Is it wrong of me to not want my boyfriend to jerk off?

[mujerbonita_89]

Is it wrong of me to not want my boyfriend to jerk off? I told him I really didn't want him to jerk off because I'm always willing to give him one if he needs a quick fix if we're not doing anything sexual. I also told him I don't care if we're arguing or mad at each other or regardless the situation I want him to know ill always be there to give him his fix if he needs it, I don't want him jerking off besides we live together so I'm always available. Well as of late he's been taking his computer with him in the bathroom with him and it takes him a while until he gets out. I really didn't care until I started surprisingly giving him head and he's barely cumming. I asked him about it and he denies it. I don't know what to think because first I don't want him looking around on the internet for diff naked women so he can jerk off when I'm hot and I live with him and second why jerk off when he can get it anytime and mind you he's not a sexual person and I am... Am I just over thinking everything and too uptight or something?

[Sugarcookie263]

Let me first ask you this:

Do you masturbate?

If yes, do you ALWAYS do it in the presence of your boyfriend or have you EVER done it on your own by yourself since you've been with him?

How about BEFORE you were with him?

BTW, I'm not asking you to answer or reply to any of this out loud...just to yourself.

I ask because, if you have BEFORE your boyfriend, you remember the "freedom" you felt with being able to do it whenever you felt the need. No complications, no strings, no worries.

Whether it was by yourself or not, I'm sure you enjoyed the release it gave you.

This is how men want to feel as well - free and released.

With that said, I'm glad you talked to your boyfriend about it and told him how you felt. I think you should continue to talk to him about this.

But...

Are you ALWAYS there, at every waking moment, ready, willing and able to do this whenever he needs or wants it? Seriously, every single moment...even when you're severely sick and he's horny as all get out?

It's good that you're willing to, want to, even when you're angry with each other too.

His jerking off to porn WITHOUT your permission is a very bad thing.

I don't blame you for not wanting your boyfriend to "sneak around" with his lap top to do this. Make sure he understands that he only masturbates with you in mind, and not his "internet hoes." Maybe if he feels more accepted and reassured for his sexual act, he'll feel more like including you instead of leaving you out.

Would it make you feel more comfortable if you made a tape of yourself masturbating for him to watch while he masturbated...this way, it's you he's seeing and not some other chic?

I can also understand and sympathize with you that him doing that without you is offending, especially under your stated circumstances - that you live together.

I too have felt that way before (my fiance and I have lived together for eleven years) and I had to narrow down WHY it made me feel offended.

It's because I felt that I wasn't needed - bottom line. Like maybe he was replacing me, even for those few moments, with something and/or someone else.

Now, it wasn't until recently that he even attempted to do this by himself. He used to get the heebie jeebies just from the thought of it. He's much more comfortable now, because I'm comfortable with it. We talked, set boundaries and rules. He reassured me and I realize he isn't replacing me and under no circumstances is he allowed to do it to porn online or off, unless I say otherwise. The same rules apply to me.

[TeresaTiger]

Do you masturbate? If not, why not?

I have run into this same type of question way too often around here and so I am tapped out. I can rant no more. So in a nutshell: Yes. It is wrong of you. Best of both worlds is that you both jerk off as often as you like. Try finding some porn that turns YOU on (don't say there isn't any until you have looked). Level the playing field. Make it more equal by sharing each other interests more. Masturbation is an essential healthy activity that naturally starts between ages 4-10 with ALL people (some people just forget those experiences). You seem well spoken, mature and generally open minded about it and not a screaming banshee like some people, so that's cool. That shows that you can make real progress. It also sounds like you are at least willing to do all different kinds of sexual acts and in that sense you are not a prude. That is good too.

My best advice is that you both communicate a lot more. Find out and then indulge each other's fantasies. Assuming all other aspects of your relationship are good then I guarantee you that he will not think you are less of a woman or less desirable than the women in the porn if you are both allowing each other more sexual freedom. If you truly enjoy doing whatever it is that he likes then you are a sure win every time (and vice versa with him).

One more bit of advice: I believe you when you say you are hot. Being sexy (I mean really sexy) is not passive though. Even the most gorgeous women aren't sexy if they don't behave sexily. Maybe you do already. Maybe you already know this. And I don't mean wandering around being cheesy and ditzy like Marilyn Monroe, I mean just being flirty, inviting and naturally accenting your positives to quote a phrase.

[Bruce]

I wonder why she didn't pick your answer as the "Best Answer", since it was the best thought out and probably the most mature of the bunch she received. Good for you, as what you suggested was alnost the same exact thing my GF/ and later fiancee did in that same situation. I hope she read and took your good suggestiion.

[melissarose8585]

Exactly!

[TeresaTiger]

@oliver & melissarose8585 --- Thanks for the support.

[xsimplyxpaigex]

I asked my boyfriend the same thing! He and I have been together for several years. The whole porn and masturbation thing never bothered me until last year. I found a ton of hardcore porn on his computer and my heart hit the bottom of my stomach. I also notice that on the days he masturbated he didn't want to make love, and if we did do it, it wouldn't last very long. We took it one step at a time. First, I asked if he could please cut back on the porn because it was really starting to bother me. Then, I asked if he would just come to me whenever he was feeling the urge to masturbate and I would do whatever he wanted. Yeah, sometimes I'm not always home when he really wants to do it, but he told me he either thinks of me or looks at one of my pictures. So, I can't complain about that. :) He may even wait until I get home. It just really depends on his mood and when I'll be home. LOL

I think a lot of girls wonder the same thing. I know I've had lots of conversations with several of my girl friends about this topic. Most of them pretty much agree and are on the same page as I am. I don't think you are being too uptight. You just need to talk with your boyfriend and tell him how you feel about it.

[DoggyDude]

Exactly right :).

[MrNameless]

I don't think he's that into you anymore if he does that.. You're dating the wrong guy if he behaves like that.

[TheAristocrat0]

MrNameless what are you talking about?

[GIntrovert]

I agree with you. It is so nice of you give him another outlet, I don't think he could have stopped if you didn't give him it.

[cjwright79]

It's a little disappointing to see that 6 people voted down this very honest and correct-minded answer.

[CagedstowgeeMD]

We'll for almost all men that do masturbate, it is the addiction of the P*rnography . For some it can be just the addiction to the rush from an orgasum. A p*rn addiction is one of the toughest to break and they will deny it everytime. (i know i did and im still not over it!) The only thing you can do is talk to him about the p*rn , and maybe even get serious about the consequences if he doesn't get with you instead of the computer.

[mattc91]

On point!! Work through it together!

[Shanbat]

@MrNameless that’s exactly how I see it. I get conflicted thinking it’s normal but the truth is he’s just not that interested anymore. reading these previous comments makes me sad... I like to observe nature I see the way things work. I don’t know another animal that masterbates for the heck of it... if your man has to see other naked women to get his fix I don’t think it’ll be a lasting relationship.

[DIYboi]

@Shanbat actually, there are many animals that masturbate for fun. Multiple species of monkeys, dolphins, chinchillas, elephants, dogs... to name a few. Most of the time when one couple is uneasy with their partner's masturbation habits it's usually because of stigma, misinformation, religious ideology, or personal insecurities. When a partner self-pleasures it doesn't automatically mean they aren't interested in their partner, and often the partner who is worried is projecting their fears onto them.

[Bizzaro_Elmo]

Ok, this is kind of a tough one but I'll confess, being a guy, I don't know where women perceive cause for concern. And I say that because I going to have to throw my chips in with "it's a guy thing" thing.

Now please don't be put out. I know you said you were willing to help him out in this regard anytime he wanted (you're my dream girl by the way) but as easily as it is to render an opinion on this, it is equally hard for me to believe you can stay true to that. Not saying that you can't, it's just hard to believe. That being said I know you put in "work" on his tool and it shows how much you care for him. I, myself, do not come quickly from head unless my doer really knows how to handle me. It is and can be a lot of work.

But this really isn't about you, your talent at getting him off or a question of technique. This is mainly about QT for himself. As much as you are the dream girlfriend ( and you are) you can't be everything all the time. The Internet porn allows him to have QT without stressing or obligating you to meet his ever present need. On the flip side you don't want to become commonplace to him either. That can be just as hazardous as flat out denying him "bishop flogging" time. I know if I had one meal, the SAME meal, everyday then I wouldn't get as excited to eat as I would if I knew if there were a bunch of other things on the menu. The Internet fills in the rest of the menu. See?

So don't over think it and don't let it stress you out. He's not thinking of replacing you he just want's a bit of variety and not stress you out by being demanding. (God I wish I had a girlfriend like you! lol )

[DrJones]

I think there are two issues here that have gotten tangled together:

Problem 1. You don't want your boyfriend to masturbate. IMHO this is an unreasonable request; it's harmless (in moderation) and totally normal for him to jerk off once in a while. Yes, you're often available and willing - and that's awesome, it really is! But sometimes people (yes, many girls too) want a quick-fix orgasm that doesn't require any effort or time investment.

Problem 2. Your boyfriend is acting less interested in sex, possibly because he's masturbating too much. IMHO this is a totally reasonable thing to be upset about because it affects your sex life as well. If he's doing it so often that it's affecting his performance, that is a problem. (Is that it? Not all of us orgasm easily or at all from oral sex, so that in itself doesn't necessarily indicate anything. But if your sex life has taken a turn for the worse, that's worth worrying about.)

Two friends of mine who were each other's boyfriend/girlfriend had the second problem: he was masturbating several times a day and having a hard time reaching orgasm. They agreed to compromise: he could masturbate, but only a few times per week. Believe it or not, this worked pretty well for both of them. Their sex went back to normal and he still got to have his, um, private moments when she wasn't looking :)

[hisangel]

I just have to say, I just read your whole post in Harrison Fords voice in my head. :)

[DrJones]

Bwahahahahahahahahaha... oops, unintended consequence of my user icon.

[serm416]

This isn't about sex - it's about control. While I may not advocate a huge amount of continuous porn watching...I do advocate the need to have private moments that allow you to release some tension in a way that having sex with someone doesn't cut. Could be he just occasionally wants a quick jerk - without all the emotion, or he could want to release the tension that was created during the day at the job...and it may just be a phase. What is clear to me is your so in need to control this guys behavior you're volunteering to "do it" whenever he wants. This is unrealistic and immature to say the least. It says to me you are abdicating your own needs and who you really are to control the relationship you have. Not so smart - especially in the long run.

Read some books on understanding men and being a confident women. I say this because sex for men many times isn't always about expressing his "love" to you. He's not negating you in any way because he's jerking off (except if it's always to porn perhaps and then he may have a problem...) but you are negating his physiological needs because you don't know how to have a relationship that allows the other person to be who he is. Or you for that matter.

He may need help - but no more than you.

[2245084]

Oh knock it off Any woman who. Says they wouldn't get upset over their boyfriend leering at another woman is lying through the skin of their teeth.

[DoggyDude]

Its not wrong to wish your partner to share his sexual moments with you.

It is unreasonable though to try and control your partner overly.

If your too obsessive over things it will reduce his sex drive with you and won't be good. Make him feel secure, let him know its alright but you don't like it and it hurts you, tell him to come to you and you will give him more than he could ever get alone with some stupid computer (this advice is only for a serious committed relationship).

You don't know what he's doing with his laptop really. If you find he's lying to you then ditch him, its one thing to be addicted, its another to outright lie to your partner about things. If he admits he can't give up and will probably do it again, its ok, just support him. He's being honest and it he's been doing this behavior from very young age its very hard to stop.

I don't mean little lies of course, sometimes people lie because they are scared of the consequences of the truth. I mean if he's outright hiding it from you shamelessly.

Suggest you also see: link

[Rosina]

Like most things, it depends on the individuals. My boyfriend does it all the time, but luckily it doesn't affect our sex-life. In fact it's useful for him to do it sometimes. For instance, we were both about to leave the house one morning last week, when I came out of the bathroom he liked what I was wearing and got a massive hard on. I just didn't have time to sort it out for him as I was already late, so he just said he'd jerk off before he went to work. Problem solved.

[suziecuzie]

hi, having had boyfriends of all ages, the one thing they ALL have in common is the need to jack off (masturbate), regularly. Some, daily, others not so often, but all of them did. They're wired different than us. Just the way it is. I had one Boyfriend that frustrated me so much. He was a super attentive lover, but I just have a need to experience copious amounts of male ejaculate. He masturbated so often that he hardly produced a thimble full. He even masturbated up to an hour before our dates. Weird, huh?

[chamberri]

You're not wrong at all,he should always come to you,nothing beats the real thing so masturbation shouldn't interest him anymore. My lady wanted the same thing,she loves getting me off and she loves to see how much I come and how far I can shoot. I can understand why some women would want to jerk their man,some want to see how little comes out to see if he's been f***ing.

[Firmwear]

Yes, you need to back off and don't let it bother you. He's going to do it. He's a man. We all do, like it or hate it. Your whole "I'm always available" idea is nice, but not realistic in practice. Besides, do you really want him using you as a masturbatory device (which is essentially what he'd be doing by asking you to get him off) instead of making love to you?

I've been with my partner for over 5 years, married for 3. I masturbate several times a week and look at other women via internet porn. Never - and I mean not once - have I ever wanted to be with one of those women instead of my partner. My wife understands this, knows I masturbate sometimes and is fine with it. That said, I don't flaunt it in her face either. I'm very discrete and usually masturbate when she's not home. Not because she'd be mad or hurt - it's just something that I feel should be done in privacy and because it shows respect for her. Good luck.

[RobotsWillEatUs]

Sorry, that is way wrong. You have no right to tell someone what to do with his body. You should definitely let the man jerk off. It's his penis, for god's sakes.

I don't mean to hurt your feelings but have you considered that maybe there is a reason he'd rather do it himself than have you do it? Something similar happened to a couple friend of mine. He didn't want to have sex with her because she was very controlling when it came to their sex life. The fact that she didn't want him to jerk off p*ssed him off and made him want to do it more. And then when they were intimate, he could barely summon any desire for her. It ended up being a huge reason why they broke up.

Men like some freedom. We all do. If I were with a guy who told me not to use my vibrator, we'd have a serious discussion that would result in either me getting my way or walking out the door. It is my body and if I choose to masturbate well then I will masturbate. Same goes for your man.

Have you examined the reasons why you really don't want him to jerk off? Is there a larger issue of insecurity?

Also, making yourself too available is a turn off. It seems like fun in theory but in practice, it's not so great. Ever see that Twilight Zone episode where the petty thief dies and gets everything he ever wanted? He wins every gambling game, has lots of women and drink - everything. Eventually grows bored and listless because there's no variation, no element of surprise. And he soon finds out that he's not in Heaven but Hell.

[successfulskinnyguy]

If he still does it after you tell him that, he has issues. If you are there for his every time of sexual need, and he still wants to do it alone to some picture or video online, I think he has something he needs to work on. The whole point of masturbation is something to do when one doesn't have a girl like you.

[peace-love-couture]

Yes.

Masturbation is a private activity,and you can't be there every second of his life and every time he is sexually arouse(for men arousal occurs at the most random times)

Now if his masturbation is becoming a habit,and it is taking a toll on his relationships with you(not including your insecurity,i mean in general),his friends,family,work and etc,then that is when it is an issue

How about talking to him about it and not trying to force him to do anything.Masturbation is natural and you're trying to stop him from doing what he wants to do.And the best sex is with yourself,no one knows your body or pleasure but you.Sometimes you just have to take it into your own hands

[CuddlyCarla]

As a woman, yes, I think it's unacceptable. His relationship with his 'self' has nothing to do with his relationship with you. We all need quality time to ourselves, it's healthy and normal. It doesn't mean you aren't enough or that there's anything wrong with anything you are doing, it's a completely separate thing.

[shes-a-lady]

Relationship with his "self"? wtf?

[thesinisterurge]

The real deal is way better then jerking off to porn, but maybe he's just bored right now of having the same style sex, in the same room, & stuff like that. I suggest a change of scene, maybe try dressing up, or sex in an exciting place, or doing something you guy's have never done before in the bedroom. Or maybe even try watching porn together try anything just to mix it up for a little while.

[rockmom]

you are going a little too far, watching everything he does in the bathroom. if he isn't denying you, then you should give the man some space and privacy.

[Subotai]

Well its nice that your willing to give him quickies and surprise head you sound like a damn good girlfriend. But do you want to do that all the time? Most men are embarrassed by how much sex they really want. Masturbating is relaxing and something most boys have been doing since they were very young. Even before we could come we knew it felt good to touch our penis. Maybe its best to let him do that and save your energy for really good intimate sex. If he loses interest in having sex with you if you want it that's a problem. But if he just masturbates sometimes so what. Maybe you could masturbate together most guys think its hot to watch a girl go at it. He might learn a thing or two about how to please you. Don't make him feel bad about it unless it gets to be a big problem. If ur both young he will probably do that less and less as he gets older

[CuriousEd]

They make these things called "cock cages", which come with a little padlock... and so only you will have the key... ;)

[luckygirl456]

Thats mean..

[CuriousEd]

Obviously, it would be consensual!

[sumina7]

I don't think you are upset that he is jerking off. You are upset that he is satisfied that way and not having sex with you. If that is the case, then frame your thinking in that manner. Try having sex with him before he can go to the bathroom and masturbate.

[ArizonaRX]

Old thread, but gotta put in a response.

Girls, if you tell your guy that you don't want him to do something, "Masturbate or Porn" They are going to do it anyway and probably do it more often because the excitement of getting caught / not getting caught is extremely addicting.

So when you say, "Don't do it!" He says in his mind, "I have to be more careful next time."

[StarBuckeroo]

ummm... well, he shouldn't need to be looking at porn and jerkin it if he has you to give that to him anytime he needs/wants. . .That is kinda weird... If he has an addiction to jerkin it to porn; it isn't healthy. . look it up on google about porn addiction and stuff like that, it can really hurt relationships, plus probably doesn't make you feel to great about yourself to know that he is looking at other women to get off.

[bella0404]

When I was younger, I felt that way. You'll get over it with maturity. It's a guy thing. They think on impulse. To be perfectly honest, it's even recommended by doctors as a healthy stress relief. They actually ask you to do when under stress. It's socially accepted, and it's a natural way of life. Trust me, you won't feel this way forever. It really has nothing to do with you or how you look, act, how sexual you are. Don't beat yourself up over it. You'll grow out of that mind set.

[martyfellow]

No, your attitude is fine. He should be paying more attention to real women and less to digital ones.

[over9000]

i agree.

[Bruce]

Despite what you might think, this not uncommon. Don't let it hurt your ego, as it doesn't mean that you are not attractive to your partner any longer. A married friend asked me the same quiestion about her husband seeming to prefer masturbation to having sex with her, and honestly, at the time I did not know her well enough to give her an honest answer at the time.

Here is a blunt, upfront, answer about thow I perceive this kind of sexual behaviour. I have only had one GF, who was honest enough to discuss this kind of thing with me. We BOTH masturbated, separately and ofter together, and found that it was a satisfactory way to be satisfied. Sometimes, for different reasons, men and women don't want to be that "open" with their sexuality and 'expose' themselves that way to their partner. You will only know that by some honest discussion on the subject...if he will talk about it and if YOU want to talk about it...Give it a try.