papers so that you can both move on with your lives and be with the ones that make you happy.

  • Well for one you can start by telling her you finally realized you're gay... That's the only logical way this can go... actually if she said you could go get blown by a guy and you DID it, I'm pretty sure she knows by now. O_o

  • i think she will be relieved to know what is going on so tell her before she goes crazy or somethin. tell her just like you told us she will understand she pretty much already said it was okay so she should not get mad about you starting to have feelings for him well what did she think was going to happen? she had to of known she was loosing you at that time. so if she really hates giving head and you really love it then that is obviously a big problem in your relationship.

  • WOW. I can't believe she would even let you get blow jobs from a man. I would be really jealous! But anyway, just tell her just like you told us, and we're strangers. Her heart will be broken but the truth is better than nothing at all. Everything happens for a reason, so live your life to the fullest and follow your heart. I hope everything works out.

  • The truth, and soon; no need to drag this out. If you're done with women, your wife deserves to find a guy who isn't.

    • Question asker is done with this woman, at this moment . He got permission and found a guy who was willing and it happened. His wife has to have the liberty to get another one. Or accept Q.A. as he is.

  • I wish all men and all women were bisexual. That would make the world a better place. Try asking her to have sex with a woman, maybe she likes it better.

  • There is no going around it, your going to have to tell her the truth. You cannot be subtle on this matter.

  • Yeahh tell her the truth! she's stuppid for not wanting to give you a head in the first place.

    • That is a stupid answer in the first place

    • How about you give a better answer?

  • yea tell her the truth... because technically you are cheating on her. and that's not right.

  • Well you know things happen for a reason ...Tell her the truth, if she doesn't understand you already know it was her fault...But be very honest let her know what's going on! Good Luck

  • wow gay...

    your disgusting. I'm not against gays but that's is a dick move. your poor wife.

    • "poor wife" was OK with it.

    • Yea, his wife told him it was okay in the first place.

    • She was okay with him receiving blowjobs only, and nothing beyond that. but even that seems pretty messed up to me so idk

  • wow dude that is majorly screwed up!

  • I think helms_girl was somewhat correct: you're getting something emotional from this new guy as much as you're getting physical attention.

    Do you have kids? That's what my answer hinges on. If you don't have kids, I say file for divorce and be honest. If you do have kids, I think you're morally obligated to stay with your wife and create a stable home until the kids are out of the house.

    • That whole staying together for the kids thing doesn't work anymore. It is better to have two parents that are seperated, happy, and providing stability then to have two parents stay together and have the tension, sneaking around, and possible fights because they are both unhappy. I know that when my parents got divorced the family was sooo much better.

  • Wow, is she on this site too? Cause I heard this same story on here except it was a female and she was saying that she allows her husband to get head from a gay guy when she is on here period. Is that her?

    So your gay now, you know that right? You are no longer straight anymore. I think that deep down inside you were always secretly attracted to men and now you found yourself. You like it better with men. Don't be ashamed of that. You have to tell her the truth or she will be more hurt if she has to find out on her own. That's part of marriage. She can't be too mad at you for the fact that she agreed with you being sexually with a gay man. She pretty much opened the door with you for this to happen. Honesty is the best policy.

    • Between "gay" and "hetero" there is a large gray zone: bisexuality but also occasional homosexual acts, which isn't the same.

    • Bi is gay too regardless if you are still having sex with your opposite sex. The fact that you are having sex period with the same sex makes you gay. now because its not just your same sex you are having sex with gives you another name bi. St8t is strictly str8t, Bi is saying you go both ways, so you are gay cause you do have sex with the same gender get it?

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