Sexual Health
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I'm married and Pregnant BUT... Do I tell the other man it is his baby?Abort?HELP PLEASE!

I had an affair. Husband and I are on the outs. So I don't take BC and the "affair man" knew that. I agreed to take the Plan B pill. I did take it, but it didn't work. I am pregnant now. 4 freaking months pregnant. Neither husband nor the "affair man" know about it. Its not my husbands because we didn't have sex and the "affair man" is the only one I have EVER been with besides husband. The "affair man" and I talked about having kids, but more for conversation sake, not for reality sake. I have a baby growing inside me now and I am a great mother already (I LOVE LOVE LOVE my children, and do everything with them and for them) but...I'm not sure the "affair man" is ready at this time to have kids. Its his baby, but what do I do? If you were in his shoes, would you want to know, or just have me abort it? I'm not eve sure I can have an abortion this far along. I don't show until I am at least 6 months along, despite being only 120 pounds...and I am cute when I'm pregnant...that's got to count for something...right...seriously though, joking around is my way of making light of a serious situation. My husband would claim it as his, but its not. Is that fair for my husband to step up, or should it be the other mans boundaries? He has a child now and he is a great dad. I mean super duper dad! I don't expect anything from either husband or the other man, just not sure if I should tell? Surely they are going to notice my little bun in the oven sooner or later. Please help guys...this is serious and I'm stressing over this big time. Just need advice. I have been going to counseling myself for this situation, so I have a clear vision of what I want, but any advice would be awesome!
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Most Helpful Guys

  • Yadayadayada stop making excuses about birth control and what not, what's done is done.

    Loveless marriage, you had an affair, you spoke of having children with the affair man, slept with him and not your husband, sounds like your in the wrong bed.

    Break up with your husband, move on, stop wasting his time, your time and just take the bull by the horns and move on to at least give the baby a chance at some normality.

    I won't lecture you with morals on affairs and such, you aren't an idiot not to know so the only thing left to do is do the right thing for your current husband and admit you don't love him and that he shouldn't be surprised to hear that and that you have had an affair and got pregnant.

    He will call you every name under the sun, he will be angry and confused but in the long run it's going to be a little bit easier than him seeing your bump getting bigger and if he can't do calendar math and thinks its his it will hurt him much more to sit by as the proud father to be of an accident only to turn out to be the fool holding a baby that isn't even his than the poor bastard who's wife cheated on him.

    You made your bed now lay in it, get it over and done with before you waste anymore of his time and good luck with your new guy and the current children will just have to cope with it because it's only going to make a big complicated mess full of lies and stress you out, and I really don't need to point out the problems with a stressful pregnancy do I.

  • The first thing you want to keep mind about this is to not even consider aborting your child! That's murder no matter what the Supreme court decided in making it legal. Remember that moral laws are far superior to laws made by man, so some day we'll all be judged in that manner. Next, you need to be honest and tell the truth because truth always comes out in the end. A person can only deceive for so long, and the longer it is the more harsh the results. By all means, tell your affair man that you're pregnant because if nothing else, he'll need to support the child until he/she's 18. Once your husband finds out you can decide how you want to handle that because the child is not his. If he wants to do all he can to support your child and give it love, if you want him to that, that'd be okay. I'd definitely try to keep the child and consider it part of your family. If the affair guy demands his rights of course you'll have to contend with that. Yes it is serious but people have been having children for thousands of years and many have gotten by in much worst situations than this. Where there's a will, there's a way. Good luck!

Most Helpful Girls

  • I say save face. Honestly you made a mistake. You're not happy with your husband and you took off with someone else, these people act like this is the first time they heard of this happening. Give me a break. There are some men out there that need to be taught a lesson. Although I have never cheated myself, I've imagined getting even, trust me. Anyway, I feel like before you do anything you should tell the affair guy just to be kind. It is your body, so whatever you choose to do is up to you. He already has a kid, you have kids...imagine how your kids and family would feel if you explained this to them. The most important person at the end of the day though is you. I personally would tell him, see what he says about it (im almost positive he will coax you into getting rid of it). This is not your husbands fault and it is not his problem and as for him "stepping up" I'd be more concerned about him "stepping out" like out of your life. You have to decide what it is you want for good. Is it worth throwing away what you have for a dream? Work things out with your husband (you said he is supportive, a good dad) maybe see a couples therapist. It sounds like you value your relationship but there are some issues, probably ones that can be worked out. Do you really want to spend your life chasing around some fool for child support? He was a jerk enough to sleep with a married woman, I wouldn't expect him to be around in the after math. It never works out like that. Good luck!

  • Don't abort just because "the affair man" wants you too! You should think for yourself and what you want to do, and not just do something because someone wants you to. You are already a mother so you can probably handle this baby, and if you abort you might end up depressed or guilty, so you have to think about how you will feel and not what the other person is feeling.No one can tell you how he is going to react, because every man is different and thinks about pregnancy differently. talk to the affair man first, because he needs to know and you need to find out what he thinks about his child too, before you talk to your husband. If affair guy leaves, then let your husband be there for your child so he/she has a father figure (my best friend grew up without a dad and she suffers from depression because of it). If affair man wants to be part of the childs life, then let him, but you must also tell your husband if he is a part of your life too. Do what you want most, don't just get an abortion because of stress because most abortions cause stress themselves so there is no easy way out. Do tell the affair and do tell your husband. Hope I have helped you!

  • I can't say anything about cheating because I did it. I wasn't happy and I cheated for almost 6 months,but then I did leave my husband because it wasn't gonna work and I didn't want to be running around behind his back. Another reason I left him was because I thought I was pregnant and the other guy was the only one I had been with. So I didn't know what I was gonna do, how to tell them, and for 3months I was freaking out. So when I found out I wasn't I had to let my husband go because I knew I didn't want to let the other guy go and I knew it wasn't gonna work. My ex doesn't know I cheated. Now this is what I was thinking when I thought I was pregnant; I have to tell both of them because sooner or later they will both find out. You don't know what's gonna happen. You don't know if your husband will stay or leave. You don't know if the other guy will want to be there. You don't know that if later when your kid is older he/she is gonna want to know him.You don't know anything unless you say something. And they are going to find out sooner or later and its better to get it over with now. Somehow everything works out. Just do it.

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What Girls & Guys Said

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  • The best thing to do is be honest. You don't want to tell anyone anything false because it will only destroy people and that baby. You need to tell the affair man immediately. You already know that he is capable of being a father and a good one at that. He might not be ready for another child but it took the two of you to create the child. Therefore, he will need to make a decision.

    Since you indicated that things were on the outs with the husband, I would not tell him immediately. You need to see how you and the other man are going to approach things. Once you do that and you have a plan then you will need to tell the husband. You are going to have to tell him at some point. Again, when the time approaches you need to be honest and just say you don't expect him to step up to the plate. Tell him what you and the other guy have discussed.

    Finally, if you just think that terminating the pregnancy is the best option then you must carefully weigh the pros and cons. Are you emotionally and psychologically prepared for that? Will you be able to live with the decision? This decision should be made by you and the father. Even if he doesn't want the child, he is entitled to know that you are pregnant. He is also has a right to say whether or not you go through with a drastic procedure. If you don't tell him and he learns about it later, it will devastate him beyond repair.

    I know you have a lot to consider but honesty is the best approach.

  • I think it really really depends on whether you love "affair man" or if he's just there for sex. If you're only using him for sex, BREAK THAT OFF before he finds out your pregnant so you won't have extra complications. As for your husband, I don't know whether you think you can lie to him about a child not being his, but if you can, I guess it's up to you whether you tell him or not. I'd tell him myself, but that's because I can't keep lying to someone in a situation like that. However, if you're in love with "affair man", this changes the situation completely.

  • You made your bed and now you're going to have to lay in it. It is going to be a very stressful, emotional situation for everyone involved. And your poor husband didn't ask for this and now he is stuck with it. However you and the affair man knew what you were getting into, you knew of the possibilities. You guys new the consequences and still took the actions so now you get to deal with them. Yes, you should tell the other man and your husband right now. It's better to be told than to find out. And no, you shouldn't get an abortion. You already have other kids. You sound like you are financially stable enough to care for the child. You say you will love the child. Why would you kill something you'll love for some man you screwed on the side that was second to your husband while also putting your husband second? You have hurt everyone including yourself. I hope you've learned your lesson.

  • Ok, I skimmed the responses, but am I the only one that thought she can't have a LEGAL abortion anyway if she is 4 months pregnant?

  • Come clean and accept the consequences.

    If you're marriage ends, then I guess oh well, you'll move on.

    There has to be a reason you cheated, and if you cheated you guys shouldn't be together anyway.

    I'm all about pro-choice. But aborting to save your own ass is selfish.

    I would be honest with both men. If the 'affair man' wants to step up, he has every right. If not and your husband is willing to step up then awesome.

    If neither will, to hell with them both and raise the baby yourself. Because it's yours, too.

    • Agreed... this will only blow up in your face later if you don't.

    • Affair man will run

  • Girl, there is only one answer to this inquiry:

    Tell everyone everything.

    You have to take the plunge and be up front with every party involved. All of your lives will change, but that is something you will all adapt to. There is no going back. You can no longer think in terms of regrets. Just be honest and move forward.

  • You are too far along to have an abortion and furthermore you should never even consider it...it is a human being in you that you created...you shouldn't punish the child for your mistake it is not right and to me its murder but that just my opinion and you should talk to your husband and the other man about the situation.. honesty is always key...And if you did have an abortion you would always wonder what if? Everything happens for a reason ..but at the end of the day it is your decision and hopefully you will be a woman and do the right thing! Hope everything works out and I wish you the best!

  • Think about the baby. Do him/her/it justice, fer God sake! Do what's right for him/her/it . Abort? Well, it's not that there is no options...

  • First of all abortion should NOT be an option. An innocent child should not have to die to fix YOUR mistakes. The majority of these post are right on. You must come clean to everyone especially since you "LOVE LOVE LOVE" your kids and want what's best for them. The initial fallout will be rough but in the end even if everyone you know rejects you, you will begin to regain some of your integrity. Its time to start being honest.

  • I agree with Acaine03 , HE IS RIGHT .

  • Let us know when you go on Jerry Springer so we can cheer for you.

  • Neither one of you are super duper parents! You were still married with children and you spread your legs for another guy.

    He is no better sticking his dicky do in a married woman's vajayjay.

    Going to play like that both of you needed to get things over with the previous spouses before having your fun.

    Only ones who are going to suffer out of this mess is innocent kids and some spouses.

  • tell the affair man and your husband they desire to know then you and your husband make a decision about your marriage and you and the affair man make a decision about the baby.

  • Come clean, and let the chips fall where they may. In the near term, it'll be a sh*tstorm, but you keep your integrity in the long run. Spin lies around this, and there'll be nothing but pain for everyone when it falls apart.

  • This is why marriage seems less and less appealing. I'm going to have to research that whole married man is dad law. Because that's bull.

    Anyway on topic. Meet both people IN A PUBLIC PLACE like a coffee shop. That way it keeps drama from escalating physically. Tell them both at the same time. If you try to do it one at a time then things are going to get confusing. Husband's idea sounds good then affair guy sounds good, and you're back at square one. With both people there then you can settle it all in one shot.

    Avoid abortion. Child shouldn't suffer because you got caught up in the moment. Remember sex makes babies. take the pill and wrap it up.

    What I would do if I was in your shoes. Is divorce your husband. If you were cheating on him then you obviously don't have an interest in him anymore. Besides that you broke his trust and the whole meaning of marriage. Even if he forgives it will never be the same. As for affair guy, once your divorce is finalized then you too can date more openly. Unless he splits when you drop the bomb. If that happens... sucks to be you honestly.

  • Your personal problems, relationships, and opinions all take a backseat to the fact that you have brought an innocent baby into this world. You need to do everything you can to give this child a good chance at life.

    You have a husband and it sounds like he will accept this child as his own. This is the easiest and most undisruptive option for the child. Suck it up and make it work with your husband.

  • I agree with anonymous use that calls you a moron. As well captain because that child deserve a good home despite the big issue you have caused. Just come out and be ready for the circumstance so you don't lose sleep over it.

  • Well I think you need to divorce your hubby asap and tell them both you are preg. and when you go to court, try not to f*** your hubby over by making him pay child support for a baby that isn't his.

    • I don't think this the last solution...............

  • your husband has no choice legally and financially he is dad. hey you make the decision to keep your baby, you are mom, you raise her, carry her. don't let a man dictate your feelings. just say I am pregnant I couldn't take that pill. you do all the work anyways. the law doesn't allow you to sue real dad for child support. any guy says kill your baby needs to go away anyways!

    • WHAT! Its not even his kid....he is in NO WAY responsible for that child what law are you thinking about and actually she can sue the baby's father for child support.

    • So..I was thinking..you divorce the innocent party your husband, shouldn't we ask his view first? She is pregnant by a guy with no morals because he was one of the cheaters. Time will tell if he will cheat with you he will cheat on you. Or if he wanted her as a wife he would have already been this fantasy gur she thinks he is. My bet is that he leaves and the husban forgives her and raises the baby.OH the question yes you need to tell asap. period - then give the husband the choice. He is the v

  • Tell the other guy. Please tell the other guy.

    I just got out of an affair situation about four months ago myself and am wondering if she is pregnant myself. Like you, we discussed children on a conversation type thing, each agreeing how our baby would be so beautiful and smart but, also knowing it would destroy her marriage if she did get pregnant by me. That being said, still having feelings for her and would love to still be with her even though we both know it can't happen, I'd still want to know if she was having my baby. If she was, I'd have to man up and take responsibility for what happened. It would be my first child and having children has been a dream of mine all my life. So, if he is anything like me, contact him and let him know what's going on. He'll be happy with you being honest with him and willing to do whatever is necessary for the baby. I would be anyway.

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Home >  Sexual Health  > I'm married and Pregnant BUT... Do I tell the other man it is his baby?Abort?HELP PLEASE!