How to tell my boyfriend I got raped?

[Anonymous]

I'm not quite sure how to tell my boyfriend I got drugged and raped at a party. I do think it's my fault that it happened seeing as I let myself get way too intoxicated but that makes it so much harder to tell him.. It's been about 2 weeks since it happened and I don't know how to tell him.. We have been dating for 8 months and are pretty serious even though we've only been together a short time. He doesn't care that I drink or party and he trusts me. And had every reason to trust me. Until now.. I feel like it's all my fault and I can't do anything to change it. The guy who raped me says I didn't say no. That I only tried to push him off me three times. And " was asking for it " and "was passed out most the time" and was " useless anyways" . Me, being a virgin up until that day finds that's really hard to believe seeing as I didn't like the guy and don't sleep around that I wouldn't have said no. I don't remember much and find it hard to go Into more details seeing as he was pretty violent. I've talked to some friends and they said that it is partly my fault for getting so messed up I couldn't be in control. But I guess I don't know if it's my fault or not.. I just need some advice and guidance I don't have anyone to really talk to about this and I can't just forget it happened my boyfriend deserves to know I just don't know how to tell him.. And how to accept what his reaction will be

[wannabeintellectual]

I am so sorry that happened to you. If you were intoxicated, passed out and unconscious during sex, than it was rape. If you pushed him away it was rape. If you were drugged, it was definitely rape. Its not your fault; rape is never the victim's fault. That's like being murdered and saying its the victims fault. Or having something stolen, and saying its the victim's fault. All of the fault is on your rapist. Do not feel like it was partially your fault at tall. There are things that make you more susceptible to it like being intoxicated, but you didn't do anything wrong. Being intoxicated doesn't give anyone else the right to rape you. From a legal perspective, it's illegal to have intercourse with an unconscious or heavily intoxicated person. Basically if they aren't of a conscious mind and you know that, taking advantage of them is wrong/rape.
Back to your question, you sit down when he is not stressed out by everything, and you tell him that there is something he needs to know. You tell him the facts that he needs to know: that you were raped, you were a virgin, you were drugged and intoxicated, you pushed him away three times, and you were passed out when it happened. You should apologize for waiting to tell him, but explain that you've been having a difficult time with it/processing it. Then briefly explain to him your current state of mind about it. In a way this will be a test on your relationship. I highly doubt he will get mad at you for being raped. If he does than he isn't worth anything. He probably will be upset though, angry or sad for you but not because you did anything wrong. At first, I wouldn't talk about your feeling that it was your fault to him, that might plant those seeds in your head. However, be prepared for him to want to ask you questions and talk about it. I wouldn't go into gruesome details about it to him. Just Guys tend to be very protective over the sexuality of women they're dating so this probably will upset him/bother him.

[wannabeintellectual]

What I meant to say in the one bit is that since it wasn't your fault, you shouldn't tell him it was your fault. That may confuse him and plant those seeds in his head. I'm not saying to never tell him that you have those feelings, but, in all honesty, I would withhold that until later in the conversation or relationship. If you really want to explain, perhaps put in terms of the emotional presence of guilt. "I have victim's guilt, and I feel guilty by what happened... and so forth. You shouldn't get into details at first about the actual anatomic details of the rape, either. Wait for him to ask questions if he wants to know, but he probably won't. The truth is, you should never go into details about past sexual experiences with romantic partners. It just isn't a good idea.

[apismelifera]

Let me stop right here at the beginning and reiterate what several other very sensible people have said: THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. There is no freebie that lets this guy off the hook for what he did, and he doesn't get to blame you. An intoxicated person (whether drunk, drugged, or otherwise impaired) is not able to give consent. An unconscious person is very definitely not able to give consent. While you may not have said no with your words (and I can't say I put much faith in your rapist's word that you didn't), you clearly said no with your actions in trying to push him off. Once is more than enough to indicate that you didn't consent to having sex with him. He doesn't get to say you didn't try to push him off enough and therefore it's not *really* rape. And "asking for it" is just straight-up bullshit. If you were robbed, no one would say you were "asking for it" by going around with a wallet full of money.

As for your friends... I do not have kind thoughts about them right now. I would suggest trying to find more supportive, less victim-blaming friends. Because the appropriate response from friends would be to reassure you that it's not your fault (because it's not--it is that awful, awful dude's fault), and make sure you're getting the kind of care you need right now.

There's no easy way to talk about this with your boyfriend. Try to tell him somewhere relatively private and comfortable, and try to be relatively straightforward about it. If he's a potential sexual partner, it's important for him to know so that he can bear with you and be respectful of your needs if you have any issues with sex in the future because of this event. If he's not supportive and respectful, or if he blames you for being raped, then he's not the kind of guy you need to be dating, and I'm sorry you've found out in such an awful and painful way.

[apismelifera]

Since I don't know where you live or how old the guy who raped you is, I can't say for sure, but if he's over 18, it's possible that he also committed statutory rape. In that case, as I understand it, whether you consented to have sex with him or not at the time doesn't matter, because you would essentially be considered incapable of giving consent. If it is statutory rape according to your local laws and you have decided against reporting your rape to the police because you feel they'll also blame you for your rape, you might consider whether you would be comfortable with reporting him for the statutory rape, which would hopefully sidestep some of those issues (as much as they can be sidestepped for any woman who's been sexually assaulted, at least).

[Phantasm01]

It is never anyone's fault that they got raped. It doesn't matter what you did or drink or whatever. It is not your fault no matter what the other person said. I would say speak to your parents, talk to the police, I know its been 2 weeks from what you said but go to the hospital and have an exam done. If they drugged you like you said it could still be in your system. There is a rape drug out there and this person should not be allowed to walk around so he can do this again to someone! Press charges on him. I know it will be hard but it is not your fault EVER!

Talk to your parents and if you can't then go to a crisis center www.rainn.org/.../national-sexual-assault-hotline

You need to talk to someone and start believing it is not your fault. I would do all of these things before talking to your boyfriend. It will help you to think a bit more clearly and maybe someone at the rape crisis center can help you a little more on how to speak to your parents and boyfriend.

Oh Sweetie, I am so sorry this has happened to you. Feel free to message me privately if you need to talk. I do not know where you are or if you are even in the U. S. but if you need more resources please let me know I will do what I can to help you.

[Charming27]

How is it your fault? He (the rapist) admitted that you tried to stop him but that you were incapacitated. That to me sounds like his admission to guilt. If you were pushing him off, how is it that you were asking for it. I think it is a case of a smiley bastard who has wanted to have sex with you finding the opportunity where you are in a state where you cannot defend yourself.

It might keep you from drinking too much next time but that doesn't absolve him of blame and it doesn't make you guilty. Rape is rape regardless if the girl is sober, has been drugged, or is drunk.

I would guess you bf reaction would be rage and anger at the rapist (if he isn't angry then there is something wrong with him).

I am not sure how best to tell him but if it affects your relationship then at some point you will need to let him know. I would almost get a close friend to tell him and make it look like it is in confidence and that you didn't want to say anything because you were ashamed or something.

[Charming27]

oops slimy bastard... not smiley bastard...

[stevie123]

That guy that raped you should be charged. You should go to the police and get it out. He will do it again.
Then your BF will know it was an assault against you, and not done willingly. My ex Gf was raped and she was a virgin. She told me after we started dating, and it had no affect on my thoughts of her as it was an
involuntary event. No girl loses value because of it, as some might think. It was not your fault. It was your attackers fault, and I encourage you to tell your family and the authorities. It doesn't help to keep it bottled up, but it does help your attacker, every day that he gets away with it. Remember your words=he was violent and I pushed him off, then passed out. Save other innocent girls by exposing this monster.
PS-I don't care for your "friends"

[Peter0]

The guy who raped you is an asshole. You didn't say "yes" but he went and assaulted you for his own pleasure.

You only pushed him off of you three times? Even for guys who have the whole "she didn't say no" bullshit in their heads, that's over the top. And then he's saying it's your fault? No, not at all :(

Find a rape crisis center. Get advice there. Go to the police - it'd be a mess, but it can be a good way to deal with it.

As for how to tell your boyfriend, I'd can see two ways:
Talk to the rape crisis people first. It'll give you perspective on how to tell him, what words to use. Let him know you were afraid to tell him, and want his help.
If it's really hard to go to the center, ask your boyfriend to take you. "I need you to do a favor for me today. I was raped the other week at a party, and I've been too scared to tell you. I want you to come with me to the rape crisis center..."
There are other ways, I'm sure.

Just so you're aware, if/when you two start having sex, things might be hard. Talk to him beforehand, make sure he realizes he needs to check in with you before doing anything ("would you like me to touch you?" "I could put on a condom if you like" etc), and if you can't do something, see if there's something less difficult to do... sex can still work.

I'm so sorry this happened to you :( It's even harder when your friends don't give you as much support as they should, and you've got to fight against the attitude that it was your fault somehow. You weren't asking for it, you weren't inviting it, you just have to deal with the mess. I'm really glad you asked the question - reaching out to people is a good thing! :) Chin up, you can get through this.

Good luck!

[Peter0]

Oh, hey, how old *are* you?

[Asker]

Thank you so much for your advice and nice words! I am seriously going to consider going to a crisis center. And I'm 17

[rotarymoon]

He is not an "asshole/jerk"... he is multitude of levels lower... aka a rapist and a person who has sex with passed out underage girls who can't properly give their consent.

[Peter0]

Very true rotarymoon. We don't have appropriate words :p Asker, I hope you go - they are there to deal with exactly your situation, so they should be able to help! (I was asking about age to consider "age of consent" laws - if you were younger, it'd be super easy to put him in jail where it belongs.) I can't do much beyond offering hope and positive thoughts. I've dated several women who were raped at some point, and it's pretty awful. I mean for them, not for me. I helped on girlfriend get into therapy, and that helped a LOT, so if you're having a hard time down the line, consider it. It's like a personal trainer for the mind instead of the gym! And again, they've got background to help with this.

[Peter0]

Oh! Let me add (from a guy's point of view): He's probably going to want to know what he can do to help/protect you. Wanting to help is obvious, and guys are trained to want to protect girls. Don't feel bad if he goes too far - he's probably adrift, scared, and angry... and if it happens, just let him know you're old enough to deal with this, and you have ways that he can help. And make sure to share with him things that will help! Hey, I'd like lots of hugs (if that's what you want). Hey, can I call you if I need to talk? Hey, I need to do something fun to get a break from thinking about this. Can we get ice cream? I just need you to be there for me - let me talk to you if I need to, but let me have some quiet time if I need... it's nice if I can reach out, though. Hey, read me to sleep over videochat tonight? It'll be slightly easier for him if he knows what he's doing helps, even if it's only a little bit. And it means you can tell him what you need most.

[rooniebaby]

Honey, if you feel you got raped then you got raped AND IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT. Not even partly. Your condition gives him absolutely no excuse. Getting too drunk (or dressing too provocately) doesn't mean that "you are asking for it" and it doesn't give guys any right to rape.

"The guy who raped me says I didn't say no." Or course you didn't say no if you were mostly passed out. How can you even say no if you are mostly passed out? And you trying to push him off should have been a good enough indicator for him to stop whatever he was doing.

The right thing to do would be report him to a police for rape. If he always gets a free pass, there is nothing to stop him doing that to other drunk girls.

And when it comes to telling your boyfriend... can't really help with that. It might be easier if you went to the police first, to make it "official rape" (because seriously, that's what you do after you've gotten raped!) and not just some bad drunken sex you just happen to regret now.

[Sexualchrist]

"(boyfriends name), once I got raped while I was drunk and I feel it was my fault because I overindulged in too much alcohol even though I tried to stop it from happening 3 times"

[MyUsernameRules]

Go to the police and report about the rapist. You can't let him get away with it. And just tell your boyfriend all the details. He should understand. And like this one girl said, rape is never the victims fault. If a person got murdered, would you say it was the victim's fault?

[emzy-89]

Rape is never the victims fault.

[rotarymoon]

that never should be written as NEVER

[emzy-89]

yes, NEVER

[Anonymous]

Firstly go report it, none of that is your fault! he should be understanding and be there for you for everything, if your boyfriend truly loves you , he won't think of you differently cause seriously you were drugged and raped its not like you raped or drugged someone. But yeah no matter what happens you should still tell him and i guess just prepare for the worse also, you can't really tell what kind of mood he'd be in from hearing it until you tell him, but no matter what if you want to talk or anything you can message me :) im always here for you :)

[Anonymous]

You could tell him but he will break up with you if he has a spine. A girl plummets in value after she's been raped.

[rotarymoon]

only to you. you have no value to begin with.

[Opinion Owner]

I value what matters

[emzy-89]

And what exactly do you think matters?

[Opinion Owner]

A woman who cooks, cleans and bends over at my will.

[Asker]

You're disgusting I can't believe you