Is oral sex REALLY that important to a relationship?

[Anonymous]

I've been reading around, and there seem to be two extremes: those who feel that oral sex is a deal breaker, and those who feel a person's wishes should be respected. I'm of the opinion that a person's wishes should be respected, be it the girl not wanting to go down on her guy, or the guy not wanting to go down on his girl, or any number of things. I understand that sexual compatibility is an important part of a relationship, but it is only a PART. It's not the entire relationship. I've been surprised again and again with how many people have said, "I'd never be with someone who wouldn't give oral." Really? Is it really that big a deal? Relationships are supposed to be about give and take, and finding mutual comfort zones, not completely throwing someone away because they won't perform one act. At least, serious relationships should be about that. If you're in it just for the sex, then I suppose you can be as picky as you want. And also, if this one act (or any ONE thing) is as important to you as you think it is, than maybe it's time to find someone who shares that with you, instead of making the other person feel uncomfortable. Or just get over it, and enjoy the fact that you have someone who loves you. I wouldn't throw my boyfriend away just because he doesn't like my favorite genre of music. Nor would I make him listen to it. And music is my life, I'm a music major in my third year of conservatory! (And I do have a boyfriend, who in fact can't stand my favorite genre.) I guess I just find it hard to believe that people would get so hung up on one thing like oral sex that they aren't even willing to give someone else a chance. I'm not saying everyone is like that, I've read a quite a few who seem to have the same idea as I do. But there are also quite a few who don't. Thoughts, opinions, comments...? As a side note, I'm not attempting to attack anyone on this. I'm not saying one way is better, or that you're a total jerkweed for feeling the way you do. I simply want to have an open discussion on the topic.

[missnicole]

Hrmm.. Well, what a couple does sexually..the shared intimacy between them is on quite a different level than what sort of music they like.

I guess the thing is..people have preferences..and if there is something they really enjoy then they may have a hard time being in a relationship knowing its just never going to happen.

Of course, it would be unreasonable to expect a woman to do oral if she doesn't like it...so a decent guy wouldn't push the issue. On the flip, that leaves zero compromise. I'm not really even sure how having no compromise in a relationship can really work.

She gets what she wants, and he simply has to do without. If he truly loves and cares about her, then its entirely possible to try and let it go. But then one could also say, what does that mean that she feels he doesn't deserve it?

To take another intimate activity as an example...would you okay with it if your boyfriend did not like to kiss at all? My boyfriend has serious OCD...something about the whole thing just creeps him out horribly. He's compromised though, and he'll give me a peck on the lips...cause he knows Id love to feel his lips. It never even occurred to me anyone wouldn't like doing that (googled the heck out of that when we started dating) If I didn't love him so much, and he wasn't willing to compromise..yeah, that would be a dealbreaker. Can't imagine going through the rest of my life knowing Ill never be kissed again.

[mouse26]

I like your answer

[Asker]

I suppose this is where I differ from the "norm." I enjoy music far more than just about anything out there, and that in itself is me being intimate. The enjoyment and satisfaction (yes, satisfaction) I get from my music, so far, beats anything I've yet to experience. Not saying it'll stay like that, but so far... (we've been going out for a year now.) And I'm okay with that! And he's ok with that! I used to be like your boyfriend. I hated kissing. Thought it was the nastiest thing out there

[Asker]

I have over time changed my mind. But I don't think it would be a deal breaker for me. I don't particularly care for it in the first place, so if my partner doesn't either, than we're good. My main point is that so many people seem hung up on the one act of oral sex, that other things apparently don't come into play. But I agree on compromising. But only so far as one is willing to go. I wouldn't expect my boyfriend to do something he absolutely did not like. Regardless of what it was.

[missnicole]

Listening to music is a solitary experience... If yoru boyfriend didn't like your music, you could use headphones when he's around, or blast it when he's not home. He doesn't have to take part for you to be able to continue to enjoy the music you like. Sex with your partner is a shared intimate experience..you can't have sex with with yoru partner if they aren't there. That's masturbation. And unless a guy can suck himself, that she won't do it means he can never have it.

[missnicole]

Yeah, compromise is very important. When it comes to sex, what you will or won't do with your partner can affect things, cause that's a shared intimate experience and and expression of love. That's where compatibility comes into play too. I personally couldn't constantly leave my partner unsatisfied and decide he just has to deal with it cause I'm not going to try. There's no balance in that.

[missnicole]

BTW! I'm not saying you or anyone should do something they absolutely will not do. We all have our boundaries... But it may then be better to be with someone who is more compatible and satisfies our needs, emotionally and physically. Cause its not fair to you to feel pressured, and its not fair to him to just do without.

[Asker]

All true! But if you're in a serious enough relationship (which I can't really claim to know a whole lot about), doesn't that mean that there are some things you just might have to go without? If your entire family lives on the East coast, but your boyfriend got a job on the West coast, you just might have to go without seeing your family as much to be with him. Just like if your girlfriend doesn't like giving you oral, it's something you just might have to go w/o. But it comes down to how serious you are.

[missnicole]

Well, you woudnt be doing without your family. Unless he says you can never see your family again...then I wouldn't go anywhere with him! Its all still compromise..youd get to see your family..just not every day. I honestly can't thing of anything where one loving partner can logically say to another..you will never have/see/do this again if you want to be with me..with the exception of drug use.

[Asker]

Again, you make very good points! I suppose I'm mostly adament on this point because I, personally, do not feel comfortable enough to have anything to do with oral sex, and I don't feel my boyfriend is missing out on a whole lot. He would tell me if he thought he was. So this is a topic where we both have come to an understanding, and are happy with the agreement. It's just taken me by suprise that there are a lot of people who put so much emphasis on this one thing.

[missnicole]

Oh yeah, if you and your boyfriend both are completely fine with not having oral and it has no affect on your relationship, then that is good on many levels...you were able to talk and be honest with each other and come to something that works for both of you. That's important in a relationship. If someone says theyll never be with someone who doesn't do oral, its better theyre honest about it and be with somone who does than be with someone who doesn't do it, and try to convince her to. :)

[Tamikaze]

What would make or break a relationship is complex and I also would find it hard to believe that one thing, whether it is a particular sex act or a type of music, is enough to break a relationship. But, combined with several incompatibilities, it could be a problem and a deal breaker.

I cannot say I would compare oral sex to musical choices. The enjoyment you get from an orgasm trumps the enjoyment you get from listening to music, so I would not consider the desire for oral sex to not be a big deal. What brings a person to orgasm or gives them sexual excitement is something that can be pretty particular and it is important. If you are with a guy who really, really enjoys that particular activity, and you really, really don't, you may have a deal breaker and it doesn't mean he is shallow or you are a prude. It just means you have sexual preferences that are not compatible and probably not changeable either.

[Asker]

I agree about what makes or breaks a relationship is complex, and does depend on a lot of things. Which is why I've been surprised over and over again by the number of people who claim that the lack of desire to give oral is deal breaker. I just don't believe it. And comparing the two: I don't enjoy sex. I am a little experienced, and I don't consider myself a prude, but I get more enjoyment out of listening to certain peices of music than I do from sex. But that's just me! :)

[Tamikaze]

I understand about the enjoyment of sex for a girl in her teens or 20's. I didn't get much out of it then either, but things have changed :) What people say would be a deal breaker before they are in a relationship or emotionally attached to someone is not the same as what they would really do once they have that commitment. Once you are in love with someone it is a little hard to just throw that away over one thing.

[Tamikaze]

And I can add this. I am highly suspect of a guy who does not like giving oral. This has always been coupled with their overall lack of interest in giving me pleasure. They appear to pretty much expect that whatever they want to do is sufficient to get me off, which is usually not the case.

[Asker]

This is true! And pretty much what I've been hoping to hear from someone. A gentleman made a comment much like that. He's happy with his girlfriend even though she won't do oral on him. I respect him for it! Granted, he seems a little upset by it, but he's not dumping her for it. And I'm sure as time goes on, my opinion of sex will change.

[mrsvincenoir]

I don't think its the be all and end all,that is I wouldn't call it a deal breaker if it didn't happen.

It depends say if a guy like receiving and not giving,or vice versa,then it has the potential to get to be a deal breaker I guess.

I think relationships need compromise at times,whats important to one person isn't going to be important to someone else so its a case of finding someone who is compatible or being able to compromise on it.

I think if my man wasn't into it,it wouldn't cross my mind to finish with him because of it, but,and maybe its selfish,i wouldn't do it for him either,because its give and take after all ;o)

If people would genuinely throw away a relationship for that reason alone it seems shallow to me...priorities I guess,and everyone is different.

[Jack_C]

i think that its somewhat important. personally, I think its one of the best gifts you can give somebody. and its a very nice gesture. if I had a girlfriend, I would go down on her every chance I got. I would hope that she would appreciate it enough to return the favor. but every girl is different. just like every guy is different. some guys would never consider going down on a girl, which I think is foolish and would hurt the relationship. other guys could stay down there for hours. its the same with women. some girls absolutely love giving head, while others look at it as a chore. but there has to be some kind of middle ground, ya know. don't give a guy head every night if he refuses to return the favor. but every one is different. if you think that oral is important, then let your guy know. don't let it be a deal breaker, but it is very important to some people.

[Asker]

I guess I don't like looking at it as a "favor." If it's a "favor" then I have the choice to not do it. If it's something you enjoy doing for your partner, than do it because you enjoy that they enjoy it. Not because you're expecting something in return. Unless that's something you've discussed, of course. I think a lot of this boils down to communicating what one wants out of the sexual aspect of a relationship. It seems a lot of people just expect their partners to know what they want.

[TwiztedTD]

I am in a relationship right now where my girl does not like to give me oral, and I LOVE to. I could do it all day all night and still want to give her more.

She does not do it to me. Last time was a year ago.

I miss it a lot, and probably think about receiving oral every day. Its always on my mind.

I don't think its a deal breaker, but I have a lot of deep resentment because she will not do it to me. I've recently stopped doing it to her. Yes yes, I know that's selfish but I've found myself less willing to do it to her if she won't do it to me.

I am happy with her, and wouldn't split up with her over it, but it does bug me a lot.

[Asker]

I have a lot of respect for a guy like you. You're not making her do something she's not comfortable with, and it's not a deal breaker for you. But does she expect you to do it to her? Because that's not fair at all, and I don't blame you for being upset about it. I wouldn't ask/expect/want my boyfriend to go down on me in the first place, but if he still does? That's his choice, and I don't feel that the "favor" needs to be returned. He's enjoying himself, and that makes ME happy.

[TwiztedTD]

She doesn't really expect me too... But if I come and she doesn't while we are having sex... she kinda expects me too.

[Asker]

Hmm... seems like a tough situation. I'm sure there are other ways to make her happy without oral sex. I can't really say, because I don't have a WHOLE lot of experience, but I'd like to think there are. Hope everything works out for you! :)

[shewonderswhy]

Have you tried talking with her about it and how unhappy you are with the current situation? It's not good to have deep resentment....

[TwiztedTD]

Yup, I have talked to her... no change. She just doesn't like to do it... so I will live with it.

[ChloeF]

That's a real clear answer missnicole - and a great one too. I just want to add that if you're not secure in what you're doing, you don't need to experiment directly. I learned what I know from reading Jack's Blowjob Lessons and it totally changed our sex life and our partnership.

[tinyclit]

It is important for people in a long term relationship that involves sex to be sexually compatible. If they are not, then they will be miserable. Divorce rates are already too high. Many hypocrites out there have been married and divorced four or more times! Personally I love oral sex and would never start a relationship with or get married to any man that didn't also like it.

[20Questions]

It ain't a deal breaker for me